Kakashi really has been trying to keep a level head. The moment the other shinobi from Naruto's current unit had returned, he'd known something was very wrong, but it was the way none of them would meet his eyes… In the end, Shikamaru was the one who finally plucked up the guts to ask where their blond friend was, and… none of them had known.
They hadn't known. He just vanished, they said, and we were ambushed before we could even properly track him down.
By the time they'd dealt with their attackers, Naruto was gone. There wasn't even a trail they could follow.
He'd shared one look with Shikamaru, a silent conversation, and the man had shrugged. "I'm not a tracker, you should go."
But even Kakashi and his ninken couldn't pick up Naruto's scent, and he's their… He's part of…
When he dragged himself back to the village, a part of him hoped the blond would somehow be home, safe and sound, but even in his current state of exhaustion he had enough higher functioning to know it was nothing more than a silly dream.
Thus is the life of shinobi.
Still, Naruto is missing, not dead, so who gave the order to declare such a thing? Kakashi certainly hadn't, and yet…
Three months is a long time to hope.
The people are mourning.
Things have been eerily quiet across the Great Nations. Many of the Kage are fond of Naruto, and the man has friends in every single place he's ever been.
If none of the other villages have seen… If their contacts all over the world can't help… If Kakashi himself couldn't find Naruto, then… what hope is left?
But that's his- his friend. His former student, his teammate, his successor, his… Just his. Naruto is his and somebody, somewhere will payfor this if I have to pass on the hat and abandon-
His fist slams against the wall in his living room, putting a hole in the drywall. His chest constricts, his arm swings back, and then forward again, again, AGAIN. It's not possible, Naruto is the best of them, their hero, precious! He can't-
-breathe!
Kakashi chokes on a sob, crumbling to the floor without so much as attempting to catch himself on anything. What's the point? His whole body aches, ears ringing and teeth sensitive. Every inch of his skin is crawling with the need to be anywhere, anywhere but here, because there's too many memories-
Maybe...maybe, he thinks, rocking back and forth with his arms slung around his knees, maybe he's just hiding from something. Maybe he's trying not to put anybody in danger. Maybe, just maybe, he's still out there.
/
He wakes up numb. His body is numb, knuckles bloody, breath unsteady. But his eyes are dry, along with his mouth, his throat…
The world suddenly feels too empty.
He's dead. If the council assumes he's dead, there's nothing I can do. And I-
I couldn't even save the man I loved.
He's not surprised when he isn't summoned to receive a letter. Maybe Naruto hadn't known what to say to him, or maybe he'd moved on like Kakashi had asked him to (though the thought brings an ice-cold edge to the heavy numbness, leaving him breathless). Maybe he thought Kakashi would be okay without one.
But he just feels bitter and empty.
Still, the loud, enthusiastic knocking on his door does something to him, breaking apart the ice in his veins and pulling him toward the entryway even though he'd resolved himself to hiding away for a few days before returning to his duties.
Somehow, he's not surprised to see Lee on his front step, rivers of tears trailing down his cheeks.
He is, however, surprised by the thick, cream colored envelope that Lee places in his hand. "I am Very Sorry for Your Loss, Kakashi-sensei! Naruto-kun Has Asked Me To Get This Letter to You Safely!" A firm bow. Kakashi hardly registers the click of his front door closing.
He really is the worst scum of the earth, isn't he? Naruto hadn't forgotten him. No, in fact, he respects Kakashi's privacy so much that he took great care into making sure Tsunade and Shizune wouldn't open this particular letter looking for a piece of gossip.
Kakashi's an asshole. How- How could he think Naruto, wonderful, precious Naruto, would just forget him like that? When Kakashi is the one who asked for friendship, for space.
Fuck, but he hasn't even opened the letter yet and the envelope is already speckled with droplets of his tears.
'You deserve to be loved, Kakashi, and I will continue to love you even after I am dead. I hope that you received the love I tried to give you even though you didn't want to. Even though it scared you.'
'Because you have my heart, Kakashi, and it's gonna be yours for the rest of forever.'
He wants to scream. Scream, and cry, and fight. He wants to stand on top of the Hokage Monument and shout about the unfairness of the world. How can he just say things like this after he's gone? It's not fair! I don't want this, I don't NEED THIS, damn it!
