The Trials of Mand'alor

Chapter 9

To Be Or Not To Be

Over the following month, Xerxes did everything he could to keep himself busy and his mind occupied so that he wouldn't have time to think about his brother. The duties that came with being Mand'alor had not been as taxing as he had first thought they'd be. At first, he'd go visit the Clan Leaders and see how the clans were fairing only to find that for the most part they were taking care of themselves and only needed minimal guidance. As L'gann had advised him, Mand'alor's job is to make sensible suggestions. After hearing that, Xerxes quickly realized that Mandalorians weren't the sort of people who needed to be told what made sense. They'd govern themselves like they always had. His input was only ever needed when it came to things like who to trade with, what resources did they need, expanding land and territory. Some of the Clan Leaders had been hoping, like Galbon had been, to expand the Mandalore Sector and take over neighboring systems. Of course, a crusade was the furthest thing from Xerxes' mind and he didn't feel that expanding the sector was a priority. While those particular leaders didn't agree with Xerxes' ideals, they nonetheless followed his word as if it were law.

After that Xerxes would spend most of his time visiting Taggart at Mandal Motors. Xerxes found that he enjoyed spending time there where he could work with his hands to solve mechanical problems. Upgrading his Swoop Bike and coming up with designs for new ships and war machines was easily at the top of the list when it came to Taggart's wild ideas. If Xerxes hadn't become Mand'alor, he felt that he would have liked to have apprenticed under Taggart. Not as an iron-smith, but as an inventor. The two would often bounce ideas off of each other to find solutions and sometimes found answers in the strangest places. Xerxes secretly hoped to get a chance to one-day ride one of the massive basilisk war-droids that Taggart had in his workshops.

When Xerxes found himself with nothing to do after all that, he would find a quiet place in the woods nearby Mand'alor's Mansion and meditate on the Force as Tai had taught him. Each time it became easier to do and easier to understand what the Force was and how it connected all living things. Xerxes found that if he focused hard enough, that he could feel Tai's presence in the Force even though he was far away. The other person he found it incredibly easy to find in the Force was Akiza. Tai had spoken with Xerxes over holo and conveyed to the young man his suspicions that Akiza was also Force-sensitive. But Xerxes wasn't certain of how to broach the subject with her or if he even should so, instead, Xerxes would try to do other things with the Force that he had heard of from other people's accounts of Jedi feats, but aside from pulling small objects to himself, heightening his senses and hiding in the Force like before, Xerxes wasn't able to learn anything beyond that, not without a proper teacher. He probably never would unless he took Tai up on his offer to be his apprentice. The Sith certainly wouldn't teach him and frankly, Xerxes didn't want them to. He'd sooner see them all wiped away from existence after what they'd done to take away the people in his life. First his father, now his brother. Using the Force often followed this circle of thought to his brother whom he was trying not to think about in the first place. When it reached this point, Xerxes would give up and go inside to bed.

The first couple of nights at Mand'alor's Mansion had made Xerxes painfully aware of just how alone he felt and how much he wanted his family back. The weight of that pain made it difficult to sleep, at times it felt almost unbearable. Not wanting to continue living in that manner, Xerxes decided to ask Akiza to move into Mand'alor's Mansion with him. Having had a chance to express their feelings to each other after their kiss in the workshop, Akiza had been surprised he hadn't asked sooner. Since they were both considered adults, such an arrangement wasn't uncommon and Akiza was more than happy to join him. Her presence in his new home had been a welcome change and it filled a void in his life. Not the void left by his father or Galbon, but a void Xerxes hadn't even realized was there. Xerxes still wasn't quite sure what that void was. It wasn't as if anything they did together was any different from before he became Mand'alor, they still practiced fighting techniques, went on hunts and spent time talking about all the things they did before. She even cooked for him just like she used to for the Fett brothers. He and Galbon had never been that good at it and they had no one else who could cook for them. But now it felt different. More like being a couple as opposed to just friends? Or because now they lived together? Or perhaps it was the growing Force bond Xerxes could feel between them?

