Chapter four: sickness and wounds

The studying conditions in the Ravenclaw common room were perfect, per usual. A fire cracked in the fireplace, soft rain trickled down the massive windows and most students were talking quietly or had at least cast spells to prevent others from hearing them. A pot of hot tea was floating around the room, filling up cups.

However, all the peace and quiet weren't enough to make Alicia focus on the text she was trying to read. Her mind was filled with a person. Filled with the experience they shared today. Filled with all the new things she knew about him now. She had a basic idea of his personality and morals. She knew they shared a certain love of literature. She knew he was a mischievous man who might twist a rule or two. Like getting close to a student?

It was the funniest thing. Alicia expected her head to fight these disturbing thoughts. She expected to be conflicted and scold herself for thinking these very wrong things about her teacher. But she didn't. That voice existed, but it was just very small. Like she had already decided it wasn't going to stop her. She wondered how far she would go before she felt that what she did was wrong.

And as it turned out, Alicia wasn't the only one wondering that. Michelle was sitting across from Alicia in a comfortable big chair. Their other two friends, Elena and Sophia, were sharing the couch. They formed half a circle around the fireplace. Michelle looked over the edge of her book. Alicia pretended to be reading, but she didn't fool Michelle.

'So how come half the school is talking about you and Professor Lupin?' she asked in a nonchalant tone.

Alicia nearly choked on her tea. The other two friends looked up from their homework as well. Alicia looked at all her friends, and realised they had been waiting to bring up the subject for some time.

'Half the school? Wow I'm more popular than ever,' she joked, hoping it would break the tension a bit. It didn't.

'Honestly Nessie! Don't change the subject. Why were you strolling around the castle with the professor?' Sophia chimed in, seemingly bursting with curiosity. Elena slammed her book shut and scooted forward on the couch. 'Where did you go? Somewhere private?'

Alicia rolled her eyes. 'Alright, like I said last time, nothing happened what you think happened. What, do you really expected me to see a new professor twice and decide to follow him to a broom closet?'

Michelle sighed. 'No, but this is the second time you spend time alone with him. All we say is that it is…a bit weird.' Alicia stared at her friend and realised they were trying to protect her. It was sweet. She placed her book on the table and leaned forward, giving Michelle her full attention. 'Michelle, I understand what you mean. It was odd for me too when he asked me to stay. But it was about a book we spoke off last week. A very normal conversation, nothing personal.' She swallowed quickly, trying not to show she was lying. 'Then he noticed the Occamy in my bag I showed you this morning. He didn't think it was safe to let me wander the school alone with that beastie, so he escorted me to Hagrid. You will be happy to know that this night I won't hide a magical creature in our dorm.'

Michelle started nodding, placing the pieces of the puzzle in her head and realising Alicia was telling the truth…mostly. Alicia leaned back and looked around the room. 'As for people talking, you know I hate gossip and never indulge in it. I therefore hate to hear gossip about me, because most of it isn't true. Someone sees me walking with a professor and before you know it there is a story about us sneaking in a closet together. That's one thing that sets my teeth on edge about this school.'

The three friends knew this was a touchy subject for Alicia. In their third year Alicia had been bullied a lot. People started calling her a freak for spending more time with animals that humans. Girls laughed at her whenever she walked into the castle with dirt on her hands or branches in her hair.

That year, Alicia had closed herself off so much that she stopped spending time with her friends. She had been selfish in doing so, because her friends never bullied her or cared what she looked like. After the summer break Alicia had realised she was pushing her friends away, and apologized. But gossip and bullying were still hard to deal with for her.

'Alright, I didn't mean I actually believed it,' Elena said with a nervous laugh. 'But I was just thinking... It would be very weird.'

Sophia gave her friend a questioning look. 'What do you mean? Alicia snogging a teacher?'

Alicia rolled her eyes, but internally burned up with awkwardness. Elena chuckled and looked between her friends. 'Well yeah, with that teacher! He isn't even handsome or anything! If you were snogging a teacher, you might as well go for an attractive one.' There was an awkward silence from Michelle and Alicia but Sophia started giggling. 'You are right. I mean have you seen his face….who could look at that every day?'

As the two girls continued giggling and pointing out things they disliked about Professor Lupin "Does he own clothes that aren't beige?" Alicia felt herself start to boil. They were so superficial sometimes, Sophia and Elena. She did like the girls and spend good time with them over the years, but they could be so…simple. However she realised she couldn't oppose them right now, not when they were already way to close to the truth. The best thing she could do was play along.

