Chapter 5- A Dire Need Of Joy

So as the title might suggest, this story is in desperate need of some lighter, happier, normal moments. We shall try our very best to inject some of that in with this chapter. Because as scary and challenging and adjusting as a diagnosis like schizophrenia is, you have to find joy. There has to be moments where you can just be. Be a human with the capability of experiencing emotions and having doing normal life things. Because when things get bad, that's where you go. Speaking from first hand experience, it really does work. That's what this chapter hopes to bring, that and some throwback memories, perhaps?! We shall see. Let's get going!

"Here is your visitor badge and wristband."

"I need both?"

"Yes, we scan before you go into the room and then when it's time to leave you get scanned out."

"Geez, it's worse then prison up here."

"Will, it's for everyone's safety and to make sure people aren't bringing things in."

"Things?"

"You would be quite surprised what goes on up here." Now being in this space, Will almost felt guilty when he thought of how many people he sent up here. It truly was prison, nothing about this area was welcoming and inviting. It was almost a punishment when he thought choosing to live was something to be happy about. But he understood why it had to be this way. The people on this floor sadly were often not aware of what was going on, or despite being here still wanted to do harmful things to themselves or others. So in order to protect they had to strip things of sunshine and smiles and brightness for dark, strict, minimal habits.

"Ready?" Daniel's question interrupted Will's saddened mind, his quick head nod bringing him back to why he was even up here.

"You're sure he wants to see me?"

"He asked if you were coming again today during our session and I promised you were. Don't make me break my promise." Will smirked, nodding again with more confidence this time. Daniel motioned for him to follow, beginning the scanning, door unlocking trip from the entrance to where patients were. Will stood back amazed as the grand door clanked its' lock loudly, slowly gurgling open. He was waiting for the sinister music and smoke machine, like the beginning of a sickly haunted house tour.

"It's really not that bad," Daniel said while noticing Will's hesitation to move.

"Did he go through all of this?" Daniel nodded, encouraging Will to move along.

"And he still wants to see me?"

"Yes, Will. Please hurry before everything closes up." With a deep swallow, Will took that small leap of faith, inching his way in as the castle gates slammed behind him. Whether he liked it or not, he was in the bowels of the beast now. There was no way he was ever going to get used to this.

Daniel was a little thankful that the afternoon hours were far more subdue and mild then any other part of the day. He was fully aware of Will's hesitation, understanding it to a point. He'd grown accustomed to the usual noises of the floor, become almost immune to the shouts and cries for freedom that often worked their way into the halls. But whenever he brought people into his department for the first time, those worries of scaring people always come flooding back. So he was grateful the most eventful thing that happened was an accidental tumble on the floor between a nurse and patient, both laughing as they worked their way back to standing. Had it been the stark reality of things for Will's first time, Daniel was fearful that Will wouldn't want to return when his brother needing his presence more then ever. But as they went further in and Will relaxed a little more, his fear, he concluded, was silly and unfounded.

"And here we are! Why is the red light on?" What Daniel was referring to was a traffic light configuration on the upper right corner of the doorway. Just like any other red, yellow, green light, red meant to respect privacy, yellow meant knock before entering, and green was free to enter. The lights were assigned by either doctors or nurses and typically operated on a timer. Red was often saved for bedtime or clothes changing, but for this time of day it was rather unusual. As Daniel hurried off to find an answer, Will couldn't help but feel a sense of oddness, knowing his brother was right there yet he was mildly fearful of what he was about to see. Time, in this instance was bad, it wasn't helping heal wounds but making things worse. It had been awhile since he saw his brother, giving him time to forget what he looked like, just now remembering the exterior appearance. That early morning visit flashed once again through Will's mind, shuttering at the ease in which Jay did that, followed by the apology for getting in the way; never a second guess or comment on what he'd just done. But then his mind drifted back to that day, just a few days ago. That one was a day he would never forget. Regardless what happened from here on out, that moment was the rock bottom, the moment he had to accept reality and face the bluntness that Jay was not himself anymore.

"Thirty-six year old male presenting obvious signs of a psychotic episode. This is the hostage crisis at the district."

