Disclaimers: All right reserved of the originals "Star Wars" Characters, Names, Places, etc., to George Lucas / Disney. I pledge to return all characters after the story is complete.
Warning: Major Spoilers of TRoS.
Note: This is a Reylo FanFiction (slow-burn)
「Act 33: Under the care of a Friend」
She's got a smile that it seems to me.
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then, when I see her face.
She takes me away to that special place.
And if I stare too long, I'd probably break down and cry...
Ajan Kloss, 36 ABY
Pain. Why would it really matter? He could tolerate pain. He did it before in all his life. What had changed now? His aching body and stiff muscled obeyed his roughness. Only his state of mind was in chaos—a mess. Something was bothering him. Something felt so wrong, so invalid, but Ben could not name it. He chose to fail to pinpoint the cause of this unexplained pain. He reasoned his wheeling mind, which caused this unbearable burning into his heart.
He stepped away from his father's gifts; he would use them tomorrow in their mission. But today, he could not touch them; he didn't permit himself to lay a finger on his those belongings. 'Fool' he cursed himself once more for believing blinding Snoke, for killing his own father to prove to Snoke what? That he was the perfect puppet that the Emperor needed.
Ben rose his arm and placed his hand on his chest. He could still feel the frigid cold surrounding his heart. Though, it was like the beating was no more. It's said that strength could be found in the simplicity of the heartbeat. But it took more than a heartbeat and his strength. When he realized his strength diverged, he was left in a twit of pique. Weariness could never affright him. Yet, he could not even walk towards the bed. His mind gave the commands, but his body refused to listen. 'Failure!' he named himself. 'It's only a small leap, nothing more. Few steps and you can sit.' His mind wheeled. His eyes lost; he was there, though his mind was not.
It had been years since he had taken his father's life, but his memory was so vivid. He never forgot what he had done to Han Solo, but at least the memory was gone. But it picked today to spring in his mind. Today when the Wookiee brought his father's gift. Today started the new torture inside him. 'Fair enough!' Ben accepted the challenge once more as he had finally reached the bed.
The pain that once burned like an aggressive fire had faded away to an icy numbness. Black filled the edges of his vision, and the only thing he could hear was his own broken heartbeat. He closed his eyes; the memory streamed alive before him. His breath came in ragged, shallow gasps. Seconds passed as he lay there, then, he heard voices—his father's voice and again the same memory of Ben killing him. And still, after his unforgiven deed, people swarmed all over him, trying to help him; he didn't understand them.
They wanted to save him. If he could have, he would have laughed. It was far too late for him to be saved, yet they were like children, naive to the darkness of the real world. The despair and suffering of the world Ben had known had not reached everyone as it had found him. Honestly, after Exegol, he believed he would join his father soon. In that way, he would be able to leave all the pain behind. He sealed his eyes strongly now, his fragile, human heartbeat one last time.
A second later, it beat again. Of course, dying would not come that easy. He knew that. After what he had done, who would grant him such an effortless escape from all the pain? He should remain alive, every day suffering in his own wrongdoings and the night relive them.
His eyesight blurred because tears were welling up. Everything became fuzzy; then he saw nothing at all. His consciousness was floating through a space filled with a thick static. Throughout the inky space, his heartbeats pounded loudly, echoing in his ears, alongside fading pleas for help. He almost felt his body drained away until the memory started replying again.
This Pain was invisible, subjective, and open dispute unless it is one's own pain. Aches were worse, always taken to be less then they were. He lived all his life through the torture that the Dark Side offered to him willingly; he stood strong through all the pain his masters gave him. Ben even managed to deal with a new amount of suffering he was causing to himself from all his choices. But as Kylo Ren, he could withstand those. Now, he was Ben Solo, and more pain was added into the existing one. People's lives he had taken weighted more than his broken heart could handle, and his father's death was only adding more weight.
And there he was again, alone trying to deal with everything on his own. He never reached out for help. Ben Solo would never ask for help; he wasn't worthy to receive aid. He should burn in his own misdeeds until he was no more. Once again, his emotions turn jagged, and his insides tight. And Ben Solo forgot that the connection was now open and that Rey could reach out and grasp what she was not allowed to see and hear.
She saw him. She saw the pain in those eyes. It had sat there for his lifetime, trapped in it. She had felt his conflict and some of his scars. Because she followed along, maybe as an enemy at first, yet she knew. Rey paused her debate with Finn as they were still having dinner; she could hear thoughts. Those weren't her thoughts. Those were deep and scary thoughts, forsaken memories, and burning scars. She wanted to reach him, though why did it felt hopeless. The pain that omitted him was too much to be seen and too powerful to be felt. She jumped up from her seat.
