A/N: This is my birthday post this year! I wasn't sure I'd have it ready in time, but... voila!
I began my very first fic right before my last b-day, and I can't believe it's been a year already.
It sure was a crazy one lol.
The elixir worked a lot faster than any of them had anticipated. It had barely passed her lips when groggy eyelids fluttered open, revealing a strange man in a strange house she did not recognize. If the unfamiliar surroundings startled her; Rin didn't let on. She couldn't mask her brief confusion from their assessing gazes, but they doubted she even attempted to.
If anything; the young lady seemed only to be relieved. The onlookers couldn't tell if that was because she recognized a few of the faces hovering over her futon, or simply because she was now aware that her captors were no more, and she was back in friendly territories. Probably both.
Inuyasha instantly rushed down the road to inform his brother of Daichi's success, while Miroku and Sango remained to offer assurances to the newly awakened, newly freed prisoner of war.
At the mention of his name was when the girl finally lit up, though something akin to worry flitted over her gentle features for just the briefest of moments. The former lovers thought nothing of it.
The spell had put her body on pause, and thus it had not been missing sustenance, but Daichi left to busy himself with getting her something to eat for comfort's sake. Whether it would be hers or his own remained uncertain.
When Inuyasha finally returned with his brother and Kagome; all three were panting raggedly from the full-on sprint they'd just endured. Staying true to form; Sesshoumaru's face remained passive. Stock still; he lingered just within the doorway with an almost unreadable expression.
The only relief he betrayed was in his eyes, as they took on a softening quality usually reserved only for her, and more recently; a certain miko who had endeared herself to him.
Kagome, however, was not so reserved. Wasting no time; she flew to the Rin's side, and kneeled beside the futon to throw her arms around the girl, and hugged her tightly. Tears of joy escaped the emotional woman, but Rin only responded by returning the hug in earnest; a subtle smile on her lips as she rested her chin on Kagome's shoulder.
Sesshoumaru wasn't prepared when he entered the room to find familiar brown eyes lucid and alert. Alive and awake. He didn't know if it was his lifetime of stoicism, or shock which allowed him to keep still; stiff and unflinching, despite the myriad of emotions roiling within.
There was a measure of relief in seeing with his own eyes that she was safe. With her consciousness reinstated; she had finally, officially returned to him. For that, he was certainly pleased. But once that was affirmed, the dread settled in his bones like a terminal illness.
This was the moment he'd agonized over; he still didn't know how he was going to handle it.
She hadn't landed her gaze upon him yet, but he could feel his chest tighten and his lungs begin to shrink as he mentally prepared himself for her dejected disappointment. Her hurt and mistrust. Her fear, perhaps. And most certainly; her pain.
Just looking at her was overwhelming. He couldn't explain it, and he blamed his human form somewhat, for it was an emotion he had never experienced once in all his centuries. But he forced his mind to blank as his body reacted naturally to being in the presence of the young girl he had failed.
"Rin!" the miko gushed, more than willing to make up for her emotionally stunted protector's lackluster reception. "Thank the kami; you're awake! We were so worried. How are you feeling?"
Her excitable questions were answered in time, and Sesshoumaru tried not to appear anxious as he allowed the reunion to play out. It was clear Rin hadn't noticed him yet, and he was by no means eager to alert her.
He simply waited for her to recognize him, and register him, and acknowledge him. The second she did; his posture straightened, and chin lifted, as if ready to accept his fate in the form of her judgement - whatever it may be.
The muscles in his face didn't move an iota, but he knew his eyes betrayed devastation when hers widened warily at the first sight of him.
She'd never looked at him like that. Reverent awe was all he had ever known from the little girl he took into his charge. He hated that he had taken it for granted. He hated that he'd reveled in it, and missed it, and needed it now that it was gone. He forced himself to hold her gaze, but all he wanted to do was retreat in shame. It was too much.
He could feel the air getting thinner, the room closing in on him. He feared he might not make it out in time. But just as his breathing began to shorten; the look was wiped away, and replaced with that old expression he knew and loved so well. It didn't cure him completely, but it did offer him a balm.
"Lord Sesshoumaru," she intoned, causing Kagome to release her from her embrace and look back over her shoulder at the still uncertain ex-demon looming near the doorway. He looked like he wanted the option to make a hasty retreat. For a second; she worried that he might.
She knew how hard this was for him, and with a sympathetic smile; she rose. She was about to go grab his hand and lead him over, but thankfully Sesshoumaru began drifting forward on his own accord. She was trying to instruct him with her eyes, but his remained locked on the girl sitting up in her bed, waiting impatiently for him to reach her. She looked like if he didn't soon; she would come to him.
He finally reached her side, and knelt slightly further away than Kagome had been. Appraising eyes roamed over her; assessing and looking for everything he needed to know, to assure himself of her safety, or maybe, her existence all together.
Rin, very used to her lord's distance, simply smiled and enjoyed him even this close. There was a long, silent moment that ensued. He was looking for something - whether it was injuries, or forgiveness or permission remained unclear. But they wouldn't get long to observe it, for it ended when he reached his long arm out to cradle her jaw in his hand. Perhaps a show of affection, perhaps to assure himself of her presence, most likely both. She closed her eyes as she leaned into the contact, and his fingers twitched in her hair.
Kagome watched the scene unfold, feeling her heart spill over. Happy tears had already begun to form, and were flowing freely at the long-awaited reunion finally taking place. Nobody said a word; it looked like she wasn't the only one who Sesshoumaru could speak to without speaking, and several things appeared to pass between the two as they continued to gaze into each other's eyes.
Rin's enjoyment appeared to temper as relief fell away, being replaced again by the wariness she wore upon first taking sight of her protector, and his heart clinched again. This was it. This was what he'd been fearing. But no matter how much he wanted to run; he would take it like a man. He had this coming. He deserved it.
He would let her say her piece before he tried to convince her she had nothing to fear from him. That even though he'd failed her, it wasn't because he did not care. That he would completely understand if she did not wish to stay with him, or even see him anymore. That now that he was human; he was of no use to her, nor anyone.
His blank façade was hard-kept, but well-practiced, and he watched her anxious young face take on a bewildered expression.
"Lord Sesshoumaru..." she repeated, crinkling her brow in obvious confusion. The address had him lifting his chin expectantly. "What happened to you?"
The others had almost forgotten that his human appearance was not normal, but her confusion still puzzled him, and he let it show.
"I became human," he stated simply, and then lifted a brow. "Do you not recall?"
After all, the change had occurred before the girl was taken from him. She had been there when he returned from a hunt, and...
"Human?" she repeated incredulously, as if confounded at the very notion. "How? When?"
With another dubious glare; he tried to make sense of her confusion. Perhaps the spell had an effect on her memories?
"Shortly before you were taken."
His answer seemed to do nothing for her bewilderment. Unsure how to proceed; he shifted his gaze down to Kagome who remained kneeling nearby.
"Rin, you were kidnapped by tiger youkai," the miko informed her cautiously. She cut her eyes back to Sesshoumaru for an instant, to find him regarding his ward with what looked like worried appraisal. Seeing that he had no objections; she continued her explanation. "We've been searching for you for nearly a month. They put you under a spell."
"Tiger youkai?" she repeated, earning a nod from the looming miko. "But I've never met a tiger before."
Another nervous glance was shared between he and Kagome.
"Rin, what is the last thing you remember?" As she averted her eyes and thought about it; Kagome was watching Sesshoumaru for a reaction, but he was giving little away. He just waited, with outstanding patience that just had to be deceptive.
"I... I was bleeding..." she finally recalled. "between my legs."
All un-privy parties widened their eyes at the confession, but only looked at one another while Rin returned her attention to her guardian. "When I told you; you said you were taking me to a woman over the border. I had never met her, but you said she would explain the ways of human women." Sesshoumaru listened intently as her memories unfolded before his eyes.
"It was snowing really bad," she continued. "and after a day of travel; you left me and Jaken-sama in a cave for shelter while you found something for me to eat. You said you would be right back, but you were taking a long time." After a pause, she hushly admitted, "That is the last thing I remember."
Kagome could see a million things rolling through Sesshoumaru's overactive brain. He had new information to process, analyze, and troubleshoot in real time, but she also got the feeling he was determining how much to tell the roused girl. He probably didn't want to overwhelm her.
"I did return to you." he informed her softly, finally pulling back his hand. He still remained somewhat at a distance. "When I returned, I was..." His throat became uncomfortably dry, but he didn't need to finish. "You were taken shortly after. You do not recall it?"
Shaking her head, Rin responded, "No."
He considered her a moment, and she finally asked, "Why did you become human?"
Kagome's muscles tensed. She could taste her bile rising as she watched his brows knit.
"I do not know," he bit out, just as furious as he was humiliated to offer such a phrase.
Another long, wordless moment passed inside Daichi's house, in which the tension and discomfort rolling off Rin became almost suffocating. To Kagome at least. She didn't know if the others could sense it. But with the new, troubling information; she couldn't blame her. The way Sesshoumaru was assessing her like a difficult math problem would certainly make Kagome uneasy, but she was sure Rin was accustomed to that.
Finally, it was the young girl to break the uneasy silence.
"Why was I bleeding?" The innocent question broke Sesshoumaru from his spell, and with a surprised expression quickly coming and going across his face; he stood.
"Perhaps Kagome would be willing to educate you," he volunteered, looking down at the miko in question. She recognized the plea, and stood as well.
"Of course." She flashed Rin a comforting smile. "We can talk privately later."
"You may have your privacy now," he countered instantly, then turned to the others in the room. "Leave them."
They certainly didn't need to be told twice, and everyone except he and Kagome made to exit the room.
"Right now?" Kagome asked him, and he deigned an apologetic glance. He knew he was putting her on the spot. But she had offered...
"If that is alright." His gentle tone then adopted a frustrated edge. "She deserves answers, and I am frustratingly short on them at the moment."
Nodding dumbly; Kagome understood.
"Uh, sure. Yeah, of course."
With a thankful nod; he spared Rin one last glance before making for the exit himself. Her anxious voice stopped him, however.
"Are you coming back?"
His back was to her, and he didn't turn around to reply.
"If you wish it."
"Please, come back," she responded instantly.
He finally looked over his shoulder just enough to catch her pleading gaze. "Very well."
He continued to leave, but his escape was halted yet again.
"Sesshoumaru-sama..." This time, he couldn't resist turning around to face his rescued ward. He took in her shining, grateful features, and for some reason; it hurt even worse than the disappointment he was expecting. At least that he had prepared for. "Thank you for rescuing me again," she said with a kind smile. "You are my hero."
It took everything he had to keep his mask in place. To keep his tone even. To keep it together for her.
The month she was gone could not have possibly accelerated her growth as much as it appeared to him in that moment. He could have sworn that the last time he saw her; she was still that silly, gap-toothed child with a sloppy ponytail, picking flowers and singing songs. But when he looked at her now; he saw a young lady on the cusp of womanhood. He could deny it no longer.
She'd still been so young to him when she was taken. In fact, she hadn't aged a day in his eyes since the moment he revived her in that forest. Now, all at once; he was forced to accept the fact that Rin was no longer a child. Had he been so willfully blind, or was he just not paying attention? Neither answer pleased him.
What also didn't please him was how it would change everything. Things had to be different now, but that seemed to be happening a lot lately. Whether or not he chose to admit it; deep down he knew this day would always come. He despised that it took something like this to make him acknowledge it. Regardless, it would be acted upon.
"I am relieved you have returned," he managed to reply. His face was made of stone, but he held her eyes meaningfully, trying to relay what he could not say. "Your absence had me... quite distraught."
She gentled with obvious relief, and seemed to relax incredibly.
"Well, I am safe now," she gushed dreamily. "Thanks to you."
He couldn't stand her fawning features one more second. With the slightest nod; he turned back around, and rushed himself outside.
The cold winter air never tasted so good; never filled his lungs so completely as when he finally made it outside that room, and everything in it. The claustrophobic air – thin and stingy – threatened to suffocate him again the longer he remained. The bodies inside might be sparing, but all the baggage accompanying them assured he had no room to stand comfortably.
He gulped several large, greedy breaths to make up for those he'd lost, but still had the wits to scan his surroundings to ensure there were no witnesses to his plight. The others had gone – back to their huts, most likely – and the conversation he'd initiated back there ensured his presence would not only be undesired, but inappropriate as well.
He was more a coward than he'd ever thought possible, but he simply could not risk being with her right now. He still hadn't told a soul about his discovery, and the implications and ramifications were enough to make him go feral as it was. But every moment in Rin's presence exacerbated the frothing war raging within him, threatening to boil over to unprecedented ends.
The sight of her, the sound, the feel of her cheek in his palm; it was more than enough to incite his rabid instincts, and force them to the surface – demanding satisfaction, though it could never be achieved.
And he was not ready for that yet; none of them were. But he would have to do something soon. He just needed a minute to think.
Her missing memory was unexpected, and threw him for a loop. It added a new layer to things, and before he blew up his own spot; he needed to decide what to do with that information. He had yet to determine if this would be advantageous to manipulate in any way. At any rate, now that she was up; he was going to have to act fast. And the more time he spent in Rin's presence, the more danger he was in of losing his composure.
In fact, he could feel his blood boiling just thinking about it. He was very grateful to the miko for her aid at the moment, because he found when he pondered Rin's conundrum too long; he was in danger of becoming insatiably violent, or else wrought with inconsolable despair. Either way; he had to get out of there.
