'I love you in a language I can't fully understand yet.'
- Rudy Francisco
November 26th, 2015
7:10 PM
Grant Estate
Los Angeles, California
Fitz's POV
"Hi."
I turn around when I hear Livvy come next to me. I have been avoiding her all day, which is hard when I miss her so much.
Livvy looks like she just stepped out of a high end department store catalogue. She's wearing tight white lace, full sleeved knee length dress with white heels. Her black, shiny hair is resting down her shoulders in spiral waves. She looks...well, I am running out of words to describe just how beautiful she looks, because she just always does. But I am so in awe of how gorgeously she pulls off the dress.
I inhale, clutching my glass of scotch. It takes me a minute to catch my breath. "Hi. You look..."
Liv presses her lips in a tight smile. "So do you. Happy Thanksgiving." Liv walks over so she's next to me, her arms resting on the edge of the deck. I follow her glance at the sunset.
"Happy Thanksgiving," I mumble. We're quiet for a minute before I clear my throat. "Mellie's back."
"I know," Liv's eyes lower, along with her voice. "Did you tell her about the kiss?"
I sigh. "No. I didn't see a reason to."
I have been thinking about this all day, trying to have a solid understanding of my feelings but I just don't. I don't. Mellie came back early this afternoon and she basically avoided the whole 'Olivia' front. She didn't ask for an apology, she didn't bitch to me, she just acted like Olivia Pope was not a person. She basically forgot the whole thing and pretended that Olivia was never here. And she's in the house right now while I am out here with Liv.
Our house is built in the way that we have a backyard under our deck but our deck overlooks the city, since we're on a hill.
Livvy's eyes never leave the view. They never meet mine. "Yeah. I know. I saw her, but...she didn't look at me."
"That's what we do in this family," I take a deep breath before downing my drink. "We forget things. And Mellie?...Liv, I think it's easier for her to just forget about you."
Liv still doesn't look at me. "You shouldn't have brought me here, Fitz."
"We shouldn't have done a lot of things," I shrug. "But we did. It's not our fault."
"Yes it is," Liv finally looks at me. She looks really frustrated. "What happens when we get back to Stanford? Are you staying in law school even though you hate it? Are you gonna stay with Mellie even though you obviously don't want to? Because I am just really confused about this whole thing."
"So am I!" I practically yell. "I don't...I don't know how to answer your questions, Olivia, mostly because I don't want to make you upset. I don't know what to tell you! I just don't fucking know, okay?"
"Okay," she snaps back, unfazed by me shouting at her. I can tell she's not upset anymore - she's just really freaking angry.
She turns away and starts back towards the house but I reach out and hold her arm with a sigh. "Liv, wait. Look, I'm sorry."
Liv stares at me. "No. I'm sorry. None of this is your responsibility. I'm not your responsibility, okay? You shouldn't have brought me here. I shouldn't be here. And you don't owe me an explanation for whatever the hell..." She gestures to both of us with her free hand. "This is."
I don't even have an explanation. I don't know how to tell her how confused I am. I want to be a guy who gets what he wants. But...the only thing I want is her. I want her so bad. I don't care if she's angry at me, if she's frustrated...I don't care if she's vulnerable because in a way, we all are. I want her just the same. "I really like you, Livvy. You're brilliant and beautiful and you've got the kindest soul I know. You make me happy. You are worthy of that. Why do you find it so hard to understand that I genuinely care about you?"
"I'm not," Liv closes her eyes, trying to find the words to explain. She's pacing back and forth, frustrated. It's pretty cute, actually. Everything about her is cute and makes me smile. I just don't like seeing her upset. "I just...Fitz..."
"Livvy," I try to fight a grin off my face, even though I find the whole thing humorous. She stares at me, inhales and keeps pacing back and forth angrily. Her heels click against the dark wood below her. I reach out, grab her waist and hold her tight in my arms. She doesn't fight me off.
