Note: This fic is being edited and rewritten in some scenes! The prologue has been updated in Jan 2022! Thank you so much to my beta Hybris who has been helping me with the "simple edits" lol.
"And in fragmented darkness,
I knew that his lunar smile
would captivate the moon
and always be the reason
for my soul's eclipse"
Prologue
"Why is it my fault that you can't be man enough and get me pregnant, Shikaku?!" A plate shattered against the wall, as the tired man below it groaned in protest at being interrupted from the first bit of rest he had gotten in four days.
'So much for enjoying my downtime.' This conversation had been going on for over 30 minutes, making it harder and harder for him to rest in peace.
"I don't blame you, Yoshino; I've never blamed you for that! Now, other aspects of you, well," He drawled, "That's just the troublesome part of being married, so sto–"
A wordless scream cut him off, as her pure frustration with him hit an all-time high, leaving behind a ringing silence.
'Fuck. I should have stayed quiet.' He internally cursed, as he kept his gaze away from her and instead focused on the gentle clouds drifting from outside his window.
'Sometimes I wish I was a cloud... Just floating along, going wherever the breeze takes me.' Surely anywhere would be better than being stuck here, in this room, with his fucking wife.
A loud smash pulled his attention back to the present as he pulled out a kunai and readied his shadow for the attack, before familiar screeching cut through the reflexive scan for whatever assassin decided to try their luck now of all times. Instead of someone merely attempting to murder him, his darling wife had punched a hole through their latest table and cracked the rest of it in doing so; there was no salvaging it.
'Damn it… I had just replaced that table. At least it's not an heirloom from the Clan Wars this time.' Her fury truly was a fearsome thing, to the point she hadn't even started bitching about the ruined table and somehow blaming him for it.
"Ugh! Now, look what you made me do you, absolute bastard!" She raged, hissing out a slew of complaints as she bitterly made plans to get the table replaced.
'...Again, I spoke too soon.'
She must have seen something on his face, as Yoshino's face burned red and her hair even seemed to spike in fury. She took a deep, loud inhale before somehow ranting even louder at him.
"–fault Shikaku! Don't you dare tell me what I can or can't feel! You don't have to deal with the hoard of 'well-meaning' women and elders wondering what's wrong with me, because I haven't been able to give you a child ever since I was forced to stop being an active shinobi."
Sticking his pinky in his ear as her pitch actually hurt his ears, Shikaku huffed as he got up into a more comfortable position. It's not that he didn't sympathize with her plight. She had been an excellent Chunin with a good track record, looking likely to make Jonin at a faster pace than anyone in her peer group.
'...Why she wanted to be a Jonin-sensei so bad, I'll never understand. Thankless job dealing with preteen brats.'
Unfortunately, the clan needed more children for the next generation, and everyone and their meddling granny knew that women have a harder time conceiving past a certain rank. 'All the damage that's done to their bodies and whatnot, especially frontline combatants.' Shikaku wasn't thrilled with the concept that clan protocol during a post-war period put so much emphasis on baby-making and breeding back the population.
'Not even if I became the Clan Head today would I be able to get rid of that stupid protocol! Every Nara knows that this is something that needs a majority vote to change, and no way will those old fossils ever allow anyone to get rid of laws that ensure the 'Nara' survives as a clan.' The utterly ignoble fate of the Senju really shook up the older generation, making even the most laidback Nara elder a cranky mess.
'So why can't she fucking think rationally!?'Groaning under his breath, Shikaku watched her pace back and forth, tuning her out as he mused that if it was up to him, he would never have asked her to stop doing what she loves for his sake.
"Are you even fucking listening to me?!"
But gods, was it ever hard to care when she got into one of her hysterical fits. What did she want him to do about it? He was the heir, which was a fancy title that did nothing but give him responsibility without any real power.
"Kami-sama, who the fuck did I murder to get stuck with a useless layabout like you?!"
Leaning his back against the wooden pillar, Shikaku dodged another flying plate for his seeming lack of attention. Yoshino hated feeling ignored and unfortunately, he was very good at pissing her off by just breathing.
"You know perfectly well that in arranged marriages neither side really gets a say in who we marry."
And what a surprise that had been. Out of all the women in their clan, his parents had taken one look at this brash, outspoken woman and thought, 'Yes, our son will be able to have a successful marriage with this one.' Thanks, mom and dad.
"I was doing great in my career! I was happy!" Shikaku would give her that. She had been a happier woman at the start of it all. She would actually be nice to him when he was having a bad day and they could manage to talk without it ending in screaming matches. Yoshino had even let him hold her hand when they had been trying to get to know each other on their after-marriage dates.
'Those brief glimpses of softness from her had managed to make me think that we could possibly work out in the long run.' Bitter feelings of resentment filled his eyes as he closed them in pain at how different his future with her was from what he had hoped for.
'So much for my supposed genius.'
"Why are you acting as if I chose you on purpose? It was done for me by my parents." Who still liked Yoshino more than him, and always scolded him for not treating her better.
'Well... that's not exactly true… They also scolded me because I can't love her like they want me to.'
