And so the Lion (1) fell in love with the Homicidal Munchkin cat (2) which caught the eye of the Wolf (3) who was also in love with Lamb (4) who was, unknowingly only to herself, dating the Golden Retriever (5)
[We call this the 'Wackadoo (6) Love Pentagon']
-
The diner in which Kaye quietly sat was a common place for the hard working man and woman. Sometimes she would just sit in the back booth observing all the people coming in and out with a lack of actual interest while at other times she would give snippets here and there of her own accounts of her hard life.
At the moment she was sitting across Officer Swan and Michal Newton (Senior). Kaye and Officer Swan were having their usual late night dinners which was a normal sigh but for Mr. Newton, chomping down on food that, as he said 'I don't need that woman's cooking this is better anyway' was here only because he'd been tossed from the house.
"So you're telling me that, you bought a vacuum cleaner for your wife on your 20th anniversary?" Officer Swan had a look of amusement flitter over his face in lieu of disbelief. It seemed that Mr. Newton's blunders were a common place for the police chief who pat his back sympathetically.
"She was complaining about our old one."
"I'm surprised she didn't throw it at you." Kaye said as she laughed into her cup of black coffee. "You buy a woman flowers and woo her to make her remember why she fell in love with you. Right now, she must be wondering why she did in the first place."
"Kaye!"
"Sorry Charlie."
Mr. Newton had a look of indignation on his face. He might put up a fight, Kaye figured, but probably not. He looked all around defeated and tired. "Maybe."
"My couch is open." Officer Swan added in. "Bella makes great breakfast in the morning-if you're still hungry after this, there's leftovers in the fridge."
"She with Mike?"
"Yep." Officer Swan said. He pushed his plate of food away and leaned back against the cracked red plastic booth and turned his attention to Kaye to the relief of Mr. Newton. "So Kaye, what brings you here on a Friday night?"
"What, I can't enjoy your company? Does there have to be a reason I'm anywhere but at home?"
"Yep."
Before Kaye could say anything there was an annoyingly high pitched Jingle.
She fished into her pocket for her phone and stared at it for a fraction of a second before flipping it opened.
"What now?...no...dinner? I just had dinner...what do you mean you went all out?...I don't have to ask your permission to have dinner with the guys...No, Jacob Black isn't with me-he is not a pervert! I'm with Officer Swan and Mr. Newton. Yes, Mike's dad."
Mr. Newton looked smug, Officer Swan nudged him in the ribs and both men stared amusedly at the girl across them.
"Stop nagging all the time!...Oh so it's my fault you're an idiot?...no don't cry...damn it stop crying!...Fine!...I'll be there right now...yeah ok whatever...you want me to what?...no...No...I am not calling you that...fine... (In small voice) sugar hips..."
The phone snapped shut, a horrible flush brightened Kaye's pale cheeks as she shoved the bane of her existence into her pocket.
"So," Mr. Newton began. "Marriage troubles?"
"...I've gotta go otherwise I might just be bunking with Bella tonight." Kaye placed a twenty beside her plate and made her goodbyes as she slid out of the booth ignoring Mr. Newton's question all together. Before she was out of earshot she heard Officer Swan's voice call out to her a final time.
"Tell the Missus we say hello."
Then Mr. Newton added; "Apologize to Edward for us, for keeping you away."
The diner door shut with a slam as Kaye practically ran off but not before she shouted back at both men; "Go to hell!"
Which promptly sent both spiraling into laughter.
-
"Oh Kaye you're home!" Edward, now in his usual attire of funny ruffled pink and yellow apron and bandana with pink and yellow stars, was standing by the door as Kaye entered. He had a pleased look on his face and his usual I'm going to try to devour you only with your agreement that we marry first grin
He held out his hand for her coat and scarf which she grudgingly gave him without saying a word.
"I've had to put dinner away since you decided to eat with 'the guys"-doesn't it bother Bella and Mike that you are diner buddies with their fathers?"