"This can't work," Livvy mumbles into my shoulder and my grin fades. She sniffs a little bit. "I really want you to be happy and I know I am not enough for that. I know you don't want to be at Stanford anymore and for that reason, this can't work. You're getting married. I'm just this stupid girl who gets into shit she can't handle. You know that. This can't work."
Livvy pulls away from me, pushing my chest, for once not actually crying. I'm the one who feels like crying. I want her back in my arms. Not just for a couple of stolen moments on a balcony. But forever. I want to hold her and never let her go. It's not enough. It's never gonna be enough.
"Olivia," I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I open them. "What do you want me to do? Tell me. Please. I'll do it. Whatever it is. Just tell me."
"I want you to be honest," Liv replies without thinking about it. "I want you to be honest to me and to yourself. I want to know what you're thinking about. I want you to keep me in the loop. And..." She presses her lips like she's afraid to say something. "I want for you to not owe anyone anything. Not me, not Mellie, not your father. If you don't want to go to law school, don't. If you don't want to marry Mellie, don't. But don't do that for me. Don't do anything for anyone other than yourself. That's who you owe something to. Yourself."
November 26th, 2015
7:40 PM
Grant Estate
Los Angeles, California
Olivia's POV
No matter how uncomfortable I feel in this house, every time I look at Fitz, he looks like he's suffering here ten times more than me.
He's not having fun. He's not happy. Mellie just dragged him into a seat the corner of the enormous mahogany dinner table and she's talking his ear off. He is not even hiding his disinterest. He just looks like he hates everything and everyone at this point.
And that hurts me, you know? I really care about him. And I want him to be happy. But I am not his. And there is nothing I can do about that.
Mellie hasn't talked to me ever since she came back. She hasn't confronted me, hasn't even looked in my direction. Maybe that's for the best. Even if I don't see the point in cursing her out, if she continued to throw shade at me, we might have had a problem. But then again, I did kiss her fiancé so I guess she has the right to be mad at me if she knew. But she doesn't know. So I don't know if my being annoyed with her is justified or not.
I am sitting on the end side of the table, opposite of both of them. Jerry takes the head of the table and looks at me. We haven't formally met yet. We haven't spoken to each other. And since this is an enormous house, our paths haven't exactly crossed.
"Hi," I try my best to smile at him. "I don't think we've met yet. I'm Olivia. I'm in your son's Political Science class..."
I realize that I have no idea why exactly I am introducing myself to him. It doesn't matter. There is no point. But since I have nobody else to talk to, because Tom left and Fitz is occupied with his fiancée, I have nothing to lose at this point.
"Hi," Jerry replies politely, then goes on talking to someone else, kind of dismissing me.
Oh well. I just shrug it off and stare at my glass of wine. The food is all set and everything but nobody is eating. Nobody has even touched their food, which is crazy because it looks so freaking good. I have always had nice holiday meals back in Baltimore but this is on another level. There is enough turkey, stuffing, ham, mashed potatoes, salad and pasta to feed a small country. And there is probably more wine in here than in all of France. I think we're waiting for the twenty something people to settle down and shut up so we can say grace or whatever.
"Hey," Tom slides into the seat next to me and adjusts his tie. He looks in front of him and frowns. I follow his glance and see Fitz and Mellie literally with both her arms around Fitz, trying to make out with him. Here. In front of everyone. He's politely giving her short kisses back but she's all over him and everyone is walking past them like this is normal and acceptable. Maybe it is in this family. Who am I to judge? The thing is, it's making me cringe. I lower my eyes. It's hard to watch Fitz with another girl.
"I'm sorry you had to see that," Tom whispers to me. "You should be spared from that horror."
I force myself to grin. "I'm alright." No, I'm not.
"You don't have to lie," Tom scoffs, then shakes his head in a disgusted manner. I can tell he really doesn't like Mellie, for whatever reason. I mean, it's kind of hard to blame him. He takes a deep breath and turns to me, pulling on a tight smile. "How are you holding up? You look beautiful by the way."
"Thank you," I return the tight smile. "I'm fine. You don't look too bad yourself."