"It's Jay, let's get him in a room." That one had Will up on his feet and running after the noise. At the time he was wrapping up an exam, handing out discharge papers when the commotion of a not cooperating person flew by. The patient of Will's took notice of it more then he did, their eyes going wide and body shrinking as the pack of people flew by. Will didn't bat an eye, continuing to write and talk as his brother was thrashing on a gurney right outside. But the calling of Jay's name and immediate need for a room had Will return to life in the ED. A quick excusing of himself had him jogging to the room across the way. Maggie, Sharon, everyone told him to stop, that Ethan had a handle on it, but onward he went. What his stubbornness rewarded him was a shock, plain and simple.

"Jay!" His brother was completely out of it, shouting expletives and digging nails into his skin. When he wasn't cursing he was saying gibberish, a language that only he was comprehending. The cuffs on both wrists had Will immediately furious, storming into the room and grabbing an arm.

"Take these off!"

"No, Will. It's necessary."

"Come on, it's Jay! This is insane just take them off an he'll calm down." Ethan shook his head, stepping in to keep Will away.

"No, he needs them. He held the entire district up and kept yelling for them to shoot him. Something about a virus."

"What?!"

"Will, Dr. Charles is on his way down and it's obvious that he's going to admit him. How long has this been going on?"

"I…I…what?!"

"Will! This didn't just happen today. Look at him! This is on mild sedatives. He's not cooperating, he's manic, talking nonsense, extremely agitated, and not making eye contact or responding to anyone."

"Let me go, fuckers! I'm trying to protect you!" Jay finally caught a glimpse of Will, laughing and smiling as he aimed his next comment his way.

"Finally, someone who understands. Will, tell them this is all nonsense and to let me go! I'm fine. Shut up. Shut up! I'm trying to but they won't let me." Yes, that was all said in one breath. Will's mouth dropped open, shell shocked at how bad Jay was. Like being T-boned by a semi truck, the truth was slamming into Will. Jay was never going to be the same again, perhaps never leave this place.

"Admit him." Jay shot a look his way, one of betrayal and disbelief.

"Will! Don't listen to them. Please! Just let me go and take me home." Will sniffed away tears, tilting his head back for a moment before holding a hand out.

"I'll sign the waiver if you will." Jay kept shouting, screaming, pleading for Will to stop what he was going to do and to take him home, but Will signed away. He did start crying as he handed the document off to Ethan, realizing this was a denying of himself. He didn't want his brother to be locked away in a psyche ward, but he knew he had to do it. Everything in him said it was wrong and harming Jay, but he knew it had to be done.

"You're going to be fine, Jay. Just do what they say," was his farewell, pivoting right around and walking straight to the nurses' station and sobbing. He did not re-enter when Daniel did, did not bid farewell as Jay was escorted to the dark lair upstairs. He couldn't look at his brother another moment. On the off chance they ever spoke again, he didn't want a lot of this moment to cloud any future time together.

"Will…Will!" Daniel's shout brought him back to today, back to the door with the red light and dark interior. He blinked a couple times, nodding and clearing his throat as he looked up to Daniel.

"Yeah."

"Will, he's not like how you saw him last. He's a little groggy and out of it from the meds, but he's not like that. I promise."

"Does he know? About the diagnosis?"

"Yes. I told him yesterday and we talked about it a little more today. He's still not believing it but coming around to the fact that he's been sick for awhile." Will nodded, shuffling his weight between his feet.

"Are you ready? He's up and asking for you."

"Yeah, sure." Daniel rested a hand on his shoulder, smiling as he guided him to the door. In all honesty Will wasn't ready, but for the sake of his brother he was walking into something he was not completely comfortable with.

"Hey, Will." Dr. Charles was right, Jay was very different from when Will last saw, but for the first time in forever, it was for the better. Oh the exterior appearance still took him aback, but it was in the little things that Will picked up that some form of his brother was there. The fact that he looked right at him and made eye contact was amazing, coupled with the facts he was calm, eyes clear and overall person at peace. As Will moved further into the room he noted the drugs in the system, the IV stand and IV proof of that, but also that Jay was a little too calm, his movements slow and voice almost a whisper. It was here that Will realized how fitting Jay looked in this room. For days now it had been this name they threw around with other, scary names. An idea of a person who had this disease that was going to affect him for the rest of time and would need so much help. Will thought he was keeping his brother in mind for things, but standing here now, looking at him sitting up in a hospital bed in a psyche ward, was when the humanity of things kicked in. It was Jay. Jay, that annoying brother that bugged him to death growing up. Jay, that stubborn teenager that always crashed dates and friend get togethers. Jay, the brother who decided to go fight a war before coming home to fight battles at home. This person in front of him was his blood, the last surviving family member. As scary as it was to admit, it was Jay, his brother who was diagnosed with schizophrenia and undergoing serious treatment up in this daunting floor of the hospital. Now more then ever Will loved his brother so much, was deeply ashamed that he allowed things to get this bad, and so desperately wanted to help him find a new normal of life. And all this realization and emotions came out in a nod, followed by a walk up to the bed and sitting next to him.

