Chapter 4- And Then What
So has anyone noticed the one person missing from the story? Anyone? Well, that person shall be revealed in this chapter. They played a big role on what happened on November 2nd, and here we shall see how they are doing post-event. We'll also see a little more from Jay and how he receives the news. Okay, let's dive in.
"So any questions?" He looked out at his distressed audience, zeroing in on Will first before moving to Hailey. Will was doubled over sobbing while Hailey was blankly staring at nothing. The room breathed, reacted, was shocked for a moment or two, and then things slowly began trickling in.
"What does this mean for…like, everyday life?"
"Life will be very different for him. In order for him to have some symbol of a normal life he'll be on a lot of medication and long-term, intense therapy weekly. I don't foresee him being able to live on his own for quite awhile and work is looking very bleak. The good news is that we have already started him on the medication he'll need to take so that should help subside the psychosis episode he's in. From there it's beginning the process of rewiring, helping him build those tools and exercises to combat the hallucinations and delusions."
"Wait, it never goes away?" Dr. Charles shook his head.
"The severity ebbs and flows depending on if he's in a psychotic episode or not, but he'll always have the voices and sights and thoughts."
"How often will he have these episodes?"
"Not sure, again it depends on how well he responds to treatment and we also need to figure out what the triggers are."
"Does the disease ever go away?"
"No, schizophrenia is a chronic mental disease, meaning it will be with him the rest of his life. There's a lot of talk about if genes are involved or if it's purely environmentally driven, but he was born with this and this was the time it decided to make itself known."
"What about ECT," Will finally spoke up, the entire room of eyes firing lasers right at him. He felt it, understood the judgement coming from them, but he really could've cared less. Never in his life had he been so scared of a family member, for a family member Will would correct. This was a nightmare. They'd all been poisoned and were living out some alternate universe where the most unlikely things happened to people. But perhaps that was the world Will had been living in all this time. Things do happen, terrible and unexpected things can and sometimes do happen to the least likely of people. It was time to embrace and accept that, because his brother was truly relying on that.
"That is only for extreme cases that are coupled with serious depression."
"And how is that not him? He tried to harm himself, and probably has been for awhile. How is that not depression and extreme?"
"Because I'm the one making the calls here and I don't think he needs that. Medication and therapy have proven to be very helpful and with the great expansion of antipsychotics I'm very confident we can manage things without doing that to him."
"Well wait, what is ECT," Hailey asked?"
"Simply it's placing small shocks of electricity around the brain to induce seizures, has been proven to help with severe depression and suicidal thoughts."
"Wait, you want to do that to him?"
"Whatever will help," Will quickly and quietly replied.
"Look, I get that you want a quick fix that restores him to his former self, but that's never going to happen. This is real, this is his life for the rest of time. He's going to be different and in need of a lot of help. Get with the program." Dr. Charles was fully aware he was chastising Will in front of everyone, but his anger couldn't stay away anymore. His offer to help showed just how the last year of Jay's life had gone. He was in serious need of help, someone to step in when he couldn't, and the solution was something quick that he could get over in a couple weeks. Daniel had just about had it with everyone.
"And off the record, I'm extremely disappointed in all of you for dropping the ball on this. There was no way he'd only recently been showing signs of trouble, this has been going on for close to a year. A year! And none of you asked him how he was or what he was experiencing or strongly pushing for him to get help. We shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be sitting here at my desk with a verdict that decides if he gets charges on him for something he clearly was out of his mind over. Two innocent people were harmed that day and it never should have happened. Now please leave my office as I now have to talk to her." It was the second time they all were shocked at what Daniel Charles revealed to them, it was so unlike him to speak out like that, but the more they thought of it the more they realized they needed that reality scream. They really did let Jay down when he needed them more then ever. They had to live with that guilt. Those closest to the door left first, the rest slowly rising and following behind. They didn't look to Will or Hailey or Daniel, nor did they speak to anyone, just got up and left. Hailey dragged her feet in leaving, a couple of times looking back and opening her mouth before choosing to keep heading out. Will was the last to move, glaring at Daniel as he prepared himself for the incoming talk.