"Try telling that to the girls here," Tom frowns. "I'm not getting any."
I'm about the gag until I realized that Tom is not blood related to any of the girls here. He's Fitz's cousin from his mom's side. Then I just laugh. Tom is actually pretty cute but more than that, he has a kick ass personality. He's really different from Fitz, but he's just as funny. He's also really laid back from what I can tell. In another world, I would be really attracted to Tom but there's only one guy I want and he's taken.
Do you even know how much that hurts? I want Fitz more than I have ever wanted anybody...ever. And I just can't have him.
"Everybody," Jerry clears his throat. At last, Mellie pulls her lips away from Fitz's and everyone turns their attention to the head of the table. "I would like to thank y'all for coming here tonight. Happy Thanksgiving. And I would also like to congratulate my only son, Fitzgerald, for starting and almost completing his first semester at Stanford Law School."
Everyone immediately claps for Fitz but he just smiles dismissively. He looks like he really doesn't want to be here and if that's the case, the feeling is mutual.
But Jerry just goes on. "Along with being an honor graduate student, Fitzgerald is also a Resident Advisor, a Teaching Assistant and serves on the Board of Trustees as an alum for Stanford's undergraduate school. Along with that, he completed an internship for Baker & McKenzie this past summer, which is, by revenue, the largest law firm in the United States. It's in Chicago." He flashes a smile. "Which is where he will be going when he finishes in law school. Anyway, Fitzgerald, will you lead us in saying grace?"
Everyone automatically joins hands. Tom and Jerry hold out theirs and I politely accept them. Everyone bows their heads except Fitz and I.
For me, it's just the factor of not being religious. I mean, I am technically Christian but my dad and I never really practiced religion. We went to church on Easter and everything but we never sat down and prayed. Especially since my mom died. I still believe in God but...it's complicated. When you spend as much time as you do partying, getting drunk and having illegitimate sex, it's kind of difficult to bow your head in prayer. It doesn't feel right.
As for Fitz? I don't know. He just looks so completely uncomfortable. I don't know if he's religious but obviously his family is and he feels compelled to be so. At least for right now. So he clears his throat and begins. "Um, I want to start out by saying...Happy Thanksgiving everybody."
His eyes skim around the table nervously until they come back and lock in mine. I give him an awkward smiles and he returns it. 'Hi' he mouths.
I unclasp hands with Tom briefly to give him a quick thumbs up.
Fitz grins genuinely at that. He clears his throat and when he turns back to saying grace, his grin fades. He swallows "I just...um, I am thankful for all of you, being here. I thank God for that."
He looks up at me, as if for approval and I nod slightly with a soft smile. He smiles back and loosens up a teensy bit. "I think, that, uh, family is the thing that I am most thankful. Family...and friends." He presses his lips together. "And, uh...well, uh...I am thankful for, uh...being thankful?"
I raise my eyebrows. He looks at me and shrugs. 'Nice.' I mouth to him and he rolls his eyes but he's grinning.
"Anyway," he inhales, his eyes still not leaning mine. We're the only two people with our heads up and looking at him, I feel a little bit better. He makes me feel better. "This past year, for me, has been crazy. Between graduating, the internship and teaching...I thank God keeping me grounded. And..." He pauses.
He looks back up at me and just locks his eyes with mine. He doesn't smile, doesn't frown...he just looks at me. And I know that whatever he's about to say is true and honest and from him.
And that's all I ever really wanted. I want him to be honest and truthful and happy. More than anything, I want him to be happy. I really believe the truth, whatever it is, will set him free.
I don't know what's gonna happen when we get back to Stanford. In a way, I don't want him to go back. I want him to follow his dream, whatever it is. I want him to have so much happiness that he doesn't even know what to do with it. I don't know where he'll find that happiness but I hope he does. I want him to. I need him to.
"And I gotta tell him thanks," Fitz says, his eyes locked directly into mine. "For bringing this girl in my life...this girl that I love."