Journal Entry Three
You can't really forget how fragile life is doing this job, but sometimes I forget how my own life is fragile just as well. How a mission could go wrong on so many levels and makes you realize that you yourself is not invincible. This past week, I have learned that lesion again. Over the course of one hour, Coulson had managed to get taken and I had gotten shot. But we found Coulson and Jemma patched me up. But the nightmare wasn't over. We had learned that Coulson was tortured, and I remember back to my own captivity. There is so many times when I've wanted to go to his office and tell him that he is not alone. That eventually the pain of what happened will slowly trickle away and that the nightmares will lessen gradually in quantity. But I can't, at least not yet, as my captivity was classified at the highest level and is barely mentioned in my file, so if I say something about it, Coulson might want details that I can't disclose yet. But he should know that we would be there for him if he lets us. Of course, it's kind of hypocritical of me to say this as after I was captured and was tortured for a month, I had pushed everyone further away, including my family, leaving me a little bit more alone than before. Perhaps, it could be just that reason, that I've been through that pain already, that I know what I am talking about; or perhaps, it was all of the advice that my little brother had given to me after my own captivity.
Speaking of little brothers, I had an impromptu counseling session with mine after he had heard about what had happened. Of course, my sister, the medical doctor, had also happened to be there was a coincidence, especially considering that I had gotten shot and was still doing my job, I think my ears are still ringing from the lecture. But in all seriousness, it was good to see and to speak with them. Though I didn't mention the journal, they could tell something was different. They kept mentioning how I wasn't as rigid or tense as much, I just smiled and kept talking. I had forgotten the last time when we had laughed so hard together, it's certainly been a while, and thinking about the last time that I had been carefree was a few weeks before my captivity. It was also the last time when I decided that I had needed a vacation and had invited my siblings to go skiing with me. That was a great week, having fun during the day, and at night sitting by the fire, talking and laughing. Perhaps after this assignment, we should do something like that again, I'm pretty sure that my sister will definitely agree to another vacation, just the three of us.
Even with the lecture my sister gave me about still working while having a hole in my shoulder, she understood my reasons. She understood why I couldn't just not stop not looking for Coulson. I myself knew the reasons even if the others on the team don't. Agent Hand also knew the reason, how could she not, she's known me since I was a teenager, but that's not important now. The reason why I couldn't stop looking for Coulson even after getting shot was because I felt guilty. I felt guilty because I had failed, I had failed to keep my team safe, that because of my failure, Coulson was captured, and I felt that if I had stopped looking that I was just a bigger failure. My sister knowing that when we found Coulson again that I would stop thinking like I failed, and that's partially true. Now, I just feel more guilt with knowing what had happened to Coulson. Logically, I know that the blame lies with the people who took him, but I'm not thinking logically at the moment. Though, eventually the guilt will lessen in time, with all of the other secrets that I'm keeping from my team, that it will be harder to leave the guilt behind. But I do know that once my team knows the full truth, that I won't have as many burdens on my shoulders and I can start tackling all of my demons.
But it has certainly been a long few weeks, with everything that has happened, I'm nervous about what's to come. If these last few weeks gives any indication, then I hope we have some luck on our side. I'm just hoping that everything works out for the best, but I just have an ominous feeling that things will get worse before it gets better. I should get going, we have a new mission coming up.