Chapter 6- A Step Down
As mentioned in the last chapter, this chapter will be a little bit after Will and Jay's initial meeting. We're going to see how he handles a day that isn't quite as good as it could be. How does he deal with things? We shall see. This has been a fun little project to work on. Let's keep it going!
He was in bed, but standing up. He couldn't understand how he got in this position, but he was there. In the room was a single light and it swung left to right, perpetually and slowly, revealing what was in front of him as it went by. People standing, staring came and disappeared. A door would always show up when the light was to the far right, but disappear within seconds. Jay kept trying to break free, thrusting his whole body towards the door but getting nowhere. He grunted, pulled, struggled to get away from this very odd juxtaposition, but the harder he tried the louder the talking got. When he first woke up it was simply background noise, the filling the near empty room as this point. But now, as he called for his release and demand for why he was where he was, the voices were right at his ears, screaming for him to stop.
"SHUT UP! You're not getting out of here!" Jay tried his best to shoot back a response, but his mouth just hung open. He could not form a word yet he so wanted to. So as he fought the conversation moved on.
"You told them the plan. You jeopardized the whole operation, after all that we've done. We have no choice but to neutralize you. Go." Jay kept thrashing about, really giving it all he had. How could they just ditch him like that? He accomplished so much for them, got them way further then any other person. They could not just move on from him. This was the career maker, the one that could potentially get him to the big leagues. He wasn't going to give up without a fight. But apparently the 'go' command wasn't aimed towards him, but another figure that had been mumbling in the background. As the light swung their way, what was revealing was a dripping syringe filled to the max with some mystery liquid.
"No. NO NO," Jay finally forced out, trying his best now to turn away from the thing walking towards him.
"Have a fun night slowly suffocating and feeling the worst flu of your life," the main person said, deeply and satisfyingly laughing as Jay was infected with the very thing he was protecting everyone from.
"NO..NNNNOOOO," Jay screamed for his life, his legs finding strength and kicking the syringe bearer back towards the door…
And that being what finally woke Jay up, his whole body face down on the hospital room floor with his left arm clinging to the bed. All he could do was breathe, because the nightmare took everything else out of him. It was so real, so shocking and vivid that he couldn't believe that wasn't real, but the kicker was the noise still floating in his ear. It was the voice of the director, saying terrible commands Jay didn't want to obey.
"What happened," Jay's nurse calmly asked when she finally arrived. Jay never figured out how they always knew when he was awake or asleep, sleep walking or having just fallen out of bed. It was like a two-way mirror was in the room, but Jay never saw any. What he wasn't aware of was in the IV stand, one of the boxes was the hidden camera.
"Don't touch me! They infected me." The nurses nodded and said she understood, but kept creeping closer. Jay held a hand up, fighting off tears as he told her to stay away again.
"Please! I don't want to hurt you." The director in the corner caught Jay's attention, holding an hour glass with sand dripping extra slow to the bottom. His body was still, but the smirk on his face and holding of the timer enough to speak volumes. He was reminding Jay of how little time he had left, thanks to the virus. Jay was so caught up in that display in the corner that he didn't notice the syringe coming out of the nurse's pocket, top being popped off before going immediately into his shoulder.
"I don't want to me knocked out," Jay lazily said to no one as his whole being went limp.
…
The next time he was conscious that talking was there, but back to the restaurant level speaking: always mumbling but not quite able to make things out. He'd only fluttered his eyelids, but noticed that things were different. For starters Dr. Charles was in the room, snacks in hand with Jay's file and a whiteboard in the other. Things weren't hectic, feeling as if time and issues had come and gone. Alas, the director was still in his place in the room, but on the bright side the hourglass hadn't lost much sand.
"Hey Jay. How are you feeling? You missed breakfast so you must be hungry." Dr. Charles held the Jello and apple sauce cups out for him while Jay slowly sat up more. Now at his new position Jay saw the large bandaid on his hand, twitch the fingers and getting tingling pain. Nothing too bad, but something that wasn't there before.
"What happened?"
"Why don't we talk a little about that. I heard you didn't have the best of mornings, is that a good assessment of things?" Jay looked at the items in Daniel's hand, eventually concluding that he wasn't up for trusting things right now. He shook his head and nicely pushed things away. Daniel wanted to protest, but there were more important things to tackle right now. His patient was scheduled to be moved to another room with fewer restrictions today and so far, he wasn't showing he was quite ready for that.