He had to force his mind to blank; he could not deal with this now. He had to get back to his hut, before he had an episode right out in the street. Before he knew it; his feet were taking him at a very brisk pace back to his room where he could be alone.
With the others gone; Kagome took a moment to revel in their success.
It worked! Rin was awake! It meant that their mission was over, and they could all go home. But at the moment; all she could think was how happy she was to have her young friend back.
"I'm so happy you're safe!" The miko's grin ran ear to ear. "We all missed you so much."
The budding adolescent offered a small smile in return, but said nothing. Kagome wasn't put off by her reticence one bit. She could only imagine how strange this must be for her.
"Lord Sesshoumaru was so worried, but he never gave up looking," Kagome supplied next. "He worked so hard to find you, but he knew he would. We all did."
She could see that Rin wasn't ready to talk, so she decided to cut the pleasantries short. She probably needed some time to adjust. Or maybe she was just eager for her explanation.
She certainly hadn't been expecting to have this talk today, and it wasn't like she had a lesson plan. But she wanted to help Rin, and Sesshoumaru too.
Gathering her thoughts; she adopted a more serious air.
"You must be very confused," she surmised. "You probably have a lot of questions. I'll try to answer them as best I can, okay?"
After a very technical introduction to the reproductive organs of the human female; Kagome had an incredibly intrigued, and curious student on her hands. She should have been irritated with Sesshoumaru for putting her on the spot like that, but she found she didn't mind it. She was happy to help, and Rin had so many earnest questions now that she finally had access to a real human woman. One who wasn't scared off at first sight of her protector.
Besides; she could tell he needed some air. After the post-blowjob revelations just a moment ago; it was clear that the guy had a lot bottled up. At least she had been able to relieve his tension in another way, but it seemed to only free him up to focus on his guilt and insecurities.
He was just overwhelmed. Hopefully after a moment to process, he would be able to calm down and enjoy his success.
Rin was back, awake, and just fine. She didn't love or admire him any less. She didn't blame him at all. All of his fears were unfounded. Hopefully he was realizing that right now, and he could finally cut himself some slack, and move on. He should be proud of himself for doing all that while only human. Well, mostly, anyway. But she wasn't going to push her luck. For the time being; she would be proud enough for the both of them.
Once all of the gory details were out of the way; the conversation took a natural turn to the reason for monthly cycles. And with that mystery solved; the questioning finally progressed to the mechanics of baby-making.
Kagome couldn't help but blush as she gave her first ever birds and bees talk. Shippo was male, and demon to boot. It was not her place to intrude – she assumed Inuyasha would tell him. But after considering it a little longer, she realized the task would more likely fall to Miroku – if it hadn't already.
Again; she felt like she should be mad at the former dog demon, but she was only flattered that he chose her to have such a monumental conversation with his most favorite person. It showed he trusted her. Not that she doubted that.
And Rin was so fun to educate. She was attentive, and surprisingly mature. She asked all the right questions, and didn't venture into any - extremely - uncomfortable territory. That was a relief, seeing as how it was hard for Kagome to speak of such things without dredging up the incredibly recent past.
Talking about sex only brought on images – extremely vivid images - of one person. The only set of reproductive organs she'd personally seen, and felt, and stimulated... aside from her own. She continued to chastise herself for thinking such things - feeling such things - in the presence of the little girl... young woman now, she supposed was more accurate. But her guilt only escalated when she silently acknowledged that not long ago - as she slept - Kagome had her lips wrapped around the man this girl before her admired and adored above all else. A man she viewed just like a father. How would she feel if she knew? The miko was not at all ready to find out.
But now that Rin was privy to sex; there was really only one person that she knew of with such equipment. Kagome didn't know what Jaken was carrying, or if imps even had penises. Any time dwelling on that thought was far too much, in her opinion. And to be honest; Kagome didn't even know if Ah-Un was a male, or two males, or a couple... Komodo dragons could reproduce by asexually; maybe it was something like that.
At any rate; Sesshoumaru was the man Rin would compare all of her suitors to. The measuring stick against whom all the men she ever met would be compared. In that moment; Kagome pitied them.
But where Sesshoumaru would have certainly taken a no-nonsense, completely technical and devastatingly blunt approach to Rin's education; Kagome was a romantic. So Rin got the fairy tale version.
"So, once a man and a woman fall in love; they have sex," Rin summarized cautiously. "And with sex, they make a baby."
"That's right!" Kagome was maybe a little too proud of her successful talk, or perhaps just pleased she would not be forced to over-explain anything to her. "That's how it's done. Now you know the big secret adults wait until you're older to tell."
She could tell by the slightly bemused look on her face that this was all a lot to take in, and hadn't been even remotely touched upon by her guardians until this very moment. But she figured if she made it sound like she was in some mature club, she might feel better about it. Kids always wanted to be treated like they were older. "That means you're a woman now. A young woman still - a very young woman - but definitively not a child."
But now that she knew; she had to ensure she didn't run off to try out her new information for herself. She had a couple of notable schoolmates who thought doing mature things made them mature. When in reality, it only proved the opposite to be true.
Besides, if Rin ran out looking for boys to mate with thanks to their little talk... She didn't know what he'd do, but it wouldn't be pretty. Kagome's excitement turned to seriousness in an instant.
"But just because you can make a baby, it doesn't mean you should," she made sure to stress. "I'm sure Sesshoumaru-sama wants to wait at least ten years before he has to give you away to some charming prince. So don't get too eager, missy."
She poked the girl in the chest with preemptive admonishment, eliciting a giggle.
"I won't," she assured her. "I want to stay with Sesshoumaru-sama for as long as I can. Maybe forever."
"Trust me; I know the feeling." Kagome's dreamy response caught Rin's attention. She'd also registered the blushing the miko had done several times at the mere mention of his name.
In that moment, Rin put several things together in her mind.
She may have been late to the game in learning about human reproduction, for which the blame could be placed at the feet of her male youkai entourage. But she knew about love. She'd never even been told about it, but she just knew.
She remembered her parents. Her parents were in love. Instinct and intuition allowed her to recognize the signs. Some of them were easy to pinpoint. Others... were hard to explain. But it was not difficult to identify. Not for her, anyway.
"Do you love Sesshoumaru-sama?"
The blunt, unexpected question tore the miko right from her most recent steamy flashback. Startled; she looked into Rin's eyes to see them determined, and dead serious.
She wanted the truth. And for the first time regarding this topic; Kagome could give it with confidence.
"Yes." Her answer came breathlessly.
But she didn't sound happy. It sounded like it pained her to admit such a thing. Rin couldn't understand, because she thought love was supposed to be wonderful and happy. Why was she scared?
"But you don't want to have a baby with him?" the innocent girl ventured, trying to peg her reluctance. "You don't want to have sex?"
"That isn't it," she assured her. 'That definitely isn't it.'
But she wasn't about to get into the case of Kagome H. vs The Western Lands/all relevant youkai. This was supposed to be a basic talk to educate and hopefully promote love. Her situation was not going to encourage romance.
"Does Sesshoumaru-sama love you back?"
Such an innocent question should not cut so deeply. She'd never allowed herself to entertain that thought, and instead had always been able to focus on other, more complicated aspects of their relationship.
As Rin waited for an answer, Kagome's insecurities ate her from within.
"He hasn't said it."
She felt a little silly expressing her very mature and most crippling relationship doubts to a little girl who only just learned about sex, but maybe that was why she felt so comfortable. Rin didn't have the wisdom or experience to call her foolish, but she also didn't have the filter to feed her platitudes.
"Of course he has." But of anything she could have said, that definitely wasn't what she was expecting. Certainly not so confidently. "Sesshoumaru-sama does not say things with words, but he says them. He is very clear about how he feels through his actions."
But to be fair, and the end of the day; who knew Sesshoumaru better than Rin? Even through a child's lens; her insight might actually be the most valuable, and accurate. Seeing her suspicion; Rin asked, "Do you think he loves me?"
Kagome softened, and answered honestly.
"Of course he does."
Rin smiled, but still offered a shrug.
"Well, he never told me. How do you know?"
Kagome understood her challenge, but still searched for the most honest answer she could find.
"Well," she began, cutting her eyes up and away. "humans tell each other."
She wasn't exactly sure how much Rin really knew about what was normal behavior for humans. She herself was probably the only human she'd had prolonged contact with since her family died a few years ago, and once she realized that; she pitied the poor girl.
"Have you told him?" Rin countered, proving the folly in Kagome's logic. The miko fought the urge to flash an annoyed glare towards a child. "Maybe he does not know humans tell each other."
Most demons certainly didn't express themselves that way so blatantly. Almost none, in fact. It was often quite a confounding thing for them to grasp – those who even could.
But with his family history; she very much doubted Sesshoumaru ignorant.
"Or maybe he doesn't love me." That was another, more believable option.
"Maybe he is scared," Rin ventured, but to Kagome; that was far less plausible. She scoffed.
"Sesshoumaru doesn't get scared."
"Sure he does." Her grave assessment was a surprise, though not news to either of them. Deep down, Kagome knew her own statement was false as soon as she said it. "He isn't scared of death or war. But you should have seen the look on his face when they took me. He is terrified of losing the people he really cares about. He is scared of finally being alone."
Nothing Rin said was untrue, or hard for Kagome to believe. But one part of her statement struck her fiercely, and distracted her from the young girl's point. She folded her brow.
"I thought you didn't remember getting taken."
Rin's serious eyes widened. She had not yet learned how to mask her emotions as quickly as her idol, and Kagome had become quite an expert on deciphering such things.
"Rin. Have your memories returned to you?"
She faltered guiltily, and appeared to battle with herself for only a moment. She obviously did not wish to disclose something, but became resigned to the fact that she'd already admitted something.
"Some of them," she conceded, her gaze darting about before returning. "I remember being taken by tigers, but that is all."
She seemed a bit worried, but if Kagome was at all suspicious; it melted away in a second before showing her excitement.
"That's great news!" she declared. "Maybe, we can find a way to-"
"Stop trying to change the subject Kagome-sama." Her smile fell at the scolding she received. it was strange how legitimately reprimanded she felt. "You need to tell Sesshoumaru-sama that you love him. Then, you can make a baby for me to play with."
And then, with that childish outlook; Kagome relaxed a bit. She suddenly remembered that Rin was only a child - by modern standards at least - and though she had unrivaled insight in the subject of Sesshoumaru; she was still just a kid. Kagome felt her control returning.
"You might have to wait a little bit." She tried not to condescend. "I'm not ready quite yet."
Rin's still-earnest gaze didn't change when Kagome fixed her with a new smile.
"Okay, but when you're ready to have sex, you should make a baby with Sesshoumaru-sama."
Grinning wider; she reached over to tickle the girl like she had before. The mood was much lighter now.
"I'll think about it."
This seemed to please Rin enough, but only for a moment. That strange worry seemed to dominate her once again, and her countenance became very anxious.
"Will you please not tell Sesshoumaru-sama that my memories are returning?" At Kagome's look, she explained her request. "It is very confusing, and I do not wish to upset him. I am feeling overwhelmed myself."
She thought Sesshoumaru would be pleased to hear that Rin's memories had returned, and to be honest; she had been looking forward to telling him.
But Rin had been through a lot. If she needed time to process; she supposed she could keep her mouth shut for a little while.
She was already keeping one huge secret from him. What was one more?
Since Rin had awoken; Kagome's plans to clue Sesshoumaru in to her wish quickly disintegrated.
Now he could see that Rin was fine; she could tell him herself. That meant he could stop beating himself up and blaming himself for her kidnapping. By the skin of their teeth; they'd made it out of this thing unscathed. The miko had been saved by the bell.
Now that the mission was successful, and consequences seemed minimal – except the whole humanity curse – there really wasn't any reason for her to drive a wedge between them. But she would be there to support him, and help guide him through any lingering grief he might have.
Maybe he could try his hand at getting her ready for him again tonight...
But when she entered his hut; her hopes of picking up where they left off flew right out the window he was gazing out of.
Rin had been through a lot, but so had he. His mini breakdown earlier told her that he was not in the best headspace for what they had both been anticipating for the majority of this journey. Sure, now that Rin was awake; their mission was technically over. But instead of freeing them up for a lighthearted celebration; it appeared they were only just beginning the healing process. And from the look of him; it might very well take a while.
The wide window on the opposite side of the room was low enough for him to lean over, and that was pretty much what he was doing. With his back to her; clawless hands gripped the ledge, supporting a good portion of his weight, and the way his head hung slightly forward made his tense shoulders look that much more pronounced.
She couldn't tell if he was looking far off into distance – as he was wont to do – or the dirt ground below the sill. Either way; she knew he heard her let herself in, but it didn't seem she would be gifted his acknowledgement – at least not in the form of eye contact.
"Did you have the conversation?" he at least deigned to ask. His voice was cold and distant, in a way she was no longer accustomed to. It would have sounded just like he did before they... before; if not for the subtle, yet glaringly obvious hints of pain that betrayed his ongoing torment.
But she didn't take it personally. He had been through so much, and she was going to be there for him, in whichever capacity he needed her to be. Kagome lifted her chin.
"We did," she confirmed. Taking just one cautious step forward; she stopped herself from rushing over to him. He came here to be alone, and she didn't want to bombard him right away. If he needed space, she would give it to him, but she hoped he would seek her out for physical comfort.
"And?"