She still said nothing, not a trace of emotion in her face as she pulled off her shoes. Edward continued speaking without notice.
"Leah Clearwater called; she said that she's gotten off punishment and that she is free for a Sunday fishing trip. Rosalie called and added that she would be delighted to take you out on Saturday with Alice for shopping."
Still not a word as she passed him and made her way to the bathroom, she washed her hands a bit too slowly staring at him through the mirror.
"You've got homework to finish also-Bella came by and left you some books she told me to tell you that she and Mike were going to the movies in town and wanted you to go along."
Kaye passed him and made her way to the kitchen. He was standing behind her now, still speaking. "Also, my mother wants us to go over for dinner on Wednesday."
BAM!
The frying pan made a nice hollow sound against Edward's face. He fell to the floor due to the assault.
BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM! (Rapid succession)
"What the hell gives you the right to call me every forty-five minutes like you're my damn wife?"
"Well if you...ow...told me where you were going and what you were doing I wouldn't be so worried. I've stopped following you. Isn't that enough?"
BAM!!
"No!"
BAM!!!
"Stop hitting me with that frying pan, you're going to break it!"
BAM!!!!
"Good!"
The frying pan fell out of her hands. Kaye felt her palm and fingers tingling from the hard hits and smiled with satisfaction finally attained. The humiliation from his earlier call forgotten she bypassed the writhing ball of Edward and sat on her lazy boy.
"Did you record the game, Stalker?"
"I did. The tape is in the VCR."
She turned on the TV and pressed the play button on the VCR. She leaned back and sighed happily as the football game came into view.
"Hey Eddie, get me a beer would ya?"
It was in her hands before she had time to turn around. Behind her Edward soothed his aching cracked face as it began to heal. Kaye could have sworn she saw him 'crying' which to anyone else looked like heavy breathing with a pinch of brood. "The things I do for love."
"Now this is what I call a good day."
-
"So Cullen is like, your boyfriend?"
An odd sense of déjà vu hit Kaye in the face.
'Are you and Edward Cullen a couple?'
Oh yeah, Bella had asked something similar in chapter 2.
"No. Hell no."
"Then why is he living with you?" Jake asked tossing another rock into the water. He'd been trying to teach Kaye how to skip rocks, a game he called it.
Which ended up with a very angry and annoyed Kaye.
"Fuck this game!" She had shouted.
She rubbed the back of her neck a bit nervously. The last time she and Jake had been hanging out it had been with Bella and Mike to the movies. Both boys sat with Bella between them, both hands on the armrests facing up hoping to hold Bella's hand.
Bella-sweet Belle-Buggy-hadn't held anyone's hand.
"He's there every time I call and word around town is that he's your 'wife'?" He shrugged. "I dunno what's going on between you two."
"Nothing's going on." Kaye looked up at him, her eyes instantly lighting up as they caught his smile. "Seriously there is nothing going on between Edward Cullen and me."
"Good," Jake said. "Because he's bad news anyway. His whole family is."
"Ah, now you're going to regal me with Quileute myths."
"I was but I can see it's not really wanted." He grinned. "not like I can tell you much more then what you know anyway, even if I wanted to."
Ah, Kaye thought, that pivotal part of the second movie where Jacob makes Bella remember the myth about his people...a dramatic scene that was totally sullied with Taylor Lautner's pectorals of doom ™.
"You werewolves are so weird." It was out of her mouth before she had time to stop herself after which she thought, 'too much?' which was obviously the case.
Kaye hadn't wanted to get involved in the plot of this story any more then what she was. She didn't want to talk about imprinting (her friend Christy couldn't stop complaining about in back in the real world), nor did want to ever see Jake's furry little problem.
Currently Jake was doing a great impression of a fish out of water, his black eyes tiny little dots as the world seemed to fade around him. He was shaking violently and Kaye made herself inch away just a bit-if by a bit you mean several feet behind him.