"It wasn't anything I couldn't handle."
"Well it must've been very scary. Not many are able to fall out of bed and land on their face still asleep. That's why the bandaid is on your hand. In your tumble to the ground your IV fell out and it made a bit of a mess."
"Oh, sorry," Jay replied, rather embarrassed at himself and feeling like he really messed up.
"It's okay! Accidents happen. As long as you're okay then everything else is."
"I'm fine."
"Good! I'm glad to hear that. So…how bad has today been."
"What do you mean?"
"The same thing I ask everyday. Remember we're trying to tweak things."
"Oh…yeah. It's been fine." Daniel saw what was going on here, both of them knew this was Jay's moving day and he knew that Jay was trying to do everything he could to not have to stay up here anymore. It was an understandable thing, but not great for the overall treatment process.
"Okay, so voices, people, all the same?"
"Yeah." Daniel nodded, writing down in the chart that things were bad, going to poke later on with Will around.
"Okay, are you hearing anyone else talk right now besides me?" Jay shook his head.
"No, it's just like…whispering but a lot of people."
"That's good! I'm going to hand you this whiteboard and every time you hear a command or comment or anything that's a single voice, I'd like for you to write it down and show me." While speaking he passed the marker and board and eraser to Jay, who nervously took it.
"I'm going to let things be quiet for a moment just to see if anything happens before we dig into questions. Sound good?" Jay nodded. Dr. Charles busied himself while Jay sat on the side of the bed staring into nothing. He knew what the result of this talk was going to be, that despite his best efforts to appear better Daniel would keep him here another day. It had happened the prior two days, each time Jay becoming more frustrated and depressed then the day prior. It was pathetic what his life had become, where his entire reason for joy and hope was going from one hospital bed to the next, without even a remote idea of when he would get a clean break from it all. He hated how much he needed this place, but also had begun feeling safe in it. Like a cocoon, Jay was safe here, away from the demons and vices of the world with guardrails and people to control him in here. Life was cruel and unforgiving, yet here things were tailored to his liking and level of handling. Realizing this also added to the depression and frustration. He never wanted life to be this way, yet here he was. That final thought was when the breakthrough voice first spoke to him.
"You aren't going to matter after this. You blew the case," was scribbled on the whiteboard and shown to Daniel who nodded before writing it down.
"Who told you that?"
"The director," Jay mumbled, running a finger along the new IV port in his wrist.
"And do you believe that?" Jay nodded.
"He's the one in charge so who am I to question what he says." Ah, there was something Daniel could poke at, try to reshape a bit to a more normal way of seeing things. He knew exactly where this was etched into Jay and realized how difficult of a time this would be to crack.
"Jay…never mind." Jay looked up from his tracing game and cocked his head a bit. That was a response he'd never gotten up to this point, almost like Daniel was afraid of him. That was when his lightbulb went off.
"The military training…right?!"
"Yes," Daniel shot back, completely floored that Jay could figure all that out from a simple backtrack.
"So ask the question. I'm not a kid, Daniel. You don't have to tiptoe around me."
"Okay, this command and do attitude, do you think it stems from your time in the military?" Jay looked down once again, staring into his lap and scribbling as he thought. If he was being honest, the question had crossed his mind a few times. He'd been that way for so long it was automatic, never doubting what those in charge said. But then he joined Intelligence, which completely flipped that on it's head. So why could he do with his job what he couldn't do with everything else. It was a biggie that was for sure.
"I feel like…in certain areas yes."
"Perhaps this newfound disease being one of those?" Jay nodded at some point. Slowly turning the board for the next sentence.
"Go slap this guy for knowing nothing. He's out to get you."
"Jay, have I done anything to harm or make you sick?" Jay shook his head.
"So do you believe that?"
"I don't want to…but how do I know you're being nice now because later on you'll do something to hurt me." Ah, there was another element of the disease: paranoia. It can range from thinking everyone is looking at you to they all want to lock you up. It's a fairly common part of schizophrenia and one that takes awhile to overcome, or at least control. It was amazingly sad that even after ten days of being on medication and in a hospital under constant care that the side effects of psychosis were still influencing Jay. But when one thinks about it, he was under the spell of it all for close to a year, it would take time for things to be more under control. They all just wished the process would speed up.