He didn't understand all the fuss. He had done his duty and gave her every respect he could; he gave her a room so they wouldn't have to share, her own allowance to do whatever she wanted with it, he didn't touch her unless she requested it and basically caved into her incessant demands all the damn time just to stop the screaming. He even tried asking for her opinion on clan matters and listening to her wants, not that it did him any good. Yet somehow, he always ended up as the bad guy that his parents gave "concerned advice" to.
"Because their son was so lazy and a god damn disappointment in the dating scene that they just had to intervene." Yoshino's mocking tone set Shikaku's teeth on edge;
Why was it so demeaning when a man decided that he didn't want to stick it in every person's pants all the time?
He must have actually muttered that thought loud enough for her to hear it, as Yoshino immediately retaliated with "See! That! Right there! How can you not like sex? Every man likes sex!" The incredulous tone she used snapped his last bit of restraint, as his craving for alcohol broke his determination not to fight with her tonight.
'Oh for fuck's sake.' Standing up to go to the kitchen, Shikaku began to pray that they had at least one sake bottle left. Just one would be enough to get him through this never-ending argument.
'So I have standards, is that a crime? And it's not my fault I had a mother who was paranoid of me sowing any 'wild oats' outside of wedlock, and actually had a fucking housewife spy network to ensure any date I had with a woman didn't go very far if she didn't approve of them.' After a string of unsatisfying hookups, being blue-balled at every opportunity with actual potential girlfriends, and nearly dying every time he went to the frontlines, Shikaku decided that war was a perfect time to get a taste of what good sex actually meant.
'Sneaking out to buy a night with one of the premier Blossoms was as bad as an A-rank. Mostly a waste of an A-rank's Ryo too, but…' Flexing his hands as a terrible itch for more than a bottle began to course through them, cutting through his thoughts, Shikaku bit his lip lightly as he tried to focus on the actual subject at hand instead of aiming directly for blackout drunk.
'Just a sip, that's all I need. A nice, deep sip, and then I will stop.' Walking across the room, Shikaku sighed deeply as Yoshino blocked him from his path, giving him a look of pure judgment as she looked up at him. It was very clear that she wouldn't allow him past her without speaking, so he gave her exactly what she wanted.
"Seriously? I may not have been a casanova, but I wasn't living like a monk!" He knew he shouldn't, but Shikaku couldn't keep from adding on in frustration, "Besides, I've always fucked you exactly how you told me you want, Yoshino!"
Yoshino sneered, "You think I like having to order you around like some kind of fucking academy kid's clone? What man needs direction to actually put it in!? Maybe if you showed some damn initiative in bed at least, you might be able to get me pregnant!"
Aaand they were back to the root of the problem again. Grimacing at the memory of the last time they tried to have sex, Shikaku sighed through his nose in frustration. Yoshino was a lovely woman — physically, anyway — but obviously, she didn't understand that it takes more than a pretty figure to make him aroused. There was also the fact the constant look of disgust on her face whenever he tried to touch her, didn't make the whole act any more appealing.
"Just because I don't like having sex with you doesn't make me bad at it." None of his other lovers ever complained about his performance. Pity the relationship part didn't work out with any of them.
'Stimulating talk before foreplay, a decent fuck, but the afterward was always a bit too… Abrupt for me.' He hadn't been fond of the used, empty feeling he was left with after such encounters, where the pleasurable release was little but a fading memory by that point.
'Yoshino is such a hypocrite. Seriously, I never did a single move in our bedroom that she didn't order or command, out of respect for our arranged marriage. She literally could have told me to do… Hell. As if I know what'd please her.' And it wasn't like he had enjoyed it any more than she did. Each time he slept with her left him feeling even more dissatisfied than he had felt after his worst ever hook up. 'Doesn't help that the entire time, she's criticizing me from beginning to after orgasm.'
Sidestepping around the infuriating woman, Shikaku avoided her attempt to grab his arm. A look of mutual dislike passed between each other, as he slid into the kitchen, ignoring the fact that she was following behind him.
'Who knew that I would prefer that one-off with that premier Blossom from the Redlight District than my current sex life with my wife?'
"And here I thought the famed laziness of Nara men wouldn't be so severe it would make you unable to get it up for a wet hole, let alone one that's got nothing to do but be stuck here for your convenience!" She hurled at him. He could practically hear her mocking smile as the air tensed between them.
'Even her insults have become predictable.' Glancing over his shoulder at the vindictive-looking woman, Shikaku returned her mocking look with one of his own.
'She's not just troublesome now, but boring.'
"That is a gross stereotype. Don't lower your IQ like that, Yoshino. You can't afford it." Holding back a laugh as her smirk dropped and a snarl took its place, he turned away from her, dismissing her from his mind as he opened the fridge and began to look around for some sweet, sweet medicine.
'Nope. Not a single one survived Hurricane Yoshino's purge.' When Yoshino is mad, his sake never survives the night. Looks like Shikaku would have to go to a bar tonight as well.
"Well excuse me, Mr. Genius. It's a damn shame you aren't good at the one thing your clan requires from you." Her hand reached over his shoulder as it smacked against the fridge hard, slamming it shut.
'Fuck, why does she always have to get into my space.' Skin crawling as Yoshino leaned into his body, using the fridge as a barrier to cage him in, Shikaku shoved down the disgust that was welling up as she bared her teeth in his face.
