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Pie or Fetus

"Thanks for meeting up," Jordan said, sitting down across from Alec and Magnus. "John is kind of nervous to meet my friends so we wanted to start with a few of you at a time. And this is his first time dating a guy so I think it would be good for him to see a healthy gay relationship, you know?"

Magnus nodded, pouring himself a seventh bottle of wine. "Yes, that's a good plan. Where is mister blondie anyway?"

Alec sighed and dropped his head into his hands. "I'm so sorry about this. For some reason every time we come to this restaurant, Magnus drinks more wine than a sad Catholic lady."

"It's made of cherries!" Magnus hissed. "The wine is cherries! How could I not drink it all"

Jordan stood suddenly, looking over Alec's shoulder. "John, hey! You made it!"

A tall blond man came into Alec's view. He seemed athletic without being jocky about it. He had a strong jaw and kind eyes. Alec could not deny the obvious big dick energy coming off of this guy.

John stopped when he reached Jordan and gave him a quick kiss before sitting beside him. He reached over the table and shook Alec's hand and introduced himself, then went to greet Magnus.

Alec's very drunk husband reached out and kissed John's hand. "Enchantée, monsieur hot bod. Do you come here often?"

John smiled, confused but clearly eyeing the many bottles of wine on the table. "You must be Magnus."

Magnus nodded. "Would you like some wine?" He picked up each bottle, shook it, then put it back down until he found one with a couple of inches of wine left. "It's cherry."

John shook his head. "I'm ok, I'll just stick with coke."

Magnus gasped. "One time, Alec and I were in Vegas, and he was like 'ooh we're on vacation lemme do a line of coke' so he did and then he rolled down a hill and puked on the way down and rolled in the puke."

Alec rubbed his eyes. "Magnus, that was a can of coke. I drank a can of coke."

John nodded, "uh-huh, and you didn't roll down a hill and puke all over yourself either?"

Alec sipped his water. "God, you're worse than Jace…"

Magnus gasped even louder than last time. "Jace!" he leaned over to Jordan and John conspiratorially, cupping his hands around his mouth. "Did you know that Jace, Alec's brother, knocked up our nanny?!"

Jordan's eyes widened. "Wait, what? They slept together? She's pregnant!?"

Magnus shook his head. "No, Jordan, this was like—Jordan, this was like more than a year ago. She got pregant and she was so poor she couldn't keep the baby!" He pouted exaggeratedly. "So sad."

Jordan's mouth fell open. "So she met Jace over a year ago and they hooked up and he didn't even pay her child support or help her or anything?"

Magnus chugged the rest of his wine. "He didn't know! It was sush a tragedy they lost eachother like romeo and Juliet. Did Romeo and Juliet ever lose each other? Like in an airport?"

Alec shook his head. "You're thinking of Home Alone."

Magnus nodded, "yeeees, that's what I was thinking of. Anyway, they lost eash other and Cary was a hobo for like a month when she was pregant ooooooh it was so saaaaaaaaaaad"

John nodded along, "your nanny's name is Carrie?"

"We really shouldn't be talking about this," Alec interrupted, almost cutting off John. "This isn't appropriate to be telling a stranger. Or Jordan for that matter. It's not our business," he whispered to Magnus.

Magnus gasped. Alec really wanted him to stop gasping. "You should come back to our place! You should meet them so you can know what they look like so you can imagine their faces in your mind… but sssshhhhhhhhh," he closed his eyes and pressed three fingers to his pursed lips. "Jace doesn't know. About the baby, that is. He knows about the sex because it was consentual. Or as consentual as sex can be between two drunk people."

"We can't leave, we haven't even ordered." Jordan protested. "I'm hungry."

John nodded in agreement.

Magnus stood and waved down the waiter. "Garçon! Ten bottles of wine and four deluxe hamburgers to go, please." He threw his napkin down onto the table and took John's hand, leading him towards the door. "Come darling, let's go wait in the car while dearest Alec pays the bill."

Magnus opened the door and let it swing all the way until it hit the wall. He stomped inside with John on his arm, Alec and Jordan behind him carrying the takeout. "HOME, I'M HONEYYYYYY!"

Jace rounded the corner, looking confused. "You guys are home early."