'Great...he's going to turn into a giant dog wolf thing and here I am, all by my lonesome and when I need my stupid stalker wife he isn't even here. There is irony somewhere in this but I can't place it.'
"What did you say?"
"Join Russia, da?!" (7)
"..." Twitch.
"Your breasts belong to Korea?" (8)
"..." Twitch. Spasm.
"Pasta?" (9)
"..." Twitch. Spasm. Twitch.
"...Uugu...?" (10)
The violent shaking stopped but the deer in the headlights look stayed in his expression. He pivoted, looking straight at her. "No...No, no. You said werewolves. You called me a werewolf." He rubbed his chin. "How did you know?"
"Wow! Jake you're a werewolf? This is the first I've ever heard about it!" She said over enthusiastically. "Man I an so terrified of you and so shocked by this piece of information that I am going to go home and think about it, right now!" She ran up ahead. "See you!"
"Hey wait! Get back here!"
"What I can't hear you! The wind is too loud!"
"Damn it Kaye!"
-
One week and an excitable Edward later-
"What has you so happy?"
"We're on a double date and you haven't been parading around the beach with that dog for a week."
"This isn't a date. My friends, who happen to be dating, invited you along since you seem to forever be anywhere I am. As for not being around Jake? We're busy people." Kaye looked back towards the movie screen. In the back of her mind she was killing Mike for inviting Edward with them to the movies. Already the vampire had been trying to hold her hand or put his arm around her shoulders and the movie hadn't even started yet.
"Going out with friends who happen to be dating like this means that this is a double date." Edward said with a knowing tone. "And about Jacob...does this mean you've stopped cheating on me?"
BAM! (Frying pan lands its hit in a place that isn't Edward's head.)
"You know Kaye maybe, you shouldn't have hit him in the balls with your frying pan." Mike gave his opinion. His legs were closed closely together and his face twisted in pity at the sight of a writhing Edward who had collapsed to the ground. "Why the hell did you bring a frying pan into the theater anyway?"
Bella, who was sitting at Mike's other side, tapped his shoulder and leaned in close to his ear. "Mike, you're better just not giving out any sort of opinion or asking any questions. This is Kaye. Kaye is insane. That's all you need to know."
The previews rolled to a close and now the movie had started. Edward had collected himself enough to crawl into the chair as Kaye polished her frying pan. Mike help Bella's hand tightly in his.
"But where did the frying pan come from is what I want to know. She didn't bring a purse. It's like she pulled it from thin air."
Bella shrugged.
"Magic." (11)
-
Karin: Not as great but I got to show off more Wife Edward. I know it's weird that Kaye knows Charlie and Mr. Newton so much as calling them "the guys". I sum it up to this, Mike and Bella are dating. Since Kaye gets along with Charlie she has dinner with him at the diner every so often and has met Mr. Newton. Kaye has a 'one of the guys' mentality and they humor her.
Her commiseration is about Edward. She was trying to get away from him. Edward bought her a cell phone to keep track of her. (do not be shocked to find that he tracks her every move with it either)
Kaye and Jake are friends at the moment but may turn into something a little bit more-not surpassing a crush since Kaye wouldn't go as low as to date someone she deems a child. She enjoys looking at him and he thinks she's hilarious.
Edward is obviously jealous of their friendship which is why he was practically glowing in the last scene before Kaye knocked him in the nuts with frying pan. He was happy since Kaye was avoiding Jake and probably vise versa.
This chapter is cut in half. The later half will be updated probably later today or tomorrow-why? I've got to leave the house to go to my nieces birthday party so I wont be home for a while. I've been cutting it close writing this. The second portion will deal with the Love Pentagon mentioned earlier and introduces characters like Alice, Leah and Sam.
Joy.
This was intended to be a one shot parody but has written itself as a full on multi-chaptered story. I feel that I should come up with an actual conclusion in which pairings should be established...damn it.