"Jay, on my entire career, I swear that I am in no way trying to harm you or be out to get you. I know that is difficult to understand because everything going on right now is so real, but I can wholeheartedly promise that I will not hurt you or put you in a situation that will hurt you." Jay wanted to shout back that he didn't believe him, but instead looked over at the hourglass; the sand was now halfway gone.
"He just said my time is almost here."
"Okay, what does he mean by time."
"I think we both know what it means." Daniel nodded, writing everything down before proceeding.
"Jay, I understand that sometimes it's hard to say that, that you might feel ashamed or scared to say it. But there's so much power in words. I think it'll help to hear that."
"He wants me to kill myself. So that's the disease, it just slowly wants to torture you before forcing you to take yourself out."
"For some people, yes. And sometimes they do and then there are others that fight it and do what you and I are doing."
"So does that mean I'm not leaving this floor today?" And there it was, Daniel getting confirmation to his assumption. In that it revealed there was way more going on with Jay, but for the sake of a room and the smallest amount of freedom he was bottling things up. Daniel wasn't sure if he should be mad or praise Jay.
"No, you're still going to be moved to the step down area. You are definitely more level, calm, stable, you're talking and trying to sort things out. All of these are great improvements from when you first came in. I don't expect people to leave this floor perfect, but I like to see some amount of improvement and you are definitely doing that. But, we're still going to keep up with the IV meds so please, don't pull the IV out again." Jay nodded, smirking as he looked towards the corner. The hourglass was empty on the top. It appeared things had sped up and the moment had arrived.
"I think this is a good spot to hold things. Will is going to be here in about fifteen minutes to help you move. Are you ready for that?"
"Definitely." Daniel stood while Jay sat back in bed, resting comfortably against the pillows. Daniel intentionally left the snacks on the end of the bed before waving to Jay and saying he'd be back with Will soon. Once the door was closed and he was far away from the door did he call Will to relay what was going on.
"A bad morning?"
"It appears he had a hallucination in his sleep and he's not saying anything about it because he's afraid he'll be kept up here."
"Isn't a hallucination in your sleep just a dream?"
"These are very real and extremely vivd to the person, so much deeper then your typical dream."
"Okay, so is he still moving?"
"For now, yes. But don't forget to bring the stuff you mentioned last time. I'm wondering if that will finally get him to open up."
"Do it when we get to the new room?"
"Yes, there's a bathroom in the room so it'll be fine."
"Okay, I just don't like that there's an ulterior plan to this. He may think were scheming against him."
"Well let's hope not. See you in a few."
…
He walked in the room to find the food exactly where Daniel left, it, stacked at the end of the bed with the spoon on the very top. Jay was lying on his side, facing the wall on the left. His eyes were open, but he was gone. Will had seen this side of things before, this dozing off and almost living in another world. Jay did it a lot in social gatherings, always on his own in a corner just staring. Now knowing why, Will felt incredible empathetic and guilty. Jay was in a deep hallucination today and as of right now there wasn't a whole lot they could do. The rewiring and tactics would be learned over time, but right now it was fluctuating medication and locking him up tight in places where he couldn't hurt himself. He didn't have to be here, Will kept reminding himself; in lockstep with that Halstead gene of never getting over something.
"Jay?" Will reached over to gently place a hand on his brother's shoulder, getting a flung hand warning him to back off. Will put things down on the floor and rounded the bed.
"Jay," he called again, squatting down so his head was level with Jay's. He remained there motionless till Jay returned to earth. The lack of person behind the eyes scared him, but Will stayed still and firm, wearing a neutral face as he looked directly at Jay.
"Will," peeped out of Jay a few minutes later.
"Yup, I'm right here." Now he took that as his cue to make physical contact, placing a hand on Jay's hand and smiling a little.
"Having a bad day?"
"No, I'm just a little tired." Will internally sighed. Daniel was spot on, there was something going on with Jay and he really didn't want to ruin his moment to get out of here.
"I brought the stuff."
"Really?" Will nodded.
"And a couple other things from home." Jay rolled onto his back before sitting up, looking past the food and at the small bag propped up against the bed.
