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Chapter 21
the better part of valor
No one saves us but ourselves.
No one can and no one may.
We ourselves must walk the path.
—Buddha
Caroline was doing well. Bonnie had stuck close to her since they left the hospital, and it seemed like the two blood bags she'd drank, while Bonnie looked on with unabashed disgust, had done the trick. She wasn't eyeing any of the carnival goers hungrily, and she'd devoured a plateful of deep-fried Oreos happily while gushing about her new super metabolism. But still, it didn't hurt to check in.
"Are you sure you're okay, Caroline? This is a lot of people; we could just go home. Ease you into it a bit more." Bonnie questioned gently, but Caroline brushed her concern away and continued to wave and smile at every townsperson who so much as looked their way.
"Bonnie, it's fine! It's all about compartmentalizing, like when I lost the bake off to Olivia Tarven but I still had to work with her in biology lab. Every emotion and action has its place. Do I know that all of these people taste way better than my ice cold blood bags? Yes. Do I kind of want to kill them? Also, yes. But I also want to be a good person, and to graduate high school without going to prison and or a government lab. So I'll stick to the refrigerated stuff. Although I am definitely looking into microwaving as an option."
"You're prioritizing away your bloodlust?" Bonnie asked as she opened the door to head inside.
"Yup! I told you that you should have come to that Kappa Theta seminar with me. See, even that ridiculous slideshow on dieting was useful. Mind over matter works every time! And look around, this could actually be a good thing. Now that I've been dragged into the know, you and Elena don't have to be so shady all the time and might actually be able to socialize like normal people."
"Sorry, Care. It just kind of sweeps you up. It's hard to remember about the latest decade dance when you're dealing with a bunch of murderous vampires."
"To achieve happiness, you need a good work-life balance." She said with the tone of a prophet laying wisdom down a disciple, before she broke character. "Or real world versus underworld balance, I guess. You should be a master at it, now that you've completed your hero's journey."
"My what?"
"You know, your hero's journey? Everything's there. A mistake based on hubris? Your quest through time? Lessons learned? Love won? Magic! Bonnie this is some classic stuff. I know you said you nodded off in Tanner's, but Mrs. Ardsley's not nearly as dull."
Bonnie shrugged. "You know those have never been my best classes. Too many opinions. Math and science are so much easier to deal with. Simple." It was one of the reasons Emily's Grimoire had frustrated her, besides all the rock metaphors. Emily had written each spell like a story, while Bonnie thought magic should be like a scientific equation, with constant inputs and outputs.
"Mmhmm, and reactions? Chemical reactions? Chemistry?" Caroline winked exaggeratedly.
"Please stop."
"Hey, you decided to tell me you fell for Damon Salvatore of all people. I get to make fun of you for at least a year, even if you've decided not to pursue it."
"Chemistry jokes though? Really?"
"Okay, okay, I'll improve my material, I promise. But back to the topic at hand. Just take tonight as an example; Elena's done a great job, even with all this secret vampire drama! She hasn't lost her touch. You guys just need to be reminded that this world exists and that it's important too."
"I got it, Caroline. No more skipping out on prom committee to study magic."
"Well…maybe I'll let that slide. But only because I think that levitating thing you do will help majorly for setting up lights for prom."
"Care!" Bonnie laughed, pushing her friend's shoulder. But the vampire didn't budge, and didn't laugh despite her earlier good humor. She stared down the hall, towards the arm-wrestling ring. Bonnie followed her eyes, and saw Stefan and Damon talking to one of the carnival workers.
"Bonnie, I can hear them. They're compelling him. Why would they be doing that?"
Before Bonnie could answer, Caroline rushed down the hall. Fast, but not supernaturally so. Bonnie followed, darting between people haphazardly. Caroline had pushed Damon away from his target and was now compelling the handyman herself.
"When he said fight, he meant arm wrestling. Just go fight one match and then go back to your business. You're doing great, thanks!"
The man nodded and walked off towards the table where Mason Lockwood was reigning as champion.
"What's going on here?" Bonnie asked.
"Why don't you tell us, judgey? Me and Stefan here were just testing if Mason Lockwood was a real life super turtle—"
"Ninja turtle." Stefan injected wearily. Like that made any more sense.
"Yeah, whatever, ninja turtle, when Barbie here comes out of nowhere as a vampire? When did that happen?"
Caroline glared. "What? Scared that all the shit you did is going to come back and bite you in the ass now that I'm not a weak human?"
"Blondie, I've still got a century on you. Maybe Bon Bon here hasn't filled you in properly, because that seems to be her modus operandi right now, but age equals strength in our world. You're barely as strong as Stefan here, and he's on the bunny diet."