'So who would you do then Elena? I bet Professor Snape is your type. All dark and mysterious,' Alicia said. She did an imitation of Elena fainting in front of their potion professor and before she knew it they were completely distracted and all laughing. Except for Michelle, who had noticed Alicia's dark expression.

Time passed quickly the next week. Alicia had her mind full of exams and papers. The pressure of being in her last year constantly resurfaced. She had random sad moments but also felt very happy about tiny things. All in all, she knew she was going to miss the safety of being in school.

She had seen Professor Lupin three times that week, passing in the hallways. He always gave her and her friends friendly smiles as he passed. The first time Sophia still gave her a look, but after that they became bored with pestering Alicia. Alicia was happy when that stopped, but she did feel a bit uneasy when the professor didn't give her second glances. She expected them, but he would make a big deal out of turning around and not looking back. Alicia felt upset about that. She wanted him to look at her twice.

Needless to say, she was excited about the third Defence Against the Dark Arts class of the year.

'He's running late,' Michelle stated as she glanced at her watch. Alicia looked around. Everyone was already seated, books open and quills at the ready, but there was no Professor Lupin to be found. Michelle's next statement surprised her. 'He was also not at breakfast this morning. I noticed the empty seat next to Professor Flitwick. Do you think he is gone for the day? They should have prepared us, shouldn't they? I have a Divination paper to finish.'

Alicia was about to open her mouth to respond, when the door slammed open and someone walked inside at a brisk pace. Alicia had difficulty at first to identify the person, but the billowing black cape gave him away. He came at a halt in front of the class.

'Turn to page 194,' Professor Snape said in his slow, threatening voice. For a moment, everyone was too paralyzed to do or say anything. Everyone just stared at their potion professor. After a moment the sound of turning pages could be heard through the classroom.

A brave Hufflepuff boy raised his hand. 'Sir, where is Professor Lupin?'

Snape didn't seem happy to reply. He started strolling around the room to urge people to open their books. 'Professor Lupin is at the moment incapable of teaching. Until he feels better I will conduct his classes. Now hurry up and open your books at page 194.'

Alicia sighed and accepted this day to be dreadful. She never had a personal problem with Professor Snape, but to say she enjoyed his classes would be a stretch. That man seemed to hold a grudge against life itself. She felt like he could drain the energy right out of her.

Quite the contrary with their missing professor.

After a DADA class that had never felt so devoid of positive energy Alicia ached to get some lunch in her stomach and forget the entire deal.

'Merlin's beard! Like a double potions class on Friday isn't enough Snape for the week! I hope Professor Lupin comes back quickly because I can't handle this,' Elena complained. The other three nodded. 'Couldn't agree more.'

While they were having lunch and discussing the mountain of homework Professor Snape had addressed them, Alicia couldn't help but stare at the empty seat at the head table. Where was he? Was he sick? Do I have anything to do with it? A terrible thought hit her. What if he doesn't want to teach me anymore, and is therefore giving up our classes? She panicked internally at that thought. She looked around until she spotted someone that wasn't in her class. She turned quickly and suddenly stood in front of a boy.

'Hello,' she said quickly.

'Oh! Nessie, hi. Is it okay if I call you Nessie? I heard people calling you that,' the boy replied nervously. It took Alicia a moment to realise it was the same Slytherin boy who spoke to her that day she was walking around with Professor Lupin.

'It's fine Damian, it's not an insult or anything. Let's build my legend, shall we?' She earned a smile for that. 'Tell me, Damian, did you already have DADA this week?'

Damian seemed surprised by that question. 'Yes. Yesterday.'

'Did Professor Lupin teach you?' she asked, trying to sound as neutral as she could manage.

Damian shrugged. 'No, it was Professor Snape. He said something about Professor Lupin being gone for a couple of days and he took over.'

A huge relief washed over Alicia. Good, it isn't about me. But the worry wasn't gone, because what was the reason then? How sick was he?

With a quick thanks to Damian she turned to sit back down. The three girls had heard their conversation, but Alicia waved it off, saying she just wondered how long Professor Lupin had been gone. Now her mind was set on figuring out what was wrong with him.

On that Saturday there was a Quidditch match; Hufflepuff vs Gryffindor. As most of the students were obsessed with the sport and wanted good seats early, the Great Hall was mostly empty by nine thirty in the morning. However, Alicia wasn't one of those enthusiasts. She enjoyed watching a game, but she could never keep her attention on it for long. She decided on letting the crowd go outside first, and then she would follow. She intended on taking a stroll in the forest and watching the game from afar. The sound of the commentator often carried a long way anyway.

