Edward Cullen's

[Precious Little Life!]

THE COLLEGE YEARS!

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Which means there was, yet again, another time skip in which our favorite band of Merry Merriest Merry Doers have all gotten into Evergreen. They've moved in together and have begun leading normal young adult "I live off of wonder bread and ramen" lives. I bet you wish you could have read about the tumultuous senior year in which Bella finally understood Mike's feelings. I bet it would have been awesome to read about Seth Clearwater becoming bff's with Jessica and becoming regular Con goers right? How about Kaye and the gang saying goodbye to Forks High and her studio apartment on graduation day?

Well yeah...sorry about that. I just didn't have the energy to write it, no one ever reviews anymore and you know what? I am the ruler of the universe of this story so BLEH! What I say goes. (I can only do this in the confidence that no one is reading this story or will review)

"You know some would misconstrue this as a date."

"Well, they would be most assuredly wrong."

"How did it end up like this, I mean, us. Here right now, alone. Together."

"...we didn't make such a scene right?"

"We did, I really think we did."

Staring up at the window, the blue curtains billowing towards the window from the fan inside. Droplets of water began to trickle from the gray sky above soaking the two lonely occupants standing beneath the window bellow, standing on the cold concrete and seething in self appointed anger for the younger one while the other merely sighed in defeat.

"I hate you, Jacob Black." Edward Cullen said. He ran his large white hands through his bronze colored hair grimacing as the light behind the window, went out.

This meant that one of two things-either stay outside all night long or to attempt to apologize his way back inside. Neither would hold any certainty that he would be let back into the apartment from the dog house or even forgiven but Edward felt he should apologize. Since it was half his fault, after all, he wasn't going to place all of the blame of the stinking dog. Most of it yes, but not all.

"Hey, don't bring me into this! All I did was ask her to go out with me after her classes-you were the one who jumped to conclusions on your own." Jacob snarled. He was, technically, in the same boat only he had the option to drive all the way back to La Push. "Only you would assume I was asking her to sleep with me or something, you obsessive freak."

"Well, how was I to know that it was only to a movie with the rest of the pack? I thought you were declaring your feelings or something along those terms, after all, I've seen the way you look at her and remember," Edward tapped his temple. "I can hear everything in that pebble you call a brain."

"Alright, I'll admit that I think she's cute and sure, I think less then stellar thoughts about her but it's only when she wears something skimpy and tight-I think the same about Bella, only more. You know, I like Bella. B-E-L-L-A." He crossed his muscled arms across his chest. "And I do not have a pebble for a brain. Just because we all can't go to high school for fifty years doesn't make us stupid, asshole."

"Ah-well, you'd benefit from it. Really, I assure you."

"Bite me!" Jacob scowled. "I don't see why you're so happy-you've just been booted from the apartment."

Edward shrugged.

"Well, I think of it like this: Mike and Bella will be home soon and will let me in."

Edward should have been worried about that the scowl that had been on Jacob's face had turned into the biggest shit eating, pleased as pie, grin of the likes Edward had ever seen. The wolfy teenager went through his pockets, took out his car keys and began to skip towards his parked car leaving Edward thoroughly perplexed. It occurred to Edward much later that Mike and Bella were back in Forks visiting their parents.

'Well, isn't this just a spot of dandy?' Mike's voice rung through Edward's head at approximately seven o'clock the next morning from the other line of the cellular phone and it became clear as crystal that Jacob Fucking Black had tipped Mike and Bella off. Oh, the sadistic little dog was going to pay.

"Well good morning, Michael."

'Don't Michael me Eddie. Jake told us what happened.' Mike's voice quieted as he moved to the next room. Bella was still sleeping and Mike didn't want to take the chance of laughing. Bella was angry enough for Kaye-Bella had never in her life cursed like a drunken whoring sailor before but last night after Jacob had called to tattle on Edward she had surely attempted and nearly succeeded.

'Bella was ranting about you all night. I mean, ok I can totally get why the stupid kid would grate on your nerves-he's always asking Bella to go out but c'mon buddy, think! Did you really have to attack him in the middle of the hallway? You nearly toppled over the dean and you gave Kaye a black eye.'

"...well it's not like I meant to do it and I did not personally give her the black eye per say. My shoe flew off my foot and the heel caught her in the face. I blame Jacob Black. Really it is his entire fault."

'...'

"...Mike, can you please stop laughing."

'Ha-ha...bst...Hahaha...I'm trying but...shit the mental image is going to stay with me forever!'

"You know, if I weren't what I was I would probably had to have slept on the pavement."

'What happened to your car?'

"...Kaye had the keys and I didn't fancy breaking into my own car. Calling you wouldn't have really helped matters since you've both decided to visit your families. Something tells me that I should have picked the lock and climbed into the window." Edward wished, suddenly that he could smoke.

It had been something he did before he died but after he had changed he'd nearly forgotten the sensation. Right now however, he had never wanted a Camel more.

'Witnesses Eddie, remember, not all of us humans appreciate the sight of seeing a pale skinny teenager scaling a building and crawling in through a window. You know, this is almost becoming routine.'

"What are you talking about?"

'Every weekend you get thrown out of the apartment due to either your own stupidity or Kaye's PMS. You know what? I think this is what I should do!'

Edward could almost picture Mike rubbing his hands together in glee. It was true, usually on Friday's, Kaye would dredge up something to be angry at Edward about, fight with him (read: beat him senseless until he loses consciousness...) and throw him out until the wee hours of Monday morning. Bella usually did the same to Mike in other ways. Usually it went like this:

Bella: Mike, I want you to get out.

Mike: Why? Why should I leave this perfectly good apartment?