Raising his eyebrow condescendingly at her posturing, Shikaku leaned back into her space, leaving only a breath away between them. Pitching his voice nice and low, Shikaku sneered as he spat back, "It takes two to spar Yoshino."
Her face paled as her eyes grew big with hurt, her entire frame betraying the violent flinch that his words had caused. Immediate guilt sat in his stomach as he internally cursed himself out.
'Fuck, I went too far. Again.' Stepping away from her, he made sure she had her personal space before trying to soften the whole situation a bit.
"If I'm no good, then you're no better." He muttered, rubbing the back of his neck as he looked away from her face and glanced around the room for something else to drink or eat.
"Anyway, it's not that big of a deal. Our clan is, thankfully, big enough that we could adopt one instead." He could already think of a few baby cousins who wouldn't be bad heir material, once they finally had the option. A little guidance, and a few years learning the political side, and the Clan would have a pretty decent heir to take over after him.
"...Stupid," Yoshino muttered, her head bowed down as strands from her pulled-back hair fell over her eyes.
"Huh?" He asked, feeling frustrated that there was nothing to eat or drink in the entire room.
"Spoken like a true idiot who has no idea how it feels to be known as the wife of the Clan Head who failed at her one job." She spat out, eyes shiny as she refused to meet his gaze, blinking quickly and biting her lip till it bled.
'Fuck.' Holding back a sigh he ran his hand through his hair as Shikaku weighed the pros and cons of replying to that landmine. The shame and grief hiding in her gaze had him break his silence, as he tried to comfort her once more.
"You didn't fail."
"Then why does everyone imply that I did?" The fragile, almost quiet despair made him more uncomfortable than any of her loud shrieks ever had.
'Having a baby had never been this hard for previous Clan Heads. It's not like we're the first arranged marriage in the clan either…' Groaning once more, Shikaku dragged his hands down his face as a sense of fatigue peeked out in his voice.
"Look... It's not your fault. We just... Don't match." Now if only his parents could understand that, maybe then they wouldn't have been forced to marry each other.
"No... No, we don't... I, I know it's not my fault. I just…" Yoshino paused as she collapsed into the chair at the kitchen counter. Her head was bowed as she ran her fingers through her partially undone ponytail.
"I can't keep doing this, Shikaku. I don't like you. At all." Her voice cracked halfway as she looked down at the kitchen counter, body turned away from him as her body trembled from silent sobs.
'We should have never married, Clan be damned.' Maybe once they could have grown to like each other, but after three years of trying and failing, Shikaku had reached the end of his rope.
'Too many missteps, too many mistakes with each other. Even now she won't open up to me… And I can't open up to her again.' Her shuddered breathing echoed in his ears, stirring memories he wanted to stay dead and buried. Shikaku could almost hear the grieving teams join Yoshino, their stifled cries and sobs harmonizing with hers. He was too sober to recall any of that, so he reached for the artificial calm that had carried him through missions. 'Enough of this melancholy. Nothing gets done if you think about it.'
Clearing his throat, he slightly shook his head as he poured himself and Yoshino a glass of water. If he couldn't have alcohol, at least he could wet his throat with water. Once both glasses were drained, Shikaku sighed, "The feeling is mutual, you're far too troublesome."
Yoshino's shuddered breaths came to a stop as tension began filling the air, but he kept speaking anyway in hopes it'd offer some bit of peace to her. "It would never have worked out between us. You're just too fiery for my tastes."
The wordless sound of rage from her lips startled him as he silently cursed himself for saying the wrong thing. Again.
"See? That, right there. Look at your face! Listen to the sound of your voice! Even your fucking body language!" Yoshino stood up, face blotchy as she gestured at all of him during her rant, "You just went apathetic. Again."
'What does she want me to do? We need to think things through logically if anything is going to–' Shikaku leaned back as she thrust a finger in his face, teeth bared as she practically spat fire at him.
"Feel something, damn it!"
He wasn't a clone. Shikaku could feel just like everyone else. He visibly rolled his eyes to make his point as he slouched further into the kitchen chair, too tired to deal with all of this.
"I am feeling something alright." He deadpanned.
"No, you're not!" She shrieked, that cursed water must have given her a second wind to start screeching again.
'If I knew she would start up again, I never would have given her that glass.' He really should have known better, any kind thing he does for her always ends up backfiring.
"You are treating our fucking marriage like a mission objective, Shikaku." She hissed, eyes raking over his face as Yoshino looked for… Something. Whatever it was, Shikaku noticed that she didn't find it, making her even more upset, if possible.
"And when trouble comes along, you treat me like an enemy ninja and flee from me when the fighting is done!"
He had to suppress an instinctive flinch at how accurately that barb landed and felt his irritation spike as he did so. "Good to know you at least can understand that your constant screaming isn't the behavior of a friendly ally, Yoshino." He said slowly, as the urge to apologize for wounding her evaporated. "Anyone would get sick of it, especially when living with you."
Yoshino's face surprisingly grew less red as her emotions seemed to bleed off her face. A moment of silence rang between them as his words seemed to hang. She placed her hand over her mouth as her shoulders began to shake, scaring him for a second that she was crying.