He wants… He wants nothing more than to reverse time, to go back to the last time Naruto was in the village, or the last time he'd crashed in Kakashi's apartment after a rough mission, or even… even then. That night, the night when Kakashi'd realized how much things had changed, because that was Naruto looking at him with longing in his eyes, longing and loneliness and love, damn it.
No, he would go back to that night. He would go back and hold on to the blond, hold on tight, spend every possible moment he could with him, drop his walls and live, and enjoy it.
Maybe Kakashi doesn't deserve to be happy, but Naruto had, fuck.
He had assumed Naruto had moved on. He had assumed, but he'd been wrong, damn it, and now…
He's a real piece of shit, making an executive decision like that. Maybe he'd been trying to keep himself from ruining that man, but…
But maybe it wasn't like that. Maybe, with Naruto… Maybe Kakashi could have been saved.
/
Kakashi exists. He wants to resign, more than anything, but he won't. Can't. Even if he's never imagined himself as Hokage, he knows and loves his village, and even if his heart is shattered, even if his soul is damaged beyond repair, he will do everything in his power to protect the place Naruto had loved so much, the place Naruto had wanted to protect and cherished with every fibre of his being.
Still. He's tired. He's tired of being strong.
He can't even go to the memorial to whine at his sensei and his friends, anymore. He tried, once, but then he'd seen Naruto's name, freshly carved into the marble. He'd stared at it for a moment, and then he was suddenly on his knees, gagging and vomiting the contents of his stomach, though he's ashamed to admit there wasn't much to throw up. His appetite was never very large, but now it's practically nonexistent.
Dammit, Naruto… Look what you've done to me. I never wanted to fall in love, don't you know that?
If he hadn't been so damn good, so fucking pure, and kind, and just-
He sighs, burying himself in another mission report in the hopes of putting his thoughts out of his head, even for a few minutes. Can't he just go one second without thinking about soft yellow hair, or the depth of those eyes, or the nonsense he used to spew in the early hours just before dawn when they'd be on a mission together, or sprawled on the floor in one of their apartments on the rare occasion that they had time off together?
He really hadn't done a very good job of putting distance between them, had he?
And yet, Naruto really had done as he asked. He'd given Kakashi enough space to drive him crazy, but he'd been there, warm and steady and safe.
And now…
/
"You Are Not Yourself, My Friend. We Can Only Wallow In Our Regrets For So Long Before They Bury Us."
Kakashi doesn't bother lifting his head off of his desk to look Gai in the face. He knows his friend is worried, but fuck, he goes to work, he does his job, can't he just miss the man? Without anybody bothering him about it?
Can't he just…
Can't he wish they had more time? Is he not allowed to mourn?
"It Has Been Two Months Since Tsunade-Sama Handed Out the Letters."
He heaves a sigh, heart beating out an unsteady rhythm against his ribs.
"She Only Handed Out Nine, Kakashi, But Lee Said Something That Confused Me. He Said All Ten Recipients Would Deal in Their Own Ways."
Suddenly, Gai's face is directly in front of his, eyes narrowed. He must be crouching on the floor from this level, and it's mildly concerning when Kakashi thinks about the wheelchair Gai's supposed to be confined to.
"So, Rival. How Did You Receive A Letter That Tsunade-Sama Didn't Have?"
Kakashi blinks, worn thin. "He left it in Lee's care. Tsunade-sama likes gossip, and I like my privacy."
Gai blinks, like he's surprised Kakashi even answered him. Have I gotten that soft?
"Kakashi. What Could Naruto Have Said That He Wanted to Keep Private? He Is Not The Type."
Kakashi lets his eyes slide shut, fighting back tears he knows he should no longer be able to shed. I wish you would drop it, Gai. But Gai is persistent, and Kakashi doesn't feel like fighting.
"I love him, Gai." He flattens his hands on the solid oak and pushes himself up, staring Gai in the face. "I loved him, I told him that we should stay friends, but he never moved on and NOW HE'S GONE!"
The room is silent. Kakashi counts the seconds. Eventually, Gai leans back in his chair, gaze gentle but admonishing. "You should get some rest, Kakashi. You look tired."
He leaves, and a hysteric laugh escapes Kakashi. He laughs, and laughs until he sobs, breaking apart like the shattered man he knows he's always been.