November 25th, 2015
1:00 AM
Stanford, California
Olivia's POV
"You're not drinking," Quinn observes, taking a sip of her own beer. "Do you like, not drink at all or something?"
I try not to laugh at how inaccurate that is. "Something like that."
I would be drinking. I would be here, going crazy, but I can't. I can't just down a tequila shot and not worry about anything. Life doesn't work like that, not anymore. My mind is going a hundred miles per hour and I feel like crying.
I miss Baltimore. I miss talking to my dad. I thought I was this independent girl who didn't need anybody. But I do. I'm just realizing this right now. I really do. And while I'm in this horrible, hopeless state of mind, I can't drink or focus on anything. The only person that could make me feel better is on a plane to Baltimore right now.
"Quinn," I sigh. "I'm gonna head back to campus and-"
"Excuse me," a guy comes up behind Quinn and grins at both of us. He looks down at Quinn's beer. "Can I buy you a real drink?"
Quinn giggles nervously and nods. "I would like that."
He tells the bartender to get him a tequila shot and Quinn goes on talking to him. I watch carefully to make sure he doesn't drop anything to the drink when it comes by.
I just watch them for a second. Quinn is so innocent. If I didn't know any better, I would say this is her first time talking to a guy in a bar. I could go so far as to saying this is her first time drinking.
I can't even remember the first time I walked into a bar. I was probably around sixteen. That year was the worst of my life. Everything was falling apart and alcohol, drugs and sex were just there. It was new and it was consistent and I felt so sure about it. So I just fell into them. And in a way, I'm still into it. I don't know if I could ever change.
"Quinn," I speak up, my voice more unsteady than I expected. I force myself to smile. "Are you gonna be okay here?"
"Yeah," Quinn turns around and smiles back at me. "Feel better."
I don't really want to leave Quinn but I know if I stay here, I'm gonna end up crying and ruining her night. And I wouldn't leave if I thought she would be really okay.
I'm get out of my seat and I'm moving through people to the exit but someone blocks me. "Move." I really don't have any time for this.
The guy, someone who I've never spoken to before in my life, looks down at me. He says something but I can't hear him over the stupid Fetty Wap song that's playing. Honestly, I don't care.
"Move," I repeat.
"What's wrong?" He leans into my ear and asks. It's only until now that I realize I'm crying.
I sniffle and wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand. "Nothing. Move. Please."
"It's Olivia, right?" the guy asks.
I sigh and nod. Again, I try to move past him but he holds out his arm. "Why are you leaving? You're not having a good time? I can show you a good time."
I look around. Everyone is dancing and talking and nobody can hear me over the beat of this dumb ass song. Despite my best efforts, I know I begin to cry harder. I really don't need this right now. I put my hand on his arm and push down. "I'm not interested."
He brings his arm back up just as quick and laughs. "I didn't mean it like that. I just don't like seeing a pretty girl cry."
I'm seriously trying to regroup myself so I can punch this guy and get the hell out of here but he takes down his arm and reaches into his leather jacket pocket. He pulls out a small Baggie.
Okay, this is the part where I should know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I should get the hell out of here. But he holds it out to me and I can't see what it is through the darkness of the club.
He leans back close to my ear and this time, I let him. "It's better than anything you'll find back on campus."
I look at the plastic bag and then back up at the guy. This is so shady. I should walk away right now. Drugs don't sound like the worst option right now, but I know better than to just take them from a stranger. "No, thanks. I'm clean."
He laughs like that's literally the funniest thing he's ever heard. He reaches behind me and I think he's grabbing my ass through my pockets but he really just puts the baggie in.
"I'm not paying you," I begin to take the baggie out but he holds up his hand.
"It's on the house."
I just stare at him and he winks. I'm not gonna take whatever's in the bag but at this point, arguing with him isn't worth it.
So before I know I'm gonna end up in tears, I just walk away and leave the bar sober - for once in my life.
November 25th, 2015
1:27 AM
Stanford University Campus
Stanford, California
I don't know why I'm expecting my dad to pick up. I've called him a couple of times throughout these past few months and he never has. So while I'm walking alone around campus, I'm just blindly hoping my dad will pick up the phone.
"Olivia?"
I'm taken aback when he does and it takes me a couple of seconds to reply. "Um...hi, Dad?"
"Olivia," he repeats. It's so strange to hear his voice after all this time. Especially when it's just the sound of it through the silence of a near empty campus. "Olivia, hasn't me not returning your calls given you some sort of idea? Maybe something along the lines of how I don't want to speak to you?"
I close my eyes and stop walking. I lean against the brick exterior of some type of lecture hall. I'm seriously trying not to cry at this point. I don't understand how he could still not want to talk to me. How he couldn't care less. "Dad, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry?"
"You don't have to say it at all," he snaps at me. Then, after a pause, he sighs. "Isn't it late in California? What are you doing still up? Partying, I presume?"
"No," I whisper. I'm afraid if I talk any louder, my voice will break and I don't want him to know I'm crying. "Everyone is gone for Thanksgiving break."
"Huh," my dad replies. He sounds the opposite of sympathetic. "What are your plans?"