"Yosh–" Abruptly stopping himself from reaching out to her, Shikaku cut her name off as she brought her face back up revealing she had been laughing, not crying.
"Hahahaha, oh isn't that hilarious!" She cruelly smiled at him, her eyes mocking him as she casually leaned against the kitchen counter. "You know, I wouldn't have to scream so much if you would actually do anything productive without it."
A scowl twisted his mouth as he mentally began cursing out even being concerned for her, the damn bitch.
"It was that fucking attitude that had your parents looking for someone like me to get your ass into gear." Yoshino accused, mocking gesturing to all of him, again, as if it were obvious to see.
Now wasn't that just insulting. He had been a Jonin for over five years and was in his second year when he married Yoshino. He had been practically Clan Head, at least externally, since his promotion as well; and he knew he had been doing a damn good job, considering they had gotten more clout as a Clan after his actions in the war.
'Yet this no-name-chunin actually dares to claim I was failing so badly, at the one thing I had been trained for my entire life, to have to deal with someone like her because of it?' Standing up from the chair, Shikaku loomed over her, getting slightly into her space.
"I am not a child to be minded."
Yoshino gave him a startled look as she looked up at him. Her smirk had dropped as she seemed to grow nervous under his gaze for a moment, unconsciously stepping back before regaining her nerve as Shikaku watched her draw on her anger to bolster her attitude.
"Oh really? That's not how it feels like, being your god-damn nanny for the last 3 years."
Snorting in dismissal at her ridiculous remark, Shikaku viciously thought that they would have to spend more time together for her to qualify as his caretaker. Considering he had been taking as many missions as possible since their second anniversary, and staying late at his office, he found her claims to be his minder to be dubious at best.
"First of all Yoshino, I never asked you to be my god-damn nanny. Second, we have barely seen each other in the last two years."
"Well, you never had to, did you? You just rolled over and took everything your parents and Clan have ever thrown at you," Yoshino leered at him as she threw an innuendo at him, causing him to get an unimpressed look on his face, as she continued, "And look where that ended; me, stuck married to a lazy, drunk ass like you."
Shoving his hands in his pocket, Shikaku bit back a snarl at the taunting look on her face, as she continued to mock him with her pathetic imitations of his behaviour.
"Look at me, I'm the drunkard idiot who can't function without a drink in his hand by 8 in the morning." She mimed him drinking into a stupor, before pretending to nearly swoon against the kitchen counter.
"Oh yes, because a short-tempered banshee, like you, is such a catch, Yoshino." Stepping away from her, Shikaku wondered if she would follow him if he left the room.
'Oh, who am I kidding. I am a man, and worse, I am her husband; I don't get any reprieve from her lectures, in her eyes.'
"At least I don't bury my feelings by drinking myself stupid! Have you ever been entirely sober since you fucking married me?!"
Grimacing as her voice grew shrill enough to crack the glass, Shikaku decided enough was enough and left the room.
"Don't flatter yourself. You alone would not push me to drink," He spat, as he took a moment at the door to gaze into the living room. The room smelled stale and rank from the abandoned clothes he had left there from his last mission, kicked out of his own room for missing her birthday.
'I must have forgotten to place it in the laundry, and knowing Yoshino, she probably left it there out of spite.' Ignoring her other accusations, Shikaku meandered over to pick up his soiled clothes, double-checking that he hadn't left any weapons in the many, many pockets. Absently folding them, a particular smell wafted up as he folded the stained shirt.
'Is that the smell of… Ozone?'
His mouth filled with the taste of blood as the day seemed to darken, and the world wavered like a genjutsu snapping into place. Even now, months after they finally ended it, the war hadn't really ended for him, still, corpses appearing whenever he thought he was free of it.
"And yet, I have to deal with it. Every day of my fucking life for the last three years! Look! You can't even pick up after yourself! " Reflexively grasping the handle of his kunai hidden in his vest, Shikaku stilled his shadow from instinctively spearing his suicidal wife, who thought it a good idea to invade his space and yell into his ear, as she snatched his soiled clothes from his hands before chucking it at the nearby laundry basket.
"What do you want from me, woman?" Leaning away from her shorter body instead of the chakra-enhanced leap he wanted to do, Shikaku tried to concentrate on not "fleeing" from her. Yoshino would never stop bringing it up, that her little analogy was right if he did.
"Oh, am I actually being asked what I want? Is this my birthday?"
'What a fucking brat. It's like dealing with a toddler.' He thought uncharitably, speeding up his pace as he made his way to the entrance of the house.
"You melodramatic woman, just get to the point already." The quicker she said what she had clearly wanted to say since the beginning, the sooner he could leave and just ignore her for the rest of the day. Subtly moving around their couch, Shikaku made sure that there was more space between them; the last thing he wanted was to get yelled at even more if he accidentally impaled her because she got handsy.
"You want my point? Fine! I'll give you my point!" It seemed Yoshino had also reached the end of her very limited and practically non-existent patience. Slapping her hands against the couch, she practically stood on her tip-toes as she stared straight into his eyes.
"I want a divorce."
The words hung between them as he searched her face for proof if this was an in-the-moment decision or something she had been planning for a while.
