-Track...wait! When did these start becoming tracks?-

-

Bella Swan commonly known as Belle-Buggy by her friends or rather just the two, was currently stretched across the queen bed inhaling the sweet exotic scent of...

"Why do your sheets smell so good?" Her brown eyes turned to the girl currently rested on the lazy-boy. Mike Newton, who had somehow weaseled his way into their tight nit circle, was sprawled on the floor in front of the bed reading. "Do you know what she uses?"

"Not a clue-what is up with girls and there smelly stuff."

"You know, when you say it like that you make it sound gross." Bella scrunched her nose. "Haven't you noticed that this entire place smells really good? It's sweet and soft..."

"What are you talking about?" Mike grunted. "This place smells like any other place sure it has a scent...wait!" He zeroed in on Kaye who by now had her face buried in her book attempting the ground to open up and eat her. "This place smells like Stalker Cullen."

"It does not!" Resisting the urge to throw her book at Mike, which she really wanted to do, Kaye turned to Bella and smiled warmly, the kind of smile that screams 'Make him stop or I will resort to violence doing so'.

"I don't think it smells like him." Bella shrugged. "Besides, shouldn't it worry you if it did? That would mean that Edward was in her apartment like, all the time. As the boy irritatingly in love with Kaye you should be worried."

"Who says I'm in love with Kaye?"

Bella lifted her head from the mattress and gave him a look one that plainly said 'you're kidding right?' which made his face go red obviously affronted.

"Ok now maybe I had a thing for her in the beginning but I know better now."

"Hey!" Kaye threw down her book. "What the hell does that mean?"

"What I mean is, going out on two dates with you gave me greater sympathy for what guys go through in combat." He said. "No offense, my lovely ball-buster."

"None taken." Kaye shrugged relaxing on her chair with a sigh.

"Lovely." Bella giggled. "But really, am I the only one here concerned about the fact that this entire place smells like Edward Cullen. Does he live here or something?"

"Well," Mike looked up at her his blue eye twinkling. "he has been stalking Kaye since you left and when I say stalking I mean the guy is everywhere! We went to Hallmark to buy some Christmas cards and guess who just happened to be there perusing?"

"Maybe it was a coincidence."

"Yeah that's what I thought," He continued his story now sitting Indian style gazing for a moment at an annoyed Kaye before turning to Bella with a light blush-how he liked the girl! "but then we hit the movies-he sat in the back row. We went for a coffee at Starbucks and he was behind us in line. We drove to the store to pick up our paychecks and he was buying hunting gear."

By now Bella's brown eyes were wide. She hugged a nearby pillow close to her chest getting more and more afraid. "Really?"

"Yeah. Then things became violent."

"What? He hurt you Kaye?" She asked her friend who was looking out the window pointedly ignoring them.

"What? Pft! No. Kaye starting beating him up. I didn't think it was possible for a guy to live with the amount of times she injured his balls." Mike winced at a particularly fresh memory. "Then there was the clothes thing. Do you know how hard was to get all her old clothes back?"

"Wow, Kaye, you should really call the police. No, call my dad. He'll take care of it."

"It's alright." Kaye assured with a smile on her face. "Your dad knows I can handle myself and c'mon, what kinda person would I be if I alleviated the source of entertainment this community has acquired by my so called violence?"

"So called violence?" Mike asked incredulously. "You slammed his head into a concrete wall. I though he was gonna die!"

"Well maybe he shouldn't have been trying to take away my smokes."

The look that passed both Bella and Mike's face shouted something along the lines of are you kidding. But then they both knew well enough that if Edward hadn't stopped after something like that then there was nothing they could do. For Mike it was a source of endless entertainment for Bella it was the source of much anxiety.

Really, if Kaye wanted to get shipped off to prison for killing someone then who was Bella to interfere?

Maybe having a friend in prison would be fun.

-

Mika and Bella had left as soon as it turned ten thirty stating that while Kaye was alright staying in all day that they wanted to enjoy their youth and go out for a movie (which Kaye would have joined but one glare from Mike and she declined).