Bella: You ate my bread, you used the last of the detergent and you hog the bed. I want to have a Mike Free weekend. Get out.

Mike: You can't tell me to leave! I pay rent here. I have rights, big people rights!

Bella: I've called your mother and told her that you were going to visit her this weekend. She's expecting you at home in at least an hour and a half. Get a move on. You rights have officially been reneged.

Mike: Stymied once more! You win this round Swan, but I shall succeed in the next battle!

Bella: ...you dork.

Edward wasn't making it up. That had happened last weekend. The only reason Bella and Mike were together now was because he had called her father saying that she wanted to visit him and go fishing...wait? What was Mike saying?

"You wish to write a web comic about our daily lives? Are you insane?"

'A little bit. So, what do you think?'

"Alright, but only if I get a cowboy hat, that is my condition!"

'Done!'

"Step into my lair."

"Mike, this is your mother's basement."

"Indeed."

Saturday found the guys in Mrs. Newton's basement. It was a warm day so the basement was uncomfortably hot, even for Edward. A large, industrial fan wurred in the background as Mike plopped down on the sofa and watched TV. Edward, who had just showered, seemed to be sweating.

'Huh...I haven't had the need to sweat since I was alive. That's new.' He thought.

"So, something tells me that Bella has, again, thrown you from the apartment?" Edward plopped down beside Mike who glared halfheartedly.

"You guess right." Mike said. "And something tells me that Kaye still hasn't forgiven you for the shiner and that Bella sent you this way." He took a long sip of lemonade from his glass cup making the ice clink loudly together. "You know, she took my car, she took my dignity and she even took twenty dollars right out of my wallet!" Mike complained. "I bet she and Kaye are gonna philander with that stupid Jacob head. I hate that guy!"

"Black? No, he's apparently got Saturday school for the next month of course, his fee days are busy as well with being grounded due to a week in a half long suspension and community service."

"What?"

"Someone tipped off the principal of his school that a certain someone named Jacob had nailed all the desks to the floor, broken three windows and had urinated in her office. I think she might have been upset." Edward cackled, oh he hadn't felt this supremely evil since...well ever.

"Dude...you're awesome."

"I prefer to be called Edward but, if you feel the need to call me awesome I will not stop you." He grinned. "I took great pleasure in placing the defecation in her filing cabinets-perhaps too much pleasure when I realized that it was something Jacob would pay for."

Mike matched his grin suddenly feeling pleased as pie.

"Look at you, being all evil! When did you do this?"

"Well," Edward crossed his legs and smiled. "I needed something to do last night, you know, being locked out of the apartment and all."

"That's cold."

Suddenly something happened causing both to stare at one another in horror. Mike inched away from Edward and the familiar yet near terrifying sound that came from him. That was not supposed to happen...EVER!

"Edward?"

"Mike?"

"Dude did you just...are you...?"

"My stomach just growled...and there is this foreign pain coming from it!" Edward near shouted. He knew that sound but would ever deny creating it. There was no way in hell that this was happening.

"I think...I think you're hungry...do you need blood or something?"

Edward shook his head. No, there was no thirst in fact, he couldn't recall how long he'd felt the thirst for blood.

"No...I think...I think I want human food."

"What the hell?"

Somewhere between worlds, high above in the Authors Olympus sat J.K. Rowling, Stephen King and Anne Rice. The three were having tea and watching Stephanie Meyer-the newest Authoress, typed furiously on her laptop.

"So, Mr. King, do you think this will go over well for her main character?" Miss. Rice asked, her salt and pepper colored hair blowing in the cooling wind.

"I don't have clue. I would think that reversing vampirism would be impossible. Where would the logic be?"

J.K. Rowling lifted a light colored barely there brow. Since when were any Authors (of the fantasy genre) ever intimately involved in logic? Of course there was basic logic but usually they would bend it just so. She looked towards the young manic plump Authoress and shook her head.

Stephanie Meyer didn't use any form of logic, not basic not minute not nothing. Perhaps this was why she was so incredibly criticized.

"So, did her main hero crack under the pressure yet?" Charlene Harris sat beside J.K., her round face split into a kind warm grin. "He's going to go insane. Whoever heard of a boy turned vampire turned human again? That's unique."

"Or idiotic. The woman is mad." Bram Stoker quipped as he glared daggers at the woman who destroyed the basic concept of vampires everywhere.

None of the other authors in all of Authors Olympus disagreed.

The End of: "EDWARD CULLEN'S PRECIOUS LITTLE LIFE" part 1. Part 2 coming to a computer website near you if the author stops being lazy!

Karin: Authors Olympus is exactly what you think. A denizen of the literature Gods, it's where all the greats and not so greats of writing live and breathe. They watch over their creations from the marble perch of Authors Olympus to see how their stories are going. Mostly now however, the Authors and Authoresses gang up and tease SMeyer, although, mostly those who have written about vampires (Bram's got a lot of hate for her) have it out for her. This just proves that (as in the chapter before SMeyer basically beat up Edward and threw her story manuscript at him) that she has the power to play with his life. So she's decided to give her story an even bigger stupid shake and make him slowly turn human again.

Don't worry there will still be sparkles!

I had ample fun writing Mike and Bella. Since it's a year later and they're in college Mike doesn't feel the need to try to be Mr. Cool. He's embraced his dorkness and Bella copes with it as much as she can.

Jacob was a bit of a brat but he hates Edward so it's cool

Will up date with more reviews c'mon I know you wanna know if Edward totally becomes human or become a weird hybrid species of it.

No flames only reviews. Flames will only make me mad and you don't want to see me mad!

Because it's not nice!