"I need to see him."
"Will." Daniel looked up, exasperated he'd even think to ask right now.
"No, I have followed everything to the letter so far and not broken rules to break in there and see him. But this is too much, I need to see him. Now."
"Will, you can't. He's not been cleared yet."
"What does that mean?"
"It means he's not ready for visitors. Think about how he was when he went in. We're still pretty much there. Now, I really need to get going with this next talk so I will let you know when Jay's status changes." Will wanted to fire something back, throw everything off the desk and scream, but he knew he wasn't in the right place for that; having zero leverage on any of this. All was hinging on Daniel and how Jay responded; the rest of them just had to continue and wait. Will threw himself up and began storming out, Daniel holding him up as the door almost made an indent in the wall.
"One thing, Will. I need your permission to investigate your family tree. I need to see if there are any genetic traits that could be effecting the diagnosis." Without looking back Will sarcastically laughed.
"Knock yourself out. You'll probably learn more then I ever have." Daniel exhaled, cradling his head in his hands as he processed all that just happened. It went about how he thought it would and then some, the latter part mostly on him. Some fifteen minutes later there was a faint knock on his door, a call to him following right behind it.
"Come in." Daniel stood up from the desk chair and bravely smiled, watching Randy guide his obviously distraught wife into the room.
"Please sit anywhere." They chose the couch, seeming to be the only place visitors wanted to get comfy. Daniel picked up his pen and pad and met them in the sitting area.
"Can I get you guys anything? Water, coffee, something to eat?"
"Coffee would be nice." Daniel looked to Randy who shook his head.
"I'll get her coffee, why don't you two start. I'll be just over there." Daniel smiled, appreciating that he didn't have to make someone else's coffee order. There's so much room for error with that sort of thing. Everything from the amount of coffee to creamer and coffee ratio to knowing if they took sugar or not. And then, let's not forget transporting to the person. He wasn't sure how people at Starbucks did it so effortlessly. His mind trailed away from the coffee situation as Trudy rubbed her hands on her lap, the very soiled tissue in her hand balled into her right fist. This was a side of Trudy he'd never seen, but in this moment it was beautiful. It was a great image of the toughest person he knew being human, grieving over something terrible. For awhile he didn't think she was capable of it.
"Before we begin, I'd like to know how you are doing? Everything stays in this room, it's just us having a top secret conversation." Trudy nodded, mustering up the ability to speak before her mouth kind of popped open.
"It's been…a very difficult last few days. I just can't get things out of my head. I close my eyes and I see that dead stare. I walk around the house and hear those children, those petrified kids screaming for their life. And what he kept saying…" She trailed off into tears, wiping under her eyes with shaking hands. Randy returned with the coffee now, placing it on the table before holding Trudy tight. Daniel looked down at his pad, providing them some privacy.
"But I'm not mad at him. As crazy as that sounds. I know I sound like those mothers' of mass shooters who say they didn't know anything or don't believe what happened, but I don't think in a right frame of mind he could do that. He was almost like a son to me and I know him, I know him. He's been under my watch for eight years now and there's no way he could ever do something like this." Daniel looked down at his notes, the few questions he wanted to ask Trudy during this time. He knew this was probably the only time he'd get with her so he had to make the most of it.
"Please don't feel like you have to answer this. This whole thing is under your control and you are going to guide this however you feel like. Having said that, do you think you could ever see him again?" Trudy stared off, getting lost in the abstract pattern on the curtains, closing her eyes at the remembrance of a memory or something. Randy grasped her hand tighter, as if to say what he thought she should say, but true to her character, Trudy answered with her heart.
"Yes, I could see him again. Just not today…or tomorrow."
"Okay, that's very encouraging though to hear that you are even up for it." Trudy shrugged.
"Again, I can't abandon my people." Daniel nodded, thumbing through Jay's case file before pulling out the report. He held it for a second, gauging if Trudy was ready for it before handing it over.