'Of course, she could have mentioned it to me earlier, but that would be too easy wouldn't it.' Still, it's not like Shikaku wanted to stay with her either. He'd happily divorce her today if he could. 'That marriage contract though…'
"...Is that even allowed?" He clearly remembered signing the papers that stated it was a for-life agreement. Though considering how drunk he got by the end of the night, maybe he had managed to miss a clause?
'If I find out we could have been divorced a long time ago–' Taking another breath, Shikaku stepped away as Yoshino made a strange noise in disbelief.
"Are you fucking–Ugh. Yes, Shikaku. That is allowed. After all, I haven't been able to give your pathetic ass an heir in the last three years." A pained look passed her face before pure revulsion replaced it. Hiding a wince at that sore spot, Shikaku mulled her words over a bit.
'Was there a time limit to the damn thing? Damn, just how much did I drink to forget that detail?' It had been such an awkward night, the two of them were strangers and married off to ensure the line of succession would survive the war if he couldn't.
'Nothing says scarring like knowing someone was picked to make sure that Yoshino and I consummate the marriage.' At the very least it hadn't been his parents, praise for the kami, but it hadn't helped him knowing he was expected to 'perform'.
'Guess everyone knew how much we didn't want to marry each other… It's not like we were subtle.'
"The contract..." It said something about ages, didn't it? Honestly the fact that the clan elders helped write it with his father hadn't filled him with much hope on finding loopholes to end this farce of a relationship.
"You forgot how old I was, didn't you? Figures." Yoshino sighed, placing a hand on the bridge of her nose as she closed her eyes in pain. Stepping quietly closer to the entrance Shikaku ignored the guilty twinge at how drawn and haggard she looked right then.
"Should I even bother to ask if you know what year it is as well, or are you too tipsy right now?" She muttered, opening her eyes to track him as she leaned against the wall.
'I am entirely too sober to deal with her anymore.' Mentally calculating if he had enough money in his wallet, he crouched down to slip on his sandals and deerskin jacket.
"No need to be so charming on my behalf. Please continue with your demands." If she knew how to break their marriage over a clause, then she should say so instead of drawing it out like a showman.
'Honestly, for someone who claims she can't stand my presence, she sure makes everything drawn out and tedious. If I didn't know better I'd swear she wanted my attention.' His hands ached for a bottle, and he had run out of will to deny himself.
'I need a bit of medicine in order to process all of this later.' He sourly thought.
"I was supposed to give you an heir by my twentieth birthday. I'm twenty, not pregnant, and there is no way I am suffering through the agony of dealing with your quick, unsatisfying attempts at sex for the next few months just to say I really have tried to have your kid." She snapped, touching her abdomen lightly with one hand before moving it back on her hip.
Sighing through his nose at the ridiculousness of her starting up another fight, Shikaku rolled his eyes as he turned away from her.
"It's not like you were the most helpful in getting me aroused enough to even want sex with you." Not even Jiraiya would enjoy having sex with her. Yoshino had a talent for sucking out all pleasure from the situation with her looks and sharp tongue.
'Honestly, the number of times our 'talks' go back to sex is astounding. It's not like it's the be-all, end-all of a relationship, so why focus so much on it?' There were other, larger issues between them than the fact that fucking her was like fucking a cactus.
He must have truly offended her with his words, as she stomped over to stand in front of him and smashed her fist on the side of the wall closest to his head; it was pure luck she didn't punch a hole in it like she had the table. Shikaku's eyes grew cold as he looked up at his enraged, bitter wife, who was using her body to cage him in.
"Don't try to run away, you weak, defective man. I'm the unfortunate person who was stuck with a broken man who doesn't want to have sex like any other normal human being. Where do you get acting like a victim?" She hissed, eyes screaming her desire to slap him.
'Oh enough with this shit. Fuck you too, Yoshino.' Straightening his spine, Shikaku slowly stood up, forcing her to bend back a bit as he growled into her face.
"Fine. Have your divorce. Whatever." Sounds of frustration burst from her lips as her hands clutched and released the air as she glared up at him.
"This. It is this stupid-ass attitude that fucked my life over." She cried, clutching her hair in desperation. Shikaku bitterly wondered if she remembered his life had been fucked over as well.
"It's not all about you, Yoshino." He sighed, shouldering past her to start removing the traps and seals around the door.
"Then why don't you think about others for once in your goddamn privileged existence, and pick another woman to marry? Surely there must be someone in the clan you can put up with." She yelled, gesturing towards the windows where the rest of their clansmen walked about, living their lives.
"Before you ruin whichever next poor unfortunate soul our Clan decides to throw at you next." Yoshino growled, "Kami knows that marrying you stole three years from my life."
'This woman refuses to shut up no matter what. I would be impressed if it wasn't so fucking annoying.' If there was one thing Shikaku hated, it was harping over and over on the same topic. 'A fucking waste of my time.'
"Do you even know what you are asking? What it means for me to start looking for another potential wife while we are still legally married under the eyes of the clan?" If an elder — or kami forbid, his parents — caught wind of such a thing, it would have severe consequences for him and her. He would be charged with attempting to violate his marriage to Yoshino, while Yoshino would be charged with attempting to imperil the line of succession by encouraging her husband to seek other women. Their theoretical divorce would be delayed for years as the Clan would automatically suspect their difficulty conceiving was malicious rather than natural, and no amount of their arguing would sway them after they were charged so.
