It turned out Regina kept her promise. At least that's what Emma thought when she woke up the next day, almost in Regina's lap. The brunette hadn't left her side when she slept through the night, and even now she was still keeping her hands wrapped around Emma as if to protect her from something.

As the effect of the alcohol had worn off, Emma suddenly felt sick from the contact. Then she remembered what happened last night, and how close she had been to a total breakdown. She was lucky enough to not get hangover from drinking, but in that moment she felt sick to the stomach, followed by a sudden urge to throw up.

The warmth from Regina was enough to make a small part of Emma want to stay where she was, but the other part of her brain, the one with the most control over her, told her to get away from the grip she had on her. As Emma retreated from her spot Regina woke up and looked at her.

"Did you sleep well?" was all she asked. Not even a simple 'good morning'. Was she suddenly not worthy of a good morning anymore? Not wanting to think about that any further, she simply nodded and avoided eye contact.

"We don't have work today. I figured you could use a day off", Regina continued. Emma felt anger rise to her cheeks when she heard this. How did she dare to simply give her a day off? Like a grounded little five year old.

"And you're here as my babysitter?" she asked with a tone soaked with bitterness.

"Emma, I – "

"I did sleep well, thank you. Now I need to shower", Emma said as she rose from the couch and turned around before the other woman got a chance to say anything else. She had to wash off the dirty feeling she could sense coming. As she stepped into the shower, she once again thought of what she had said last night. She regretted it. Oh how much she regretted opening up the way she did. It wasn't as she had said so much, but what she had said and done was probably enough for Regina to start interfere with her life.

The hot water poured over her, and she parted her lips to let the water flood into her mouth. Down the throat, into her lungs, filling up her lungs making her unable to breathe. Drowning in the shower, what a relief that would have been. She wouldn't have to get up every morning and live through this kind of hell.

What was the reason with waking up every morning if every day was going to be the same? The same fight every day. It was a fight in her own mind, but it was like she was fighting with her body. The only thing was that she was paralyzed and not able to defend herself. She could feel this madness swallowing her, chewing her whole and spitting her out only to have her pretend that the bruises from being eaten alive wasn't there.

The more she thought about it the more she realized how helpless she was. It was like swimming without hands. How can you swim without hands? It was practically impossible. The only thing she could do was hold her breath and hope she would float.

But then came the starving. It wasn't like she knew she wasn't starving herself but she needed it. The starving was like her lifebuoy when she couldn't get her head above the water. The starving became her hands. It swam for her, kept her safe when the water surrounding her became too much.

Emma knew she didn't need anyone else, and she was going to fix last night's slip of mind as soon as she got downstairs again. If Regina was still there that was. When she came down Regina was in the kitchen, making eggs and bacon. When Emma entered the kitchen she turned around and smiled at her.

"I had to go to the store and get food as your shelves and fridge lack everything but carrots and celery, but I'm almost done with breakfast". Emma thought she had never felt that uncomfortable in her whole life before. What was she to do? The woman had made her breakfast, and she was almost done and it was expected from her to suck it up and eat it all with a smile.

"I'm vegan". The words were out of her mouth before she could even think twice about it. It was almost scary how lying came this easy to her. She knew, of course, that Regina wasn't that easily fooled, but it was just a natural response and she was so used to the line that it just fell from her mouth.

"Don't bother, dear. Remember that I know when you're lying".

"Look, I appreciate everything you did for me last night". Well, that's a lie. She didn't appreciate it at all. She felt horrible about last night. But she sure as hell wasn't going to tell Regina that.

"But I'm fine and I don't need your breakfast or your surveillance. You can go home to your house and pick up Henry after school and have your dinner in peace and… Please just go, Regina". Emma was starting to feel lightheaded but she almost didn't notice. She was so used to it that she didn't know what she would be without that feeling.

"I'm not leaving you, Emma! What part of that sentence didn't you understand last night?"

I can't have you here, Regina. I can't have you here, because I'm afraid I'll start crying and feel things again. Things I don't want to feel. I can't have you here. I want you here, but I'm not ready to have you here, do you understand that Regina? All that was what Emma was going to say, what she wanted to say. She didn't.

"You're not wanted here, Regina. Get out!" was what finally came out of her.

"I don't care if you want me here or not. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Don't you see that? I know you're not as fine as you like to think you are. I know you don't feel as if you need my help, and maybe that's right, maybe you don't need my help, but I'm the one who is here now and – "

"Stop". Emma could feel anger flare up inside of her. She needed Regina to shut up before she started to cry from frustration.