"I'm not sure what closure or comfort this will bring, but I think you'd like to read this." Trudy took the paper in hand, just staring at it for a moment to get her bearings. She next to never saw this stuff, was far more up to date on police lingo and paperwork then this. Daniel pointed her to the paragraphs he read to the group earlier, watching her eyes light up as she got further in. By the time she reached the diagnosis she was in tears once more.
"Does he know?"
"Not yet. I'm going to talk to him after this. We're already starting him on a routine, very crucial right now. He's sleeping right now but in about forty minutes he'll be woken up and beginning to do a morning routine. After that I'll be talking to him."
"How is everyone else taking it?"
"They're upset, understandably. It's a lot, a very scary diagnosis. A lot will be changing from here on out."
"Well, whenever he's ready to come back to work, I'll gladly accept him and help." Daniel nodded, not wanting to make things worse for her with the pretty much assumed truth that that would never happen.
"So was it the other personality that made him do what he did?"
"That is a big misconception of schizophrenia, a lot of people confuse it with multiple personality disorders, but they are quite different. Schizophrenia is living with two realities, what is actually real and what the delusions and hallucinations are revealing. So while I have not talked with him a lot to know for sure, I strongly believe it was the disease that made him to what he did. He couldn't help it because to him, that all was very real and he believed he was doing what he was told to do."
"Okay, I'm sorry. I just still can't believe it."
"That's fine. Everyone struggles with it at first. It's a very hard thing to hear. But, I think it's a good segway into things." Her whole body coiled up, the tension and apprehension just ripe.
"Can you tell me a little more of what was going on right before the event." Trudy nodded, looking to Randy who nodded and encouraged her to speak up.
"It was a normal Monday, very busy. A lot of people coming and going. Those with the weekend off need to be caught up on cases and so forth, plus you just have get yourself ready for the week ahead. So a lot going on."
"You mentioned kids."
"Oh, that's right. We also had a field trip coming in later that morning so…man. I had wanted to move that to Tuesday but there was a mix up with the school, something about the election being the next day. Boy don't we all wish I had pushed harder."
"Intelligence has the weekend off, correct?" Trudy nodded.
"So where did Jay come in when they all were clocking in for work."
"He was the last to show up, had been doing that for a very long time now. Actually the week before he called out sick, said he had bad migraines and couldn't stand upright. So Monday was the first time in awhile I had seen him."
"Did he talk to anyone?"
"No, just waved my way and kept going. He was slow, so I asked him what was up and that was when he lashed out."
"Quick side note question, what were your thoughts on his exterior changes?"
"Oh, I noticed the weight loss right away. He's had to have dropped at least twenty pounds by now. I did ask him about it one time, just a passing remark, and he said it was a dietary change. The hair took awhile because he always wears a beanie, but when I did see it I thought it was very strange, totally unlike him. Again, I asked about it and he said it was time for a change."
"The warning shot, was it really that?"
"Yes. He's a very skilled marksman so that bullet went exactly where he wanted it."
"And then what."
"Then it was pure pandemonium. Those who weren't cops screamed and ran over each other to get out the door. The police on hand pulled their weapons and pointed right at him. He didn't flinch, just kept the gun pointed right at me."
"And how did that make you feel?"
"Well, it wasn't the first time I had a gun pointed at me. But with him holding the weapon? His sturdy finger on the trigger and the dead look in his eyes? It was the most terrifying part. I truly thought he was going to hurt me." Daniel looked down at his buzzing phone, sighing as he read the message. Jay was up and almost done with his morning routine and was asking to talk. As much as he didn't want to, this conversation would have to be put on hold.
"I'm so sorry, but we shall have to finish this another time."
"Is it Jay?"
"Actually, it is. He's awake and apparently wanting to talk."
"That's encouraging, right?"
"It's a good sign. Means the medication he's on is helping." They all got up together, Daniel hugging Trudy before shaking Randy's hand. He apologized again for having to cut things short, both of them understanding the reason why.