He was neither sharp nor impatient, and she found it bothered her. She'd bemoaned in the past his curt, demanding demeanor, and she never thought she would miss it. But the softness in his tone was that of a broken man. It was the first time since losing his powers that Kagome actually thought he sounded powerless.
"She took it pretty well," she informed him optimistically. She hoped some good news would divert him from his misery. "Had a lot of questions, but I think she has a good grip on it. Wish I had a little time to prepare though."
She hoped he'd take the bait and indulge in some playful squabbling, but no dice. She could hear the window sill complaining when stressed beneath his wringing grip.
"Did she say anything... troubling?"
The smooth silk of his baritone almost distracted her from the strangeness of his question. After a moment; she surmised that he might be worried about how much graphic information she had imparted to his ward.
"Troubling? Like what?" When he didn't reply, she assumed she'd hit the mark, and gave the best answer she could. "You know what; I think it should remain between the two of us. Girl talk is sacred."
That was usually a good enough excuse to get the males to drop it, but she already knew that women's blood was not enough to scare him off. Or even turn him off. "I will just say that she understands where babies come from, and I was perfectly accurate, tactful, and cautionary, while not fearmongering. Anything else you want to know; you will have to ask her yourself."
She considered chancing another step forward, but at that moment; she saw his shoulders slacken just a bit, and he finally threw a weary – almost guilty – glance over his shoulder.
She saw that look in his eyes again; that distant, troubled look. But this time, he fixed it right at her. Paralyzing sadness in turbulent violet pools finally sought her, and she nearly forgot to breathe.
There was something she was sure she'd never seen there before. A desperate plea, that begged for more than simply comfort; more than soothing words or even a tempting distraction.
He needed something from her – assistance, answers... action. Anything.
He looked so helpless – a man without recourse, options, or a plan. He was tapped out. He had nothing left; nothing but her. And he needed her to help him, to make it all okay.
But apparently; she was just as useless as he was. She saw the instant he realized that, and he blinked, averting his eyes in defeat.
"I apologize," he offered lowly, and forced himself to meet her gaze again. "And I apologize for putting you in that position. Thank you."
He turned back around to face out the window, but she'd be surprised if he saw any further than the dirt on the ground below. If that, even.
She didn't know what he needed from her. If she did; it would already be his. She didn't know if he wanted anything she had to give, but she would give it nonetheless.
For now; that amounted to a glass half-full of whatever bitter sustenance they'd been given.
"No problem," she told him through a plastered smile. It was the voice she always used when trying to make the best of a bad situation. He likely recognized that tone; she had to use it a lot. "It was actually kind of fun. I've never given anyone the talk before. Guess it's a night for firsts, huh?"
After all; things weren't really that bad. They certainly hadn't seemed that way earlier in this very hut. He was in a funk, but she would guide him through. Chancing another step forward; she tried to remind him.
"Since I'm on a roll," she intoned suggestively, "maybe we could try again..."
She was fairly disappointed when it garnered no reaction, and she deflated. Her chances at another intimate encounter tonight were looking more dire. He obviously needed more time to sort his head out. She felt a little guilty, and yes; slightly rejected.
"Sorry, you're clearly distraught." She shelved her hormones to try and comfort the poor guy. Her sympathy was genuine. "Are you okay?"
She'd been a fine distraction for him for the last day and night, but when Rin woke up, so did all the things his human self had been repressing.
Thoughts, emotions, feelings... were all likely very new to the ex-youkai warlord. He needed a better way to sort out his baggage, for sure.
She would help him, but for now; she decided to help by reminding him of all they had accomplished.
"I know things have been crazy, but you should be thrilled!" Her enthusiastic optimism was slightly less forced this time around. So was her smile. "She is fine, she's awake. And she doesn't blame you at all." Another tentative step closer had her almost halfway across the room. "She doesn't even remember getting captured! It's like this whole thing never-"
"Rin is with child."
Sesshoumaru's simple statement stopped the miko's chipper pep speech cold. Confusion waned, but did not disappear completely in the chilling seconds that followed. Fear-laced heartache trembled her hush voice for reasons her mind had yet to discern.
"What?"
"I scented it when I found her; that tiger's wretched stench fused with hers." Though his back remained turned; she could hear his sneer. And the groan of the sill beneath his hands seemed to celebrate the momentary absence of deadly claws. "She now carries a half-breed."
A mind blank with shock made deduction difficult and comprehension impossible. But Kagome still had questions.
"But how is that-"
"You just finished explaining it," he bit out angrily. She saw his eyelids opening as he turned to level her a harsh glare. Once it landed; he returned forward, softening his tone only slightly. "I know you are not ignorant."
She wasn't. But it couldn't be right. She'd just spoken to the girl at length about making babies, and there had been absolutely nothing to indicate anything like that had happened. Sure; she didn't have the superior senses of a daiyoukai, but she still had instincts. And hers hadn't suggested anything so outrageous. How could her gut have failed her so horribly? It just didn't fit.
"But I mean... are you sure?" There had to be another explanation, and she was desperate to uncover it. "Maybe, traveling so long with them she-"
"There is no mistaking it." Softly and sadly; he did not seem offended by her doubting him. He likely never wished so badly to be wrong. But unfortunately, "I am certain."
Black bangs veiled his lowered eyelids as he hung his head defeatedly. But Kagome barely registered his slackening grip on control as she lost herself inside the revelation, and its implications.
"Oh my god." Blue eyes glazed over with horror as quivering fingers covered her own lips. "But she doesn't remember-"
"Anything," he finished for her, and she wasn't certain whether it was relief dusting his despair. He didn't sound certain himself. "She remembers nothing. It is the one silver lining in this. Though it brings This One little comfort." He sounded as if he was both trying to convince himself to find a measure of solace, and forbid himself from doing so. "She still..."
But he couldn't say it. He didn't need to.
Her shock rendered her mind incapable of any further justifications, but her gut took over, churning involuntarily as it processed this for her.
"Oh kami. Rin..."
"You are not to inform her." His cold, hard tone was reminiscent of the demon lord she'd met inside his father's tomb. Except his obvious suffering made feigning indifference impossible.
"She's going to figure it out eventually." She tried not to sound snappy, but her frustration set her famous temper on edge. It was likely his understanding of that that kept him from lashing back.
Instead; he used that cold, commanding baritone to issue his order.
"You are not to inform anyone."
She noticed that the more powerless he felt, the more easily he slipped into his ice lord persona. She wondered if it made him feel a measure of control, or if it simply helped him get distance from any undesired feelings that may arise.
Either way, this was not a time to test him. There were more important matters at hand.
"Sesshoumaru..." she gasped helplessly, begging him for reassurance now. Reassurance that Rin would be okay. That he would. She was supposed to be helping him, but she was at a loss. In way over her head; all she could offer him was her sympathy, and her continued presence. It felt terribly insufficient. "What are we going to do?"
He spun to face her, and the unexpected movement caused her heart to jump. The look on his face was threatening. Terrifying.
Even more so than the night he had transformed; he looked rattlingly like his demon self in that moment. With a deep scowl twisting his handsome features into something hard and spiteful; violet eyes narrowed into a fearsome glare, fixing down at her so icily that nearly had her retreating a step.
Warning bells went off when he took his first menacing step toward her, and were it not for fear rendering her completely immobile; she would have certainly fled. Everything about him screamed danger as his aura densely flared around him; encompassing them both in a way that was meant to warn of the threat he posed, and highly advise retreat.
No human had ever activated her miko defenses, as they could only help her fend off demons, but it was probably acknowledgement of his youkai potential that activated anyhow. Though, it was useless.
But even though her lungs had ceased drawing breath, something subconsciously kept the miko in place. Something that knew he would never hurt her. Something that knew leaving now would hurt him.
So she stayed put as he strode over to her, only able to tilt her head back when he stopped close enough to touch. Though she didn't flee; her fear and uncertainty glared blindingly in her countenance, but there was nothing she could do about that.
He loomed over her; glaring down into frightened blue eyes as if trying to chase away the undesired reaction with the weight of his displeasure, but all she could do was wait. She didn't know what was about to happen, but whatever fate had in store for her; it appeared to be at this former demon's behest.
She didn't expect him to drop to his knees, as verified by the startled sharp, yet overdue intake of breath that followed. For a moment; muscle memory braced in anticipation of his hands to travel up her short skirt and rip her panties down to her knees. It was what happened the last time he fell before her like this, and she fully expected to feel the cold air of winter pricking at her hairless sex, followed in stark contrast by the blazing heat of his mouth as his tongue compensated apologetically and generously for the disruption.
Though not entirely appropriate in this moment; it would have been the distraction they both desperately needed, and she was becoming accustomed to his preferred method of ignoring the hard, sharp bite of reality's vicious fangs.
But the sensation never came. Her crotch remained clothed; he hadn't even endeavored to breach the short hem of her skirt at all. The only coolness she felt was against the thin material covering her stomach, and her panic only intensified when she finally registered why.
Blunt fingernails curled into her sides as he buried his face in her cotton shirt. He pressed himself further into the softness of her belly, trembling slightly as she felt the material growing wet between them.
Stunned still; all she could do was watch in horror at the unsettling display playing out before her eyes.
"It's all my fault!" he wailed, muffling the words as she felt his lips moving against her covered skin. "I could not protect her. It isn't fair."
She longed for pain as everything within her turned numb. She felt like she was floating outside her body, and looking down at the surreal, impossible sight.
The once-proud, once-demon lord had finally broken. After one hell of a fight; he'd finally reached his limit, and all he had was her to salvage whatever was left of him to save.
Only a few deep-toned sobs had managed to escape his cramping chest, and they were dampened by her clothing, and absorbed into her body. He released her hips to slide long arms around her waist, locking her tightly against him in an inescapable hold. She felt his nose digging into her uncomfortably, using what remained of his strength to hide himself inside this human woman.
If she hadn't chosen to follow him down to her knees just then, their jellified state would have ensured she did anyhow. He loosened his hold to allow her to slip gracelessly down to his level, and his hands found her hips again as he leaned away to make room.
Even though he was slouching; she had to sit tall on her knees to find his eye level. Though when she did; he refused to acknowledge her. Blurry eyes remained downcast through messy, disheveled bangs, but she didn't need to look in them to see the anguish marring normally stoic features.
She did, however, need him to look at her; to assure him of her presence, and pull him out of the painful abyss threatening to consume him.
Limp arms fell away from her as she reached for his face with both hands. Grabbing his cheeks, she forced him to do so. For his part; he held her gaze then, but she swooped his hair out of his face to ensure as few barriers between them as possible.
Violet eyes bled red, but she knew his beast was not to blame. Another beast was at fault here.
She ignored the haunting look of his tear-stained face, painful grimace and forlorn countenance, and forced herself to stay strong. Determination somehow prevailed; making it possible to glare deeply, and unflinchingly into those broken eyes.
"It's not your fault that you are human." Her tone nor her gaze allowed an inch for argument or doubt, and she held him meaningfully, unblinkingly until she was certain he understood.
It stifled none of his despair, but he found his own determination in that moment as well.
Lifting his hands to hold her face in an identical fashion; he pulled himself within inches of her unfailing features.
"It is not your fault that you are human, either," he assured her, though it was clear the realization was his own.
And then, he kissed her fiercely.
He trembled with passion and an overload of emotion as he poured everything he was feeling past his lips, and past hers. Sliding them across her tongue as he held her tighter; allowing no retreat as he angled her to receive what he desperately needed to give.
She dropped her arms in surrender as she let him take control of the encounter. He obviously needed this, and it was impossible to deny him anything.
Firm lips dragged feverishly - impatiently - across hers, and she remained compliant; even leaning in as he lowered his hands to begin fumbling clumsily at the buttons on her blouse.
She had no problem being his distraction again, she even ached for it. But as she felt her own tears begin to fall; she realized that it wouldn't be enough. Not this time.
Whatever pleasure he could derive from her willing body would be incomplete, and short-lived. He needed more. He deserved more, and it was finally time to give it to him. She'd waited long enough.
He'd only managed to expose her bra when she encircled her hands around his wrists, but he didn't halt his progress until she pulled reluctant lips away from his.
"It's all my fault."
Eyes that softened at her statement gentled even further when he noticed her tears. She looked to be in as much pain as he was, and he cursed himself for doing that to her. Another woman suffering for his failures was too much to bear.
"No," he insisted with intense, demanding eyes, and confidently shook his head. "It was wrong of me to condemn you for something contingent on luck of birth." His misunderstanding begat his guilt-ridden apology, though original acknowledgement and guilt likely made the leap an easy one. He was projecting now, and it killed her that even though this long-awaited epiphany was a correct one, it was not the correct one, in this case. "It was wrong to condemn any of you. You cannot help being born-."
"I wasn't talking about my humanity. I was talking about yours." Her heart broke as she took in his curious features, so with a deep breath; she summoned all of her courage, and forced her lips to keep moving before she lost the nerve. "It is my fault that you are human."
She felt her eyes become full before the excess streamed down her cheeks, and his dubious expression made her whole body ache. She burned it into her memory, as it was the last time he would ever look at her without knowing the awful truth.
"I made a wish on the jewel." Confusion was the first reaction he gave at the unanticipated statement, but it would not be the last. She could tell the moment the confession registered, and sped up to explain while she still had the chance. "I didn't mean to. It was an accident."
But by the time her excuses left her; eyes wide with shock retreated from her grasp, and he was up in a move so urgent and quick; she wondered if his youki had returned at the news.
But it hadn't, and she couldn't say she wasn't relieved. That had always been a fear – warranting Sesshoumaru to break his promise.
