A/N: I'm so sorry it's been forever! I first posted Eden Revisited, my parody in 2015 but later deleted it. But I kept all my drafts and copies, both published and unpublished. Reading over my old story made me laugh so, so, so hard and much. Then I began to add new parts. Then I decided, you know what? I need to post this. So I'm going to post Eden Revisited again and this time it's going to be even longer, better and uncut than last time. Important: I adore both obsessmuch and Eden which remains my fav fanfic of all time. So this is a very loving parody, as only a true fan would be able to do. I've read Eden by obsessmuch many times so I know a lot of the lines and can parody many of the scenes. Disclaimer: If you haven't read Eden by obsessmuch yet, PLEASE read that first, then bookmark/follow this one and come back later. I am a fan. That is why I wrote this parody. This parody contains many spoilers. Also if you're worried, no obsessmuch was not offended by my parody. She actually literally favorited it when I had it posted years back and that made me so happy, especially when she reviewed it, I still have that saved on my computer.

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CHAPTER 1: CAPTURE

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"DEATH EATERS AMONG US ONCE MORE," the headline of the Daily Prophet reads.

'There has been a breakout of six, believed to be highly dangerous, wizards from Azkaban. Among them sexy-pants Lucius and Russian playboy model Antonin Dolohov also escaped...be very warned, they are very sexy. Oh and they kill people...'

Hermione quickly lost her focus, reading the newspaper got boring quick and it's her summer vacation.

She smirks to herself as she takes out something more appropriate for a muggle teenage girl to be reading in 2007.

Checking no one was looking over her shoulder, the muggleborn took out her three, well-worn editions of Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse and went to her favorite scenes about Edward. She shivered in delight, her toes tapping against the floor as she read. Because dating a vampire who wants to kill you and drink your blood...is...so romantic. Hermione felt her stomach do flip-flops as Edward nearly killed her parents and then beat up her best friend...oh so romantic. Almost as romantic as this fanfic.

When is something exciting like that going to happen to me? Hermione thought bitterly and examined herself in the mirror.

Well she was as plain as Bella Swan but apparently not plain enough to have her own vampire admirer or some other sort of admirer kidnap her or drink her blood. Dammit.

She put down New Moon to stare out her window and sigh. Tomorrow is Bill Weasley and Fleur's wedding.

She thinks of Ron, her best friend, being there in a suit...and for some reason, she wants to giggle.

Ron is totally in her league and she knows by now to not dream of anyone out of her league like Lucius or Antonin kidnapping her and taking her away from here...

But suddenly there is a shift in the air of her room and the curtains of her open window blow.

Hermione sniffs the air...is that expensive cologne?

Could it be Edward?

But then a strong arm wraps around her neck from behind.

Hermione breathes in excitement.

"EDWARD?" she gasps.

"NO," the man says.

Hermione looks down at the bulky, strong arm clad in black leather. "JACOB?"

"No!" the man drawls and then she recognizes his elegant, silky voice. Oooh...

"The Volturi?"

"No!" The man slaps her with an invisible hand and something about the way he slaps her reminds her of a certain man who used to beat Dobby. A man as equally elegant and powerful in his own way, as the Volturi, who also had rods stuck up their arses.

"Lucius?" she whispers shakily.

"Yes, it is I," he drawls, pleased she has put the dots together. "Come here to kidnap you, mudblood."

At that moment, her mum heard the grown man's voice in her room and began to worriedly shake the handle of her room, trying to get in.

"Hermione is that you? Who's that voice I hear?!" her mum asks in panic and tries to turn the knob which is locked. "Is that a man in your room? You know you're not allowed to date until your 20!"

Hermione's heart skips a beat and shuts her eyes tightly closed. No, she can't let her mother wreck her fantasies of being kidnapped by a smexy older man.

She tightens her hold on Lucius's arm. "Don't let that woman take me away from you. I can't remain a virgin forever." A tear falls down her eyes. "Even though I'm pretty certain you will kill me, I can't take wearing this purity ring any longer!" She lifts up her hand where her damn muggle parents put the purity ring on her years ago and forced her to promise to not have premarital sex.

Lucius sneers down at her and examines the ring. "Did you think I would let a muggle take you away from me? I'm here to kidnap you and no muggle is going to stop me. Purity ring or not!"

"Good!" Hermione exhales in relief. "Because the only reason I'm in this room is because they grounded me when I said I wanted to sleepover at the Burrow."

"What filthy muggle parents you have," Lucius drawls. "Do you want me to kill them?"

Hermione thinks heavily over that question. If he kills her parents, she will be able to do whatever *she* wants. But if he doesn't kill them, she will feel guilty and he will be able to pretend to leverage their lives over her to get what *he* wants.

"Don't kill them," she says quickly. "I can always obliviate them and send them to Australia if they get in my way again!"

"Good, I can use that later as leverage over you," Lucius snarls and he turns her around so she can see his face for the first time. He looks the same as she remembers him in the Ministry of Magic except there is one line of indentation by his dimples that says he might've been comfort eating in Azkaban. But he is as handsome and pretentious as ever, with perfectly coiffed hair, not a strand out of place. It immediately makes her feel inferior but she holds her chin up high.

He smirks at her in a Malfoy pureblood la-di-da way. Hermione feels her heartbeat skip a beat. This is exactly the type of evil man, who hates her, she was hoping to seduce and teach about elf-rights and valuing muggleborns. If only she can endure enough beatings to make him see the error of his ways. Plus, make him fall in love with her in time to not kill her.

"Your hand, Miss Granger, I cannot apparate without your permission," he says silkily.

Hermione glances back at the commotion her muggle parents are causing behind her bedroom door.

"Stop her, David!" Her mother hisses while her father tries to barrel down the door.

"You are not escaping this house young lady!" her father shouts as he begins to break down the door. "You know the rules!"

Hermione nods. It's now or never. Her parents can either die now or later.

She chooses later. Or hopefully never, but she couldn't stay here any longer.

"I'm ready to go," she whispers more to herself than Lucius.

"Well met, mudblood," Lucius's eyes are unreadable dark and she knows she can't trust this man...but anything, ANYTHING, is better than being locked up the whole summer, with her parents. Or not being allowed a boyfriend under their roof.

"It was the easier choice," she shrugs and they disappear with a loud pop from her bedroom.

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When her parents finally break into her room, they see the Twilight series books left on her bed and nothing else taken.

"Dammit, I think she might've ran off with Edward, or Ron or one of her magical friends!"

"I told you we shouldn't have trusted her to attend an overnight school with boys there!" Her mom pouts. "Now it's time to put her face on a milk carton."

"That'll help," David Granger rolls his eyes.

But they get out their most unflattering pictures of their daughter from her sixteenth birthday party, even though she's 17 now and no longer wearing those embarrassing braces.

"Oh I'll 'owl' the Order too," Dr. Granger remembers. "They said they'd want to know if our daughter ever disappears."

"Good! At this rate, we'll get her back soon!"

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end of chapter 1

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