"Please tell Jay I'm not mad at him," Trudy bid farewell with. Daniel promised to pass the message along, standing in the doorway till the couple disappeared. As he picked up his notepad and other things, he concluded that was a rather heavy and exhausting morning. Time to have a just as bad afternoon.
…
Walking into Jay's room was a night and day difference, both literally and figuratively. Literally, because the last time Daniel was in here it was close to 11pm. Figuratively, because for the first time in a very long time, Jay was looking drastically different and for the better. By the time Daniel arrived to the room Jay had already been up and walked around the floor with two nurses, each taking a side and making sure he didn't do anything drastic. Now having a diagnosis, routine was the key to everything from here on out. From naps to exercise to meals, his entire day was planned down to the minute, all in an effort to teach him healthy lifestyle habits and reestablish some sense of control and normalcy. Daniel waved to Jay from the door as he opened it, his patient looking up from his untouched breakfast and oddly waved back.
"He didn't eat," a nurse whispered so as to not draw a scene and Daniel nodded. To the average person Jay looked just as bad as the day he was admitted, the lack of hair and weight on his body telling just how necessary this stint in the psyche ward was. But to the trained eye like Daniel, he noted the subtle yet big changes. First, when he entered Jay looked his way, not making full eye contact but was beginning to zero in on the face. His body was no longer shivering all the time and the sudden jolts were far fewer then before. As Daniel sat in a chair he took note of Jay scratching his arm before retuning his hand to his side, knowing full well that a few days ago he would've been jamming nails into his skin. Then there were the eyes, that were far clearer and more alive and present then ever. Yes, Jay was under the control of heavy doses of antipsychotic medication, but his person was showing how much it appreciated it. Jay was there, but not really. Definitely coming back down to his new, undiscovered normal, but clearly on the path away from his psychosis.
"How are we feeling this morning, Jay?" Jay stared off into a corner of the room, almost like he was staring at someone who had the answer. Jay peered his eyes, searching for words that were taking awhile to download.
"Tired, groggy." He turned his head to look Daniel's way once he was done, almost like he was seeking approval.
"Did you sleep well last night?"
"Not really. Too many people talking and moving around." Daniel nodded as he wrote everything down. Seems the hallucinations were still breaking through. Wasn't uncommon, especially since the drugs weren't at full power just yet.
"Can you tell me why you haven't eaten anything? You must be hungry."
"I am, but I don't trust the people who brought the food in."
"Okay, can you tell me why?"
"Because I don't know who made it and I can't verify if they put poison in here."
"Well, that is a very real worry you have and one that I can understand. There was one time I was at the airport and because I was in such a hurry I grabbed sushi before getting on my flight. Safe to say it was a very long, sick flight followed by a bad few days in a hotel bathroom."
"Yeah, I never get stuff like that at the airport." Daniel nodded, silently celebrating this very normal conversation.
"Well, I learned my lesson the hard way. But, can I point something out to you?" Jay nodded, following Daniel's body rise from the chair and sit on the edge of the bed.
"This jello and apple sauce are untouched, or not tampered with. See the seal on them? That means no one has touched them since they were prepared by FDA approved people and processes. This is very safe to eat and I promise you won't be poisoned. Would you feel more comfortable if I took a bite of each to show you?" Jay was hesitant at first, but eventually nodded. Daniel slowly pried the lid off of each item, holding up the spoon before dipping into each cup and eating the spoonful.
"Here is your untouched spoon. This is really good and I think you'll like it." Jay swallowed, slowly accepting the spoon before unwrapping it and dipping into the red jello, pulling out a wiggling spoonful. Daniel reassured the taste before Jay opened up and swallowed.
"And?!"
"It tastes like normal Jello."
"That's great! Do you like it?" Jay responded by taking another spoonful, and another, and soon the whole thing was gone. He repeated the process with the apple sauce, gently putting the spoon down once he was finished. It wasn't some high fat meal, but it was the smallest of steps in regaining Jay's trust and helping him put weight back on.
"Would you like more of that?"
"Yeah, maybe later."