"How is the place looking." Will wasn't sure how to answer this without having Jay seeing things twisted. Because in reality it looked like an insane person lived there. All the walls had writing on them, literally nothing was in its' place and it smelled like it hadn't been cleaned in weeks. It was a pigsty, a downright disaster.
"About how it was," Will finally figured out. Jay just nodded, mission accomplished for Will. Daniel and a nurse entered the room just then, Daniel with a clipboard of paperwork and a nurse with a wheelchair. It was time to say farewell to this first prison cell.
"We're going to have Will sign this but I will explain the paperwork to you. Basically it's saying that we have deemed you well enough to move to another floor and security level but you are still required to continue medication and therapy or you could find yourself back up here."
"Sounds fine," Jay spoke to the floor, swinging a leg slowly back and forth as Will initialed away. Daniel was hoping his brief moment with Will would be the thing that got him to open up. But alas, his stubborn streak was still reigning supreme.
"Ready to go?!" While all were expecting Jay to jump for joy with a massive grin on his face, what they were given instead was a halfhearted nod and slow standing from Jay. Will collected the bag while Jay took a seat in the wheelchair, Daniel leading the parade into the hallway and hesitating for a moment. Jay didn't say farewell to the room or hallway or people walking by. He genuinely hated his time up here and vowed to never come back.
"Before we get going, do you want anything to relax you? I know changing scenery can sometimes be scary and bring on bad thoughts or anxieties."
"I'm fine," Jay mumbled.
"Okay then, here we go!" The parade was on the move again, weaving their way through the locked doors and loud, yelling hallways before getting to the elevator and finally selecting a lower level.
"I don't recall going in here," Jay said once all were in a controlled fall.
"Oh, we took another one," Daniel said, but really Jay had been sedated at this point on the way up. He nodded as the car came to a stop, the sound of dinging going off before a voice told them the floor's number.
"What was that?"
"Just the elevator. It's a weird voice, right?" Jay smirked and nodded, Will looking on amazed at how easily Daniel was able to communicate with Jay. But then again, it was his job to communicate with those that had difficulties with it. Daniel once again took the lead, guiding all of them to the psychology department's sort of relaxed wing. Just like the other floor, this one required guest badges and key cards to get in and out of everywhere, but on this floor there was no screaming or swearing coming out of rooms. Things just felt to be calmer, more subdue and better. The walls were a brighter shade of white and the floors had colored tile every so often. The rooms were also much bigger and the nurses weren't as giant and muscular as before. Jay was feeling a tad better about this trip. It wasn't where he wanted to be, but very clearly was on the right path to getting out of here for good.
"This is our stop," Daniel announced at the door number 505, just two doors away from the communal spot known as the nurses' station. Daniel flicked the light switch to reveal and room with a bed and bedding, a sealed tight window, chair next to the bed, and another door in the room that lead to a bathroom. Now granted the bathroom had to be locked and unlocked by the nursing staff and they had to stay in the room at all times, but least Jay wasn't being brought down the hall at 3am.
"Well, what do you think?" Jay's response was to get up and walk around, stopping to analyze things before moving on. He got to the bathroom door and tugged on it before Will explained why he couldn't just walk in there. Jay wasn't thrilled, but didn't protest a whole lot. Once he trusted the room enough to relax a hair, he plopped himself down on the bed, slowly nodding as he looked around a final time.
"It's better then upstairs."
"Good," Will exclaimed, that being his cue to walk in and sit on the chair for a moment.
"Do you want anything to eat?"
"No way," Jay shot back.
"Why?"
"Because I know what will happen. They'll give me something that I don't want or they'll try to infect me." And there it was, the full delusion and paranoia that came with moving around. That was the main part of this chronic disease, some days you'd really progress and others you'd go right back to the beginning. It was something that was never going to go away, the whole point of therapy and medication just doing what it can to help control. But despite all of that, days like this were going to happen, especially this early in treatment. Will now wished Jay had taken the offer of a relaxant, because perhaps waking up here would've made the transition smooth. Will was about to push the issue a little but Daniel shook his head.
"That's very understandable. You're in a place you don't really know so it's natural to be careful around things. But can I reassure you that these people are here to help? I hand picked them to work here and they have done a great job. How about we think about it and I come back later?"
