Journal Entry Five
As I saw him walking down the stairs, I knew that he was here. I had to pretend to be happy to see him, happy to know him, all the while the while the memories of what he did, of what he had made happened, makes me sick. My nightmares have come true, knowing that I had to work with him again. But I had a mission to focus on, something that was more important than my demons. So, I had my focus on saving Skye and I would just deal with my demons afterwards and alone. And now that it is later, now that we gave that unknown drug to Skye, now that Skye is getting better, I am left alone with my nightmares and demons, past and present. I'm left alone, trying to focus on the present, where the only pain left is emotional. And yet, the weeks of torture, the hours of despair, the minutes of hurt, those moments of weakness are still prevalent, even to this day. Especially when the person that made you vulnerable was standing right next to you acting like he is your friend. The person that is joking with you, the person that you have to trust with your life, your team's lives, is the same person who has betrayed everything that you have believed in. That a traitor is standing in the center of your home, the place that makes you feel safe, now you can't breathe, or think, or feel because he makes you remember that time when you were at your lowest point, at the point where you didn't care anymore, the point when it didn't matter anymore, the point where you had promise yourself that you would never be at again. And yet, with him coming back into my life even though I knew he would be coming back into it, he makes me feel all those emotions again.
But with him back, I know that it is coming to an end. That something big is coming up that will make us change the way we see the world and change the way we see each other. And, I know why Commander Hill had Agent Hand come and help find Coulson just a few weeks ago, I know that soon enough, my mission, the one that had started that day when Agent Garret had me captured is about to truly begin, even if I hadn't known about it at the time. I know that I will have to lie, that I have to deceive my friends, my family, just to keep them safe. Make them believe that I want to hurt them, that I want to kill them. I know that soon enough they will start thinking of me as a villain, being the bad guy and not the person that they have come to know. But what they won't realize is that they already know the real me, that what I have been showing them, that the emotions that I reveal at times, the way that I care about them, they are real, and they will never go away, no matter how bad they think of me, not when they believe that I have betrayed them, that I am a traitor, not when they hate me so much that they want to hurt me, I will still care for them and protect them to the best of my ability. And if in the end, I lose them, I lose my family, then it would be worth it because I would have protected them, more then they would know. And if they never come to find this journal, then perhaps, one day they will know the truth and will forgive me. Until then, all I have to do is keep doing my job just like I have been trained to do since graduating from the Academy.
As I am sitting in a secluded area of the plane, writing this, I can't think of the future, I can't imagine the reactions of my teammates when they figured out what's going on, because if I do, I will never be able to go that deep undercover without being compromised. So, in this moment I am trying to forget about everything. Forget everything that is associated with the demons of my past and my future and remember that I am in the present. Remember that I'm not a victim anymore, that I am a survivor. That he is not here anymore and that we can go on like we have before, with no the wiser about what had happened to me in the past, or what will happen in the future. So, while I am here in this moment, wanting to remember each time that I smiled or laughed, the moments of relief and joy, the moments with this team, my family playing poker and eating pretzels at the table or watching The Notebook and pretending to cry on the couch, wanting to remember those moments of blissfulness and happiness, knowing that in perhaps a few days or a few weeks, all of those moments will be shattered. Those moments will be scrutinized, analyzed by the others to see if there were any signs of deception, if there were any cracks in the lies, if there were any fractures in my emotions. But I know that they won't find anything because everything was real. What they were shown was the truth. The way I care about them, the sadness I felt at times, especially those times when we almost lost both Coulson and Skye, those feelings of helplessness that I felt, and the anger at the people who had hurt them, was true.
I'm just hoping that they will forgive me someday, and realize that every action I took, every decision I made, I made because I wanted to protect them from the evil in the world. That maybe writing this, putting down my feelings and thoughts, laying out my fears, is not a waste of time. That maybe this is helping me become more approachable, that maybe, my team won't automatically believe that I would be capable of doing the things that I might pretend that I have to do, that the things that I have to do would actually make me feel sick. That they will have faith in me because I am not an emotionless person who don't care about anyone that most people will see when they first look at me, that maybe, opening up a bit will let them see past the surface and look at the truth beneath everything. I'm hoping that this journal writing wasn't a waste of time. Though I should get going, I don't want the others to worry about me and being down here secluded this long might make the others worry. I guess I will end this entry now.