"Are we allowed to hug?" Jay glanced Dr. Charles way, who vehemently nodded.

"Of course! You two are brothers and you haven't seen each other in a few days. But the question is, is it okay if he does, Jay?" Jay responded by opening his arms and turning to Will, who eagerly obliged.

"How are you feeling?" Now hugging his brother, Will felt the toll that he'd done to himself. The frail, thin frame shaking just a tad as he wrapped his arms around him. It was something Will never really noticed until now. Again, that delusion that things were alright doing a number on him. As much as he hated to admit it, Jay needed to be here, in this room on this floor way more then he'd ever want to admit.

"I have a headache." Will pulled away, looking at him odd.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Jay shrugged.

"Because I was told not to."

"By who," Daniel interrupted, both Halsteads looking at him.

"The guy over there in the corner." Will allowed himself a long blink. Just when he thought they were on the stable side of things, that unwavering response comes out.

"Jay, is it the director?"

"No, it's the handler. When the director was out I would talk to him. I have texts between us but I don't have my phone on me."

"It's not that I don't believe you, Jay. But why do you think we'd want you to be in pain?"

"Because that would be your way to give me the virus. That if I got so bad that I would ask for meds, that would be when you'd give me the virus." Will was about to speak up but Daniel waved him off, shaking his head before he began to speak.

"Jay, remember what we talked about earlier today?"

"That if I don't know their name and you can't see them then it's probably a hallucination."

"That's right! Now I can assure you that I don't see this person. What about you, Will?"

"I can't see anyone expect you and Dr. Charles."

"Now I know that these people you've seen are people you trust, but have I ever given you something that would hurt you?"

"No."

"And have I given you anything that has made you sick?"

"No."

"So do you trust me when I say I will go get you pain meds to help with the headache?" Jay eventually nodded, looking down at his lap as Will gently rubbed his back.

"Is that something you'd like?"

"Yes." This was a very new side to Jay: taking medication and help so quickly. Place it on the drugs Daniel has him on, or the fact he's exhausted and stuck in here, but the Jay of old would've protested, said everything was fine when clearly it wasn't. While on the immediate it was disheartening, thinking on it more made Will happy. Jay was cooperating, taking his health seriously. If nothing else, Will was glad he was learning that.

"Alright, I'm going to go get something for you and give you guys a few minutes by yourselves. Then I'd like to talk to both of you for a few minutes. Sound good?" Both nodded, Will thanking Daniel as he left while Jay sat back on the bed and relaxed on pillows. Once alone Will could feel the oddness, the suspense or hesitation to speak coming off of Jay. Will stood up from the bed, finding a stool in the corner and rolling it close to the bed.

"So…what have you done today?"

"Will, you don't have to tiptoe around me."

"Jay, please understand that I have no clue how to handle this."

"And that's my fault, I get it."

"Jay, I did not say that."

"But you're thinking it." Ah, there was another lovely feature of schizophrenia: paranoia. Jay was convinced that everyone was against him or mad and he was going to run with that. Will had done some research since the diagnosis, reading over and over again how likely this is, even on medication.

"Jay, I'm not. I'm just glad you even wanted to see me after I basically sentenced you here. You do remember that, right?!"

"Yeah, I didn't have a mind block. I remember all of it and a lot more."

"Okay, that's good. I guess. Are you feeling any different?"

"Kind of. Definitely feel more…grounded I guess?! In control you could say."

"Are you still having the hallucinations and stuff?"

"Meaning am I still believing crazy things?"

"Jay…"

"…Yeah, definitely still hearing noises and people talking. There's this bright light that's blinding right over there." Jay pointed to the corner left of the door, rubbing his eye right after.

"Okay, I'm sorry. As the drugs keep going into your system hopefully it'll get better, maybe go away for a little bit."

"Yeah…and yes. I'm still believing the delusions."

"Hey, that's okay. It's very real to you and that is completely fine. That's why Daniel is here to help and that's why you're taking whatever you're taking, so that at some point you'll be able to better decipher what's real and what isn't."

