Journal Entry Two
So, this is the second entry, thought I would put my thoughts down again after the last few weeks. So, a couple days ago, I had met an Asgardian. A thousand-year-old man who was apparently a professor because he didn't like to fight. He had a staff, that when holding it gives you strength like no other, but it makes you feel all different emotions, mostly the negative emotions like anger and hate. Well, I had accidently touched one part of this staff without knowing what it does, and I didn't like the feeling. It made me remember the first time I felt hate, it made me relieve all the hate and anger that I've locked up inside of me. The staff made me feel like I wasn't in control of myself, made me say stuff, hurtful things to my teammates that I did not mean. I knew how I was acting and I didn't like it. I didn't like that I wasn't able to control my emotions like I have been trained to do, I felt anger that I haven't felt in a while and while the others understood, while Agent Coulson understood that I wasn't myself, I felt like I was letting the team down, that I was letting myself down.
The memory that the staff made me remember was when I was young, a child, and my older brother was making me hurt my younger brother. I was always the protector, so for me to be hurting my younger brother and I couldn't do anything to stop it, made me feel hate. Feel hate towards myself and hate to my older brother. We were at a well near our house, and my younger brother fell into the well, I went over and was going to throw a rope down to him, however, our older brother was there as well, and he wasn't letting me throw a rope down to him. I watched as my brother, my baby brother struggles to keep his head above the water while yelling to me for help. At that time, I was too weak to stand up to my brother, I could always take the hits and everything, but I couldn't stand up to him. But once he left, I immediately grabbed the rope and threw it down and helped my brother pull himself up and out of the well. Later that night, my younger brother came to me and climbed in my bed and laid his head on my shoulder and told me that there wasn't anything to forgive. He said this to me because he knew I was feeling guilty about what had happened that afternoon. He told me that it wasn't my fault, that I was still his protector, that he still felt safe with me and he knew that I would help him no matter the cost to me. After that day I told myself that I would become stronger, that one day I will stand up to my brother. I started getting in shape after that day, learned martial arts and started doing better in school. I learned to how to be a better person, that I would live up to my brothers' words.
Now here we are, I was able to get in shape, I learned how to fight, I became a better person, and yet, after I touched the staff, I feel such anger that I haven't felt in a long time. We had to stop the people who are wanting to take advantage of the staff, and yet I didn't know if I was able to do so because I didn't know if I was able to control my anger, or the hate, I didn't want to lose control of myself and possibly hurt one of my teammates. But I knew that the team will need me, need me to fight, need me to win. So, I went and fought, nearly losing myself to the anger and to the hate. But I had my teammates, my friends there to help me get through my anger and we were able to defeat the cult. But I think I lost something of myself, and I'm not sure if I am able to put a lock on that box now. I wonder if I should have gone to Agent May's room instead of staying here and writing this. Though my brother would tell be that it is a good thing that I didn't act on my desire to forget my emotions and to work through them.
I feel better, though I know it will take time and maybe this is a good thing. Perhaps I can open up more to my team and let them in on what I am feeling more. Maybe my nickname, Robot, will go away if I open up more to my teammates. Perhaps I should call my brother, I haven't talked to him in a while. Well, I'm going to get going.