Journal Entry Six

I lay awake after waking from another nightmare. It has only been a week, but it has felt longer, and now I understand what my sister had gone through. But first, let me tell you what had happened. A week ago, an Asgardian Sorceress came to Earth after escaping prison, Lady Sif of Asgard followed her to stop and capture the sorceress. The sorceress name is Lorilei and she has the ability to ensnare men, to control them, to do her bidding. Lady Sif came to our team for help, and whilst giving her aid, Lorilei managed to ensnare me, though usually through the sound of her voice, however, what I didn't know, was that she could also control men through her touch. I had managed to hold her off when she used her voice, but not with her touch. She made me take her to a place that was safe, so I took her to a hotel in Vegas. And when we got to the room at the hotel, we had sexual intercourse. I didn't want to have sex, I had tried to stop her, but she overpowered me with her sorcery, which was like a drug, I couldn't control what I was doing, and I am ashamed of what happened. My sister suspects what had happened and I know Coulson and May suspects about what had happened in that room, but my sister just tells me that it wasn't my fault, that I had no control over what she did, or made me do, but I still feel guilty.

I still remember when my younger brother called me in the middle of the night hysterical, saying that I needed to get back home but wouldn't tell me why. When I got there, my brother was in my sisters' room and my sister was sobbing uncontrollably. I could barely understand what she was saying, but with the way she held herself, the why she flinched at our touch, I could guess reasonably close as to what had happened. I had ushered my brother out of the room and had him pack his bags, while I stayed with my sister and packed her bags. I got them out to the car that I had borrowed from school, I got their bags and themselves and got them into the car, not once looking back towards the house, and not once realizing that the house was on fire. My younger siblings quickly fell asleep in the backseat and by the time we for back to the school it was early morning, the sun just off of the horizon. I quickly took my siblings to the school infirmary, where about an hour later the nurse came out with a grim look on her face and ushered myself to a bed. At first, I didn't know why, but soon I did. She wanted to do a complete and thorough physical because of the results with my siblings' physicals. I remember barely answering the questions that was asked, just that I gave brief, concise answers that had the nurses holding back tears. The nurse, when everything was over, gave me a sedative so that I could sleep. When I woke up, the cops were there, but it wasn't to investigate what had happened to my sister, but apparently the fire that had happened at the house. I was lucky for the most part that the school tried hard to keep me out of juvey for as long as possible, but mostly for the help that my siblings received with what had happened. Eventually, the school's commandant managed to get detectives to the school to start an investigation into my sister's abuse. I know that she told the detective what had happened to her, and soon my parents and brother were trying to cover up what happened, of course, that's exactly what did happen, but at least my younger siblings were out of my parents' custody and my brother's reach, the school made sure of that. She didn't tell me what had happened to her, but I did see the aftermath of what he did. I witnessed the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the panic attacks. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to help my sister. But my sister started seeing a therapist, and she decided then that she wanted to be a psychologist, to help people who had trauma in their own lives. I never really understood the emotions that she went through, that's probably why I could never really help her through that time of her life.

But now, she is trying to help me through wat happened to me, but I'm not sure if I'm able to open up to her about what happened. It's not that I don't trust her, it's that I don't like talking about my feelings, and I just want to forget about it. But I know that both of my siblings would be telling me that trying to forget about it won't actually help me, but by talking about it, confronting it would help. Maybe that's why I am writing about it. Perhaps, putting it down once on paper will help. I know what Lorilei did to me was in no way my fault, that I couldn't control my actions, couldn't say no. Lorilei sexually assaulted me, she used her power as a drug to control everything that I did. She made me lose control of myself, took away my decisions. I shouldn't be ashamed of what she did, but I am. Possibly, one day I will stop feeling this way, but for now, as I stay awake in the darkness of the evening, with the nightmares that I keep having filling up in my mind, thinking of what could have happened, I feel ashamed. I feel embarrassed and humiliated, that I should have fought harder, that I should have done something different. Part of me thinks that what Lorilei did to me was my fault, that I should have done something more to stop her. That everything else that happened was also my fault, that if I had been stronger, Lorilei wouldn't have gotten on the plane put all of us in danger. But I know that it will take time to let the guilt diminish, to stop feeling ashamed, but hopefully one day, my thoughts and feelings will change but until then, I will just have to compartmentalize everything and keep moving forward. As for now, I will end this and start on my morning workout.