"Do you think I'm crazy?" Will was definitely taken back by that one, something he never saw Jay asking. He was under the impression that that was a given, that despite what other people thought Will would have his back. So the fact he was even asking told Will that Jay thought he might believe that, which moved him almost to tears. At first Will was shocked, showing that on his face before reeling it all in. Jay was very serious and in no place to handle a shock or laugh or anything other then the truth.

"No, I don't. What is going on you were born with. None of us are born perfect and sadly this disease decided now was a great time to breakout and stick around. But you are not crazy and you are not the only person on this floor even that have received this diagnosis. It's scary, but we're all here to help you. And I'm sorry that I let you down, Jay. The evidence was there and I chose to ignore it because I refused to believe something like this could happen. That's on me and I'm sorry." Jay nodded, finally looking up and making eye contact with his brother; the first time in forever.

"Thanks." It was then that Daniel knocked on the door, sticking his head in before coming all the way in.

"Everything good?" Both of them nodded.

"Just catching up."

"Good! We're also going to add a couple new meds to help with the noise and lights, alright?!" Jay nodded, eyes glued to the syringe as they were screwed in one at a time and injected into the IV port. Will smirked at the fear and nerves in his eyes, realizing that his needle phobia was very real and a little hilarious to watch.

"I also brought you more snacks," Daniel pointed out, doing his best to distract Jay.

"When did you become an applesauce guy?"

"When it had a seal on it."

"Hey, is there something else I can get you?" Jay vigorously shook his head.

"No, I don't trust it."

"But what if I go get it. Is there anything you know is okay or a place you do trust?"

"You'll go get something?!"

"Of course! Whatever you'd like. Name it."

"Pizza. From the place around the corner from the apartment."

"Deal. I'll bring it tomorrow if you'd like." Jay smiled, genuinely, for the first time in forever, Will almost finding the sight weird. But it was a small moment of the Jay he knew, the idiot who could never get enough deep dish. Will wasn't sure how he wasn't overweight.

"Alright you two, now that we have tomorrow's dinner figured out, let's chat for a moment." Jay remained in his spot on the bed, still feeling the headache as the pain meds tried to kick in, but Will removed himself from the stool and plopped himself on the end of the bed. Daniel claimed the stool, chuckling to himself at the sight in front of him. It looked like a reenactment of a childhood photo, Jay on his side cradling his head while Will sat crosslegged on the other end of the bed. They were the image of kids grown up, the heart and soul of a child with the life story and body of an adult.

"We're going to play a quick word association game, just say the first thing that comes to mind. No wrong answers or silly words, whatever you think of you say, deal?" Both of them nodded, Will ready for the fun while Jay seemed to be praying for it to hurry up. What Daniel didn't tell them was that he had news on the family tree, going to use his time to get them ready for his findings.

"Childhood."

"Memorable," Will began

"Chaotic," Jay followed behind.

"Family portrait."

"Crying," Will jumped on again.

"Staged," Jay cut in.

"Dinner around the table."

"Long," Will said.

"Loud," Jay concluded.

"Family vacations."

"Rare," Will spoke.

"Bad," Jay finished.

"Okay, that's enough of the words for now. So based on your answers, I sense that Will's view on that period of life is kind of neutral while Jay's is definitely negative. Can both of you comment on that?"

"Well, life wasn't like what you'd see in the movies or TV shows. Both of our parents tried their best while both working full time and caring for us and the house and all that comes with that. It was hard and sometimes they were strict and didn't let us do some things, but I know they tried their best."

"Now Jay, I know from past conversations you and your dad did not really get along. Is that what's fueling your viewpoint?"

"Oh definitely. He made it a point of being tough on me. Whatever he wanted I didn't agree with, or thought it was pointless. So yeah, we had a lot of bad times around the family dinner table and just whenever we all were together, it felt like Will, mom, and dad all got along while having to put up with me."

"Jay.."

"No, no Will. This is what this is all for. Whether it is true or not, that was his reality at a critical development part of his life. What about your mom?"

"She was definitely the parent I went to more. We got along, she saw that dad was being hard on me and would make a point of trying to make me feel better. Whenever there was a big blow up, it was her that came to my room and helped me understand or listened to me vent. She was the reason I didn't end up having a super traumatic childhood."

"So when she passed.."

"I mean, I was an adult. I was out of the house so I didn't have to deal with dad the whole time, but yeah…there was a bit of fear. We talked for a little bit because that's what she wanted, but after a couple years that went by the wayside."