As soon as she herd the SUV pull away did the auditable click of her window sound and Edward I kick puppies Cullen appeared, sitting on the window sill in what he must have assumed was a sexy pose.

It wasn't.

"So their dating?" He started the conversation as Kaye scrambled around the kitchen area making tea.

Since Cullen wasn't looking at her like a Happy Meal she decided to be semi nice by giving him a cup. Not that he could drink it but the hot mug would warm his hands a bit making the marble more pleasant when he decided to touch her against her will with slightly chilled hands rather then pure ice. (After which she would promptly kick his ass like she always did, make no mistake, she hates his guts.)

"Mike's trying, Bella's just clueless. Now," She leaned against the sink crossing her arms. "What brings you here oh magical woman repellant."

"I'm not repellant, woman usually find me irresistible." He gave her his academy award winning crooked smile which probably worked on a lot of girls like Lauren and Jessica (and surprisingly Tyler)-it had no effect of Kaye however, which seemed to make him even happier.

"You'd think that since I'm a girl, my opinion that you give off no desirable lusty feelings would carry more weight. But no, not you. You'd rather carry on like an idiot and smile like the pervert you claim not to be then to listen to what I have to say."

He grinned wider.

Kaye scowled deeper.

His wiggled his thick eyebrows.

Kaye hit him in the face with a frying pan.

"What was that for?!" Edward half shouted, a hand holding his now healing cracked left cheek. His eyes were black, a danger sign to Kaye that she never took that seriously, and he scowled when she laughed. "It's not funny. That actually hurt."

"What like all the other pains I've given you have mere been tickles?" She shrugged, the frying pan incredibly dented, still in her hands. "I have to try harder now."

Instead of sashaying out the window in a cloud of eternal teenage brood, which he always did, Kaye was taken by surprise by the idiotic vampire's sudden brazenness as he...

BAM!

"What the hell Cullen?"

"I thought you'd like it. The moment seemed right."

SWIPE~

BAM!

BAM!!

BAM!!!

"Like hell! Who do you think you are kissing me like that you freak! You have venom Eddie, V-E-N-O-M! Damn it all my mouth is going numb." She felt her mouth filled with saliva; her tongue was starting to swell slightly so she shut her mouth with a loud snap.

The frying pan in her hand was a piece of twisted stainless steel that was unrecognizable. She glowered and while Edward nursed his aching cracked head he couldn't help but smile.

She was quiet now...satisfaction attained!

"You'll be alright the swelling and numbness will leave in about an hour-besides, it's not anything you aren't used to."

'Fuck your mother!' She thought quite loudly making him wince. 'I hate you, you pervert rapist freak!'

"I am not a PERVERT I am a gentleman!"

'Yeah right, because any ol' gentleman would stalk a girl, sneak into her house and completely ignore her rejection? Please! I bet you molest me in my sleep!'

"Why I never!' The word 'never' left his mouth in a high pitched squeak making Kaye internally cackle.

He was insulted now...Satisfaction attained!

She gave him one more smack to the head with her mangled frying pan and internally laughed loudly as he fell into a heap with a piercing cry.

Oh yes, she would have to invest in frying pans...glorious frying pans.

"...I'm going home." He said after collecting himself from the floor. He wobbled a bit before he gained his footing. "This has been nice."

'...sure it has...'

"I'm going to take the stairs this time, you know, something new."

'Yeah, yeah pretend that I didn't totally give you a vampire concussion. Be gone, shoo!' She waved him off throwing her frying pan on the bed. 'Try not to come back tonight; I need some time alone to process the shit that has become my life since I've met you.'

He was at the door in an instant, turning back smiling crookedly.

"You know, Katarina?"

'What the hell do you want? Leave already!'

"...you will fall in love with me."

He was gone before she could even think of what insult to throw at him.

Standing in the middle of her kitchen/bed room/living room, Kaye Winchester's eye boggled in surprise. It wasn't that Edward Cullen was never brazen, he was by nature. But the fact that he had the balls to actually tell her, as though he KNEW it was going to happen, that she would feel something like that...the only person she had ever loved was Byron.