But his eyes, thought red-rimmed and bloodshot were not the product of his beast bleeding through. Violet remained, and something much, much worse. Something she'd never seen before.
Even at his lowest, when hope was lost and he broke down in front of her; she had never seen that pain and hurt that betrayed her betrayal. The tears streaming down his stripeless cheeks made him look completely unhinged, and terrifying. Because he wasn't crying. He wasn't making a sound. Tears just kept falling, as if he'd sprung some sort of leak.
And then, just like that; they were gone. Turned off, at least; their evidence still remained. He tore his eyes away from, looking as if he was trying to think what in god's name he was going to do from there.
She felt the tears flowing freely down her own cheeks, though she also made not a sound. All she could do was stare helplessly up into his enraged bewilderment from her place on her knees. He lifted his hand to his mouth, and she couldn't tell if he had to physically restrain himself from something in that moment.
He wiped away his reaction quite literally, and panicked, incredulous eyes darted about briefly before finally settling on her once again.
A cold, resentful gaze the likes of which she had never known cut her heart out where she sat. Even before; when he was himself - back when he hated her, before he even knew her - he had never looked at her like that. Such disdain was not even reserved for his brother in the peak of their rivalry. She'd managed to channel his pure, untampered hatred even more expertly than the hanyou.
She'd hoped he was beyond the capability for such things, but from that one look; he had it in him more than ever.
And then finally; it was gone. The pain, the hurt, the palpable rage. All of it was replaced by that famous cold glare he leveled at those he considered beneath him. Those he did not know. Almost everyone.
She saw the dismissal; she recognized it immediately. That look, she'd seen before. Back when she meant nothing to him. And then he removed even that, and it was her turn to panic.
"No," she begged him, her anguish on full display. "Sesshoumaru please!"
She was never going to reach him, but she reached out anyway. He'd turned on his heel and strode purposefully for the door, and was out without another word, or backward glance.
She didn't bother getting up; she knew it was pointless. Her tears continued as he quickly made his exit, and the sobs finally tore through her as she closed her eyes in defeat.
"I'm sorry!" she yelled out, but he was no longer there. She was alone on the floor of his hut, and he would not be returning.
She'd fantasized about unburdening herself of this terrible secret. But now that he knew; it felt like her troubles had only just begun.
As soon as she'd managed to put herself together – as it were – Kagome assembled the others to make her confession complete. It was bad enough she'd been hiding this from them this long. If they found out from Sesshoumaru instead of her, her betrayal would be complete.
She had no idea where he was - when or if he was coming back - but she wanted to make sure they knew why he was gone, so at the very least; they could make their plans accordingly.
This was terrible. Now that Rin was awake; they were finally free to go home. But they couldn't leave without him, could they? Did he even want to go with them anymore?
After the initial shock of her confession wore off; a morose gravity settled in that made Kagome very uneasy. She'd never felt the weight of so much disappointment, so much valid irritation. She didn't know how to withstand it.
"It was you?" Inuyasha finally demanded, if only because the others were likely waiting for his reaction. "The whole time? Why didn't you say anything?"
The miko sat on the floor hugging her knees defensively - a very submissive position considering everyone else was standing. Except for Inuyasha, who was doing something more like pacing.
"You should have told us, Kagome." The disappointment in Sango's voice wasn't tempered at all by her gentle tone, and the miko felt her eyes well up again - though she tried her best to keep herself under control. She brought this on herself; she deserved their admonishment.
"This is bad," Inuyasha said, his mind was clearly racing. "You really screwed up this time."
She wouldn't argue. Apparently, neither would anyone else.
"I thought you were waiting to think of a pure wish."
She looked up to her alpha to find his eyes focused somewhere outside the window.
"I was," she assured him. "I couldn't think of one."
The wish had to be selfless, and it had to be chosen carefully. The reasons why were never so clear. But as long as she was misspending wishes; she really wished she would have wished for riches, or skills, or higher intelligence would have been good.
But she didn't, because she knew no matter what; it would come at a cost. Even though usually not so blatant; any abrupt change would have its consequences, no matter how good-natured the request. It was because until you experience it; you do not know what the price of attaining such things might be. But there was no free lunch in this world, and you will never cheat the universe out of its due.
"So you wished for that?" the hanyou asked incredulously, as if she was an idiot.
Despite natural instinct to defend herself otherwise; she forced herself to refrain.
"It was an accident," she said instead, though not for the first time.
And despite his natural instinct to belabor the point and pitch a fit; Inuyasha forced himself to rein in his temper. She knew she made a mistake, and beating her down for it would do none of them any good. Besides; he didn't exactly want to make his best friend feel terrible, no matter how badly she'd behaved. Right now; they needed to make a plan.
"What are we gonna do?"
The answer seemed obvious to Kagome. "We have to find a way to fix it."
"You can't fix it," he snapped back, making her wince. "The only way to undo the jewel's wish is to use the jewel. Everyone knows that."
Everyone but her, apparently.
No one had ever said that a wish upon the jewel could never be broken, but apparently; that was common knowledge around here. As its keeper; she really should have been made aware of that little tidbit.
Had she known; it may have inspired her to confess her sins in the beginning. For no other reason than to try and figure out why her previous attempt to unwish him had failed.
"I told you I tried; it didn't work," she reminded him irritably. Inuyasha scowled.
"Then there is something wrong with the wish."
"Everything is wrong with it."
Again, no arguments as another silence fell over the troubled group. Each inside their own head as they tried desperately to hit on anything that might help them.
"Damn it," Inuyasha finally bemoaned. His lack of solutions only served to stoke his frustrations. "We coulda been looking for a dark miko; we could have been looking for answers."
"When?" Kagome demanded, finally losing her battle with humility. "We've been looking for Rin this whole time."
'Would haves' and 'coulda's' might feel cathartic, but were not going to help them here. Neither was self-pity, Kagome realized, but regardless...
"This whole thing is my fault." It hurt when none of her friends attempted to argue, or even placate her, but she knew they were right not to. In addition to deceiving them; she was the whole catalyst for this dangerous and very unpleasant mission. And now when they could finally go home; she had delayed them yet again. They should be furious with her. "Sesshoumaru and Rin... you guys having to drop everything and come along..." She looked to each of them regretfully, before lowering her gaze. "I never wanted any of this to happen."
The others seemed to soften at her palpable self-loathing, and the realization managed to bring them down even further.
"We know that." When Miroku finally spoke, she felt a modicum of relief. His until-now silence had her fearing he might withhold his forgiveness. He was obviously upset, but at least he didn't hate her. Large, shining eyes looked apologetically and hopefully into his. "But you should have been honest with us. We would have understood."
She averted her gaze in shame as she accepted the monk's admonishment. Inuyasha broke the ensuing silence once more.
"This is terrible," he griped unhelpfully, before looking out the window again. "And now Sesshoumaru is gone."
In the past; he never would have cared a whit about his brother's misfortune. He likely would have relished it.
But that worry on his face was genuine, and not only on his behalf. Now; Sesshoumaru's pain was his own – even though he hadn't a clue to the depth of it. The half-brothers had found their way to something more closely resembling an amicable relationship than ever before, and now, because of her; it might be in jeopardy, if not dissolved all together.
Inuyasha had never had a family, until he found his own. For a pack-minded demon, it was a painful and difficult lifestyle to grapple with. Now, he was building to something unlike he had ever experienced before. He had tasted that acceptance, that call of familiar blood. It had been dangled in front of him and ripped away, so she could understand his resentment.
She just hoped, even if Sesshoumaru couldn't forgive her, that he wouldn't hold this against Inuyasha. None of this was his fault.
But she really hoped he could find his way to forgiving her too. She also had something dangled in front of her, and the prospect of losing it was too much to accept all at once. Especially because it was her own actions that had caused it.
"What if he doesn't come back?" she wondered aloud, softly voicing her deepest fear.
"He'll be back," Inuyasha assured her, and his confidence was comforting. "He'll be pissed, but he'll be back."
With that fear assuaged, she moved on to the next. "Will he ever forgive me?"
His brother's frown this time around was far less reassuring, and she felt her optimism plummet.
"I don't know," he answered honestly. "If you hadn't noticed; he can be pretty spiteful."
She had noticed, unfortunately. But there was one important difference, and she clung to it like a life preserver.
"That was the old him. The new him-"
"Treated you special," Inuyasha finished for her. It would have made her beam, or blush, were it not spoken in the past tense. "You might find that has changed."
Of course she'd considered it, but hearing it acknowledged aloud by someone else just seemed to validate her fears to the extent of nearly rendering them facts. Just the thought of being pushed back to arm's length, and treated as an unwelcome guest was enough to send her down another tier in her own personal hell.
"You lied to him, Kagome. You played him for a fool. He don't tolerate disrespect from most people, but he let you get away with more than even me. This, though..." His heavy sigh spoke of his exasperation, and he shook his head. "You messed with his trust. And ours."
What he threw on at the end had her now completely dejected. This was worse than she was anticipating.
"You don't trust me anymore?" she asked worriedly. Inuyasha instantly softened.
"Of course I do." When offered with a small smile; she felt the weight of the world lift for a brief, merciful moment. "But I ain't human," he quickly reminded her. "My kid wasn't taken. He doesn't trust anyone, and he really trusted you. This is gonna be hard for him to swallow."
The extent of her damage was finally realized, and it left her feeling helpless, and hollow. If she knew it was going to be like this, she hated to admit she probably wouldn't have said anything. So she was glad she didn't know, if only for Sesshoumaru's sake.
"Just warning ya," the hanyou tried to justify, after seeing her become distraught. He followed up with some advice. "If you've ever groveled, you might want to try it, but I don't even know if that's gonna work."
Only time would tell, and for now; all she could do was wait. If he wanted to torture her; staying away and letting her squirm would be a fine way to do it.
"Shit, Kagome." Apparently; the hanyou was finally all out of grievances, but not curses. "I can't believe it. I never woulda guessed it was you."
Her friends all obviously felt duped, and betrayed by her role in this whole fiasco. She couldn't even begin to imagine what Sesshoumaru must be feeling.
She'd never given any of them a reason to doubt her before. For a first try; she'd sure gone all out.
"I'm sorry," she whispered again, for what felt like the millionth time. She wondered how many more it would take to get their forgiveness.
Everyone needed time to reflect after the huge admission, and Kagome couldn't say she wasn't relieved. She was eager to pay her penance, and hopefully get it all out of the way as soon as possible, but it was a lot more difficult than she had expected. She supposed that was how she knew she was doing it right.
The only member of the party not included was also the newest, and the youngest. So once her friends left her alone; Kagome sought out Rin to spend some time with the newly awakened girl.
Sesshoumaru's revelation came crashing back the second she laid eyes on her. She had been so caught up in her own drama, that she'd forgotten about Rin's. Luckily, that was what Sesshoumaru had wanted. Nobody was supposed to know the disturbing secret, not even the girl it affected. As through as she was with withholding information, considering who requested it; all she could do was comply.
Her lips were sealed; so she tried to push the troubling thoughts, burning questions, and crippling pity, and act like nothing was wrong. If she wasn't careful; she was going to get good at this.
"Where is Sesshoumaru-sama?" Rin asked after Daichi left to let the two women visit. "Is he feeling alright?"
There was no hiding this, however. One lie per person was more than enough.
"No," she answered gravely. "He isn't. And it's all my fault."
"Did you tell him?" she asked nervously, yet with an impressive threat in her young tone.
She was confused at first, until she realized Rin was talking about her memories. Honestly, with all that was going on; she'd completely forgotten about that.
It brought on a whole new set of concerns, however. If she started to remember even more... well, it would probably cause more harm than good. Hopefully, whatever spell she was under just kept them dormant for good.
But just because she hadn't told Sesshoumaru yet, it didn't mean she wouldn't. If he did deign to forgive her, keeping his ward's secrets was sure to reverse his decision swiftly. But for now, she didn't need to tell her that.
"No," she assured her, and Rin released a heavy sigh. "I told him something much worse."
She looked at Kagome curiously from her seat on her bed, and waited for the miko to elaborate.
"I had been keeping a secret from Sesshoumaru-sama. A terrible secret, and I finally came clean." Her intense gaze became somber, and she averted it to avoid further judgement. "Now, I don't know if he will ever forgive me. He is very mad."
"What did you tell him?" the girl demanded. Kagome faltered at the question.
She intended to tell her, but suddenly remembered what Sesshoumaru was to this kid. She idolized the man. She loved him like a father, or at least a very protective older brother. How would she feel if she knew what she'd done to her beloved lord? If she knew he hated her now?
But even worse was suddenly recalling what exactly her wish had cost Rin personally. If those memories returned, would she hate her too?
"Oh, Rin," she lamented regretfully, more ashamed of her mistake than ever. "I'm so sorry. I just realized I need to apologize to you too. I understand if you get angry, but I hope that one day, you will-"
"What is it?" she demanded again, more serious than she had ever remembered the child being.
No use belaboring it.
"He is human because of me," she bluntly informed her. "I made an accidental wish on the Shikon. That's what turned him human."
She was relieved when her confession was met with confusion instead of disdain, but that was how it started with Sesshoumaru too.
"You?"
"Yes. And now he hates me." Rin removed her gaze to digest the news, while the miko continued her plea. "I am so sorry. Please believe that I didn't mean for any of this to happen."
There still appeared to be no hate in the little girl's features. Perhaps it was because it did not exist in her heart either.
But fear was another story, and that was almost as troubling.