Whatever the reason, Xerxes didn't mind. Being able to have such an intimate relationship with Akiza had been something that Xerxes had wanted for a long time. And now that he finally had it, he was afraid to lose it. The Jedi taught against attachments, especially the romantic kind, and if Xerxes were to join the Jedi then he would have to give that up. Losing the only other person left in his life was something he hated the idea of. But every time he focused on the Force, Xerxes felt that it was telling him to go in the direction of the Jedi Order. None of it made sense and he felt frustrated. After meditating that particular, day Xerxes decided he would go to the Oyu'baat Cantina and visit his friends. He could use a mug of sweet net'ra gal1 to soothe his nerves. Xerxes rode his Swoop Bike down to the Cantina. Upon entering, Xerxes felt the familiar rush of being carefree and the scent of spirits in the air. All the patrons greeted him in Mando'a whether he knew them or not. Xerxes had gotten used to wearing his armor whenever he went out and everyone had gotten used to it as well, like the helmet could have been his actual face. In short, his armor had become the image of the new Mand'alor, and it was an image that the Mandalorians readily showed the galaxy.

Tonight, Xerxes had come with the intent to unwind by spending time with his friends; Vlad, L'gann and the younger boys of the clan, Mark and Donnie, and drink as much net'ra gal as he could handle. Xerxes had just started on his second drink when he heard Vlad mention something about Galbon.

"Hold on." Xerxes interrupted Vlad by placing a hand on his shoulder. "What about Galbon? Is he alright? Did something happen to him?"

Vlad brushed Xerxes' hand off his shoulder, "No, he's fine. Nothing to worry about. I talked with him earlier today."

"You talked with him earlier today? What do you mean? I haven't heard from him since he left for Dromund Kaas."

Vlad appeared slightly taken aback by this. "Oh. Well, he calls us occasionally and lets us know how he is and what he's up to at the Sith Academy. Right, guys?"

Mark and Donnie nodded and agreed enthusiastically, bringing up all the things Galbon was learning from the Sith. They had always looked up to Galbon like an older sibling, so it was no surprise that Galbon would want to keep in contact with them. That didn't bother Xerxes, but…

"He calls you guys, but not me." Xerxes' gaze was unfocused as he looked down at his net'ra gal while speaking. Did Galbon hate him that much? That he'd rather talk to anyone except Xerxes? "Xerxes, look." Vlad began. "I'm sure he's not…"

Xerxes quickly grabbed his helmet and rammed it on to his head. One thing he'd learned about the helmet was that no one could see or hear what you were really feeling inside when you wore it. A mask to become unfeeling and hide in plain sight. "I think I'm gonna head home," Xerxes said. "Call it a night." Xerxes did his best to make sure his voice didn't betray the frustration he now felt bubbling up inside him. He left the building before anyone could object or say anything otherwise.

It was a quiet, moonless night as Xerxes walked briskly over to his Swoop Bike. He placed the palms of his hands on the side panels of the bike and leaned against it, trying to contain all of the pent-up frustration, doubt, and self-pity that he had been holding in since he became Mand'alor. But after hearing that Galbon had been purposefully ignoring him, all of that pressure had become too much. Xerxes threw his arms up into the air, screaming in primal rage. Without even thinking, Xerxes unsheathed his hidden blades and began stabbing at the nearest thing he could find. With each thrust, the emotional dam cracked, burst, and completely fell apart. It needed to get out. He wanted it out. He had to get it all out. He didn't care if whatever he was taking his frustration out on got destroyed, he had to get it out. He kept stabbing and screaming and stabbing until at long last he couldn't stab anymore. Xerxes quietly fell to his knees, exhausted, allowing the tears to stream down his face. He'd have to clean the inside of his helmet later, but at that moment it didn't matter. Nothing about his life made sense anymore and he felt like an absolute failure. As a Force user, as Mand'alor, and as a brother.

"You know, you're going to have to pay for that." Xerxes looked up and noticed that L'gann had been observing him while leaning against one of the nearby buildings with his hands in his pockets.

"Huh?"

"That bag of feed you just stabbed the ever-loving-hell out of. The owner is not gonna be happy about that. Or his Roba's for that matter."

