A Woman So Fine

"You want me to show you how to be evil?!" the Scottish Mary Poppins lookalike exclaimed in surprise, as if I had committed a crime of some sort. I nodded at her, hoping that she wouldn't strike me down with her umbrella.
"I just want to have some fun. A day to day job working at Galactux Incorporated is just so dull. I want to burn cities and be worshipped and create chaos across the universe." I replied, using my most honest tone of voice. The expression on her face changed from one of surprised anger to a smile of sheer joy in merely seconds after I had spoken.
"Of course I can teach you Tamamon. I think I just need to get my time machine first though. We're going to need that."
Missy then hurried off like a little girl whose grandmother had agreed to buy all the sweets in the sweetshop for her as well as a pony, a nuclear reactor, some self-tying shoes (had they even been invented yet?) and a hoverboard, whatever that was.

Thirty minutes earlier...

I sat at my desk, bored out of my wits. My touchscreen computer flashed with the words "SEND HYPERMAIL NOW?" on it like an urgent butler but I ignored it. Working in the Hypermail Department was irritating. It was just send, send, send and receive, receive, receive. My boss, a squid-like creature who I liked to call Davy Jones (an old Earth legend apparently), wasn't going to let me transfer to the more exciting departments such as Marketing (I loved those adverts), Newspaper Liasons (I did enjoy getting interviewed by well-known journalists such as Billoss Crogg and Ali Jan-Hoof) and General Death and Dispair (although I never knew what went on there). I suspect that this was because Davy Jones enjoyed seeing me suffer. I could have reported this to the head of the company but that wouldn't have worked because the head of the company is Davy Jones (or whatever his Graxxolian name is).
"I want to be evil." I said out loud. But nobody heard, which was good. Well, nobody except the Mary Poppins lookalike (aka a Time Lord who used to be called the Master but now calls herself Missy) who emerged from a stationery cupboard a few moments later after Bazil accidentally put the fans on maximum wind. At least I think he did.
"I'm evil." she whispered to me.
"Well, can you teach me then?"

About two hours earlier...

Missy and I had arrived at the (deep breath) Bi-Annual Galactux Incorporated Dinner or Vegetative Telepathy For Those Who Do Not Have Stomachs (or BAGID for short). I had explained to Missy that I really wanted to exact my revenge on Davy Jones while we travelled in her TARDIS and she agreed to that. I found that odd, mainly because I thought that Time Lords were supposed to be nice people who lived in their citadel and travelled in time to look out in the same way a gardener would look at their petunias. But I did know that some Time Lords had left in search of a more adventurous life, fighting monsters and stopping rogue Time Lords from taking over the universe.
"Oh, I often just waddle through the universe and dip my toes in. If I feel like it I start one or two wars as well but mainly it's just dipping my toes in and seeing how much chaos I can cause." Missy explained before we left her TARDIS, "Although I do help people sometimes as well."
"Well doesn't that ruin your reputation a little?"
"The last person who said something like that ended up as my next meal so if you want to know what it's like to be spread on toast then please do carry on speaking."
I took her hint and kept quiet about the whole reputation business.

We stepped out and found that we had landed on Davy Jones's table. The squid-like face stared up at us in rage and he extended the tentacles that hung down from his face like some sort of beard. Missy grabbed her black umbrella and pointed it at him, making a ear-piercing whine and making the tentacles explode, covering the umbrella in sloppy green goo.
"Sonic umbrella. Only imbeciles carry screwdrivers." she remarked, as she leapt off the table and started to dance her way across the room, thwacking wine glasses off tables and hitting people in the face before turning to me and yelling, "I hope you're taking notes!"

I examined the chaos in front of me and started to smile and giggle. I wanted to have some fun here as well. I leapt off the table, grabbing a nearby bottle of Venusian red wine, shaking it hard and unleashing it on whoever was near me. The child in me roared with laughter as the Ambassador of Bajamklatt Alpha was sprayed with red wine. Missy looked in with pride as this was happening, beaming happily.
"You're a natural!" she told me after the Ambassador of Bajamklatt Alpha (who was a mass of transparent green slime with two eyes and a mouth large enough to swallow a human being) exploded, having been filled to the brim with wine.
"Can we mess around with time more?"
"Oh, I think so. In fact, I have a mad idea that might just work."

Three years ago...