"Our marriage is a contracted one Yoshino, I am legally not allowed to cheat on you." Not that he would. Despite everything, Shikaku could at very least claim to have remained faithful through their entire marriage. No matter how bad it got, he never turned to another for sexual or romantic release.
"Don't flatter yourself. I would actually have to give a damn to feel cheated on and have a relationship worth the name. And frankly my dear, you're hardly worth any of that." She sneered, flicking her loose ponytail over her shoulders.
"Fucking woman." Loyalty was the highest praise a ninja could give their spouse. Fuck love, love came and went like the seasons, but loyalty was the cornerstone of their way of life. To have her mock his respect for her…
"You shouldn't imply that you would be willing to cheat on me."
"Hah! As if anyone has looked at me ever since we married. For some odd reason, everyone fears your wrath should they even pay me a compliment. Not to mention the hoard of wives and elders that visit every fucking day." She complained, giving herself a brief hug before rounding at him, "Just when could I sneak in a lover, Shikaku? Don't be stupid."
'Great. So I didn't cheat and she didn't cheat. Good talk.' He thought, finishing disabling the last hidden trap on the door.
"You better not be leaving to get piss ass drunk again."
Covering his ear with one hand at her insistent yammering, Shikaku slipped a few extra weapons into his clothes as he made sure he had everything before heading out.
"Why do you care?"
"Unlike you, I actually clean this house my-goddamn-self, and if you think I'll take you, smelling like a goddamn brewery, stepping through those doors when you're done feeling sorry for yourself, or whatever bullshit you have made yourself believe, then you have another thing coming." She screeched, gesturing at the laundry basket with the few days-old soiled clothes.
'Fine then. Chouza's couch it is.' This would be the third time in five days that he would be kicked out of his own home. At this point, Shikaku had to wonder if he would qualify as homeless.
"Troublesome."
"Yes, yes I am. Just go stay with your noisy teammates. I bet you already bitch enough about me to them anyway." Yoshino looked incredibly bitter at the thought, puzzling Shikaku even more. It's not like she made it secret to the clan on how much she hated being his wife; if anything he was more discreet than she was.
"In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you preferred being someone else's bitch, considering how lackluster you are at being anything but an unambitious lump."
'Could she just stop with the sex already?' Breaking the handle on the door, Shikaku ignored her shrieks of outrage at the property damage. It wasn't as if they didn't have enough money to fix it.
"Just shut your goddamn mouth for once in your life woman. I've heard enough to last me two lifetimes." There were at least ten clansmen within hearing distance. Once he opened the door, the silencing seals would fall and everyone would hear their argument.
'Question is, do I care enough to air my dirty laundry?'
"Clearly not if I have to repeat myself, over and over!" Yoshino continued, not taking a single breath during her entire rant. Completely done with this whole situation, Shikaku threw a glare at her as he grabbed her purse, pulling out a few more bills of Ryo as he hissed, "I won't be back tonight."
'Considering all the headaches she has given me in the past hour, she owes me a drink.' He thought, ignoring her complaints on his actions before moving on to his words.
"Praise the gods! I might actually be able to get some satisfaction tonight, considering I have been cursed with a husband who can't do even that right."
'Nope. I don't give a fucking damn.' Throwing the door open, Shikaku ignored the startled looks being thrown their way as he gave his dear wife the middle finger.
Ignoring her screams of outrage, Shikaku slouched his way out of the Nara compound and into the bustling evening streets. There were at least two bars running a special on drinks tonight. Maybe after a few shots, he'd be able to get rid of the pounding headache dealing with the nagging harpy always gave him.
Sunlight rained down onto his face as Shikaku groaned in agony. There was only one asshole suicidal enough to piss him off first thing in the morning after one of his drinking binges.
"Good morning, Sunshine! Don't you look as fresh as a daisy and ten years younger." An annoyingly cheerful voice chirped by his ear as a flash of rusted gold hair brushed his face.
"Fuck off, Inoichi."
"Is that any way to talk to the man who brought you breakfast?" A delicious smell wafted to his nose, as Shikaku thought about the pros and cons of turning around and trying to eat anything heavy after the amount of puking he did last night.
"We both know you can't cook for shit." Memories of Inoichi somehow burning their food rations to a crisp on countless missions flashed before his eyes.
'If he wasn't burning everything to charcoal, then he was creating poisonous sludge that could take down an enemy with one bite.' What should have been a simple fish stew had ended up as a purple sludge with toxic fumes. Shikaku still had no idea how Inoichi could have possibly done that to the poor meal unless he actually did dump in some of his poisons.
'I think that was the only time I had been thankful for a surprise attack by that enemy-nin. I managed to kill someone else by throwing the pot at their head.' A pillow smacked his face as Inoichi threw him a fake offended glare.
"How rude. Chouza, I don't think Shikaku is ready for your delicious cooking just yet."
