we hope you enjoy reading this chapter because we sure enjoyed writing it.

Jace, Hands off her Ass

Clary held the baby close to her chesticles, cradling him in an attempt to get him to stop crying. She had been trying to get the baby to stop crying all day, from when Magnus and Alec had left for work until now, several hours later, far past the baby's nap time and approaching his bedtime.

She rocked him gently singing a song she wasn't even paying attention to anymore, and stared off into space. Maybe if I keep my body stiff enough, she thought, I can fall asleep without dropping him. She wished she could put James down for just a minute, so she could sit down and close her eyes, but every time she did, his persistent cries became ear-shattering shrieks, so all she could do to keep the volume at the lowest possible level was keep the child in her arms, keep bouncing him up and down, keep her persistent sssshhhhhhhing that made her throat so sore and her mouth so dry. It seemed like nothing could end this torture but the sweet release of death.

But then, just as Clary was sure there would be no end to the snot bubbles and mind-numbing whine, James began to quiet down. His cries became soft whimpers until he finally laid his head against Clary's shoulder and fell asleep.

A single tear rolled down Clary's cheek as she appreciated the silence for the first time since she woke up that morning. She placed James down into his crib and prayed he stayed down. She strapped the baby monitor to the waist of her sweatpants and went downstairs to wash the baby vomit and tears off of her chest.

After running down two flights of stairs, she shucked off the clothes and tossed them into a hamper. She flung her body into the shower and turned the water to the hottest it could go, hoping the scalding heat would cleanse her body of James's regurgitation.

Once she was done scrubbing her body, always being sure to stick her head out of the shower to listen to the baby monitor, she shut the water off and climbed out, wrapping a large, fluffy towel around her cold body.

After she had brushed out her wet locks of hair and pulled on a pair of fluffy pyjama pants and a cotton t-shirt, she strapped the monitor back to her waistband and ran upstairs to grab a snack.

She hadn't realized how long she'd been in the shower, but when she came back upstairs she found Magnus in the kitchen with Jace and Alec opening a bottle of wine. "Oh, sweetie, you're just in time. Alec got a big architecture deal, so we're celebrating!" He popped the cork off the bottle and poured Clary a big class, sliding it over to her.

Clary hesitated, knowing she should be listening for the baby.

"Come on," Alec said, nudging the glass closer to her. "Tomorrow's your day off. You deserve to relax a little."

Clary needed no more encouragement. She picked up the glass, half full with wine, and downed it in two sips.

Jace clapped enthusiastically, obviously pleased by Clary's willingness, and began to pour her another glass.

Clary swatted his hand away, reaching for the bottle, which she began to idly sip.

Magnus just shrugged, opening another bottle for himself and following her to the couch.

Jace was right behind him, a bottle of scotch in his hand. That could get messy, Alec thought as he sat down with them, a whole bottle of apple juice in his hand.

"Whoa, Alec," Jace cautioned. "Are you sure you can handle all that?"

"Shut up," Alec rolled his eyes, reaching over to unclip the baby monitor from Clary's pants and setting it down beside him.

Clary, already halfway through her bottle, turned to Alec. "Story time," she announced. "Tell me about your worst one-night stand."

Her eye was twitching in a way that made Alec uncomfortable. He wasn't sure why he answered. It must have been because of the apple juice. Or maybe it was Magnus, excitedly tapping him on the knee saying; "tell her about the time you were straight. With Amanda. Alec. Alec tell her. Alec tell her about the time you were straight. Alec."

Alec sighed, taking a big sip of his juice before he began. "I was dating this girl Amanda back in high school. She was really nice, even if I wasn't attracted to her I still liked spending time with her. We're still friends now. She was very understanding about—"

"He threw up in her mouth right when he penetrated her!" Magnus squealed, tears dripping down his cheek as he tried to catch his breath.

"He wasn't even hard!" Jace continued, barely able to get the words out of his choked laughter.

Alec reached for the bottle again, taking a big sip of juice to calm his nerves. Once he swallowed (oh, you sick fuck) he turned to Magnus. "It's your turn," he said, hoping the attention shifting to his husband would be enough to change the subject.

"Oh, don't even get me started," Magnus moaned. "I was once with a guy who was so shy he didn't even want to take off his shirt while we were doing it. So when I tried to take it off for him, and accidentally ripped a hole in his already hole-ridden sweater, he got so mad he just got up and left my apartment with no pants!"