"I shall make a note of it in your chart." Immediately pulled out the iPad, Daniel wrote Jay's snack request and showed him. Again, trying establish trust in their relationship. It was the do-or-die ingredient in this recovery journey.
"Now Jay, I want to ask you a few questions. We have a lot more meetings like this ahead of us, but today is just about laying a base point for things, alright?" He looked up to Jay who nodded, pulling the blanket up on his person a little more and moving it around in his hands.
"First things first, I'd like for you to tell me everything you see in this room."
"What?"
"Yup, tell me everything you see. No limits, just everything that you see." Jay was very questionable, mumbling to himself as he looked down at the bed. Daniel didn't press again nor did he speak, simply writing and observing Jay's behavior.
"Um..you, me. The bed, the blankets, the door, the light over in the corner that's brighter then all the others. The walls, the floor, the window on the door. The chair you're sitting on. The director in the corner over there. The chair he's sitting in. The case file in his lap. The IV in my arm, the line going to the IV bag. That's pretty much it."
"Awesome! Excellent work." Jay looked over to where the supposed director was sitting, smirking before looking down at his lap again."
"Okay, is it just me talking in the room?"
"Not…right now. But like a few moments ago the director was talking while I was eating, did you not hear him?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I must have missed that. Now, when I press my hand on your leg, what do you feel?" Daniel gently and slowly did what he described, waiting for Jay to flinch like he did the last time.
"Your hand on my leg." Ah, it appeared the tactile hallucination was diminished under the drugs. There was a hint of progress.
"Do you know why you're here in the hospital? And do you remember what kind of doctor I am?" Jay really dropped at that one, recollecting that day and appearing to feel some form of remorse and guilt. My those drugs were doing wonders, all great signs.
"Because I had a bad day at work. Because I messed up. And yeah, you're the doctor for crazy people."
"We prefer to be called psychologists, but crazy doctor will do." Jay smirked, still not looking away from the blanket on top of him.
"So I guess this means I'm crazy."
"No, no one ever said that."
"So why am I here? And why did Will lock me up in here and hasn't tried to see me, or anyone else really. Do they just want to lock me up forever and never have to deal with me anymore?" The frustration was rising, the sharp breaths telling that Jay was beginning to freak out. It was amazing to see, that despite the diagnosis and medication he was still in these fluid mood swings. One moment he was level headed to becoming nervous to now getting agitated. As helpful as the drugs were to getting him back down to things, they still had some work to do.
"Jay, I need you to breathe for me, alright? In through the nose, out through the mouth."
"I'm not doing that. Why am I here!"
"Jay, I really don't want to have to put those restraints back on, but I will if you don't cooperate. Now, breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth." Daniel gave an example of what he wanted, not stopping till Jay obeyed. It took several times of doing it for Jay to jump in, but soon both of them were doing the basic breathing exercise.
"I want you to keep doing that as I talk, alright?" Jay nodded.
"Will and the others have wanted to see you, ever since you came in here. But I wanted you and I to have some of these talks first before then. They've been telling me that you haven't really been feeling yourself for awhile, is that correct?"
"You mean the headaches?"
"Well, that is part of it, but they also said you've become a little isolated, not really behaving how you used to be. Showing up late to work, changing your appearance, getting into some fights at work. They're a little concerned and want you to start feeling better."
"Look, I get that I've been distant and been having a lot of headaches lately, but it's just been a lot juggling everything. Work, this big case, life, it's been hard but I think I've done a good job with it. Once I'm done with this case then things will be fine."
"Jay, do you think some of the stuff you're doing is…what a lot of other people are doing?"
"You mean the hair and eyebrows and everything else?"
"Sure, we can take that part."
"Not…really…but it's all for the case and for protection."
"So why haven't a lot of other people been doing that? Doctors, CDC reps, epidemiologists, why is it just you?"
"Because I'm the one going undercover to protect everyone." Daniel looked down at the paperwork in his lap, deciding if this was the time to hand things over to Jay. There was never a good time for this, or a perfect segway to delivering this kind of news. He was on the verge of handing things over when a final question popped into his mind.