She was slowly eating the last bites of her breakfast while reading the Daily Prophet. She was lost in the story about Sirius Black, who seemed to be spotted in a town not far from Hogwarts. So lost, that she didn't notice the footsteps behind her that came to a stop.

'Good morning.'

Alicia choked on a piece of apple. She made a dramatic attempt to let it slide down her throat and then swallowed some water to help get it down. With tears in her eyes she looked up at the familiar face of Professor Lupin.

'Hi,' she said with a hoarse voice. She cleared her throat a couple more times. 'You surprised me.'

He chuckled. 'That much was clear, yes. I am sorry for scaring you. Did you think Sirius Black was behind you?' Alicia laughed airily. 'To be fair, yes. I was very lost in this story. It seems someone saw him, then turned around and he was gone. No one saw him after that. He must be a really quick and quiet apparator. Pretty scary huh?'

She put the newspaper down and really looked up at him. Now that she looked him in the eye, she noticed all the things that were different. He looked sick, or very tired. There were dark circles under his eyes and his skin was paler than usual. His hair was untidier and his eyes looked restless. Also, he supported his weight on a cane.

'Merlin's beard what happened to you?! Please sit down, you look exhausted,' she said, standing up to push his shoulders down. He complied in the end and sat down with a groan. 'Yes, I don't look my best, do I?' Alicia looked him over, wondering why he spoke so lightly of his condition. 'You look like you should be in the Hospital Wing.'

He waved her concern away. 'I just got out of there. I needed some air after being in there for two days. Madame Pomfrey can drive me up the wall sometimes.' Alicia gave him a questioning look. He looked at her, and she was once more lost in his eyes. Suddenly, she saw way more than the humorous professor. She saw a tired and hurt man, who had been through so much it reflected in his sad eyes. More than anything she wanted to reach out and comfort him, but luckily enough she had enough sense to know that wasn't a good idea. The Hall was basically empty, but not completely.

'What happened to you?' she asked in the end. The professor looked away again. 'I get awfully sick sometimes. It is a condition I've been living with my entire life. I can't tell you anything more about it, I'm sorry.'

How awful it must be to be sick all the time. 'Sounds terrible.'

He gave her another funny look. 'So how was your class with Professor Snape?' Alicia rolled her eyes at that. 'I really shouldn't tell you how I feel about that class, or you will dock house points from me. Let's just say I missed you.'

There it was again, that cocky smirk. He knew she had slipped up and he loved it.

'No, I mean I missed you as a teacher. Our entire class missed you. I remember specifically someone else who said-,'

'Alicia?' he interrupted. The girl in question held her breath mid-sentence. 'Yeah?'

'I understand what you mean,' he replied with that smirk still in place. She groaned. 'Well then don't look at me like that!'

'Like what?' he asked, all innocent.

'Like I said something that implies way more than the simple statement I'm trying to make. You already did this to me twice,' she complained.

'What can I say, I am a mischievous man.'

Alicia had to try very hard not to respond to that too strongly. In another context, those would be the only words she needed to hear from him. Gosh, how amazing would it be if he said those words when they were somewhere in private. When they had just discussed their growing affection for one another. When she had just asked if he thought what they did was wrong….

A throat being cleared pulled her out of her fantasy. She stood up quickly, offering a hand to her professor. 'You said you needed some air right? Are you in for a walk? We could see the match from a distance and do something productive in the meantime.'

He gave her a questioning look as he took her hand to stand up. 'And what productive activity will we take part in?' She smiled happily at him. 'Well, We'll be taking care of Sarah of course!'

Remus Lupin found himself walking next to the bubbly Ravenclaw girl for the second time that year. He stayed half a step behind her so she wouldn't see too clearly that he was struggling. The full moon had been four nights ago but he still felt the aftermath of it. It had been the first time he took the wolfsbane potion that Severus had made him, and he had to admit he was disappointed. With all this talk about the great cure for the transformation he had expected it to go smoothly and to make a recovery quicker than usual. The pain and exhaustion afterwards were no less than usual.. However, he was still himself mentally as he transformed into the monster. And for that, he was very grateful.

He wondered how long it would take before people started noticing a pattern to his sick days. For now only Professor Dumbledore and Severus knew about him. But something told him his secret would soon be shared by more. Either because of Severus that would "accidentally" slip the information or because some students would figure it out.

