Run.
Run while you can.
Run for your life.
Run.
Run.
Run.
It was the second night after the dinner at Regina's house. Sleep hadn't found its way to her on either Thursday or Friday night, but this night she actually managed to fall asleep at a reasonable time. That was until the voices started.. Emma rose from the bed in one quick movement, and debated for only one second if she should actually go for a run or drink some of her usual scotch and go back to sleep. She decided to go with the first. In two minutes she was starting to run from her apartment and towards the woods as usual.
Emma had her usual route, and felt a calming and familiar warmth spread throughout her body as she ran. A quick glance at her watch revealed it was only 4:17 in the morning. At least there were no other people awake at this time. Not even Regina.
The brunette deserved a special prize for her effort the last days. She had tried so hard to converse with Emma, offering to eat their lunch together, either at Granny's or in one of their offices. Emma had politely declined though. Every time she came up with a new excuse. She just couldn't get herself to say yes. She couldn't eat in front of the other woman. Couldn't let her see when she was weak and needed attention and care.
Emma just felt it as she didn't need the care and worry. Even if her parents were getting involved and had started questioning her recent behavior. She just couldn't wrap her head around it. So she ran. She ran for her life, through the woods. An hour passed, her breathing getting more and more forced and irregular. She continued running.
You can do better.
You're worthless, you need this.
Run.
Prove yourself.
Run.
Run.
RUN.
And run she did. She ran to the point where her feet couldn't longer carry her. And that's when the voices started pointing out she was too heavy and definitely needed the running. Even if she could no longer feel her legs, she kept running like she was being chased. Emma could feel the dizziness start to surround her. At this point she couldn't feel a thing anymore. But the voices had stopped. Finally she was alone again. She made her way back to the apartment when her watch showed 6:13. As she stumbled into the hallway, dripping with sweat and legs trembling from exhaustion, she heard her mother's voice call out. Perfect. What was she doing her at this time of the day?
"What on earth have you been doing young lady?" Mary Margaret asked in an ever so slightly annoyed tone.
"I've been out running, if you can't tell that from just looking at me," Emma was too tired to put some fake emotion to her answer.
"At this time?"
"I'm staying in shape. Comes with my job".
"Are you eating properly? It looks like you are getting thinner, Emma. Are you sick?" Mary Margaret's face revealed the worry for her daughter. She wasn't blind to her daughter's recent activities. The fact that Emma always seemed to be either working out or drinking had both her and her husband sick with worry. They just didn't want to interact and by that perhaps make it worse.
"My eating is just fine. If you'll excuse me I have to shower before work". Emma started to make her way to the bathroom when she felt her mother grab her arm. She flinched and pulled back her arm.
"Today is Sunday, Emma", Mary Margaret stated as she tried meeting Emma's gaze.
"Yeah, I knew that", Emma mumbled before retreating to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day.
Regina walked out of her office, finished for the day. She was getting more and more desperate, or maybe not desperate, anxious was the word she was looking for maybe. It had been a week since the dinner at her place, and every attempt she had made to talk with Emma, to hear what was going on with her, had been, surprisingly enough, very politely turned down. Regina had to stand on the side and watch as her friend, or whatever she should call her, isolated herself from her surroundings and got more closed off by every day that passed by. This behaviour called for more… Well, drastic interference if she had to be honest.
It was Thursday night, and she had already talked with Mary Margaret. Even if Regina didn't exactly enjoy the company of the other woman, she had let Henry stay with his grandparents, and Mary Margaret had begged Regina to help her daughter. If Regina was being honest with herself she thought that there was not exactly so much hope that she of all people would be able to help Emma. But here she was; at Emma's doorstep on a Thursday night. An almost silent sigh escaped her lips as she knocked on the door and waited patiently for Emma to open.
The sight that met her was, as she had suspected, a not so very sober Emma. Regina wasn't stupid. She knew Emma was drinking more than what was normal for a working and well functioning woman.
"What are you doing here, Regina? Did my mother send you to check on me? Has she given up on me already? I would like to say I'm surprised, but I'm not actually…" Emma swayed a bit before leaning heavily on the doorframe to prevent her from stumbling down the stairs.
"Honestly, Emma. Say that your mother asked me to check on you, what makes you think I would actually do as she told me to?" Regina had to put on the emotionless mask in order not to show the worry that would have been written all over her face. Emma did indeed look ill, just like Mary Margaret had said.
"Fair enough. Come in if that's what you want. I'm just about to pop open the rum", Emma said as she made her way back to her living room.
Regina followed and raised her eyebrow a bit when she saw how much the other woman must had been drinking already. Another thing that made Regina a bit startled was the warmth that met her when she had entered the living room. It was like being in the middle of the desert, with hot wind blowing straight up her face. Maybe the blonde was actually getting sick, and nothing more serious than that. She sat down beside Emma on the couch and took the bottle from Emma's trembling hands.
"If you're here to make me stop drinking you might as well leave now".