"Did he say that he hates you?"
Kagome shook her head, but remembered their last conversation about love.
"He didn't have to."
When she looked to Rin again; the girl appeared to be warring with herself. Finally, she voiced her fear.
"Do you think if Sesshoumaru-sama found out I lied to him, that he would hate me too?"
With a sad smile, Kagome instantly shook her head.
"I don't think he could ever hate you, Rin. No."
"I didn't think he could ever hate you!" she responded immediately, almost frantically. "I saw how he looked at you earlier. He's never trusted anyone so much."
Where the observation would have made her heart skip before, now; it only brought pain. Would she ever know that trust from him again?
"That is why he is so mad," she informed her lowly. "He trusted me, and I betrayed that trust."
Rin watched Kagome a moment, debating with herself all the while. Finally, she came to a decision.
"I have to tell you something."
Kagome knew that tone, and felt panic begin to course through her being. "Oh, no."
"A secret, I didn't want him to-"
Kagome stood, and prepared herself to leave. "Oh, no no! Please, don't-"
"I remember everything that happened." She stopped, not even having made it halfway to the door, and turned back around slowly. When blue met brown, she repeated, "Everything."
While her heart broke at the implications, Kagome marveled at the resolute strength the girl seemed to project. With all she'd been through; she supposed it wasn't a surprise. Of course she would be tough, and resilient.
"I didn't want to tell him, because if he knew..."
And in that moment, Kagome understood. She'd never lost her memories. But she'd believed her, because she wanted it to be true.
That was probably why the normally astute former demon believed her too, thought she supposed he'd have no reason not to. She doubted Rin had ever lied to him before.
She was trying to protect him, but after he hearing that; he was only going to feel worse.
She hated that she felt she had to do this. Maybe she could convince Rin to come clean, so she wouldn't have to be the bad guy. Again.
"He would never blame you," she tried to assure her, leaning in and placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. "It was not your fault! None of this was your fault. It was mine."
Looking back into her eyes, Rin considered her assessment, assessing her as she did so.
"Maybe," she offered, and the cold honesty in her voice hurt more than she was expecting. "But
Sesshoumaru-sama will think it was his. That is why you can never tell him."
But Kagome was remaining firm on this. Rin's eyes turned to panic as the miko shook her head.
"I can't do that." At the angry look she received, she became defensive. "I just told him I've been lying to him for weeks! If I do it again; he will never forgive me. I will lose his trust forever."
Rin recognized the miko's plight, and sympathized with it, but she was also staying firm.
"Kagome-sama..." she warned sternly. Looking into the woman's eyes; she saw the regret, the fear, and pulled no punches. "Do not tell him. You have hurt him enough. You've hurt me enough."
Flustered, Kagome resumed her retreat.
"I'm sorry, I have to go." She rushed to the door, but before leaving, she turned around, making sure to catch her eyes. "I'm so sorry."
After she was gone; Rin only hoped she'd weighed her conscious down enough to comply.
Kagome used her newfound alone time as a chance to explore the village's perimeter. The town was picturesque; spacious and quiet. Sparsely populated. In fact, other than the elder; she hadn't seen evidence of any other residents during her stay here.
She thought it strange at first, but the longer she considered it, the more she began to suspect it was the reason Toran had taken them here.
She said it was a demon village, but there were no demons for miles. They must know they were there, however.
She didn't know what kind of arrangement her father had made in these lands, but if Toran was willing to leave Sesshoumaru here; it had to be under sufficient protection. At first, Kagome suspected it was perhaps the Northern Lord's personal vacation spot – his own out of the way paradise to use when he needed to escape it all.
But the amenities appeared tailored to suit a human's needs, and the devastating isolation made Kagome feel more like she was in a leper colony than anything.
'Or perhaps,' she thought optimistically, 'a wildlife refuge.' But even though she was a protected species; she got the feeling that if demons were allowed to come and commingle, they still would not.
The sun would be setting soon, but she was still hesitant to return. She acknowledged that this little nature hike was more of a chance to shamefully hide from the people she'd wronged than to delve too deeply into self-reflection. She was painfully aware of her mistakes already, and being alone with her thoughts currently served no purpose aside from testing the limits of her capacity for self-loathing.
What she should be doing is trying to think of a way to fix this. To fix him. To fix them. But the ball was now in his court. And she knew it was a bit early to be expecting any forgiveness; she just hoped – after he'd cooled off a bit – he could eventually find it in him. And she needed to mourn that fact a little longer before she could focus on reversing his curse.
An overpowering stench hit her senses as soon as she stepped out of the tree line. She knew the lake was up ahead, and she'd decided to watch the sunset from one of the many wooden benches that had been built for that purpose.
At first; she worried that something was on fire, but that burning smell was distinct and familiar. Realization dawned just as she glimpsed Sesshoumaru's unmistakable profile sitting at one of the benches looking out over the vast lake, and her eyes widened incredulously.
She pushed aside her concerns – and the sadness they inspired – but fear continued to reign with each trepidatious step forward. She was unsure if approaching him now was the right thing to do, but she had to at least try to make things right. Or at the very least; give him the chance to say anything he needed to say to her.
Her earlier suspicions were confirmed when she got within meters of him, and saw him lift the pipe he'd stolen up to his firm lips. She was unaware he still had the opium he'd taken, and worried how much of it remained in his possession. Though lured into its clutches as a cure for physical discomfort, many fell prey to the drug's seduction as an answer to emotional pains.
Except it wasn't an answer, just a respite. A band aid at best. And eventually, an even bigger problem as the affects wore off, reminding you that they pain you were treating had never actually left you. Making its return even more excruciating in comparison to that preferable nothing you'd mercifully been granted. Making it impossible to deny yourself that sweet relief that you know remains just around the corner.
But now was not the time for that lecture. The smoke left his lungs as she closed the distance between them. He didn't look her way, but she knew he'd detected her. She hoped his lack of reaction was a good sign, but she couldn't be sure.
His gaze remained forward as she stopped beside the bench.
"I know you don't want to see me right now."
And quite literally, apparently. He still refused to look at her. But she was relieved to hear his voice. He sounded calm, though that wasn't really a surprise.
"Sit, miko."
She tried to find solace in his invitation, rather than focus on the cold indifference insinuated by the return of her title. That was to be expected.
She did as he ordered; sitting beside him at a respectful distance despite her desire to reaffirm their closeness with touch. When he didn't say anything, but rather placed the pipe in his mouth once again; she took the opportunity to try and explain herself.
"It was just a mistake," she insisted, her tone leaden with regret. "You had beaten up Inuyasha pretty bad. I wished that you knew how it felt to be human. I wasn't thinking."
She'd still garnered no reaction, and she worried if the opium was making it harder for her to get through. Regardless, she did not give up. "I didn't even know I made a wish until I found you. I tried to wish you back." She studied him sadly as he continued to ignore her. "but nothing worked."
A large cloud of smoke flew past his lips, saturating the air around them with its rich scent. Her eyes were trained on his, and their glassy, distant quality was on par with their disconcerting appearance over the past 24 hours. She didn't know if that revelation made her feel better or worse.
"What's done is done," he said casually, but his dismissive attitude came off as more defeatist than accepting, considering who he was. Accepting this as his fate could only be seen as admitting defeat.
But Kagome wasn't willing to let that happen. She'd gotten him into this; she wasn't going to rest until she got him out of it. That was now her life's purpose. That would be her penance.
"We will find a way to undo it," she frowned determinedly. "Maybe there is a witch. Or another miko who-"
"No." His soft voice put an end to her brainstorming. "The jewel's wish cannot be undone. It is final."
That was what Inuyasha had told her. That Sesshoumaru knew it too was not at all encouraging. And even more humiliating, considering she was the keeper and she didn't know it.
She assumed he was thinking the same thing, but for whatever reason; he didn't seem inclined to relay that to her. But she wasn't ready to give up yet. Not even close.
"Maybe there is a loophole." When he finally turned to look down on her; her heart skipped a beat. The return of his weighty attention was encouraging, so she got excited. "I wished you knew what it was like to be human. Maybe once you learn, you will go back."
She admittedly hadn't been spending as much time as she should have trying to fix him over the past month, but that was the one scenario that was never far from her thoughts. He couldn't deny that he'd become more aware of human motivations in a way that only personal experience would have granted him. As he became intimately familiar with their thoughts and feelings, he managed to change back into himself – if only for the night. She predicted that it was his burgeoning understanding of her race that allowed for such a thing. At least, she hoped that was it.
It might also explain why the jewel didn't work now. It couldn't reset until it's last wish was completed. Maybe it was still dormant because it was still in the middle of the wish. He'd come a long way, but Sesshoumaru didn't know everything about them yet. Or, not enough, at least. Maybe once he did; he could change back, and the jewel could be used again. Then she could wish the stupid thing out of existence so it never caused her any problems again.
'Damn it! That's it! That's what I was supposed to wish for!'
A little late now, but if she ever changed him back; she wouldn't blow it next time. She shook off that thought for later.
"I think you turned demon that night because you were starting to understand how we feel. We just need to find out what else you need to learn."
He didn't seem overly impressed with her deduction, but he did take on a thoughtful countenance. If that was really it; they would need to determine which facets of humanity were still a mystery to him, and get him educated.
He seemed to grasp her meaning, and shifted his glassy stare somewhere across the lake. "What does it mean to be human?"
Amused, Kagome produced a small smirk. "Very philosophical."
But the way his eyes cut coldly back to her wiped it from her face in an instant.
'Okay, definitely not ready to joke around yet. That was my fault.'
"We will find a way," she assured him, becoming serious once again. "I will never stop trying."
The long moment that followed in which he seemed to be assessing her managed to get her hopes up. But she learned that was a mistake when he lowered his lids condescendingly; offing a mocking 'hn,' before removing his gaze and dismissing her all together.
"Unlike you," he drawled haughtily, "I do not delude myself with ideals, just because I wish they were so."
Her impulse was to retort, but – luckily – he never gave her the chance.
"You believed Rin would return unharmed," he harshly reminded her. "You believed I could become demon again." His eyes narrowed as he looked out on the lake, pointedly avoiding her for at least one of their benefits.
"And you believed that you and I had a future, even though I had told you several times we do not." When he turned to face her; his perfectly passive visage betrayed no regret at her pained reaction to his words - only mild annoyance, but that went with the territory. He tilted his head consideringly.
"Did you believe I would marry you, now that I know I shall be human forever?" Even if she had an answer for that, she wouldn't have been able to manage it. He didn't seem inclined to wait, turning back and dismissing her once again. "Another foolish daydream from your empty head."
It felt like it had been so long since he'd spoken to her that way, but then she realized it really hadn't. They'd only been travelling together for about a month, and they were at least a week in before he even started letting hints of regard slip through the cracks of his icy demeanor.
They'd come such a long way in such a short amount of time. And now, they were back to square one. Maybe even worse than that. Before this mission; he wouldn't have cared if she lived or died. Now, he might have a dog in that fight. She'd screwed him, and not in the way he was hoping for. She had to wonder if his promise to her was the only thing keeping her breathing at the moment.
"Perhaps," he said after a quiet pause, "there was a brief moment in time where it may have been the case." The intensity of his gaze tore her from her lament, but her turmoil only compounded when she realized what he was telling her. His thoughtful tone was laced with regret, but he corrected that quickly with the sharp edge of his tongue, and sneered. "but your outrageous lies and offensive disrespect has banished that notion clear from my own foolish mindset."
She knew he wasn't lying, because he never did. And just like that, words she'd so desperately wanted to hear hit her with more force than any blow. And she'd given him the means to weaponize them.
He seemed even more resentful of that fact than she was.
He reined in that resentment, that anger, that regret, and all that remained was defeat. He didn't even have the energy to be exasperated. He was exhausted. Tired of this mission, tired of being human. But it was his disappointment in her that finally saw him depleted.
That he was done was clear, and as hard as his accusing glare was to endure, it was a hundred times worse when he removed it all together.
"I am through trying to fix whatever it is that is broken inside you, defective miko." He deigned a frown as he searched for the other side of the lake. "You may go on believing all of those ridiculous things, but I shall not indulge you any longer."
She had been accustomed to his cruelty at one point. But now, his harsh assessment of her caused her very soul to ache. His opinion meant nothing to her before. Now, it was everything. It was devastating.
"Sesshoumaru-"
"One moon cycle," he bit out, obviously not at all interested in her apologies. "You kept this from me for one entire moon cycle. I have grown quite accustomed to your lies, Kagome." The way he abused her name had her yearning to be called by her title instead. "As time went by; I thought I had finally broken you of that practice. But every single day for one month; you looked me in the face, and pretended you did not know what had cursed me." When he turned to her again; she registered the anger he kept under tight rein. The tears building in her eyes did nothing to soften him.
"I would like to know why." It was in no way a request. He lifted his chin slightly. "and I deserve the truth from you, so please," he stressed condescendingly, "break form and be honest with me, for once."
Despite his best efforts; the pain of her betrayal managed to glimmer through his facade for a brief second. "Why?"
She felt ashamed when she had to avert her eyes. A lone tear managed to escape, but she tried to keep her composure long enough to give him an answer.
"Because I'm a coward," she whispered, wiping her cheek with her hand.
Sesshoumaru shook his head with a scowl.
"Insufficient. You will elaborate."
She managed to meet his glare, and marveled at how - now that he was human - he was more terrifying than he had ever been. The threat he posed her now was so much worse.