"Jay, when were you given this big case?" Jay thought and thought, looking all around the room before closing his eyes and lying back on the pillow. Daniel was almost scared to breathe or blink, thinking that would break Jay's train of thought. He wanted him to grasp this moment before he delivered the debilitating blow.
"After the infection scare last year. It started with messages between the director and I, just through text and then TV messages when I took the case. After that the headaches started, here and there and not that bad. But then around the end of the year it just got really bad. That's when Will and Hailey and everyone else found out." Daniel sighed, realizing that hostage moment in the office back in October proved to be far more severe then thought of. It was the stressful moment that caused the psychotic break.
"Jay, I'd like you to read this for me, just the highlighted portions." Jay took the paper and skimmed, looking up to Daniel with wary eyes.
"It's a diagnosis. You can read it out loud or to yourself." Jay nodded returning to the page and working his way from the top down. Daniel watched the eyes, squint and wondered the further down he got, noting the eyes go wide open as he reached the sentence.
"Schizophrenia? But you said I'm not crazy."
"You aren't crazy."
"But this says I am. Oh, I see. This is some test or explanation for why I failed, right?!"
"No Jay. This is very real. You are here because you are sick and all of us would like to help you feel better."
"But I don't feel sick. The case was real. Everything I did was to protect you, everyone! Why aren't you listening to the director!"
"Because he's not here, Jay." Whatever anger was bubbling up in Jay ceased when he heard that, pure and utter shock filling the void.
"Yes he is! I can see him. He's right over there!" Jay pointed to the empty corner. Daniel momentarily closed his eyes, this was the worst part of this whole thing.
"Jay, he is very real to you and there is no shame in that. To you, he is sitting right over there. Just like the bright light you also see and the voice of the director you hear are all very real. But that is the disease. Your mind is very sick and Will, Hailey, myself, and everyone would like to help you feel better. That's why you are here and that is why they haven't been able to come see you yet. Because I needed to figure out what was going on and begin to help you before we could move forward."
"But…it's so real."
"I know, and I understand this is a lot to deal with and accept. But I'm going to help you. We're all going to help you."
"I don't believe you."
"I know you don't and that's okay. I just needed you to read that. Can you do something for me?" Jay nodded, definitely not looking at Daniel now.
"Just think about what I've said, alright? I don't want an apology or yes or no answer, just for you to think about it." Still not looking, Jay eventually nodded.
"When can I see Will. Not that he wants to see me."
"Visitation is tomorrow afternoon."
"Can you ask him if he wants to visit his crazy brother?"
"Jay, I'm going to repeat this for as many times as I need to: you're not crazy. We are born with imperfect bodies, including our minds. You are not the only one to receive this diagnosis and you are not the first patient to refuse to believe it. You were more then likely born with this and it decided now was the time to come out. But Jay, above everything else, I need you to try and believe that. You are not crazy."
"Okay."
"I will ask Will if he can stop by tomorrow, are you up for that?" Jay nodded, lowering himself further into the bed.
"Shut up. Shut up you fucker," Jay mumbled under his breath. Daniel wanted to question it, but figured he'd done enough prying this round. Sleep was going to do wonders, that and more doses of emergency meds. Daniel dimmed the lights before closing the door, asking a nurse to give out another round of meds so Jay could sleep for a bit.
"That went about as well as I hoped," Daniel spoke to himself. What a shitty day this was turning out to be. Why not add more people into the mix.
I feel the need to write this here: everyone's journey is different. From symptoms to psychosis to medication to life after, everyone's story and journey is entirely unique to them and there is no shame in that. This is just my interpretation of one person's path, not trying to discount or discredit anyone else at all. Reach out to your friends and family, check in on them and truly ask how they are. Smiles are sometimes stickers for sadness, laughter the bandaid for deep moments of depression. I love you all and just know I'm always here to talk if you need me. Thank you so much for reading this and going on this difficult journey with me.