Byron Jinks, her first boyfriend, love of her life cheating bastard who had slept with one of her best friends...right. And right now Edward the shimmering pixie fool Cullen had reminded her of him...Byron, that bastard!

'And so the lion fell in love with the lamb, isn't that how it went...well this lamb is a lot more cunning and homicidal.' She crossed her arms across her chest. 'I swear, before I make it back to my world, I am going to kill him.'


-

School, no matter in what world you were in, was hell. The work was easy-ish, math was really the only problem she actually had but everything else was easy sailing. Considering that in her world she was a month from graduating-all this was pretty simple.

Having only two classes with Bella and Mike was a little annoying since she didn't really know anyone else but she managed.

When Edward Cullen had somehow changed his schedule so that he had now all six classes with her, not just one, made her want to pull her teeth out.

Conning his way so that he was almost always seated next to her and partnered with her made her seriously think of dropping out because now he was everywhere.

Sneaking his way into her lunch table...that was just wrong!

Lunch was sacred!

...that ass-hole!

"So Edward, are you like, Kaye's boyfriend or something?" It was an innocent question, of course.

Jessica Stanley was a bit annoying with her cheer and her bubbly disposition. It had never bothered Kaye, until now.

Everyone seated there looked directly at Edward Cullen who looked far too innocent. Tyler and Lauren tried not sighing (it was funny since both were dating each other and seemed not to realize that they were both in love with the same person), Angela was a little curious, Ben didn't seem to really care, Eric was smiling glad that the conversation had been pulled away from teasing him to something else.

Bella and Mike's expression made Kaye want to pull a Toyotomi Hideyoshi and demand that they perform a suicidal Seppuku. Bella looked anxious and excited for Kaye while Mike's eyes were twinkling in mirth.

"Hm?" Edward merely grabbed hold of the back of Kaye chair and began toying with her hair, curling the strands with his fingers. "What would give you that idea?"

Jessica sputtered embarrassed as Kaye's fist landed a direct hit to Edward's balls...again. He toppled over and fell from his chair to the linoleum floor with a low cry.

"We are not and will never be a couple. I. Hate. Him." She began to chew on her pizza ignoring the looks that were directed at her and the sobbing ball of pain called Edward. The conversation turned to something else, very quickly while Mike laughed.

Emmett Cullen, who was not in school that day, he would regret ever playing hooky for the next twenty years.

Jasper, who was usually the good one, posted the video he ever so discreetly recorded on his phone, to YouTube.

Alice had already succumbed to laughter haveing already had that partu\icular vision.

Rosalie didn't give a damn.

"Hey Tyler, you gonna finish that taco?" Kaye asked as if nothing had happened.

Tyler angrily took a bite.

-

"...not that I'm a shy person or anything and I know that usually you never stoop this low unless it's important but, why exactly are you sitting in my bathroom as I am in the bath?"

"What? I cannot simply wish to bask in your company?"

"I lit candles that smell nice, I've got incense and there is even classical music going."

"I can see this Kaye; it's a very nice atmosphere...very calming?"

"This is Kaye's unwinding from a long Edward filled day. You are cutting into my self calming time. And since I know you're too much of a pussy to actually want to see my naked without my permission I have to, again, ask why? What do you want?"

"..."

"Don't play with candles brat, you might light you incredibly moosed up hair on fire and where the thought of you hurting yourself would send me into a fit of giggles I do not want you destroying any of my stuff."

"Ok, you've got me, are you happy? I feel like a fool."

"My work is done, I have concurred you're tremendous ego."

"I'll get to it then, the fact that you are nude despite the fact that you are covered is very disconcerting."

"Pansy."

"It's improper."

"Get to it brat."

"Fine...my family wants to meet you."

"...what?"

-

Kaye found herself in the living of a very impressive house. The glass walls set against the modernistic furniture gave way to something posh and sophisticated that reminded her of a New York penthouse.

She grew increasingly uncomfortable and her hitting hand itched wishing that she had a frying pan in her hand to hit something with.