"At first; I was afraid you would kill me if you knew."
"Despite my word that I would not?" he quickly demanded.
"...yes."
Satisfied, he nodded once. "Go on."
"Then," she meekly obliged, "we started getting along a little bit, and I was afraid of ruining our progress."
He had nothing to interject, so with a shaky voice; she continued her recount.
"Then, I started falling for you." It hurt when he didn't react, but she forced her tone to steady. "We were becoming more intimate. I just didn't want you to hate me."
Again, his lack of response was painful. All she wanted was for him to tell her he didn't hate her. That he was mad, but they would get through it. But in his silence, the fears she'd been harboring only seemed to bolster.
Trembling blue eyes looked up at him in desperation. "If you hated me; I don't know what I'd do."
His cold glare narrowed before he looked away once again. "I am not fond of you at the moment."
It went without saying, but she grabbed on to the sliver of hope he offered by not explicitly telling her he hated her. Though his indifference might be just as bad.
She studied his profile, not liking what she saw. Hating that it was her who made him so miserable. Uncertain if things could ever be repaired.
"Are we going to be okay?"
Finally, after a breathless moment, he answered her. "I don't know."
At least he was honest, and she decided that it had to be good enough for now. It wasn't like she really had a choice. But even though it hurt; she was at least pleased that he was talking to her. And no matter how hard it was to endure; he deserved to say his piece.
She sat quietly as he took another pull from his pipe, and watched wistfully as the smoke left his lungs in thick, wafting curls. One kiss they'd shared tasted just like that – opium smoke, tinged by the scent of tree bark in the forest after a rain. It smelled just like that now, so much so that she could taste his lips on hers; feel his exploring tongue. But she could not recreate the feeling in her chest brought on by his warmth and protection, comfort in his caring and the fluttering excitement of something new. All there was beneath her breast was the crippling fear of whether she would ever feel that way again.
"All I have asked for is your honesty and your trust. That is all." The knife twisted in her gut as she could only watch him helplessly. She knew he was right, and she was as frustrated with herself as he appeared to be. "Not your friendship, not your body; nothing else. And you have given me neither."
Spelling out her sins so plainly had her thoroughly appalled with herself. She'd known what she was doing was wrong, but she hadn't considered just how insulting it was. He made no bones about the high value he placed on those things, and he practiced what he preached. Trading those values relayed a mutual respect. He'd held up his end, but she couldn't even give him that. How could she treat someone she loved so terribly?
"But you had me fooled." She continued to watch - to listen - in agony. To hear what she had done. All she wanted to do was throw her arms around him, and comfort him, and kiss her apologies until she'd stopped him from hurting, but she knew she couldn't. And that hurt even more. "I would have sworn on my life that I had obtained those things, and in a way, I did. And I lost."
He'd lost his life – the one he knew. She'd taken it from him. And thanks to her; the centuries old demon – still a pup by some standards – only had a few decades to go before he would be lost completely. That she'd managed to win his unconditional faith made it all the more egregious. This was a devastating blow, and she could see how hard it was for him to accept.
She'd wager the Western Lord never allowed anyone to get close enough to betray him so brutally, but she'd somehow managed that feat. He never saw it coming, and she knew he was just as frustrated in himself for letting someone maneuver past his defenses. It would be a good, long while – if ever – that he let it happen again. She hated herself for that too.
His raw anger was still there, but his façade must have grown too heavy for even him to maintain. When his features softened; it wasn't to show regard. His sharp edges fell away just enough to reveal the effects of her betrayal. Cold, furious eyes became awash with regret, relaxing at the corners as his eyebrows lifted slightly, making him resemble a wounded animal.
His mouth was set in a gentle frown, restraining his questions and his heartbreak but not his incredulity. His disbelief, despite knowing what was true. And pain. Un-tempered, unnecessary pain. A gaping wound that may never heal.
"You had my trust, miko." She looked right into his eyes, refusing to disrupt the vision of him by wiping her tears away. "I would have done anything for you. Everything. You were one of the very few I truly trusted with my life - maybe the only one." The heartfelt confession rubbed them both raw, exposing nerve endings to the brutal winter air. The pain was unforgiving, and as a result, so was he.
Sadness became resentment, as did bitter realizations that made comprehension unpalatable. "but you have rendered me as such that I do not see how I would trust anyone ever again." Sesshoumaru sneered, fully taking in her tiny, defenseless form. "You broke me, as my brother broke you."
Inuyasha had hurt her, but she knew he loved her. That was why getting blindsided by him was so easy, and so agonizing. She never would have thought herself capable of inflicting that level of pain on anyone, let alone someone she cared for so deeply. She knew how hard it was to trust again after getting damaged like that. By someone who was supposed to have your best interests at heart. By someone who claimed to love you. She hoped he knew she did, and if he had ever returned the affection; she hoped he could again.
He watched her wipe her tears at last in morbid fascination. He appeared neither satisfied nor upset with her response, and only tilted his head in curiosity.
"Was this your fear, miko? Was this what you were wishing to prevent from occurring?"
"It's worse," she replied after a sharp sniff. Her breath was shaky, but she forced a measure of composure for his benefit. His pain needed acknowledgement right now, not hers.
But he appeared to be through. She didn't know what she was allowed to do right now, but she assumed physical affection would not be welcomed. He looked like he would at least hear her out.
Another hit of opium would bring him comfort in her stead, and once she was confident her voice wouldn't crack; she squared her shoulders determinedly.
"You are completely justified to never trust me again." His eyes were out on the lake again, but she knew he was listening. That was all she needed. "but that won't stop me from trying every day to earn it back. I don't care how long it takes; I will show you I'm worthy." He didn't try to discourage her, but he also didn't look entirely convinced.
But actions spoke louder than words with him. She would prove it to him, but for now; she needed him to know how sorry she was - how much she regretted it.
"That secret nearly broke me. It did break me. It ruined my life, and I will never keep anything from you ever again. Even if it kills me," that finally earned his attention, albeit passionlessly. "it would be better than this."
She couldn't take it anymore. She boldly touched his arm, and his gaze never strayed as she meaningfully returned it. "I am so sorry," she assured him, then saddened in realization. "I'm sure you hate me, but I hate myself even more. I ruined my life, but I ruined yours, and that's worse. Rin would be safe if it wasn't for me. You would be safe."
She felt him tense under her palm at the mention of his recovered ward, and finally removed it.
Finding her alive was supposed to unburden him. It was supposed to cut his problems in half, and provide some relief until he could become a demon again. Instead, they had at least doubled.
She didn't know if finding her this way was any less painful for him than never finding her at all would have been. Of course; he wasn't one to delude himself with placating fantasy scenarios. He also would have never stopped looking. At the very best, it is a wash.
His burden of humanity also didn't seem to be going anywhere, and now he could add the betrayal of his would-be lover to the heap. Other than promise to never do it again; she didn't know how to fix this. Judging by his current coping method of choice; it didn't look like he did either.
Maybe nothing could. He was a very diligent man. So if he had given up hope, things could quite possibly be hopeless. But just in case; she needed to make an offer.
"I will do anything you ask." She couldn't tell if it was challenge or skepticism glaring back at her. Either way; she didn't falter. "Anything. Even if it's just to humiliate for your own amusement, even if I get hurt in the process. You can do whatever you want to me."
He sized her up as if considering something, but his disapproval of her suggestion was palpable.
It would have been easy to pay penance if he just had some unpleasant chore to delegate, or some unseemly lust to slake. Or even if he had the desire to settle the score, and make them even by making her hurt as badly as she'd hurt him. But she wouldn't have come to care for him so deeply if he was anything like that.
"Hn. Fortunately for you, I do not derive any enjoyment out of torturing human women."
Then again, not allowing her to make amends would serve as a very painful punishment. She hoped that wasn't what he had in mind.
"I thought I might be starting to understand what father felt." Her heart constricted, cramping painfully in her chest as he paralyzed her with his earnest gaze. She knew exactly where he was going, and it was going to be a painful, effective strike. "I thought that perhaps love was not so difficult to grasp after all, and it was possible. But now I know, I had been correct. There is only pain in this world." The distance in his gaze suddenly sharpened as he condemned. "And the worst of it is when you think you love someone, and they show you the folly in it."
She took it back. He was a sadist. He did want to cause her pain, and he knew just how to do it. But it was just what she deserved. And still, it did not diminish her affection for him in the slightest.
She sat frozen beside him; unresponsive, and with a distant – yet cluttered – look in her eyes to match his own. Seeing the damage he'd inflicted; he turned back towards the lake, and it was unclear if he was satisfied, or simply being merciful.
"So," he intoned casually, "How is she?"
She was facing his profile, but looking right through him. She wiped a fresh tear off her cheek as she tried to compartmentalize her most troubling thoughts.
She knew he was referring to Rin. They were going back to before they traded confessions in his hut, and were going to try again, knowing what they do now.
Kagome was trance-like when she responded.
"She remembers everything." He immediately bristled. "She didn't want you to blame yourself for what happened, so she told you she didn't remember. I'm breaking her confidence to tell you because I will never lie to you again."
He recovered by the time she'd completed her explanation, and cut her a sideways glance.
"Hn. Is this a practice employed by all human women?" he patronized drolly. "Do you all work to deceive the ones who care for you the most?"
She wouldn't dare to answer, but she had a question of her own.
"What are you going to do about the child?"
It was arguably their most pressing matter at hand, edging out some very impressive competition. None of the options were favorable, particularly considering the time period. But he sounded like he had a plan, and she was very eager to hear what it was.
"It would be best to terminate the pregnancy."
That was pretty much what she'd assumed; she just worried about how he might go about it. She didn't doubt that Rin's safety would be his top priority, but he couldn't even explain human periods to her. That meant he either didn't know, or didn't want to tell her about it. Either way; this was so much worse, and even though he would spare nothing to keep her physically unharmed; emotional damage was a much lower priority for him. But just as costly, more often than not.
She feared he may have yet to grasp that about her kind.
"Because it is hanyou?" she asked timidly, her sadness easily bleeding through.
His pupils slid her way for a brief moment.
"Yes. Because of the trouble and danger it will bring her. Not to mention her age." He scowled deeply. "She cannot mother a child."
Watching him seethe impotently had Kagome forgetting all of her problems in an instant. Rin was still the priority, and they had a very big issue on their hands. It made her romantic problems seem miniscule in comparison, and she would gladly shelf her drama to focus on the younger girl.
Sesshoumaru was strong-headed and determined, and when he got it in his mind that he wanted to do something; he was almost impossible to dissuade. She didn't doubt he'd given this a great deal of thought, and he sounded like his decision had been made.
She was going to need to be the voice of reason, and would leverage all of her remaining sway with the man to do what was best for Rin. So, what was the reasonable thing to do in this situation? Did such a thing even exist?
After thinking on it a moment; she made the call.
"I actually agree with you." Rin's life had hardly even begun; she'd be damned if she was going to let this commandeer it. She should get to live for herself a bit first before having to give her life to somebody else. It wouldn't be fair to her, and it wouldn't be fair to the child. "But we must handle this gently."
If they were in the future; she'd know exactly what to do. But she doubted any methods employed by unprepared mothers in this era were even remotely safe. Certainly not full-proof. This could be very dangerous. Surely, her protector must be aware of the risks. Then again; demonesses probably weren't as susceptible to complications during childbirth. Did he know that?
"We need to find a way to remove the child without her knowledge." His deep, insistent voice pulled her from her musings. "I do not want her to ever know about the half breed she carries."
Kagome eyed him warily. "You don't think we should tell her?"
That added a whole new layer of difficulty to their undesirable task. Plus, she didn't know how she felt about that. Making a choice on behalf of a child for her best interests is one thing; but acting without her knowledge... it all felt very yucky.
Sesshoumaru shook his head.
"No. She has been through enough." Kagome glanced down to see his fingernails cutting their way into his palm. She considered reaching out to touch him again, but hesitated. "It will not be birthed, so we need not upset her further."
She could definitely see where he was coming from. The knowledge of this child was obviously torturing him, and would for some time. He didn't want Rin to spend her life plagued with misgivings. Worse yet, what if she wanted to keep it?
All that baby-making talk they had earlier exposed the girl's desire to collect them – though, this was terribly ahead of schedule. If she found out there was one on the way; she might not be willing to part with it.
"You will purify it."
Wide eyes snapped up to meet his hardened glare. She knew a command when she heard it, but the miko shook her head. "No, I can't."
"You will refuse me," he asked incredulously, losing both brows behind black bangs. "after all you have done?"
She didn't appreciate the blackmail, but couldn't deny he had a point. She'd just promised to do anything he wanted. How could he ever trust her again if she broke her word to him after five minutes?
But she had a very good reason for refusing. A reason he was sure to appreciate.
"It's too dangerous. Her child is half human, and I won't use her as a guinea pig for testing my powers."
The way he twisted his lips showed he was obviously displeased with that answer, but instead of arguing; he removed his gaze in defeat. He knew complications during pregnancy could cost a human woman her life. How half-purification would impact it was unclear, but it would remain a mystery. It wasn't worth the risk.
'What are we going to do?' She could tell he was reeling for new solutions. He always got that look on his face when he went searching inside his mind. 'Guess he didn't have a plan b.'
Blue eyes became large at the thought, and an idea quickly began to form.
"There's a pill, in my time." Sesshoumaru shifted his attention to the miko, but said nothing. "She won't suspect a thing, and the pain will be manageable. I can give her one of my painkillers too to help. She'll just think she's having her cycle."