Xerxes looked down at his would-be victim and saw that he had indeed destroyed a bag of animal feed in his rage. "Yeah, well," Xerxes cleared his throat, "He, ahem, he had it coming."

"Uh huh." L'gann walked up to Xerxes and eyed him for an uncomfortably long time. "I'm not gonna pretend to understand what you're going through or to ask if you want to talk about it, but there is something I want to show you. Something I should've shown you a while ago. Follow me."

…

Xerxes ended up following L'gann back to Mand'alor's Mansion. Akiza would more than likely be preparing meals for the next day at this hour. The pattern of their daily life together had become so routine that Xerxes could practically predict it. He rather enjoyed it. It felt like the only thing he could rely on to stay the same anymore. Xerxes opened the front doors and escorted L'gann inside. "Akiza!" he called out. "I'm home and your father is here with me."

Akiza's head poked around the doorframe of the kitchen, her smile appeared as she caught sight of her father. Xerxes noticed the flour covered apron she wore as she rushed to her father and embraced him. She must have been baking some sort of pies or bread. L'gann sighed as he held his daughter, "There's my baby girl. It hasn't been the same at home without you."

"And I'm sure you're doing just fine without me." Akiza smiled as she pulled back and placed her hands on her hips. "But what are you doing here so early? I'd have thought you two would still be out at the Oyu'baat at this time of night."

L'gann put his hands in his pockets, "We were, but from what I've been able to gather, Galbon has been keeping in contact with everyone except for Xerxes. On purpose. So, you can imagine how that made him feel and how he reacted."

Akiza turned to Xerxes in concern and cupped her hands around his face. "Oh, cyar'ika2, I'm so sorry." Xerxes took his left hand and held her hand against his face. He stroked her soft skin with his thumb as he attempted to reassure her.

"It's alright, love. I think I'll be okay."

"Right!" L'gann called out as he clapped his hands together. "This isn't why I brought you here. I've brought you here because it's time you saw your father's grave."

…

The small tomb that L'gann had brought them to was directly underneath the armory through a secret passage. The space within was no more than fifteen feet in diameter and in the center was the grave of Mand'alor the Father, Abram Merrel. At the head of the grave was a small stone pillar with a silver and red helmet resting on top of it. The helmet had belonged to Abram. Xerxes supposed that L'gann and Tai had set it up in this manner as a way to honor their friend. Most Mandalorians didn't get a personally marked grave and very few of the Mand'alors did. Almost always, the dead were remembered by the family wearing a piece of their armor. The dead returned to dust and the armor didn't go to waste. Xerxes, L'gann, and Akiza all stood in reverent silence while observing the grave. Xerxes began wondering why they were there when L'gann walked up to the helmet and started speaking to it.

"Sorry it's been so long since my last visit, Abram. Been busy keeping things together while you're gone." There was an old Mandalorian saying that the dead were never really gone, just marching far away. For L'gann to be addressing his deceased friend in such a manner was completely normal. L'gann continued, "We did as you asked and held the Mand'alor competition just like you wanted. And you'll be happy to know that it was Xerxes who came out on top. He's been doing a good job so far, but he seems to be struggling with what it truly means to be Mand'alor." L'gann turned and faced Xerxes as he continued talking. "And I think it's time we taught him exactly what that means. Xerxes, do you remember why Abram's title was Mand'alor the Father?"

Xerxes automatically answered with what had always been the reason why, "Because of all of the children he adopted."

"Nope. That's not it." Xerxes brow furrowed in confusion. "How about this one then? What does the word Mando'ade translate into?"

"It means children of Mand'alor."

"Right. You see, Abram decided to take that meaning literally. In his eyes all Mandalorians were his children. Meaning he needed to care for them all like they were his children. Provide for them. Protect them. He had chosen the title of Mand'alor the Father long before he gained his reputation for adopting children. Because that's what being Mand'alor meant to him and what it has come to mean again. So, with that in mind, what does being Mand'alor mean to you, Xerxes?"