She knew Ben was dealing with his own darkness, his own pain. She had felt it when their dyad connected again. But these new torrents of pain, those burning emotions, it was all new to Rey. 'Something is wrong!' her mind told her. She knew how worn emotionally he was. She had seen his wounded heart, that had reached his limit. 'Was that it! Has he reached his limit!?' She was concerned. Something was wrong. Totally wrong. She stormed over to find him; she reached out to the Force and their connection.
Though his memories had moved too fast to be seen, the blood poured out as if in slow motion. It came as a red fountain to spread over the already exhausted emotions, every projection showing the struggling of Ben's heart. She had reached his room and raised her already trembling hand to him before falling to his knees, eyes wide. He was slumped to the ground, pulse thready and weakening. And his mind opened for her to read and see.
Ben had been pushing back against pain for so long that now it had hit burned him so badly to cause him to shudder into pieces in front of her. Those were weak moments that devastated her mind. Keeping repeating this pattern will only prolong it and keep the pain underneath when it must rise in truth. And Ben was living with this pain for so long, hiding it so well from everyone. Even her.
Thankfully, Rey was so close. She managed to place her hands around him and pulled him against her. Letting him rest against her shoulders. Her eyes were filled with tears now as her heart shared some of the weight he was carrying. Today she made a new choice, one to welcome him as a friend, to teach him. Though even weaker at the moment, it would be stronger afterward. Because he wouldn't need to face it alone, why would he want to face it alone? Rey told him before she would help him, why was he so stubborn?
Rey put her fingers close to his neck. His pulse was normal, weak, but normal. She took a deeper breath. She ignored her rage, that built slowly. How many times had she warned him? Ben never listened. Taking and dealing with this pain on his own, without a worry. "A fool! Not fearless!" she spoke under her breath. And if he weren't in that state, she would gladly knock some sense in him.
"Let me in!" Rey mumbled as she pushed into his mind, and poor Ben, who couldn't fight back, obeyed. Rey slowly reached his mind; their connection sparkled alive. Rey grasped his mind, his thoughts, his pain, and worries. His emotional pain now could be seen in his thoughts, in his memories, in the way he even breathed. His emotional pain left invisible scars, yet Rey believed the most gentle touch could trace them. They could be healed if shared by someone who cared.
Rey knew now he found forgiving himself impossible, and so he increased his emotional scars. Rey wanted others to forgive themselves, make amends and heal and wanted Ben to forgive himself. She knew he had to earn it until he was satisfied he would pay it all back, his wrongdoings. Over and over again. After that, though he should be able to move forward, he should be healed.
She slowly sat down against the ground and let Ben lean against her; she slowly brushed his hair off his face. She didn't know much about Ben Solo. Rey was surprised by how deep he was rethinking and reliving his wrongdoings. Ben Solo was a great individual; his capacity of his soul and heart was agonizing. That was real strength; Rey indeed was fighting her own darkness. Rey didn't have an easy life as well. But in compare to Ben Solo's life, no words could ever win.
In this storm, in this wind that howls, Ben was trying to reach the gentle center. Rey guessed what else he would tolerate only to find a way to atone for his crimes. And so he came to rest at his side. She felt the disapproval and judgment. It felt so entitled. She wondered what Ben would have her do? Leave him to suffer in his own pain, abandoned him to battle with himself. 'How silly was he?' If she could, Rey, for the friends and the people she cared, she would try to lift the world in one arm, push back the tide with only her mind.
Every person needs a harbor, a secure attachment of care - for, without one, we are in such pain, so lost, shutting down. She honestly believed that. And she thought that the thought had reached Ben, why would he fight the monsters on his own?
Her eyes showed the kind of gentle concern his mother used to have. She laid her hand lightly on his shoulder, and Ben didn't flinch away; he seemed soothed by it. Rey left her hand there and spoke with such a soft voice, "I'll not forsake my friend," he felt her words calming him more by the way they were said than the actual words. It felt as if he was wrapped in a blanket of her caring. How could he not consider his actions now, now that he could feel how profoundly they affected her too.
Ben tried to open his eyes, but he was too broken. He would fight back if he could, push his thoughts away, free Rey's mind. But he didn't; he felt so selfish as he gave in her aid. His body calmed down and relaxed against hers. His walls broke down, and he curled close to her like a lost child. His arms wrapped around her waist, holding close to her. He knew he would regret his actions in the morning, but right then and there, it felt the right thing to do.
Ben Solo shields were shattered that night, and Rey had full access to his mind and soul.
「 Upcoming Chapter: Act Thirty - Four」
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