He weighed the idea in his mind with obvious interest. Humans in her time used pills like magic potions; the ones he'd sampled had been very effective.
Though unfamiliar with this cure; Kagome seemed very confident in this method. And though she'd betrayed his trust by lying to him, he found he still trusted her with Rin. If she felt more comfortable with this than her own powers, he would go along with it.
While she waited for his reply, he lifted the corner of his mouth in a humorless smirk.
"Hn. I knew I could rely on you to hatch a duplicitous scheme."
The barb stung, and she had a feeling things were going to be this way between them for a while. But things had been tense for them in the beginning too, and they'd managed to make amazing strides. They could do it again, so long as he didn't ice her out completely.
"I will do anything you ask of me, Sesshoumaru." After the reminder; she sighed sadly in resignation. "I will never lie to you again, but if you want me to lie for you; I'll do it in a heartbeat. I'll do everything I can to earn your trust back."
He adopted his lordly cadence as he drew his eyes over her suspiciously.
"We shall see."
He continued to assess her after she turned from him, and started questioning his judgement. It was something he rarely did, but considering where he was – perhaps it was time to begin.
"Are you certain you can find this pill in your time?"
The uncomfortable pause that followed his question was not promising.
"No," she admitted. He frowned. "I can't just go buy it, and I can't exactly fake a pregnancy. But if there is a way; I will get it. You have my word."
She lifted her chin determinedly, and pledged her solemn vow.
Unfortunately, his condescending glare showed he was less than impressed with the display, and he looked away.
"I wish that brought me as much confidence as it would have only hours ago."
It was her turn to frown now, but her resolve never faltered. His digs were valid, and hopefully when he got them all out of his system; he would be ready to forgive her. Until then; she had some unpleasant work to do.
"It should bring you even more," she told him with conviction, and he lifted a brow. "Besides wanting the best for Rin; I've got something to prove, and I'm desperate to please you. I'm highly motivated."
She had a point. He knew first hand that those who found their way onto his shit list – the ones that survived – were quite compelled to get off of it, and quickly. Those who hadn't knowingly displeased him seemed fairly confident of their safety, and often became complacent. It was foolish of them.
The miko cleverly removed that motivational option early on, so death by his hand did not loom heavy and inspire the proper respect, or obedience. Now, it looked like he would finally be responded to appropriately. Better late than never, he supposed.
"Very well. My vassals will be here at dawn. You and I will ride ahead on Ah-Un, and return with the pill to give Rin."
He'd taken a moment to track down his loyal followers the night he became demon. They were easy enough to locate, and he'd issued some orders before returning to find Kagome. They had until dawn tomorrow to handle a few matters on his behalf, and were commanded to meet him here afterward. Uncertain at the time of Rin's mental status; he needed them to come see if they were prepared to depart.
He sure as hell was, but Rin was another story. That was why he'd already spoken to Daichi about keeping an eye on her, and the others were free to do as they pleased. Rin was found, and now awake. Their self-imposed duty to him was over. With Ah-Un returning; he had his own ride, so he needn't rely on anyone else's kindness any longer. It was a huge relief.
"It would be best if she came with us," the miko opined, however. "Time is of the essence with these things. I can give it to her as soon as I return through the well. We can all go home."
He considered her proposition. He didn't need to travel with them anymore. And they certainly didn't need him. They'd all grown more comfortable in each other's presence, but this arrangement was never meant to be permanent. The only thing tying him to them any longer was the miko he'd vowed not to abandon – not as long as he was human, anyway - but now things were complicated.
He was not ready to go back to his lands yet – not like this. But he didn't exactly have anywhere else to go. But if Kagome had to go through the well to help Rin, then they were still all going to the same place. It didn't matter to him one way or the other if the rest of them came along or not. But he was leaving at dawn with Kagome. The rest could decide whatever they wished.
"That is acceptable," he finally proclaimed. "The ride home should be much swifter, as Toran's clan has ensured us undisturbed passage through her lands. We will stop only when absolutely necessary."
Toran had been another stop on his demon night agenda. He made a show of visiting her father, as well as several other clan leaders to affirm his youkai status and quash any doubt of his terrible power and fitness to rule.
While alone; he informed Toran that she could call off her search, save for one lucky escapee. He still held hopes of finding the tiger himself, however. But failing that, he would be satisfied with simply being allowed to torture him. They also worked out the route for an obstacle-free return. He wanted as few difficulties as possible on their homecoming journey.
"You think Rin is ready for travel?" she asked cautiously.
With a haughty look, he lifted his brow. "You tell me. She apparently sees fit to inform you of her memories, but not This One."
She knew it would hurt his pride to learn his adoring charge felt the need to mislead him, and all for the sake of his ego. That she'd taken the miko into her confidence – not a great idea, it turned out – added another layer to the insult.
"She should be okay," she assured him carefully, "but why don't you check on her?"
He narrowed his gaze, and lowered his voice menacingly. "You know why."
Just because Kagome now shared his burden; it didn't make enduring Rin's presence any easier. When he looked at her, all he could smell was that tiger half-breed growing inside her. How could he look into those trusting brown eyes knowing exactly what his weakness had wrought?
"You promised you would," she gently reminded him. "She wants to see you."
"She told you this?" he asked disingenuously. "Because she also told me she remembers nothing, but that turned out to be false."
That was going to hurt for a while. That child - that little girl - kept the truth from him, because she didn't think he could handle it. And she wasn't completely wrong.
But he had told her he would return, and he had intended to. There had simply been... complications, since then. There was too much happening all at once. He didn't need his crippling guilt gnawing at his sanity until after he'd made a plan.
"Yes. She's been through a lot, but she loves you." She was confident in her assessment, but found it difficult not to scold him. That was going to be hard to temper while she waited for his forgiveness. "Just try and be understanding, and don't take it personally."
"How else would I interpret her distrust of This One?"
Twice in the same evening; he'd learned someone close to him had played him for a fool. He did take it personally. How did he not detect the untruth? His affection for these women blinded him to their deception. It was dangerous, and disconcerting.
"She's scared," Kagome justified. He only scoffed. "She had a traumatic experience; it has nothing to do with you."
"It has everything to do with me," he snapped harshly. With a sneer, he reined it in. "My negligence did that to her."
"It's my fault, remember? She doesn't blame you."
That was the whole point of her untimely confession. It was supposed to make him understand that this wasn't his fault. If it didn't relieve his burden, then it was all for nothing.
"I blame This One."
Annoyed by the conformation, she demanded hotly, "Well, blame me."
"I do." His dark reply startled her, along with his icy glare. After pinning her with it a moment, he finally lowered his eyes. "As well."
"Go talk to her," she pleaded. "Tell her that tomorrow; we're going home."
He supposed it didn't matter. He'd be trapped with her on his dragon for as long as it took them to get to the well. Whatever he had to do to make the ride tolerable, he had better figure it out quickly.
Kagome saw him starting to bend, so she thought she'd try her luck atoning.
"When you're done, I can finish working on your shoulder if you like." He could hear the shy smile in her hopeful tone, and when he turned to confirm his suspicions; he was greeted by her slight blush. "We kind of got distracted."
Though his transformation would get the official blame, they both knew the distraction came well before that.
Kami, was that only 24 hours ago? So much had happened since then, so much had changed.
How he wished he could transport himself back to last night, and revel in the feeling just a little longer. His hands on her skin, and hers on his. The closeness and trust, and none of the betrayal. Exciting and frightening new emotions, and the anticipation of what might happen next.
He wished he never found out. About any of it. If he could go back to last night, and never change again; he'd do it in an instant. They would have made it to the stronghold eventually. He didn't need to be demon to find her.
Now, he didn't know if he could ever feel that good again. Everything he had that night was gone. Only his uncertainty remained, but not that of a thrilling new adventure, or enticing new territory. Everything was just as uncertain as it was before, but the possibilities had diminished to only the bleakest, and darkest, and most dire.
He'd let his hopes and expectations soar for the briefest of moments, but he was rebuffed quickly, and brutally, as if a message from the kami.
'Not for you.'
For having the audacity to anticipate happiness, or contentment, or anything good; he would be quickly reminded why those things weren't for him. He was bred for war, and gods of war do not serve their purpose when swimming in contentment or riding high in pleasure.
He hadn't needed a reminder of his place in a very long time, but he would admit he had forgotten it. But if he was going to put the world in its place; he would need to keep his focus. If he didn't; the kami would find their own ways to encourage him.
She was still smiling at him sweetly when he sharpened his deadly glare.
"I think it would be best if you slept in your own hut."
At his cold suggestion; her inviting features fell away, leaving her pained reaction in his wake.
"Oh," she whispered sadly, not bothering to conceal her disappointment. "Okay."
She seemed shocked by his cruelty at first, but found her way to acceptance rather quickly. Perhaps the move wasn't wholly unexpected.
He garnered no pleasure - no enjoyment - from hurting her. Even knowing she'd hurt him just as badly - if not worse. But that was the point, wasn't it? If happiness was his endgame, he was going to be sorely disappointed.
Still, tormenting her was also not the point. Nor was it his vessel.
Sliding his pipe into his obi; Sesshoumaru finally stood. Kagome remained still, holding herself for warmth or comfort- it didn't matter which. Neither was his duty any longer.
She looked out across the lake, as he had been when she found him. As had been her original intention.
"We have a long journey ahead of us tomorrow." When she didn't look his way, or rise to join him; he didn't push the issue. "Get some rest, miko."
He indulged in the heavy sense of loss he felt for just a moment as he took her in. The sun had begun to set, and the colors complimented her profile unlike any other he had ever seen. She loved sunsets, and watched them often. He could remember every one they'd seen together, and exactly what it felt like to be beside her in those moments.
The urge to stay was strong, but easily disobeyed. It wouldn't be the same. It never would again.
He turned to leave without her - just the way he'd come - but her voice stopped him cold.
"Sesshoumaru..." He didn't turn around, but he waited. "I am so sorry."
Without looking at her, everything she was feeling was so easily discerned in her voice. The regret, the anguish, the fear...
It would take some time to get his composure back. To get himself back. But he would. He was still Sesshoumaru, even now. Like it, or not.
"Agreed," he offered coldly, and simply continued on his way.
After returning with the boar's tusks earlier that day, Sesshoumaru had taken Daichi aside for a private conversation. The end result saw to the village elder preparing the small room beside his own for occupancy. It was close enough for the elder to keep watch, while still offering the privacy a blossoming young woman required.
The spell Rin had been under thankfully was unharmful – in and of itself. And though it had been eons since he'd encountered it last, the old man could vaguely recall the recovery period for the affected human being swift and with relatively few complications.
It was like her existence had simply been paused, as illustrated by her lack of appetite, despite not having eaten for days, if not weeks. That didn't stop him from insisting, quite forcefully, that the girl eat each of the generous meals he'd prepared for her since she woke. Even in his human state, the Western Lord was not to be slighted. Neglecting to keep his precious ward properly nourished and looked after would be an excellent way to earn Sesshoumaru's ire, and not a chance the man was willing to take.
He'd heard many a rumor of his affection for the girl, and he could tell they had merit by the ferocity and urgency employed in her recovery mission. He was a bit surprised, however, of his notable absence pretty much since the moment she'd come to the village. He expected the young lord to refuse leaving her side, but he'd hardly been in to see her at all.
The man was terribly busy, that he well understood, but their last conversation confirmed that there was some sort of trouble he was not aware of.
But he had no qualms with monitoring the girl for him. Rin was sweet and kind, and little to no trouble. Ironically, the deep sleep of the spell had one feeling quite tired after awakening. She needed to rest and recharge and build her strength and consciousness back gradually. But after her last visit with the miko, she had become impossibly restless. He could understand how bad cabin fever was for a child, particularly one who hadn't moved much recently. So, after hearing about the girl's affinity for flowers, he led her to his own private garden to let her get some air, and stretch her legs.
The others had all been by to help keep her company at some point, save for one. Save for the only one she asked for, and every time another member of her own personal search party came to call, she was visibly disheartened to learn it was not him.
That was why when at last the tall, intimidating human was spotted approaching his property, Daichi was all too quick to point him towards the garden and make himself scarce. Hopefully, when he returned, the girl would be in better spirits.
The sun had just set, but enough light remained for weak human eyes to appreciate the impressive variety and bounty of Daichi's green thumb. Though it was winter, plant life bloomed lushly, boasting a stunning display. Deep purples looked to be made of the finest silk satin, and vibrant reds distracted the eyes, on ropes and vines that stood several feet tall.
When Sesshoumaru glimpsed Rin longingly admiring delicate while bells that appeared to stand by the thousands, he knew she would be out here until the very last light. She always loved flowers. More than simple aesthetic appreciation, something about their mere presence had always been able to ground her. No matter what was going on around them, once a field of colorful growth was discovered, her contentment was as well. The more the better, but even a single bloom managed to touch something inside the girl and soothe her restless spirit.
He'd never taken the time to indulge in such nonsense. Not before her, anyway. Any idle moments he was awarded would only be wasted on pointless endeavors. If he wasn't improving his power in some way, it was opportunity lost, and he would pay for his digression. Such things were not for him.
He never really saw what the big deal was anyway. He supposed colors could be pleasing. And symmetry was attractive. Rarities intriguing. But they held no purpose. Flowers were just something to look at, and if lounging in a bed of them wasn't going to benefit him, he did not see the point.