Preferably the stupid vampire that had carried her over his shoulder against her will in order to gain approval from his vampire parents, who she didn't give a damn about meeting.

"You know, you could have dressed up a bit more nicely. Not that I dislike anything you wear," Edward whispered recalling in vivid detail the hit to his dangly bits after he had stolen all her clothes deeming them unattractive. "but you're meeting my family. It's important."

"To who, you psychopath? I did not agree to meet your family ok, I could care less. Why the hell did you bring me here anyway, I am not your girlfriend!"

"You will be."

Oh how she wished for a frying pan...the nerve of him the absolute gal!

"You're going to hit me aren't you?"

"..." She kicked him in the nuts, before apologizing to his parents after which she walked straight out the door in a huff.

"Well son, she sure is...exuberant." Carlisle said slowly trying to easy the absolute shock.

"You just have to try to get along. You shouldn't tease her so much."

Edward, after collecting himself from the ground and smiled wistfully, making Carlisle slightly uncomfortable and Esme smile. "She's a challenge I will admit, this chase of cat and mouse is very amusing."

Emmett held out his hand laughing as Jasper grudgingly deposited a wad of bills into his hand. The burly vampire laughed childishly.

"A bets a bet."

"But how on earth did you know she would his him below the belt after ten minutes of being in the house?"

"Have you not paid attention to this girl? She hates Eddie; her one true joy in life is to make him writhe in a pain." He wiped away a fake tear. "A woman after my own heart."

-

"You've beaten my brother."

"Yeah?"

"You've humiliated him."

"So what?"

"...You don't salivate over him or worship the ground he walks on."

"No I don't. Does this conversation have a point or are you just stating facts that I already know just for the excuse to talk to me?"

Rosalie Hale extended her hands a look of approval in her bronze colored eyes.

"You have my approval."

Kaye almost gulped; she had never seen someone so beautiful look so completely lifeless-it was like looking at a giant Barbie doll only prettier.

She took the hand and grasped it firmly in a shake.

"Wait, approval? Like you think I'm with your brother? No way! I hate him."

"Oh no, I know that. I approve of you because of your choices. It's hard to find any humans with a brain."

"So you aren't mad?"

"Why would I be mad...I haven't had this much fun since I died." She pulled her hand back. "What I don't understand is why he cares for you the way he does. I'm not trying to be insulting but you come off completely boyish."

"You want the truth? Well how can I put this delicately? I'm your average girl, but your brother Edward... when we first met... he fell in love with me because he thought I was a man." It was said in serious deadpan.

Kaye felt herself cracking under Rosalie's indifferent bronze eyes but stood still trying to keep up the uncaring front failing epically when Rosalie Hale almost fell over in raucous laughter.

-

"My family likes you."

"So what?" Kaye asked turning over in her bed. Her hand went underneath her pillow reaching for her new frying pan only to have it out of reach. She noted, with displeasure, that Cullen was holing it in his hands.

"Nothing." He said. The light from the moon outside made his body shimmer, lighting his features in such a way he looked like a statue...or, what Kaye thought, like a pixie drenched in glitter. "I'm just happy." He was brightly smiling.

Kaye had never in her life wanted to hurt him more.

"You're happy? No wonder I wanna smack you." She settled for throwing her alarm clock at his head. "Creepy Stalker."

-

A little less funny huh well sorry about that I just wanted to update quickly. Anyway, another thanks to Gravitation (Eiri specifically).

Next chapter I hope to introduce Jacob and the wolf pack who might just witness more violence to come to Edward's already beaten genitalia.

Why does he keep coming back for more? Well, I take it that he's a masochist. Kaye's abuse towards him is probably a secret turn on.

Review please I would love more reviews in order to update quicker. No flames...this is humor, parody...it isn't to be taken seriously so if you are a die hard Edward fan then...you probably should have stopped reading at chapter 1.

Seriously, if this is offending you then you've no one to blame but yourself. This is chapter 3...if it hurts you then why did you read to chapter 3?

Anyway, no flames but reviews are welcome!

-Karin.