"Okay, yeah."
"Thank you, I really appreciate that. I will check on you guys later." While Jay was off daydreaming, Daniel gave Will the look. He normally walked out of the room and stood where Will and Jay couldn't see him, but he could hear everything.
"Hey, Jay. I brought the stuff you asked for," Will distracted, rising to scoop the stuff out of the bag, showing Jay the black zipper case. That one perked him up just a bit.
"Oh good, I was beginning to get nervous that you'd forgotten."
"Jay, I got you. Now stay here for a second while I go get the key for the door," Will spoke as he jogged out. He saw Daniel in his hiding place, but because he could feel Jay tracking him he didn't look that way.
"Got it," Will said as he held it up for Jay to see.
"Good, let's go." Jay was up and at the door in no time, Will a little freaked out by it. He knew the joy was the disease excited to botch his body once again. Will was the first to enter, telling Jay to sit on the chair in the shower as he got set up.
"Can you also not forget the hair and eyebrows," Jay asked without hesitation. Will looked down at the bag and closed his eyes, praying for guidance in this. He really had no clue how to address this without sparking a blowup.
"Jay…I…I can't do that."
"Then I'll do it." Jay got up and tried to shove Will away.
"Jay, you can't touch this. Hospital policy, man."
"Are you kidding me?"
"Jay, let's think about it."
"It's been a week at least."
"Yeah, that's not enough time for you to be trusted with a blade. You're getting much better, but you're not there yet."
"C'mon Will. Just let me do it. I need to." Will remained firm, shaking his head as he analyzed his brother's head that was red in some spots from where he pressed too hard.
"Jay, look at what you've done. You have damaged your pores and hair follicles. I'm not sure how long this will take to fix. You need to just let it go." Jay shook his head, the breathing speeding up and hands now grabbing for the clippers.
"Will, PLEASE! I have to do it or else I'll get you and everyone else on this floor sick."
"Jay.."
"NO, WILL YOU DON'T GET IT!" And here came the fireworks Will was trying to avoid. Jay full on dove for things, instead landing on Will's body before the two of them fell to the ground. It quickly descended into a full on fist fighting, brotherly scuffle on the floor. As what almost always happened, Jay got up first, now racing to the bathroom door. Will knew he had seconds to block his brother. Once he got out he had no clue what was going to come of it, if he'd make a break for the window or just streak out into the hallway. Whatever he had in mind was way more then Will wanted to handle. So in a jokingly, weaker play he quite literally tripped his brother up, using Jay's pained filled, cursing moments to take advantage of the free space by the door. He was deeply panting as he regained footing and power, but he was the human blockade once again.
"Get out of the way Will."
"Nope. You're not leaving till you tell me what's going on."
"I'm just frustrated with you, now let me go." Will saw that Jay kept looking towards the mirror, either looking at himself or something he saw in it, either way it freaked Will out.
"Nope, there's got to be more to it. You've been really quiet all day and now you're fighting with me? You haven't been like that in a few days. Tell me what's going on."
"I can't."
"What?!"
"I CAN'T! I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK UP THERE!"
"So something is going on and you're trying to hide it?"
"I can't go back up to that room, Will. I can't."
"Jay, just tell me what's going on. You're not going back up there, I promise."
"I don't believe you."
"I know you don't. But I need you to trust me, as scary as that is. I won't let them do anything to hurt you or bring you back upstairs."
"Yeah right. The second I speak you're going to sedate me and drag me back up there. You already did it once."
"Will, I did that to help you. You really needed it. If this moment wasn't evidence enough." Jay broke down at that, falling to the floor in a heap of tears and saying something Will couldn't make out. He wasn't sure if this was a ploy to get him away from the door or if he was actually at the end of his rope, the continued sobbing as Will stepped closer provided his answer.
"I'm so sorry, Jay," Will spoke as he hugged his brother, realizing that was one of the first times he ever said that to Jay.
"I don't want to do this anymore," Jay gagged on through tears.
"I know, I know," Will repeated, not sure what Jay was referring to but didn't care.
"You've got to tell me Jay. You have to let it out." Will felt the weak body continue to shake, the tears and confusion ripple off of him and all over Will. This was frustration and desperation to the extreme, Will now really wishing there was some magical pill or procedure to take all of this away.