Xerxes looked down at his hands and pondered L'gann's question. He thought about the subtle meanings and interpretations of the words Mand'alor and Mando'ade. He considered what it was he was capable of and what was expected of him and the choices that had been laid before him. "It means", Xerxes began, "that I need to be able to provide things for my people that they aren't capable of getting themselves. That I need to teach them how to be stronger and show them who they can trust and rely on."

L'gann nodded his head in approval. "And what about the Sith?" he asked Xerxes. "They've taken away the option to be potential allies. So, that makes them…?"

A sense of dread crawled up the back of Xerxes neck. Xerxes answered, "A potential threat." He allowed the words to hang in the air before continuing. "It means one day they'll be back for what they couldn't get from us the first time. Sacrificing Galbon merely staved off their eventual attack and we'll need to be ready for them."

"And do you think, Xerxes, that we're capable of stopping them as we are? As you are now, do you think you'll be able to hold off even one Sith Lord?"

Clarity and realization erupted in Xerxes mind, flooding him with a sense of purpose. "No." Xerxes declared. "And we never will be. I never will be." Xerxes clenched his fists in determination. "Unless I train as Tai Zhan's apprentice with the Jedi."

Xerxes looked up into the face of L'gann. Every fiber of Xerxes' being and even the Force were telling him that this choice was the correct path. The only path. L'gann placed a hand on Xerxes' shoulder and met his gaze with equal determination. "Then I guess you know what you need to do next. Right, Mand'alore?"

"Yes."

"What should I tell the clan leaders?"

"Exactly what we discussed. That I'm going to train with the Jedi in order to be the best Mand'alor I can be."

L'gann smiled, withdrew his hand and began leaving the chamber. "Alright. I'll gather the clan leaders in the morning and tell them. Guess that means I'm the go-to-guy again. *Sigh* I hadn't thought of that."

Xerxes and Akiza were left alone in the chamber with Abram's grave. Xerxes could feel Akiza's emotions churning through the Force. She wasn't happy, she wasn't angry, but she wasn't sure how to feel. Xerxes decided to let her say something first rather than try to tell her how she should feel. He knew there was a possibility he would lose her with this decision, but…

"Xerxes?" she finally spoke. "Are you sure about this?"

Xerxes looked at his fist and then into his lover's amber eyes. "Yes." He simply stated. "I don't like the idea of maybe losing you or being away from home, but it feels right. If I stay here, I won't become strong enough to fight off an army of Sith in time and everything I'll have done as Mand'laor with have been for nothing." Xerxes drew a steadying breath, and let it back out. "I have to do this. For all of us."

Akiza smiled sadly. "You know it's hard to say no to you when you get that look in your eye?" She cupped her hands around his face and held his gaze on her. "It's one of the reasons I fell for you." She pulled his forehead to rest on hers. "I suppose this means you'll be gone for a long time?" Xerxes could hear the sadness in her voice even though she was trying not to let it show.

"Maybe." Xerxes replied. "For all we know the Jedi won't accept me for training anyway and that'll be that."

"I doubt it. They'd be fools not to."

"You're probably right. In any case, I won't be leaving right away… so, we have some time to, um, you know…" a small blush began to cover Xerxes' face as he tried to allude his meaning to Akiza. Her eyes took on a mischievous glint.

She giggled. "Shall I prepare your chambers then, Mand'alor?"

Xerxes suddenly felt both excited and nervous at the predator that he had unwittingly unleashed standing before him. "Ha ha. Yeah, you do that. I just, um." Xerxes ran a hand through his hair. "Ahem, I need to make a call really quick first. So, I'll be up in a minute."

Akiza ran her index finger down his lower lip. "Don't keep me waiting too long." She then sauntered away up the stairs, her hips swaying suggestively before him. Xerxes lightly bit his knuckle in anticipation following her movements with his eyes until she was out of sight.

Xerxes sighed. "Man, I must be really stupid to be doing this." He pulled his holo-communicator off his belt, punched in the contact information and waited until the holographic form of Jedi Master Tai Zhan appeared in his hands.

"Xerxes!" the Jedi answered. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Right, Xerxes thought. Here goes. "So, that position for apprentice you brought up last time. Is that spot still available?"

1 Black ale- sweet, almost spicy black beer

2 Darling, sweetheart