"No, you listen to me. I'm the one who is here now and, believe it or not; I care about your well-being. And if you think for one second –".

"Please stop talking".

"If you think for one second, that I believe that bullshit about you being fine, you're wrong. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Have you seen yourself? The sad part is that I believe you have. But you don't see what I see. You don't see yourself – ". Regina was on fire now. Emma's eyes started to tear up as she kept on going. She had to stop. Emma couldn't take it if this went any longer

"For gods sakes shut up!" Her voice sounded angrier and louder than she intended it to. If Regina couldn't see how much she was struggling, she was obviously as blind as she claimed not to be.

"Emma, listen to me. If you won't listen to me I will have to find someone who can get through to you. Maybe your mother is a good option?"

"Stop talking! Just shut your mouth. Stop…. Stop… Just stop!" Emma took a shaky breath as she steadied herself at the counter. She knew Regina was watching, but she was dizzy now, so dizzy she knew it wouldn't last long before she was going to fall.

"I'm tired of everybody pretending to care and pretending to want to talk, when it's so very clear to me that nobody gives a fuck. Enough with pretending to care if I'm fine or not, I'm tired of it and I would very much appreciate it if you just leave me alone from now on", she said in a surprisingly calm tone. She folded her hands over her chest and stared at Regina. The brunette just slightly shook her head before gathering her belongings and gently shut the door behind her.

She was gone. Good. It was good, she was gone. And it was good. It was what she wanted. Emma couldn't have Regina in her apartment right now. Or maybe ever. But she wanted her there. How bad she wanted Regina to be by her side. She was probably the best friend Emma had, and she always seemed to genuinely care about her.

It's fake.

Don't let it fool you.

Stupid girl.

Exhaustion hit her hard as she went to clean the kitchen. She wanted to eat the food. She wanted it so bad. One part of her knew she needed some kind of nutrition to keep going. The other part told her that was what the carrots were for. The smell of eggs and bacon almost had her paralyzed and her stomach growled from going for two days without anything else than five carrots to fuel her.

Pride filled her when she thought about this achievement. It didn't last long.

You can do better.

Less carrots.

More days.

Less calories.

You need to do better.

When she realized she had been staring at the food for five minutes without moving, she looked at her watch. 9:57am, her scheduled breakfast was in three minutes. Maybe just one single bite would be enough to shut up her stomach and the burning sensation within her intestines. At 10am sharp she put a small bite of egg into her mouth. She chewed and chewed and chewed until it didn't taste anything. Then she went on with the bacon. Just a small bite.

She should have known better.

One small bite always turned into everything. It was either everything or nothing. She preferred nothing. Thinking about the cleanness of her bowels had always calmed her down. But they weren't clean anymore. They were filled with food. Ugly and sneaky calories.

She ran into the bathroom and locked the door. How silly. Locking the door when she was alone. Silly girl, she thought to herself.

There it was. Her reflection. She leaned up close to the mirror and looked at her face. She could feel the skin tightening and filling up with fat from the bacon. The calories just made their way to her ribs and hips and stomach. Her clothes were ripped off in an instant, and she started to check out every inch of herself. Still fat to pinch between her fingers. As she ran her hands over her collarbone and down to her ribs it was as she could feel the calories from the breakfast adding to the layer of fat that was already there.

Then she realized what she had said to Regina.

She realized what she had lost in the last fifteen minutes.

Gone were the two days of almost eating nothing.

Gone was Regina. Her best friend was gone.

All alone, once again.

She slowly sunk down to the bathroom floor and clung her arm tightly around her knees.

Then the tears started to fall. When they first started, she knew they wouldn't stop anytime soon.

Weak girl.

Weak, silly girl.

What a disappointment.

Can't even do a simple thing like avoiding eggs and bacon.

Worthless little girl.

Why do you even bother trying.

As the voice grew louder it got harder to breathe. She gasped for air as she cried herself into a sensation of numbness.

Don't bother waking up.

You're a failure.

She knew it was right. It was always right. That had been proven over and over again. Still, she didn't seem to learn from her mistakes. The crying wouldn't stop, even if she felt it as she had cried for days. And she knew… Emma knew she wouldn't get better. She had to learn how to live with this living nightmare all over again. With determination she pulled her knees closer to her chest. She was going to prove to them all, Regina, her mother and father and Henry, and everybody else, that she was a well functioning human being.

Silly girl.

What are you thinking.