(1) Edward is the Lion with wife like qualities obviously.
(2) Kaye is the Munchkin Cat with homicidal tendencies...look up the Munchkin Cat it'll come up on Wikipedia...she's the kitten. They're so tiny (Kaye is short) and fluffy (Kaye's hair does not do with humidity so it looks a little puffy) and they're unassumingly evil-or at least Kaye is.
(3) Jacob is a Werewolf.
(4) Bella is the Lamb...obviously.
(5) Kaye called Mike a puppy. In her mind he's a Golden Retriever...it makes so much sense.
(6) Wackadoo is a person beyond crazy in this case everyone has succumbed to being Wackadoos-you know...
(7) "Join Russia, da?" is Russia's catch phrase from Hetalia Axis Powers.
(8) "Your breasts belong to Korea!" Is (probably) Korea's catch phrase in the Hetalia Axis Powers manga only.
(9) "Pasta!" Is Italy's catch phrase from the Hetalia Axis Powers.
(10) "Uggu." is Ayu's catch phrase from the anime Kanon.
(11) "Magic." Is light homage to Harry Potter and the Real Girl, the story in which Kaye originated-the serious flip side to this one in which Kaye-who is not a fan of Harry Potter series- falls into the world of Harry Potter gets to befriend the characters, gets kidnapped by Death Eaters all while trying to get home. It's sort of like this one where it depends on reviews to be updated only Harry potter and the Real Girl is an interactive story in which the readers determine the pairings and the fates of certain characters.
Character Bio number 1:
Katarina Merope Winchester.
(Her middle name has no value to this story but a major importance to Harry Potter and the Real Girl...yes this is shameless promotion on my part!)
Age: 17 in the Real World, 18 in the Twilight world
-since in the real world it was late May and in the Twilight world it is around early March-technically Kaye's birthday has already passed since there is a ten month time gap. Kaye's birthday is February 14th-
Favorite food: Coffee, tomato (just the tomato), hamburgers, any kind of Thai food and meatloaf.
Favorite color: Orange
Favorite Book: Bram Stoker's Dracula
Personality: Brash, vulgar, mischievous and ill tempered. She loves coffee, loves to smoke and drink (sometimes) and adores her extensive book collection (back home). She has only ever had one boyfriend named Byron Jinks her neighbor since forever. The relationship dwindled when Kaye caught Byron in bed with her best friend Molly. Often she refers to Byron as a Harry Potter look alike since he was knobby before puberty and that he has jet black hair, sparkling green eyes and wears glasses sometimes.
Despite her rough attitude Kaye is actually very shy and insecure about her looks. This may be why she reacts so violently to people coming into her personal space-since she has always been very short (five foot inches tall on the dot), always had thick brown hair. She feels normal and invisible most of the time but sometimes her big breasts make her feel that she stands out. Another reason why she reacted so violently to Edward when he saw her topless-she hates her breasts.
Unlike the story Harry Potter and the Real Girl you get to see Kaye's interest more. Kaye is an avid anime and manga fan. She enjoys K-on Gender bend, her favorite anime is Hetalia and she enjoys Key animation's works. Her frying pan is homage to Hetalia's Hungary character that uses a frying pan as a weapon. Kaye's underwear in chapter one has England's face on the front and it could be said that her personality is a mixture of South Italy and Spain as she is violent and rash but cannot read the atmosphere at all. Her relationship with Edward is also homage to Hetalia's South Italy and Spain. As South Italy violently reacts to Spain who loves him and mothers him no matter what. Spain is Edward in this situation and Kaye is South Italy.
Bella, Mike and Jacob seem to be her only friends. This is due to the fact that Kaye is very shy and doesn't like to surround herself with a lot of people. She also secretly dreams of creating her own Bad Touch Trio like Hetalia's France, Spain and Prussia. This will comically come up in later chapters...
More character profiles coming soon!
Read. Review. Don't flame. I eat reviews in order to update quickly!