Alicia for example. The way she looked at him just now had him nearly turn around and walk away. She could clearly see he wasn't well, and she seemed to care. Despite the fear of her knowing his secret, he also felt warm inside at the thought that someone cared about his wellbeing. It had been a while since he felt that.

They arrived at Hagrid's house after a walk in silence. At first it felt awkward, but soon he came to realise she wasn't talking because she already felt comfortable around him. And, he realised, he felt comfortable with her too.

A loud cheering came from the West. Alicia stopped walking and turned to face the noise. Remus stopped as well and looked over the green hills to see the Quidditch pitch in the distance.

'Looks like Gryffindor just scored,' Alicia remarked. She held a hand up to her face to block the sunlight. 'I think I saw a flash of red across the stands.' Remus stood next to her and squinted at the field in the distance. 'I think your eyes are keener than mine,' he grunted.

That made her giggle. 'Did you ever play?' she asked.

Remus shook his head. 'No, but my friends did. I would get murdered if I ever missed a game or didn't cheer hard enough for them to hear it. Personally, the sport never interested me much.' He continued to peek in the distance as he saw her face him in the corner of his eye. He didn't mind her watching him. 'Those friends, they were the pranksters too, right? Some friends you had.'

He chuckled. 'They were a lot to handle, yes. But we were very close, the four of us.'

'What happened to them?' she asked. The question was simple and reasonable. Yet she also asked it carefully, probably expecting a less-than-happy-ever-after. And what a story he could tell her. But maybe mentioning that you once were friends with a currently wanted murderer wasn't the best thing to say.

'The war happened. We all fought in it. Two of them died. The other…is lost.'

Even after all these years, he couldn't talk about the events that happened on that unfortunate Halloween evening. He couldn't think back on the morning after when he found out what had happened without a deep sadness settling in his bones. He couldn't look her in the eye, so he kept staring ahead, afraid tears would fall. Then he suddenly felt a warm, soft hand slip into his. Now he did look down at their intertwined hands, before he dared to look her in the eye. Her eyes were big and full of pity.

'I'm sorry. Have…have you been alone ever since?' she asked carefully. Remus hadn't expected her to figure that out so quickly, but somehow he wasn't surprised either. He just nodded as he looked down again.

They stood there, hand in hand watching the Quidditch game from afar. There was a sad load to the silence between them, but it was also comforting. All these years, he hadn't allowed himself to think too much on his most painful memories. He had bottled them up, because what good came from crying in an empty house? But now, it felt like he could channel those feelings through their interlocked hands. Like he could send away part of the pain and get some warmth and happiness in return. As he stood there, he allowed himself to think about that morning, when he was in a small muggle town in the North of England. He went there with a wizard whose name he couldn't remember. They were out on a mission to protect a half-blood family that was in danger of being killed by the Death Eaters, when the news hit them. It was told in a cheerful way, because the war was over. The other Order member who had send their Patronus to bring the news had sounded so relieved to say that Voldemort was finally dead. At first they were cheering, before the second part of the message started.

He died trying to kill a boy. But the boy survived and he died! It was James and Lily's son who did it. Harry. Harry Potter. He will grow up being famous. Famous…but unfortunately an orphan.

Remus didn't even crash down in that moment. He just couldn't believe it. So he rushed back to find an empty, cold house in Godric's Hollow. Dumbledore found him there and confirmed the news: James and Lily were dead. At that moment Remus thought he had never felt so much pain in his life. He just wanted to find Sirius and Peter and grieve together. Little did he know the pain was only going to get worse.

He took a deep, shuddering breath. Alicia looked up at him as he wiped his tears away quickly and let go of her hand. He cleared his throat and looked at her. 'Shall we go to the Occamy then?' he said with a sad smile.

Hagrid wasn't home today, and Alicia was secretly glad. They took out little Sarah and took her to the edge of the Black Lake. They had discovered that the creature loved playing around in the water, where she grew no bigger than a medium sized dog. She seemed to realise that a bigger size wasn't in her advantage, and it made everything so much easier.

Having something to distract the both of them made the depressed atmosphere from earlier go away. Professor Lupin was smiling whenever the creature got excited. Alicia loved to see him smile. She knew that earlier he went into a deep, dark place. She didn't really know what to do, so she decided to simply be there for him. She didn't have to say anything, as long as he knew he wasn't alone.

Something else happened in that time. When he had been lost in thought, so had she. And what she was thinking about was how strange her connection to Professor Lupin really was. At first a student who was late, then someone with a shared book interest, to a weird flirtatious zone, only to find themselves being great support to one another. Alicia couldn't stop her fascination for this man anymore.