"This was also around the time you had a hard time transitioning and were dealing with the untreated PTSD?"

"Yeah. Fun times. I feel like that period of life really set me on the path to where I am now. Like maybe that was the trigger that set things off."

"Well, that could definitely be true. As much as we know about schizophrenia, how it's triggered in the brain is still debated. Some people say it's a traumatic experience, others argue it's genetic and passed down. Because we don't know for sure I like to examine all options and try my best to draw conclusions from there. So yes, your time in the military and your transition period coming back home could have gotten things going. That's a lot of stress on the brain, people don't realize the mental toll events like that consume. So perhaps some of your PTSD is a mild version of schizophrenia, and with the medication and therapy you've had over the years it's suppressed things. But I don't think that's the trigger that set everything off. I feel it was much more recent, something that happened in the last year. That's why were doing these talks, to help all of us figure out those triggers and events that have us here."

"So question, does he ever get to leave here?"

"The hospital?" Will nodded.

"Of course! It's never my goal for people to be here forever. Treatment has come a long way and I truly believe he'll be able to leave and live out in the world. That might be a ways down the road, but I don't see why he couldn't do that. Now, he might need someone to come live with him for awhile, but he'll be out of the hospital."

"You can come stay with me. I have a two bedroom plus…do you want to stay at your place right now?"

"It's my place, Will."

"But it hasn't been touched since you were last there. Remember the wall?"

"Oh yeah…maybe you have a point."

"We can talk more about this when we get closer to discharge talks, but yes he can absolutely live outside of the hospital." Jay was seriously zoning out, mouth gently moving like he was mouthing a song. Will noticed it but didn't say anything, not wanting to startle Jay and upset him. But once again the disease was present. Just when he thought things were normal, that demon snuck into things.

"Do you guys know anyone named Steven Barnes?"

"The name sounds familiar," Will voiced for the group, Jay was really gone now. It appeared the pain meds and antipsychotic drugs Daniel gave him were finally kicking in.

"He's your mother's oldest brother."

"Uncle Steven?! Yeah…he's the guy we met at that family reunion. Remember?! That was when we both were getting over a stomach bug and they still dragged us to that shit show of a family get together. He sat in the back most of the time, was pretty quiet."

"I don't recall any of this," Jay mumbled, eyes glued to something past Daniel.

"Yeah, mom told us he was a little different but we had to try and be nice."

"Well, he sadly passed in 2007. Suicide by jumping off a bridge. Police went to his house and found full bottles of medication that often used to treat severe depression, multiple personality disorder, and…schizophrenia."

"So that's the link."

"Well, I'd have to have access to his medical records to know for sure, but yes. That could be your genetic link."

"So I'm not crazy. I didn't just snap." Will and Daniel shook their heads.

"Nope, it looks like this was something you were given at conception, very likely passed down from your mom's genes." That one seemed to be the lightbulb, the 'ah ha' moment that Jay finally got it. There weren't singing angles or a total breakdown or everyone gathering together for a beautiful moment. He didn't believe it and then he did, just like that.

"Love you, Jay. We'll get you through this tough part," Will reached out for another hug and Jay sat up and accepted, both of them laughing at something before splitting up. Jay yawned, again looking at something beyond everyone and seeming to be mentally communicating. Yeah, this was going to be a doozy for sure.

"But it's so real."

"I know, and that's okay. The meds and therapy will help." Daniel's phone chimed, the alarm going off that Will's time was up for today. Jay had more assisted walking around to do before dinner and bedtime. Reluctantly Will rose, helping Jay sit up before he exited with Daniel. A nurse switched off with the two of them, smiling and saying something about having fun. Will knew Jay hated it, the fake ness and forced activity. When Jay looked over with a helpless face Will couldn't help but laugh, the poor guy was desperate to flee.

"See you tomorrow, Jay."

"Don't forget the pizza from that place. Don't go and try to switch it from somewhere else. I don't trust it."

"I wouldn't even think of doing that. And Jay?!"

"Yeah."

"Tomorrow we're discussing the hair." Jay rolled his eyes, looking a little terrified at the plan. But with great effort he nodded, trying his best to make it appear he didn't really care.

"Yeah, fine. See you tomorrow." It was the start of a beautiful re-bonding of the brothers.

I must warn that the next chapter will be a little of a time jump. Now that we've figured out what's going on and started to piece things together, it's to see Jay a little further down the road. Get ready for that. Thanks for reading!