The soft footsteps of his other friend echoed in the mostly silent room, but even so, it was hard to pay attention to them. Inoichi's very presence screamed for attention, regardless of whether he said anything or not; what was useful in the field was extremely annoying outside it.
"Leave him alone, Inoichi, he drank into the early hours yesterday." Shikaku groaned in slight embarrassment as he recalled showing up drunk as a skunk on his friend's doorstep. Luckily no one else had spotted him sneaking in, so Chouza wouldn't be in too much trouble for lending him his couch.
"Well, it's not my fault he made stupid life choices again. Why shouldn't I laugh at him?" Throwing the pillow back at the fucking peacock, Shikaku smirked at the small cry of outrage as it smacked him straight in the face.
"This is what I get for thoughtfully showing up in concern? For making sure you hadn't choked in your sleep? Chouza, it's time we become a duo. Trios are out!" Inoichi playfully stole a piece of Shikaku's breakfast platter, being extra obnoxious as he moaned in pleasure and praised Chouza's cooking.
"I hate you. You're a horrible teammate. Go away." Burying his face in his arms, Shikaku mentally sighed as the blonde flopped on the couch and shoved him over to lay his legs on him.
"In all seriousness, Shikaku, what the fuck happened?" The harder tone in his friend's voice had Shikaku cracking an eye open, as he saw Chouza leaning against the back of the couch in concern.
"...It's a long story." Shikaku really didn't want to talk about it, as it's one of the reasons he drank so much last night.
'But knowing these two, they won't leave me alone till they're satisfied.'
"We have the day off," Chouza replied calmly, taking a sip of the black tar he dared call coffee. Shikaku and Inoichi both had run afoul of the tar when Chouza had "forgotten" to mention he had made the coffee in question and regretted it intensely each time it happened.
Sighing in annoyance, Shikaku flopped onto his back and covered his eyes with his arm as he rehashed the disaster that was his day yesterday. The silence that followed the end of his tale didn't exactly help his mood either.
"I'm glad that you two are divorcing. I haven't seen you happy in a long time, Shikaku," Chouza began, his steady voice grounding Shikaku as he waited for Inoichi's two Ryo
"Yes, but... She does have a point." Inoichi declared, crossing his arms as he stared at him.
He didn't want to hear it. Shikaku intellectually knew that Yoshino's arguments came from very valid places, but he had hated admitting, even to his team, how much he had fucked up. 'I know I'm not perfect, but gods know she wasn't either; why should I have to take all the blame?'
Glaring at the blonde's remark, Shikaku hid a wince as Inoichi kicked him in the back.
"Stop being such a drama queen, Shikaku. You've used up your allotment of sulking time." The man actually had the gall to claim that Shikaku was a drama queen!
'This coming from a man that took over two hours to get ready for a date, and then proceeded to complain about every last thing that happened on the date to us right after that woman had left.'
"You can't deny your drinking has become more… Well, more these last few months." Chouza cut in, drawing Shikaku's attention to his friend's worried gaze.
'Oh, for fuck's sake.' Pinching lightly at the bridge of his nose, Shikaku took a few breaths as he tried to remain calm.
"I don't have a problem, I can stop whenever I want. I just… Living with Yoshino has become harder, so I wanted a little pick me up. That's all!" He retorted, glancing up at Chouza as he leaned further over him.
"No, Shikaku, this is more than Yoshino and your marriage. You've been drinking nearly three to six bottles of sake a day. If it weren't for your chakra control, you would have caused yourself some serious liver problems."
Chouza looked so damn upset as he stared down at him, that it caused Shikaku to bite back a cruel remark in defense.
"Yesterday was just an off day. I haven't been drinking all that much lately, really!" He excused, waving a hand dismissively.
"You've been having too many off days these past two years." Inoichi snapped, kicking him again in the lower back as Shikaku turned back to face him.
"A war happened." He sniped back, completely done with being cornered like this. It wasn't his fault that his way of dealing with things is to drink his emotions into compliance. His clan wasn't like the Yamanaka, who call each other out on their bullshit and kept close eyes on the mental health of their members. Nor was his clan as affectionate as the Akimichi, who actually had stress cooking circles and found it easy to express themselves with family.
'Nara find relief in logic, in apathy. The best way to dismiss something is to view it as having no value. Emotions just get in the way, and the clan needs me to be rational. So since the traditional way is going nowhere for me, sake picks up the slack,' Shikaku could already feel the ache in his hands as he subconsciously reached for a bottle that wasn't there.
Inoichi's eyes sharpened at the motion before sternly replying back, "I know, I was there."
"Not everyone has a support system like you two." Shikaku grouched, completely over this conversation and just wanting to sleep in peace.
"We care about you," Chouza remarked, looking down at Shikaku's face with that goddamn sad face.
"Then respect my decision and fuck off." He muttered, feeling himself slowly weakening at his team's insistence and disturbingly open care.
"It's affecting your work." Inoichi kicked him again, frustrating Shikaku enough to kick his friend back.
"Shut your mouth. No one has gotten hurt because of me." He might drink like a fish, but he had never been so irresponsible to go on a mission drunk. Shikaku might give the appearance of irresponsibility but he did have a bottom line.