Alec lifted the bag of take out and Magnus lifted one of his bottles of wine. "We decided to bring it back here."

They brought their takeout into the kitchen and set it down on the counter. Jordan skipped off to the bathroom.

Jace reached out and shook John's hand. "I'm Jace."

John nodded and introduced himself.

"Pst," Magnus whispered loudly. "John… this is the guy who had sex with our nanny!"

John nodded, releasing Jace's hand. "Uh, yeah. I got that."

Jace sighed. "You told him about that? I only just met the guy."

Magnus leaned in closer and whispered even louder, "yeah but don worry. We didn't tell him about how you shat up her whole apartment and she had to move out because you ruined it with your poop. Your shit was the reason for her homelessness... Sssshhhhhhhhh, he'll never know."

Magnus grabbed Alec's arm and led him out of the kitchen, proclaiming that he wanted to put on his jammies. They left a furiously blushing Jace and awkward John alone in the kitchen.

"Maybe we shouldn't leave Jace alone with John," Alec mumbled to his husband.

Magnus shook his head. "Nah, they'll be fine. Straight boys always get along."

Alec didn't feel like correcting him that John, being in a relationship with Jordan, a man, was clearly not straight. So he just led Magnus upstairs and helped him change into his pyjamas.

Once they were both dressed in comfy clothes, they went back downstairs to check on the two complete strangers they'd left alone together.

Jordan stood in the kitchen doorway staring at the scene ahead. Alec wasn't sure what he was staring at until he got close enough to see John and Jace fully embracing each other.

"I love you so much bro."

"I love you too bro."

"Bro, you make me feel complete."

"Bro…"

"What the hell is happening here?"

Instead of separating, John and Jace spun so Jace could look at Alec. "I'm hugging my bro."

"You guys have known each other for less than ten minutes," Alec said.

Jace let go of John and spread his arms. "He's the closest thing I have to a brother!"

John shed a single tear. "Bro," he said, hugging Jace again.

"What is happening," Jordan mumbled.

Magnus nodded in agreement. "Somehow this is the gayest thing I've ever seen."

Clary walked into the kitchen suddenly. She was sweaty and had a large vomit stain on her shirt. She grabbed one of the bottles of wine from the counter and popped it open, taking a long sip. "James is asleep," she finally said after swallowing. She nodded to the blond stranger's back who was hugging Jace. "Is this Jordan's boyfriend?"

"He was," Jordan mumbled. "Now I think he's Jace's boyfriend."

John patted Jace's back and finally pulled away to greet the newcomer. "So you're the nanny. Hi Cary—clARY?!"

"John? What the hell are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here? What are you doing here?"

"I work here! I told you about my nanny job."

"Riiiiiiiiiiight, right right right. But like… not the nanny that fucked this blond asshole right here and got pregnant right?"

"What?" Clary squeaked.

"Ssshhhhh," Magnus hushed.

"Pregnant?!" Jace demanded.

Clary whipped around to look at Alec. "You told him? How could you?"

"Yes," Magnus whispered. "Alec told him. How could he? I'm shocked." He took another sip of wine.

John grabbed Clary's shoulder and pulled her back to face him. "You mean to tell me you got pregnant and you never told me? When did this happen?!"

Clary looked away, "last year."

John gasped. "You were pregnant in Africa?"

"I never went to Africa! That was a cover for the pregnancy."

"So you lied to me for months and lived in poverty instead of letting me help you? I had money Clary. I could have helped! You didn't have to live on the streets or give up the baby! Why didn't you just talk to me?" John was yelling now, and he didn't even seem to notice how much he was raising his voice.

Jordan had shrunk back into the hall, clearly upset by the yelling.

Clary's eyes began to water. "I wanted to tell you… I was just so ashamed. I didn't know what you would do and I just thought I could do it on my own…"

John wrapped his arms around his sister. "It's ok. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell. I'm just upset that you had to go through that all by yourself."

Clary leaned into his chest and sniffled. "I'm sorry." She pushed away from him. "And I'm sorry you had to find out this way, Jace—"

But Jace was gone. After a few moments, they heard the front door slam shut.

Magnus cleared his throat. "Sooooo… we're going on vacation… and we leave tomorrow!"

Clary sighed in defeat.