She picked up a flat stone and skipped it across the waterline. Sarah thought it to be a snack and dove after it, only to return the stone. Apparently, she was playing fetch now with an Occamy.

'How are you feeling?' she asked, partly distracted by throwing pebbles.

He looked up from the book he was trying to read. 'Just fine. How about you?'

She huffed. 'I don't mean in the small-talk kind of way, professor. I mean your physical condition. Don't think I didn't notice that limp you suddenly developed.' She stopped throwing pebbles to look at him. He closed his book and looked down with a frown. He was thinking hard on how to answer.

'Alicia, I appreciate your concern, but I can't tell you those personal details,' he finally said. She noticed he couldn't look her in the eye when he said it. It pissed her off. She took a handful of pebbles and started throwing them at a rapid pace as she talked.

'I had a lung infection when I was five,' she said in-between throws. He tried to say something but she cut him off. 'I have a scar on my leg from the time I tried to handle a bunch of gnomes on my own that had taken over our garden. I fell on a piece of rock and tore most of my left leg open.'

This time, he simply watched her, staying silent.

'In my fourth year at Hogwarts I saved a student from being attacked by an overgrown kelpie in this lake, but everyone failed to notice that it tried to grab me too and I had scratches on my legs for half the schoolyear. As you noticed, two weeks ago I was nearly strangled by some strangers because I wanted to save a life.' She stopped talking and just looked at the happy creature whose live she saved.

After she remained silent for a moment, Professor Lupin finally spoke. 'What are you trying to say, Alicia? That you are self-destructive?'

It took a lot of courage to say what she really wanted to say, but she had too. She stopped playing with Sarah and walked up to him. Once she stood in front of him, he looked up from his sitting position with a curious look on his face. There was a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. It made him look mischievous.

'What I am trying to say is, that I feel like we are past the point of "that information is classified". I could share nearly everything with you, because I trust you. Don't you trust me?' She had said it before she could help herself. She had thrown everything on the line now. What are you thinking?! This is waaay too soon! He is going to turn his back on you, you'll see.

Professor Lupin stowed the book away in a pocket of his worn coat and raised up from his seat. He gave her an protruding look. She could only guess – or hope – what he was thinking as they were standing this close to one another, all alone in the woods. Alicia couldn't help swallowing as she felt more and more nervous by his silence.

Before either of them could do anything, both wizard and witch were hit by an enormous sensation of cold. Within two seconds Alicia could see her breath in the air and felt her nose and fingers stinging. She looked up to see a group of four dementors gliding silently over the lake. One of them closed in on them and the lake started to freeze.

Then Alicia realised Sarah was still playing in the water and would get frozen too. Without thinking, she rushed in the shallows to swoop up the creature in her arms. She looked down at the brilliantly coloured Occamy, and realised she couldn't see anything else anymore. Her world had turned to black. She started breathing heavily in an attempt to get her senses back but it was like her body had shut down. Apart from the darkness she also felt a deep sadness. She lost her balance and fell into the cold water.

It was hard at that point to determine what was real and what wasn't. She felt like a swarm of bees was buzzing around her head. But she also heard a voice, someone shouting fiercely. Then part of the darkness was gone, and a brilliant blueish light appeared on her left. Finally, it felt like she could breathe again.

'Alicia get back behind me!'

She obeyed without thinking, scrambling back to her feet and stepping back on the pebbled beach. She could clearly see her professor now, warding off a dementor with a Patronus charm. From this angle it was hard to make out the shape, but he had a strong and big animal as his Patronus. Sarah was shuddering in her arms and she clutched the creature to her chest.

After an agonizing long moment the dementor gave up and flew away. The light from Professor Lupin's wand dimmed out and the air seemed to lighten and warm up. She watched him as he turned around and rushed over to her. His hands found her upper arms, and he checked her over for injuries.

'Are you alright?' he asked frantically.

A part of her wanted to be funny, but she just couldn't find the strength for it. She just nodded.

'I will have a word with Professor Dumbledore about this. These dementors are getting way too close to students and teachers. They should have already sensed that neither of us is Sirius Black.'

Alicia could still feel the darkness and sadness that the dementors left her with. She never wanted to experience that again. It made her bitter as she shifted Sarah in her arms and started walking back to Hagrid's house. 'I hope they find Black soon. Then at least we will be rid of those monsters.'

The professor looked sad, but she didn't notice it.