"I had a bad dream," Jay choked out. Will nodded but remained quiet, this time was entirely Jay's.
"The director was there and said I failed before injecting me with the virus. After I woke up he's been standing in the corner of the room with an hour glass, saying my time was running out. I can't stop hearing him and others. They're so loud." Jay started crying again, hugging Will tight as the tears picked up.
"I'm sorry Jay you went through that. I know it was very real and scary and I'm so sorry. Did you tell Daniel?"
"No."
"Jay, you have to tell him." Jay shook his head, pushing away from Will and folding his arms into his chest.
"No, no way no. He'll send me back upstairs."
"No he won't. He signed off on you coming down here."
"Yeah, without knowing what happened today."
"Jay, one bad dream and hallucination isn't going to send you back upstairs. Setbacks are going to happen through all of this. But you have to tell people so it doesn't keep happening." Just then the very person in question knocked on the door and asked how things were, saying something about hearing crashing.
"Is this a set up?"
"No, no it isn't Jay. I'm serious."
"No, you two are trying to get stuff out of me so I go back upstairs."
"Jay, remember what I said about trusting? This is one of those times. I'm not going to do anything to hurt you. Now, what do I tell him?" Jay looked off in the corner, squinting his eyes like he was trying to make something out. He nodded at nothing and shifted in his spot on the floor, really into whatever was being told to him.
"Jay," Will called again, trying to curve his brother away from the hallucination.
"I'll tell him everything." Will was beyond proud, wanting to cry over the breakthrough. He opened the door and relayed the message to Daniel, saying they'd be out in a few before closing the door again.
"Now, can you please let me clean up your face." It was a denial of oneself, a full on move of going against himself. Jay very rarely did it, was petrified over Will's offer. But for reasons unknown to him he knew he had to trust his brother. He may have cried a few times but Jay sat there and let Will shave the stubble and bad facial hair that had sprouted all over his beard region.
"You look good, man," Will complemented once he was done. Jay stood to look in the mirror, now fully seeing himself for the first time in ages. He was starting to see what Will, Hailey and the others were talking about, he did look ill and not human. He wanted to stay true to the cause, but in all honesty he was scared of his reflection.
"So, can we put on a beanie while the hair grows? And maybe leave the eyebrows alone for a bit?" Jay wanted to resist, say no and storm out, but there was another voice inside him now, telling him he had to give Will this chance.
"Okay." He hated himself so much and the voices were in agreement.
"Dude, that's huge. I'm so proud of you." Jay could only nod, wipe his nose as Will rummaged for the beanie and put it on. He now looked a little better, still ill looking, but better. Final inspection was completed and Will opened the door for him. Jay sat on the bed for the next hour plus telling Daniel everything. From the dream to the falling out of bed to the director in the corner with the hourglass, no detail was left unturned. To Jay's shock, Daniel's only response was to be informed when days like this popped up again so he could give him a medication boost that would help things be clearer for him. Shortly after Jay cried over his dinner, again more of that going against his being and breaking of himself, but Jay ate an entire meal for the first time since being admitted. From there it was time for Will to head home, promising to see Jay in the morning as he walked out.
"Wait, can Will stay tonight? I don't know what's going to happen and I don't want to be alone." It was entirely against the rules and Daniel didn't normally break them, but Jay had just had a massive moment today and he felt it was time to reward him. Jay rolled over and fell asleep as Will sat on the end of the bed, where he stayed for several hours. Every time Jay woke up, his first move was to see if Will was still there, who would always reassure that everything was fine. Around the 3am mark Will finally arose, stepping outside the room for a minute to call Dr. Charles.
"Hey, he's sound asleep. Thanks for letting me stay."
"Definitely." Will hesitated for a moment. He knew this was going to raise some emotions, but it was his brother they were talking about. He couldn't just sit and watch him suffer.
"I want to start talking about ECT. Just begin researching it and talking to Jay about it. He can't live like this." Much to Will's surprise, Daniel was in agreement.
"So fun story, Will. That was going to be my talking point with you in the morning."
So some of you may be asking where Hailey is, or the rest of the team or that reunion with Trudy. All of that is coming. So stay tuned. Thanks for reading!