The miko was the same with her sunsets. Every evening if at all possible, she wished to find a peaceful place to stop and enjoy the colors provided by the sun's retreat. He didn't understand the obsession. Once he asked her why she needed to watch the same ballet she'd seen a thousand times before. She knew the ending, there were no surprises. Why the fascination?
She'd told him it brought her comfort. There was something familiar in the ritual, in knowing that no matter what was happening around her; the sun was going to set just like it always was. Right in the same spot every time; the consistency was something she appreciated. It was nice to have something to rely on.
Another time he asked her, and she told him that it was about unity. That it didn't matter where you were in the world, everybody was watching the same scene play out, at the exact same moment. She felt connected to everyone in that moment, and even if she was alone; there were millions of people doing the same thing she was doing right then. That no matter how far apart, she still could share an experience with those she cared about, and she could do it every single night.
Another time, she said it was about perspective. That even though everybody in the world was watching the exact same event, every place you were let you see it a little differently. That there was never enough time to see from every possible angle or every possible location – even if you were a demon. That she wanted to see as many as she could, so she could see what other people see. So she could find a favorite. Just in case she was missing out on something grand, or just in case she would never be in that exact spot at that exact moment ever again.
He didn't understand her at all. He didn't understand the appeal of a sunset. Another frivolous waste of his precious time. But since becoming human, he'd watched many by her side. Sometimes words were traded, sometimes not. But watching light alter his ability to perceive the world around him was inconsequential. Just because his human senses now saw things differently, it didn't mean they were. What happens now was the same thing that always happened then, no matter how it looks to him.
And Rin's flowers were an even more frivolous endeavor. They may bring her happiness for a brief moment, but they would never endure. Soon, all of those petals she spent so long gazing upon and admiring would wilt and die and then they would be gone. He supposed there was something to be said for taking the time to enjoy them while they were here. If there was any joy to be had out of those budding blooms, likely no one would get any more of it than her. She would soak them in for their brief lives while she had the chance, and then she would lose them forever. Maybe that was why she was always searching for more. Perhaps it was an addiction.
Still, while he had indeed seen flowers with his new human eyes; this was his first time seeing them through hers. He would admit, it did look different this time around. But too much had changed to judge the reasons accurately. A controlled experiment was now impossible. He had lost control.
"I know what happened to you." Rin turned to find her sullen guardian standing just inside the entrance. "And I know you do as well."
Though his façade remained impassive, she could tell he was displeased. The fear inspired by the realization was not for herself, so she joined him on both accounts as he took the first unhurried step in closing the distance between them.
"She told you?" Rin asked, not attempting to hide her irritation. Actually, it sounded suspiciously like the opposite. It was a bit of a jarring change from the girl's typical cheery cadence, and Sesshoumaru wondered if recent events were solely to blame, or if she'd simply hit some human milestone with respects to her age.
"She did not have to."
Another notable change struck him as he crossed the garden to reach her; she always came running to him. Always. But she remained still, twiddling a yellow flower he could not name down by her hip in an absent-minded way. It would have made her look childish if not for the troubled stare she wore betraying the trials of maturity. She always was an old soul, or maybe she had just seen a lot for someone so young. But now she embodied something suspended in development; halfway transitioned. He supposed he could understand.
He stopped when he reached an arm's length, and by then her agitation appeared to have left her. The progressing dusk cast shadows on already darkened features, and she drank them in with a mounting fear unlike that which he usually inspired.
She worried for him more with each second that he hesitated, and nerves began to bind. He was intense as always in the silence that stretched on, but it did nothing to break the tension when at last he finally spoke.
"I am sorry," he told her simply. "I am sorry that I failed you. You trusted me to be your protector, and you paid dearly for that trust. If I could give my life to undo it all, I would in a second. But I cannot."
His proclamation left her feeling defeated, and her slumping body posture reflected that. This was just what she was fearing, and tried so hard to avoid.
She'd never fought with him before, but something sharp and defiant had been tickling in her chest, and scratching up her throat in a maddening way.
She scowled at him.
"It's not your fault-"
"I may not have chosen to become human," he interrupted, "but I made a promise to you. Your unconditional faith in This Sesshoumaru was proven to be misplaced. It is my failing, and I will recompense for it. Even if it takes the rest of my life, know that I will."
The solemn vow was as good as a blood oath, and his air of finality set it in stone, but it wasn't what she wanted. Though his voice was as measured and calm ever, his precarious stability read like a scroll.
This unnerved her to no end, but as she held his unblinking, determined gaze; she decided she would be pleased if he left it at that. But she didn't hold her breath.
"As I am, it is clear I am unfit to remain your protector, as I cannot protect." He ignored the way she tensed, and continued sternly. "That is why I have spoken to the elder to see about taking over your care."
Her anxieties seemed forgotten as she twisted her face into a scowl.
"No."
"We must journey back to Inuyasha's forest; it is a matter of great importance." He continued on as if he hadn't heard her. "But once we are through-"
"No," she repeated, balling her fists and shaking her head.
"We will return here, and-"
"No!" she threw back again, raising her voice this time. "I'm not staying here. I'm staying with you."
He narrowed his eyes at her, and his tone became a touch firmer.
"I'm afraid that is no longer an option for you." Rin crossed her arms petulantly and purposefully averted her gaze in frustration. This was new territory for him – with her, at least. But he certainly wasn't unpracticed arguing with human females. The tears he saw beginning to well did terrible things to his chest, however. He wouldn't budge on this, of course, though he did soften slightly.
"I would wish for nothing more," he assured her so gently he immediately earned back her attention. Eyes widened a bit in disbelief at tones she was unaccustomed to. "but I was a fool to bring you with me; to endanger you like that. I will not make that mistake again."
Lifting his chin; he forced himself not to react as she wiped a rouge tear from her eye.
"So you're just going to dump me off at some human village?"
"It is for your own good," he insisted superiorly. "You are not safe with me."
"I am not safe anywhere," she countered. "There are bad people everywhere." He was taken aback by her humorless laugh, and her sudden mocking tone. "You can't protect me from the world, Sesshoumaru-sama."
Violet eyes narrowed down steeply in her direction.
"Not anymore," he confirmed, and she frowned. "I am a human who used to be a demon; you do not belong with me."
"I do not belong anywhere," she immediately answered, gesturing to him. "Neither do you; neither do any of us."
His confusion gave her the leeway to continue making her point.
"Kagome is a miko from the future," she began. "Miroku is an unholy monk. Sango is a demon slayer who is in love with a half demon, and Inuyasha is that half demon." He remained silent, but her sudden grave expression did unpleasant things to him. "And I am an undead orphan who runs with demons. We don't belong anywhere, so we belong together. If we don't, we will belong nowhere."
She argued with passion and conviction, and he didn't know how to respond to it. But his posture remained stiff, as if prepared to take a blow at any moment.
"I'm a misfit outcast just like you, and I always will be." He raised an eyebrow at her assessment, but said nothing. "And I'm not going to stay in some normal village just because you want to shield me from danger. There is no such thing, and I wouldn't want it anyway."
He was starting to wonder if it really wasn't his humanity which emboldened defiance from mortal women. He was sure having a rough time getting them to fall in line lately.
He had become accustomed to it from the miko, but he wasn't prepared for this from Rin. Perhaps he was releasing some pheromone that told them his recourse was proving insufficient.
"I belong with you, so that's where I'm going to be," she told him in no-nonsense terms. "And if you don't like it, tough. You're just going to have to be stuck with me."
He had a flashback to the compound where Kagome had told him something similar. Verbatim, if he wasn't mistaken. What the hell was wrong with them?
He was telling them he couldn't protect them, in no uncertain terms. He'd even resulted to pleading with them, but it was an order they just refused to follow. Sometimes it felt like he was the only one looking out for their best interests. Did they not trust him in this? Or did they simply not care?
He sneered.
"Foolish, infuriating woman. Do you not fear for your safety?"
"No, I don't."
She wasn't through with her answer when he'd realized his slip. He'd never thought of her as a woman, never referred to her as one. But she was bearing striking resemblance to the only other one he really knew.
He realized in that moment that it slid out so easily because it was the truth. She was a woman now, for all intents and purposes. A very young one, for certain, but a woman all the same. It meant things he'd known subconsciously were being forced to the surface, and that meant he would need to begin taking more appropriate measures. His own denial had left him unprepared.
"You should." He struggled to keep his stern tone, and failed a moment when it softened without his consent. "I do."
She followed suit, backing down from her aggressive posture.
"I know," she assured him gently. "I also know you didn't want any of this to happen, and it isn't your fault that it did. I do not blame you."
They shared a lingering glance; they communicated well enough in silence much of the time. But Rin was fluent enough in Sesshoumaru to interpret his words as well.
"You should." 'I do'
His regret and shame were unfamiliar, but easy to pick up on, and there was little she could do about it; he was so stubborn.
She huffed in exasperation. "I just want to go home," she whined. "After all I've been through; you won't deny me that."
"Don't you see? There is no home." She flashed him a worried glance, looking to his resentful features for confirmation. He granted it. "Not anymore. What do you think they will do when they find out I am an average human man?"
She'd admit; she hadn't given it much thought. She wasn't used to Sesshoumaru not being able to go where he pleased. She certainly wasn't used to him having to demur to the will of others. But it wouldn't be this way forever.
"After you change back-"
"I am not changing back," he bit harshly. "I am doomed to live out my days human."
The news surprised her, but she recovered quickly with a wry smirk. "It isn't as bad as you make it out to be."
He deigned to look guilty; he had not intended the slight. But that wasn't his point, and he needed her to grasp it.
"Even if I was able to change back; what do you think they would do to you?" The concern she displayed then made him grit his teeth. "You do not have to think; you know exactly what they will do. And then, they will kill you."
His threat finally registered, and he relished only that before brown eyes became sorrowful an instant later.
"You are a woman now," he acknowledged, making her cheeks turn pink. "of breeding age. You are now old enough to be a threat to my lands; to me."
Her embarrassment was forgotten instantly at the idea of being considered any sort of threat.
"My father kept a human woman," he reminded her, "and they killed her, and him, and her child. They will do the same to you, or any woman I show favor to within those walls." Eyes grew wide at his grim assessment, and his confidence. "And next time; Tenseiga will not be able to help you. You are lucky those tigers were too stupid to kill you."
"Yeah, real lucky," she answered with a petulant scoff. "They were too stupid to kill you too."
"Indeed." He couldn't agree more. They should have cut his throat, rather than relying on the river to take care of him. That hubris cost them big, though not nearly enough, in his opinion. "If this is what luck has in store for us; I should not like to test it further."
It was the first time he'd heard her laugh in over a month, and it warmed him through and through. Many things had changed about her, but she still had the same pure laughter that was so uniquely hers. He hoped that never changed.
She saw the corners of his mouth threatening to twitch up, but he was able to hold back. It was all in his eyes, though. That made her relax, and he seemed to do the same.
"So," she wondered after a moment, "where are you going to go then?"
She didn't know if he was thinking up an answer, or deciding whether to tell her. Either way, it didn't take long.
"I will follow this pack back to my brother's village. After that... I do not know."
He had to get Rin to the well, that was certain. But now that it looked like he was going to be this way a good, long while; he needed a new plan.
He hadn't discounted remaining with this pack indefinitely, but it was not the easy call it would have been just this morning. The truth was; he didn't know what he wanted to do.
As much as he wanted to forgive Kagome, it was far too early to determine whether he could. Either way, he wouldn't make any decisions before giving some thought to his options.
Luckily, they had a sizable journey back home, and that would give him time to come up with a plan.
Rin seemed satisfied with his answer - despite the ambiguity - and offered a resolute nod.
"Okay. When do we leave?"
He held her determined gaze a moment as he thought things over.
This matter was far from settled; he would not change his mind. Now that Rin was back, he had to find her somewhere safe to stay so no more of his enemies could harm her. It was only a matter of time before they started figuring it out, but his brief appearance in the North the other night bought him a little more time.
Regardless, he had to get her near the well first. After that was handled, he could make arrangements. This village was very safe and protected – that was why he liked it for her. But it was farther north than he preferred. There were plenty of human villages in his lands, he only hoped they remained safe if... when...
Then again, maybe it didn't matter. Once he was ousted – killed, most likely, as he would not concede defeat – whomever took control might change everything. Depending on his successor – and their allies – humankind may find themselves decidedly less welcome the Western Lands, or anywhere.
Perhaps he should choose someone now, to at least preserve order as best he could. He hated the idea of handing over control, but he was of no use in such a position now, and he couldn't hide forever. Nor should he.
He needed an ally who was either strong enough or connected enough to vanquish any challenger to their claim, who could keep peace with the humans and generally not fuck the whole thing up.
It was a very tall order, if even possible. He would have to give it some thought.
Rin remained unwavering, but hopeful in her demand. She wouldn't win them all, but he would give her this one.
"Dawn."
It was almost too dark to see the dazzling grin she flashed him, and before he knew it; she'd lunged forward, wrapping her arms around his middle and nearly knocking him back a step.
She'd never done anything so bold with him before, but all things considered; how could he refuse?
She couldn't make a habit of it, but deep down, he was relieved to still hold her affections. For now, at least, so he saw no harm in indulging.
She squeezed her cheek tightly against his unarmored torso, and he slowly encompassed her around the shoulders. Clawless fingertips raked through raven black hair, and held her firmly against himself through the duration of the embrace.
"I am sorry," he whispered after a long, wordless moment.
After a pause, she answered back.
"I know."
A/N: Let me hurt you. Healing feels so good.
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