"Okay, no need for anyone to fight. Caroline, Bonnie, mind filling us in here?" Stefan said, playing the peacemaker.
"Katherine killed her. She still had Damon's blood in her system. She didn't know what was going on, and I told her everything once I found her at the hospital." Bonnie said, keeping it simple. No need to bring Katherine's reasoning, or the time travel aspect, into it yet.
Damon and Stefan exchanged a glance charged with worry. What had Katherine said to Stefan after Bonnie had left the Lockwoods? What did they know?
"And then you decided to bring her here? What happened to the All Vampires Are Evil witch that we know so well?" Damon asked. Bonnie rolled her eyes at his audible use of capital letters.
"Maybe I was a bit hasty writing all of them off, based only on your actions. Not a good representative sample and all that." Bonnie's tone was light, but Damon looked offended.
"Hey, those tomb vampires made a bad name for themselves, you can't put all of that on me. And anyway—" He cut his protests off short.
"Where did you get that?" He said slowly.
Bonnie's right hand went to her left automatically. But she'd left the ring in its new home in her bedside drawer this morning, and Damon's eyes were zeroed in on Bonnie's chest, not her hand. The talisman.
"My necklace? My grandfather made it. What's it to you?" Bonnie said. Was the bloodstone distinctive enough for him to recognize it? He'd held it once, was that enough? Why hadn't she checked that it was still hidden under her shirt?
"Your grandfather?" His jaw clenched. "Of course. Your grandfather. Well let me tell you something, that necklace isn't for you. I commissioned it; it's mine."
"What is with you? Are you going to try and rip this one from my neck to? Because I don't need a necklace to protect me anymore, I can take you down myself." Bonnie shifted, spreading her stance to ground herself. She didn't want to fight Damon, but she would. Especially when he was talking nonsense and trying to take another family heirloom from her.
"It's mine. My gold, my inscription, my necklace. You don't get to wear it when you don't even remember it!" He sounded almost crazed, and his eyes flashed dangerously. Bonnie was not putting up with this.
"What, remember it being made before I was even alive? Get over yourself, Damon! And even if it was yours, you owe me a gold necklace anyway, remember that?" She shot back. His eyes widened.
"What did you just say?" Damon whispered, but then repeated himself louder. "What did you just say, Bonnie?"
Bonnie's breath stopped. She'd promised herself that she wouldn't bring this up. That she would let Damon go. That she wouldn't hurt herself running at the solid wall that was his love for Elena. She had planned to avoid mentioning her trip at all if it wasn't necessary, better to brush the whole thing under the rug. Her mouth, and constant need to one up Damon in conversation, apparently had not gotten the memo.
"I…um…I—" She started, but Damon cut off the beginning of Bonnie's stuttered denial.
"Stefan, watch the baby vamp. Me and Bonnie have to talk." Damon said, without even looking at him or Caroline.
Stefan gave a mock salute at his older brother's words, while Caroline huffed. But both stayed put.
Damon reached out and took hold of her arm. Gently, slowly, like if he moved too fast he would spook her and there wouldn't be an arm for him to even grab. When she didn't disappear, he tugged her away from Stefan and Caroline, forced the door to Mr. Saltzman's locked classroom open, and pulled her inside.
They stood and stared at each other for a full minute before Damon suddenly grinned. He swept towards her, gathering her up in his arms and spinning her around, once, then twice, before setting her down. Bonnie stepped back unsteadily. Her panicked thoughts had not predicted this reaction.
"God, Bonnie, it's good to see you. You don't know how miserable I've been with you acting like you didn't know me."
"That wasn't all an act. Time travel is tricky."
"Yeah, I know, but, when did it happen? I thought maybe, a few weeks ago, when you came to get the bloodstone, but then still, nothing. You weren't you. And then— hey, what's wrong?" Damon said, seeing something in her expression. He stepped closer to her, and Bonnie looked at the floor.
"When you left last time—"
"In '97? Bonnie, that wasn't me. I'd turned my emotions off. I was acting crazy."
"Well it seemed like you, especially now that I'm back here and you knew the whole time and acted like a monster anyway." Bonnie's words were half mumbled, but Damon heard them clearly.
"A monster? Well at least I know the judgement stayed."
"Can you really blame me, Damon? You refused to help my mother. You left me! And you want to just brush it off as not you because you're able to flip a switch and not feel pain? That's the biggest cop out I've ever heard." His grin had faded as Bonnie's anger grew. She was no longer mumbling. She'd been suppressing her emotions about everything she'd gone through. She'd thought it wouldn't change anything, so she wouldn't speak about it, and it was better to just forget it all. But now everything was rising to the surface, and Bonnie couldn't stifle the fresh rush of anger that overtook her.