Chouza sighed heavily, before saying seriously, "Then why were you passed over for taking the Jonin Commander position? You have the reputation, intelligence, and background for it. The man they wound up selecting isn't really your equal. So, what does that leave, Shikaku?"
Shikaku swallowed loudly as Chouza's voice seemed to echo in the silence. He hadn't thought about that for a month and had pointedly not been thinking about it.
"You didn't say anything, but we knew you had been eyeing the job. It was a surprise to us as well when they passed you over. But, a bit of thought made it damn obvious why they did." Inoichi continued, yanking on Shikaku's leg to get his attention.
Brown eyes met green as Shikaku felt himself mutter defensively. "This and that has nothing to do with each other."
"That's not what the report said." The blond rebuked, acting worse than a dog with a bone.
"Motherfucker! Inoichi, why do you always have to snoop?" He groaned, leaning back into the couch in exasperation as Shikaku hid the sting at Inoichi's words. He wasn't stupid. He had known, deep down, that his drinking had been a reason for his lack of promotion.
'It was just easier to forget that if no one said it out loud.'
"Because I give a damn when one of my best friends is slowly poisoning himself to the point that it's affecting his life." Inoichi scolded, gripping Shikaku's leg painfully tight as he looked at him with frustration.
"Well, what the fuck do you want me to do about it? Got some brilliant plan?"Shikaku snarked, pulling his leg out of Inoichi's grasp, half-heartedly hoping they would be stumped and leave him alone.
"Actually, yes." Chouza smiled like the benevolent deity he most certainly wasn't. "We have something we want you to try, Shikaku." Chouza finished, placing a colourful piece of paper by his head.
Staring dispassionately at the paper, Shikaku read the first line before chucking it over the couch.
"I am not going cold turkey." Shikaku had tried that once, early on in his marriage as he tried to make it work with Yoshino. It had backfired spectacularly in his face.
"Please, don't insult us. As if that would ever work." Kicking him once more, Shikaku grabbed the blonde's offending leg and trapped it between his arms.
"Inoichi's cousin is helping a coworker run a small program for addicts at the hospital." Chouza sighed, always stuck being the relatively mature one between the three of them.
"What? So people are just spilling their life stories to each other? Getting better through the 'power of friendship', and all that tripe?" The Will of Fire only did so much when it came to mental health. Unfortunately for everyone else, Shikaku didn't trust strangers so easily that he spilled his life story minutes after meeting them.
"No, you ass. They are getting therapists, and are being sorted in rank appropriate groups so the least amount of information leakage occurs." Inoichi smacked him in the other leg as he tried to pull his leg out of Shikaku's arms.
'Smart. Still don't want to do it.' He could already feel himself growing tired at the thought of all that emotional work that he would have to do with no guarantee it would give results.
"Sounds too civilian. No thanks." He complained, knowing if he showed a hint of interest it was over.
"My cousin is ANBU. There is little you can't tell them that they wouldn't be able to understand. Plus, it helps to see you're not the only one struggling."
'Inoichi is really stuck on this, isn't he. Ugh, he's really not gonna let up at all.' Eyeing the pamphlet Chouza had deposited back by his head, Shikaku wondered if he could rip it to shreds without them noticing.
"So I should show everyone how fucking weak I am?" His reputation would be ruined if something like that became known. All the respect he had earned for himself would be chucked out the window, and his role as the future head of the clan could be contested if he was publicly branded with something like "mental weakness."
"Don't be difficult. This is an anonymous program, your name won't even be on the books. Just your generic last name, one you share with several dozens of Nara." Inoichi scoffed, before tugging lightly at Shikaku's deerskin coat, "Just make sure you're not wearing this, and maybe hide your scars a bit with a genjutsu or makeup. It's not like you're a looker, so you'll blend in just fine with the average-looking folk."
"... ... ..." Caving under their expectant looks, he reached out and looked over the folded paper in more detail.
'It has a lot of images for a program that's supposed to cater to shinobi.' Still, he couldn't deny that it looked more interesting than any other pamphlet he had seen so far.
"Shikaku please, just think about it ok?" And there was the final nail on the coffin. Chouza's sad face was a lethal thing on its own, but add in that worried look, and Shikaku found all his fighting spirit leave him in an instant.
"...Fine. But only because I really wanted that position." He grouched. Who knows, maybe he would find something interesting during these sessions?
"You trying is all we ask." Shikaku huffed as Chouza gave a little smile in return. The man should have gone into interrogation; he could break someone down with just a look of disappointment.
"For now." Inoichi snarked, always wanting to have the last word. Gleeful yet kind green eyes let Shikaku know that whatever happened, Inoichi would be there both supporting and laughing at him through the entire process.
'This fucking attention-whore.' He mused, kicking his friend in the thigh. Shikaku would remember this for the next time Inoichi fucked up, and would tell the man's next unfortunate girlfriend all about it in order to ruin his carefully crafted image of a suave casanova.
"Inoichi, shut up," Shikaku complained, completely done with his teammates and their nosey ways.
"Not on your life."
An Observation from my Beta:
Nara: repression is the way
Shikaku: Ain't working so well.
Nara: throws Yoshino at him again
Shikaku: Working worse now, thanks
Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to leave your thoughts, comments, questions, or concerns below!