"I don't have any," I admit. I lean my head to the side so my phone is between it and my shoulder. The phone is cracked from the plane ride but I can't afford a new one or to even get it fixed. The edge of the crack is kind of cutting cutting into the side of my chin at this angle. But I need my hands to rub my arms. It's really freaking cold out here and for some reason, I didn't think it necessary to bring a jacket. "Dad, can we stop this fighting? I already told you I'm sorry. It was a mistake. And I've been so good ever since I came here. You can ask Abby. I haven't been like that."
"I don't care," he cuts in shortly.
It feels like I've just been stabbed in the heart. I take the phone with my hand and wipe my nose. The tears are already coming down. "I don't want it to be like-"
"Well than you should have thought of that before you acting like a complete...I don't even know what to say," he tells me. "For months I have been living in disappointment. And you have the audacity to call me like this - for what? Money?"
"No," I cry. It's not exactly a lie. I'm going to have to move to a cheaper residence but I've saved enough money, with financial aid, to stay on campus. I can make it without him, technically speaking. But he's my dad. I don't want to.
For years, he's been all I had. No matter what happened, he was by my side. When my mom-...he was just always there for me. And now everything is just so different and I thought I can handle it but I can't.
"Good," he says curtly. "Because the way I see it, if you're old enough to strip in a bar, you're old enough to support yourself."
I inhale deeply, looking up. It's such a beautiful night and California is so amazing but I didn't ever think I was gonna be in this position. I messed up so much. And I'm so scared. "Dad-"
"No. I don't know what you want from me, Olivia, but you can't possibly expect me to give it to you. And since I won't, i shouldn't expect your calls anymore."
After he hangs up, I clutch the phone against my palm. It's not fair. None of this is fair. I have no idea where I am. I have no idea how to get home.
On top of that, even though I'm making it work right now, there's no way I can live off minimum wage for four years. Especially when I only have time to work part time.
But it's more than just that. It's my father. He blantly told me he doesn't care. He doesn't care about me. And I know him. I know he never will. I ruined it, just like I ruin every other thing in my life. If my mom could see my right now, what would she think?
Everything is all coming down on me right now and I don't know what to do.
And the worst part is, before I can convince myself not to, I reach into my back pocket and pull out the bag.
November 25th, 2015
1:49 AM
Lyman's Residence Hall
Stanford, California
Fitz's POV
I don't know what I should do.
I know what I should be doing - finishing my last minute packing so I can be ready to drive to Los Angeles first thing in the morning. But I am so distracted. I'm so confused. So instead, I'm sitting on my mattress, my arms flexed on top of my empty, unpacked suitcase.
I just got a call from Mellie. She's really excited for me to be coming back and in another world, I would be too. In a perfect world, I would love my fiancée and want to spend so much time with her. In a perfect world, I would be faithful to her.
In a way, I have been. I haven't been physically intimate with anyone in four years because of Mellie. But that doesn't mean I haven't had thoughts. It doesn't mean I haven't cared for other girls and spent my time thinking about them. More specifically, Livvy.
I'm glad she's staying - I really am. But I can't promise that I won't be worried about her. That I won't be concerned. I can't promise that I won't put myself on the line because for her, I would do that every single fucking time.
She's worth it.
She's not like most girls I'm attracted too. No. Livvy is...unconventional. She's brilliant but she doesn't act like it. She doesn't act like the respectable, amazing girl I know she is. She parties - a lot from what I hear. I can't judge her for that. I think anyone who judges a girl for sleeping around...I don't know what to say. I don't think it's our place to judge anybody's sex life. Even if it's someone I care about as much as Olivia.
That and the fact that she's drop dead gorgeous. No matter what the flaws she has, none are incorporated in her looks. She's, hands down, the prettiest girl I have ever seen in my life. She's simply beautiful.
I don't know what happens now. I don't know if I can stop myself from thinking about her in this way. I would never act on that. If I were to instigate something, I'd be taking advantage of her and I don't think I could live with myself. But if she's staying in my class, I know I'm gonna feel the same way about her. I barely know her but I know that she's breathtakingly beautiful and one of the smartest girls I've ever met.
But I have to stop thinking about Livvy. I have to be faithful - both physically and mentally to Mellie. Because the truth is, I do love Mel. She's crazy, manipulative and annoying but somewhere in there is the same girl I fell in love with four years ago.
Still, it wasn't my idea to propose to her. It was all Big Jerry. I literally did it over the fucking phone and had to send her a ring through the mail. But it was a beautiful princess cut one and she's was satisfied with it.
There's a knock on my door, interrupting my thoughts. It's so soft that I'm not even sure it was there. It's late, so I don't know who would be knocking on my door. I'm probably just hearing things.
A couple of seconds later, I hear the knock again. I get up off my mattress and walk towards my door. I really have no idea who is at my door this late. I was under the impression mostly everyone who was planning to leave for the holiday had already left.
I open the door and in front of me is Olivia Carolyn Pope, sobbing.
AN: :( How did Olivia find Fitz? Why is she there? Is she high? Are they gonna get it on? What was in the baggie? All these questions will be answered the day after tomorrow when I update! (it's gonna be a good one!). I hope you guys are liking the story so far.
And I can't justify Olivia's behavior to y'all anymore. Just wait and see!
And again, thank you for your kind messages and reviewers. Y'all stay making my day. :)