"I was thinking more about pouring for both of us, but if you're insisting on stopping now I would be more than happy to join you on that adventure as well", Regina said as she poured the rum into two plastic cups. Very sophisticated, and so classic Emma. She already knew the answer to her statement, and didn't even bother to put the bottle down. If Emma was getting drunk (or should she say more drunk than she already was, so to say completely wasted) she might as well get drunk with her.
Emma took the plastic cup and brought it to her lips. Everything went down in one gulp. She waited for Regina to do the same before filling the cups again. And again. And again. And one more time. Emma loved the feeling of numbness that came over her when she drank like this. She felt invincible, like there were no problems too severe for her in this world. Of course she knew better. Tomorrow would be like the days she was getting so used to by now.
"It's hot in here", Regina suddenly stated.
"It's not. I'm freezing", Emma answered in a nonchalant tone.
That statement had Regina surprised. Emma was sitting there in what looked like layer on layer with clothing, and then the woman had just said she was freezing? In this temperature? Regina laid a hand on Emma's forehead to check for a fever. Emma threw herself backwards into the couch to avoid Regina's touch.
"I'm just checking if you're sick. Relax, dear". Regina's soothing voice made Emma calm down just a little bit, and when Regina once again touched her forehead she sat completely still and let her do it.
"You are indeed freezing, dear. What on earth is going on with you?" This time Regina couldn't hide the emotions in her voice. Emma hated it. She hated to feel like a burden and the reason why people were worrying. At the same time she enjoyed it. It was like a fake feeling of having somebody care for her. She knew it was fake, but that didn't make it feel any less good in that exact moment.
As Emma shook her head and started on a new serving with rum, Regina took a moment to take in the features of woman in front of her. Emma's face was pale. Her hair looked like it had lost all life, and was it thinner as well? It looked like it, but she couldn't be sure without actually touching it. Her cheeks were hollow, and the lips had a slight tint of blue to them, and so incredibly dry. She caught a glimpse of her collarbone. It pointed out, as it was as sharp as a blade, threatening to cut through her skin. But the worst part was her eyes. They were sunken into deep sockets, and accompanied by dark circles underneath. And even if Emma didn't look her in the eyes, she could see how there was no light, or that usual spark in them. It was just emptiness and hopelessness. It was as this was the first time Regina really saw how fragile she looked, and it both scared her and sparked something inside of her.
"Don't look at me like that", Emma said barely audible.
"Like what?"
"Like you're trying to find flaws. It's not as you have to look at me very long to find them". Emma said this with both embarrassment and shame. She couldn't get herself to look up and meet the deep brown eyes that were looking at her.
"Have you eaten today?" Regina's question seemed to catch Emma off guard and she could almost see the defence go up inside of her. And of course, because Emma wasn't prepared for the question, she didn't have an answer ready.
Emma sat hunched forward, and wrapped her hands around her stomach. It looked as if she was defeated.
"You can't fix me, Regina", she said slowly, without looking up.
"I know", was all she said. Emma felt something she couldn't describe shoot through her body. It was not as if the answer was the wrong one, but she had hoped, just a tiny piece of her had hoped that the other woman would actually try. Not that it was her responsibility. Emma honestly didn't know what was going on with her feelings at this point. Regina seemed to notice the small change in Emma's reaction and scooted a bit closer to her before taking the blonde's pale blue hands into her own. They were freezing. Ice cold. Almost felt like a corps' fingers.
"I know I can't fix you. But it is just because there is nothing to fix. You are not broken. You do not need fixing, Emma. You are a smart, gorgeous and wonderful lady. I think you maybe just need some help realizing that yourself", Regina said as her eyes were fixed on Emma's face. And when those words escaped Regina's lips, Emma finally met her eyes. For a moment there was a flicker of hope in the blonde's eyes. As if she actually believed in what Regina had just said. And that was enough for the brunette. All she needed was that flicker of light, even if it was just there for a short moment.
Emma leaned into the brunette, as if she had given up on supporting her own weight anymore. She felt the arms of the older woman wrap around her, and just hold her.
"It's all I can think of. All day and all night. I'm not able to rest. Not even a single moment of peace. It's so exhausting", Emma was on the verge of tears now. Regina provided her with the sorely needed comfort, and she couldn't help but feel some kind of safety in her arms.
"I don't want you to see me like this, weak and struggling. I'm usually in control. In control of my emotions and the calories… And the voices", her words were barely a whisper as her body started shaking. She was freezing, she was exhausted and she was so tired of it all.
"I just want it to stop. I just need a minute with peaceful rest. Is that too much to ask for?" Regina figured the question was more to herself than to her, but she chose to answer either way.
"You can sleep now. I'll be here when you wake up". And that permission to rest was the only thing Emma needed right there. It felt good lying in Regina's arms, as the brunette stroked her back slowly. This kind of physical contact was something Emma wouldn't usually allow. But right now she was drained from the last week's events, and right there it felt like she might actually have a chance at going back. She could finally imagine what her life had been like without this dance with the devil.
Regina continued to stroke her back, and moved on to her hair as well. Her hair was thinner, as she had expected. But it was just hair, it would grow out again.
"Sleep now, dear. I won't leave you until you make me. And even then I won't go without a fight".