"You almost let a child die! Me! And that kiss? I've never felt so hurt by a kiss. I trusted you and I—I was wrong. That was wrong of you."
Each accusation seemed to strike Damon physically, and he took a step back. His words were quiet, pleading for her to understand.
"I know Bonnie, I know it was. But it's not just an excuse. The switch makes you different…empty. A shell of yourself."
"Then why would you ever choose it?" Her question was sharp, but she didn't follow it with more accusations. Bonnie wanted an answer.
"By the nineties…Bonnie, you'd been gone for so long, and some bad stuff happened to me in the fifties. I just didn't want to feel anything; I hadn't for a long time. But I was coming around to it, and every little bit of emotion I let in made me think of you. I turned on hope and thought, hey, Bonnie said she'd be there when I opened the tomb, why don't I just pop that seal open a little earlier than planned. So, I seduced a witchy co-ed, went all in on spell research, and it brought me back to that Bennett crystal. Barely made it to the Virginia border to collect it before Sheila was calling me in a panic over her daughter. And I thought great, two birds, one stone." He ran a hand through his hair. Bonnie's arm twitched at her side. Even with her anger, she had the impulse to reach out and soothe away his agitation.
"Then there you were. I saw you standing there, waiting for me for once, instead of the other way around. Bonnie, I was already reaching for that switch, ready to flip it all back on at once so I could feel again; so, I could appreciate your smile and your jokes and even your judgement. But then, the reveal." He made bitter jazz hands in the air between them.
"You weren't there waiting for me. You were watching yourself. Because you were a Bennett witch, ready to cash in on my oath. I'd turned on enough emotion to feel that betrayal, I'll tell you that. Not that they stayed on much longer. Twice shy, or whatever."
"It wasn't like that."
"How was it not like that? Because I thought we were friends, hell, I thought we were a lot more than that. But now that you're here, back in your proper place, knowing everything and how I feel about you, and you didn't even let me know. If you hadn't just slipped, or if I hadn't recognized the necklace, would you ever have said anything? And now you're just trying to brush it off!" The gloomy contemplation was gone from his voice, and anger was back. Bonnie returned it in equal measure.
"I'm not brushing it off, I'm facing the facts! Do I just forget how you act now? What you did to Caroline?"
"I'm not the one who killed her!" Damon said and Bonnie actually stomped and tossed her hair in anger.
"No, you just compelled, slept with, and drank from her, all the while belittling her and questioning her about me!"
"I wasn't at my best, but I was dealing with some stuff and—"
"Some stuff? The same stuff from the fifties? Is this your excuse for everything now? And don't try to blame this on Katherine, because you were treating Caroline horribly before you even saw the tomb, let alone opened it and found out she wasn't there."
"Katherine doesn't have a monopoly on hurting my feelings, as you should realize. I came to town and there were way too many familiar faces, Caroline was a nice change."
"So you ripped her neck open in thanks?"
"No, I drank from her because I'm a vampire and I was hungry. I treated her like shit because that's how I felt, and she couldn't do anything to stop me."
"At least you realize you're fucked up." This came from the doorway, where Caroline and Stefan now stood. Damon scrubbed his hand over his face in frustration.
"Yeah, I know, Barbie. Can't exactly go to a therapist about it, it's hard to explain the extra century of baggage."
"Hmm. Good point. I'll add supernatural therapist to my new list of career options. Not that I would accept you as a patient, but maybe it would open up a new market."
"Great, glad to fuel your ambition. Now leave, the adults are talking."
"A good way to get into Bonnie's good graces is to actually be a decent person, but you could also start with being nice to her friends." Caroline smirked at him when he didn't answer with more than a defeated look before turning to the witch. "Bonnie, I'm going to head home. Stefan offered to give me a lift and to make sure I don't kill anyone on the way out, so you're off babysitting duty for the night. Will you be okay?"
"Yeah, Care, I'll be fine. Go ahead."
Caroline bounced out of the room after one last glare directed at Damon, Stefan following without a word. Bonnie sighed and turned back to Damon.