The canteen was very busy. I remember that perfectly. I had had my interview in there after all. Luckily, Missy and I arrived after my interview was over because she didn't want to attract the attention of "a Scotsman who could frighten an army of bottle tops simply by raising his eyebrows" by accidentally making me cross paths with me. I knew that whatever we did worked as well as I don't remember seeing a Scottish woman in a purple dress or a young man in a smart black pinstripe suit running around.

We made our way to the back of the queue and I noticed that the love of my life was stood in front of us. She was called Amelene and she had short brown hair and a pair of kind blue eyes. Unfortunately today wasn't the day that those blue eyes knew me. She would know me in the future but not today.
"Watch where you're going!" she yelled in my face as I accidentally fell into her while dreaming about her future which was now a teensy bit distorted. But what's one more argument between friends?
"Sorry, er, I didn't see you. I was busy dreaming about a girl I love." I replied, regretting what I had said immediately.
"Would that girl happen to be me?"
"Err, that's complicated." I answered, at least knowing that I hadn't come up with some crazy lie that would ruin my love life in future.

After this incident happened, Missy grabbed me by my tie and spun me round to face her.
"Please don't tell me you knew her." she whispered into my ear.
"I do know her but in the future. We fell in love for a bit and then broke up."
Missy didn't like that.
"I think perhaps we should tread very, very carefully from now on."
I nodded and breathed a sigh of relief as, at last, we reached the sandwich section. Missy and I had planned to steal the sandwiches with the "ALMOST OUT OF DATE - 50% OFF" sticker and place them in the sandwich section on the day of the BAGID. We both had different techniques in stealing sandwiches: I tucked the sandwiches into my inside jacket pockets which did make me look fat whereas Missy just carried as many sandwiches as she could and ran.

Two hours, thirty-six minutes and fifty-four seconds earlier...

We arrived at the canteen and inserted the sandwiches we had stolen from the past into the sandwich section of the canteen. We took out a few sandwiches as someone would notice a load of sandwiches that had been scattered all over the floor and Missy had the bright idea of putting those sandwiches back into the past. So we did just that.

Forty years earlier...

Sanderson Mendeleese (as I later found out - on the day Missy and I simply referred to him as Wendy) proudly stood at the new sandwich section of the canteen, eagerly awaiting the image of it being filled with sandwiches. We helped him with that and offered the sandwiches from the future. We did realise that we were using sandwiches from the future but we didn't care. As long as these sandwiches existed, the future of the company was assured and the kitchens would be a success.
"Is this some sort of joke?!" Sanderson exclaimed in shock, showing us the manufactured date, "This sandwich was apparently made in the future!"
"Yes." Missy replied, "And you might become the new mayonnaise if you ask any more questions."
I did wonder why she was threatening to turn people into liquids so much but that moment of curiosity passed ever so quickly.

A few hours later but still forty years earlier...

The sandwich section was full of sandwiches from the future. We had been successful in our mission at this end of the timeline anyway. I watched as a young man wrestled open his Jaddock and Tyberg Lettuce sandwich and stare confusedly at the manufacture date. The child inside me was tempted to giggle but I didn't. I kept a straight face.
"Want to see the future of this?" she asked me, offering out her hand. I grabbed it and we retreated back to her TARDIS.

A few hours earlier on the day that Missy first entered Tamamon's life...

The people in the canteen were confused. They were confused because they were eating out of date sandwiches. At first they thought this was an error in the same way that the first sandwiches to be made were apparently from the future but then they found out the printer had exploded twelve days ago so a label error wasn't possible. Seeing as they weren't detectives, they decided not to pursue the case and instead ate the sandwiches. Most of them got through lunch alright apart from one Jaggrogian who ate a lemon and Oatberry sandwich and started to melt slowly. I stood at the back of the canteen, marvelling in the chaos with Missy by my side.
"I think I've tought you all you need to know." she admitted to me, "Your lessons are over."
"How did I do?"
"If you're looking for a grade, Tamamon, then you should know that nobody cares about how well you do at being evil. You don't get medals for breathing after all, do you?"
I thought about this and nodded, accepting her point.
"Can you get me a TARDIS?" I asked her, as she slowly started walking away. She turned round and smiled a sinister smile.
"No. Well done for trying but people usually tend to steal TARDISes. It's more sexy that way."
She then skipped back to her TARDIS and left me alone, marvelling at my chaos.

THE END