"Magnus, that was me."

Magnus laughed over the lip of his bottle. "Oh yeah."

"I've got one to top that," Jace grinned, slamming his bottle down on the table. "One time I was in the middle of undressing a girl when I found out that she was wearing a diaper."

Clary almost gagged. "That's on you though," she said, taking another sip. "You can't hide diapers through clothes. You should have noticed it before you got to the undressing part."

"That's nothing," Magnus leaned forward. "I was once with a girl who took out her dentures halfway through going down on me."

"Was it better?" Jace asked, sounding genuinely curious.

"It was, but watching her take out her falsies kind of ruined the mood."

"My high school girlfriend said her own dad's name during our first time," Jace smirked, though it faded quickly as he thought about what he said.

Magnus slapped his bottle down next to Jace's. "I once slept with a girl wearing beige underwear. Not nude. Beige."

Jace picked back up his bottle, nodding in defeat. "Yeah, you win."

Clary took the final sip from her bottle and set it down where Jace's had been moments before. "I've got one to top all those stories. One time, I got really drunk and met this guy at a bar. I had never really done that sort of thing before but I thought, hey, my mom just died, why not? So I bring this guy back to my place. He's so hot, an 11, easily. I don't really remember what he looked like since I was completely shit-faced, but I do remember amazing arms and washboard abs. I can only assume we had amazing sex, since I don't remember anything except waking up to a sore vag the next morning."

Jace cleared his throat, a strange look on his face. If Clary didn't know any better she would have thought it was jealousy. "I'm sorry, how is this your worst one night stand?"

"I'm getting to it," Clary said, raising her hand. "So anyway, I wake up the next morning pretty hungover. The guy is long gone, I can only assume he left in the middle of the night. But when I went to use the bathroom, I saw that he had left me a present before he left."

"A ring?" Magnus asked, all starry eyes.

"His wallet," Jace guessed.

"A poop," Alec suggested.

"The biggest shit I had ever seen," Clary deadpanned. "So much it spilled out of the bowl. I was so hungover, I didn't know what to do so I just got a bucket and started scooping it out by hand."

Magnus gagged, looking a very interesting shade of green. She was sure he would puke. The only person who looked more sick was Jace. Alec put down his bottle of apple juice, looking like he was going to die of laughter. "Jace," he said, snickering. "Is there something you'd like to share with the group?"

Jace's face turned a dark shade of red, all the way down to his neck, and shook his head. Alec cleared his throat as though he had been waiting for this moment his whole life.

"I would like to remind everyone of a story Jace once told me, of a one night stand he had with an amazing girl. He was too drunk to remember her name or what she looked like aside from blazing red hair, but he knew that he liked her and he wanted to stay and make her breakfast. However, as we know, one of Jace's many defects is how his body handles alcohol. Some people throw up. Some people pass out. But Jace shits. And when he shits, he shits big." Jace sunk farther into the couch, obviously hoping he could disappear. Clary's gaze slowly shifted to him, her eyes piercing him like daggers. "Jace had to leave before he could make the lovely lady breakfast because he had wrecked her toilet and completely ruined her entire bathroom. And now that I'm saying this, Clary, does Jace look a little familiar?"

"Take. Off. Your. Shirt." Clary growled.

She looked too terrifying for Jace to deny her. He quickly stood up and pulled the fabric over his head.

Clary gasped, jumping to her feet. "I knew it. Washboard abs," she said, pointing accusingly at Jace's stomach. Before Jace could apologize, she jabbed him in the abdomen. "I had plumbing problems for weeks because of you!" she said, almost loud enough to wake the baby, Alec was sure. "Every time I shat, I shat on your shit. Every time I flushed, more of your shit came up! It was endless!"

"Clary," Jace said, trying not to further anger the beast. "I know you're mad, but could you not rub my abs?"

"I deserve this!" Clary shouted. "I was evicted! Because of the smell! And because the shower was permanently stained brown!"

"The shower?" Magnus demanded.

"This is the best day of my life." Alec grinned, taking another sip of his apple juice.

Before you ask, yes, we are small children that still laugh at poop jokes. Two fully grown children that laugh at diarrhea.

Please review with your worst poop story

xoxo

-R&A