"Look, this is now, this is reality. Damon, I liked getting to know you, I liked the man you were, who you could be. But I have to face what's right in front of me. You kill people, you don't care, and you wanted to kiss Elena last night. I've come from 1864 where you were in love with my best friend, to 2010 where you're in love with my best friend. I had a few days in between where I thought…maybe. But the answer is no, because those days didn't really mean anything when you consider the bookends"
"Bookends? Are you fucking kidding me Bonnie? What are you even talking about? Those few days were my entire life! Don't you get that? I have spent my entire life waiting for you to magically drop in on me and hoping that you would actually see me. And finally, finally, I get back to Mystic Falls, where and when you promised you would be, ready to open the tomb, because you said we'd open it together. And did I love Katherine? Yes, maybe, I don't know. I knew I owed her. For this life, for Stefan, for you. And she was your friend too. But I get here and you're here and for a moment I am so goddamn happy. And do you know what I find out Bonnie? You don't know me! You look at me like a stranger and leave me at that table with Caroline to go flirt with a fucking bartender. And yeah, I lash out a bit. That's what I do!"
"So you're blaming me? For everything that you've done? The hurt you caused, the people you killed? You're laying that at my door now? Because I didn't know you when I hadn't even met you yet?"
"Well how was I supposed to know that?"
"Well one, if you'd used your head for one goddamn minute you would connect the dots. You knew I was a time traveler! But you know what, Damon, that doesn't even matter. Because even if I did know you, and was just blowing you off, you can't throw a murderous temper tantrum every time your feelings are hurt!"
"So I didn't figure it out and now I'm just the village idiot to you? Is that it?"
"Are you even listening to yourself? Or to me for that matter?" She yelled. He was so frustrating!
"I could say the same thing! I'm baring my soul here, telling you my entire life has been full of you; of finding you, missing you, loving you. And you're yelling at me for it!"
Bonnie clenched her fist and took a deep breath in before letting it out slowly. She looked around the empty classroom trying to cool off. Mr. Saltzman's notes on Nixon's détente efforts were still on the board. When her eyes came back to rest on Damon he was still vibrating with tension, despite his silence.
"Damon, why are we fighting? Why does any of this matter? I'm here, it's acknowledged. Now let's move on."
The anger sapped from his posture as it had hers and he slumped. The silence stretched for a moment before he broke it.
"Bonnie, I asked your grandfather to make me that necklace for you, before I knew you were a Bennett. I guess when I never picked it up he made sure it got to the right person."
So that was what he had meant earlier. Bonnie's grandfather had died in a car crash when Abby was pregnant. Grams had given the necklace to Bonnie in his stead, when she was just an infant. When Bonnie had first taken it out of its constant place in her small jewelry box, Grams had claimed it was proof of the spark of magic her grandfather had held in his own soul. He'd crafted it just for her, without even meeting her.
Bonnie didn't know how to feel about this revelation on the necklace's origins. Did it cheapen the gift? Or did the love of two men, one for Bonnie the child and one for Bonnie the woman, strengthen it? Despite her internal confusion, Bonnie was willing to follow Damon's lead if it meant de-escalation.
"I thought he just made it for me, when my mom was pregnant. I've had it since I was a kid." Damon winced, but extended his hand and ran a finger down one edge of the pendent, careful not to even slightly brush the cloth of her shirt. Bonnie's chest rose and fell with her breaths three times before his arm fell back to his side.
"Well, it seems like you got the idea. I wanted to give it to you when you got back, as a setting for your stone. A talisman of your own, just like Emily." He said, with a wry twist of his lips.
It hadn't been a coincidence then, the glove-like fit of the stone in the pendant's setting. Damon had held the bloodstone just once, in 1893, but he had memorized its shape perfectly. Enough to describe to a jeweler a century later.
"Well, great minds think alike…so thanks. I'll try not to possess any of my descendants through it." Bonnie cringed at her awkwardness, but didn't know how to alleviate the strained air between them.
"Do you know what the inscription means?"
"Umm, yeah. It's goodbye in Italian." Why had that never flagged anything for her? Her grandfather hadn't known Italian.
"Alla prossima. It means until next time, because that was my wish, Bonnie. Always. A next time. I don't want to move on and just forget about this."
"Damon, what about Elena?"
"What about her?"
"I know you kissed her."
"That was Katherine." He parried. Like that made a difference.
"Okay, so I know you wanted to kiss her. That doesn't exactly match up with what you're saying."
"Elena's nice. Good for Stefan. And I was bitter, and bored, and you hated me. For years, basically my whole undead existence once I'd wised up, I have been waiting to come back to this stupid town and unlock the tomb and have you stay. All of that fell apart around me, and I…I don't function well without a purpose."
"Damon, I can't be your purpose, or your morality. And I think you already have Elena for that. She's told me about your friendship, and how she makes you a better person. You shouldn't give that up because you think you owe me something."
"Elena…she helped me. She was my friend when I didn't really have one. Plus, hanging out with her bothered Stefan. But Bonnie, she doesn't make me a better person. She can't. And you're right, you can't either. Figuring out who I want to be, and what choices I need to make, that's something I have to do for myself." He reached for her hand, swallowing visibly, and she let him take it.
"And I'm trying, I'm working on it, Bonnie, I swear. But I can't do it alone. I'm not asking for you to be my morality, or my purpose, or anything else like that. But I'd like to be able to ask your advice, to see your face when I've done something good, to know that I have a…friend to hug, or dance with, or to finally eat those pancakes with. We've been through a lot, and I always felt better knowing there was a chance you'd be at my side again. So maybe, if you want, you could not disappear to a distant future anytime soon, and just stay beside me for a while?"
"What exactly are you asking for?"
"I guess the list wasn't clear enough," He joked, but his countenance grew serious again quickly. "Whatever you're willing to give me right now. I'm not asking for forever, but I'm asking for today. And a chance for tomorrow, and all the tomorrows after that. But just the chance."
They were standing chest to chest, breath mingling in the small space between them. The air was charged, and the draw magnetic. Bonnie raised herself up on her tip toes, pushing herself closer to him even as Damon stooped downwards. Their foreheads pressed together, and Bonnie held his gaze for a long, nerve-wracking moment before she closed her eyes. She could see too much in his gaze and didn't know what he could read in hers.
Damon pulled away, but only by a millimeter. Bonnie could feel his breath ghosting across her skin, and when he spoke it was barely more than a whisper.
"Is this okay?" He asked, and Bonnie nodded wordlessly. Yes, this was beyond okay. Yes, she wanted this.
"I need you to tell me. Please, Bonnie, tell me you want this as much as I do."
All her resolutions to herself fell apart. She'd told herself that she had to let this go, let him go, that it was better to step back and let sleeping dogs lie. But why should she? She didn't want to be strong and alone anymore. Who was she even being strong for? Why did she have to be alone to be strong at all? She wanted to feel Damon against her and beside her and just maybe in love with her.
"Damon I want this. I want you."
The kiss was soft, as if Damon didn't want to startle her into pulling away despite her assurances. Bonnie pressed forward and he took the hint, hunching further and wrapping an arm around her to pull her against his chest. She wound her arms around his neck, and he lifted her off her feet. Their lips turned desperate and searching. Bonnie lost herself in the heat of it, the push and pull of his lips and skin against her own.
Her brain disengaged and her body took over, telling her that she had to get closer, had to make this last. All their other kisses had been cut short by necessity, because of an audience or the impending time travel. But this one could be long and leisurely. She didn't have to pull away. She deserved this. Bonnie was just on the verge of wrapping her legs around him to match her arms when—
"Damon? Bonnie? What is going on?"
The sound of her friend's voice cut through Bonnie's haze of desire. Elena's hurt face dissipated it entirely.
"Elena! This isn't—!" Bonnie pulled away from Damon, even as he set her down. On her feet again, she took a step away from him and towards Elena. Elena didn't pay any attention to the start of Bonnie's harried denial.
"You made me feel so bad about Stefan, about even thinking about being friends with Damon, and now you're doing this! And Stefan texted me that Caroline is now a vampire, which you apparently knew!—And…and that the Lockwoods might be another type of threat entirely? Katherine has an invitation into my house, no one knows what she's even here for except to hurt, and maybe kill, me. And you're here, together? Doing this? With him?"
Elena had tears in her eyes, and Bonnie's heart clenched. She'd never meant to betray, or even worry, her friend. But she had.
"Elena, this isn't anything. Come on, let's go. I'll explain everything."
"Go where? I don't feel safe anymore. I don't know where I can go, who I can trust. And no one can even trust me, because it might be someone else wearing my face!"
Bonnie thought about how she'd briefly mistaken Katherine for Elena. She'd have to work on that. They were so different, in poise and personality, that it shouldn't be impossible. Case in point, Katherine would never display the amount of emotion that Elena was right now.
"I know Elena, I know." Bonnie had crossed the room to stand with Elena, and she pulled her into a loose hug. Her friend's few tears were quickly turning to choking sobs. "Let's go to Grams's; no vampire has an invitation in, and I'm not planning on changing that anytime soon."
"Bonnie." Damon stood where she'd left him, one hand extended towards her, but Bonnie just shook her head. Right now, Elena needed her.
The girls walked out together; the door swinging shut behind them. When they turned down the hallway, Bonnie glanced back once. She could just make out Damon's dark form through the narrow window into Mr. Saltzman's classroom. He hadn't moved.