Disclaimers: All right reserved of the originals "Star Wars" Characters, Names, Places, etc., to George Lucas / Disney. I pledge to return all characters after the story is complete.
Warning: Major Spoilers of TRoS.
Note: This is a Reylo FanFiction (slow-burn)
Author's Note:
This week news is the 5-month anniversary of The Rise of Skywalker; some of us enjoyed, some of us didn't, but it is to blame for one thing: The rising number of all the fanfiction that has been written in its name and trying to fix the new trilogy.
Also, guys, allow me slowly to take away's Rey Mary Sue's abilities. I do like Rey to be strong and independent, but she came out too strong. ^_^
「Act 44: A sharp pang of Awkwardness」
I can not save you
I can't even save myself.
Please don't take pity on me...
My life has been a nightmare.
My soul is fractured to the bone...
Falcon, 36 ABY
Ben rose a finger and pressed it against her lips, gently hashing her. Of course, they would talk, as much as Rey needed, but first, he had to bring her to the right place. A place inside the Falcon he always found magical and peaceful as a child, heartbreaking, inspiring, something so tender. A place where life was full and death afar. No worries other than their own, no rules other than the ones their governed, no pain other than the grief they would agree to place upon their own shoulders.
That's was Ben's little opening room with the marvelous view, a hidden world never to be silenced, and pain in stillness. He wanted to show it to Rey, that one place had always been Ben Solo's, and Kylo Ren had never touched it. That little opening that Han offered him as his room and now ended up becoming his dreamland.
Rey's lips parted in surprise, sensing his finger against her lips. He has always been an attractive tall, rather ungainly, with long black hair. But now his figure had changed, been smoothed, unguarded and relaxed. Rey noticed it again. He had his father's posture and long face, but his eyes, the warm brown eyes of his mothers. She almost got lost inside those dark eyes.
His shoulders slump dejectedly; pain and grief were etched on his handsome face. Rey noted that pain was always there, hunting him all along his way. She felt it before in Exegol, and it seemed Ben Solo never forgot and never forgave himself. She rested her eyes against him, tilting her head in confusion as Ben knelt before her. She observed as his large frame bent down; she detected him wearing only his black shirt and pants; he probably had left his jacket on the cockpit.
He encouraged her to lift her right foot; he lifted his eyes and looked at her waiting for her to move her leg. Puzzled, Rey agreed and moved her right foot upwards. Ben smiled, and his smile came from deep inside to light up his eyes and spread light into every part of the small unit room. He slowly let his hands grab her right boot, removed it, and placed it next to her. He repeated the action to her left boot.
Rey stood barefoot, blinking at him baffled. She liked how the Falcon's cold metal felt under her feet; there was a kind of freedom to it, that natural feeling, calming. She moved her toes and gazed at them and then back at Ben, reaching through the force and asking him: Why were her boots removed? Would it help in their discussion somehow?
He stared at her, and for a moment, he felt his heart sink. Further, he never took the full time to observe Rey. He shook the thought away and stood up, removing his own boots as well. He sniffed the air around him to make sure his feet weren't smelly. And he hoped for the best. Then he extended his hand to her, waiting for her to take it. He had done that action as Kylo Ren two times, and back then, he was asking for her to follow him and stand next to him. But Ben Solo didn't want to take her hand for any of those reasons; he just wanted to guide her to his secret place.
How childish and foolish was Ben Solo?
Rey nodded and accepted his hand, curious where Ben wanted to take her. And Ben's hands were frailty and caution, shaking gently as he reached for them and let his fingers grasp around her hand. And Rey noted how vulnerable he looked at that moment and how he didn't hide the truth. His grip around her hand softly tightened, and Ben guided her a few steps further inside the storage unit and pointed at her upwards.
Rey failed to distinguish between, associate by mistake and confused as she watched Ben placing her hand against the metallic bars and climbing up. She understood he wanted her to follow him. She nodded again and smiled, softly grabbing against the same metallic bars and climbed up. There was a secret room; the ceiling was low, and the window so large; the walls and floors were built of heavy timber, and silence reigned there.
Ben had already crawled inside the small opening; he had sat down and leaned against the right side of the room. Rey paused and stared at it; the floor was the mattress, on top of pillows and blankets; it seemed like a small resting area. She slowly pulled herself inside and sat down, leaning on the left side of the room. Both were facing a few breaths apart, and next to the rose, the open space.
Rey sat cross-legged; she turned and looked outside the window, the view fascinating, from afar. She noted the huge collection of gas, dust, and billions of stars. The frame around the exotic surroundings was filled with ominous brittle silence, for there was only their steady breathing feeling the silence inside the room. Ben's presence was making itself known to her; slowly, their connection sprang alive to the fullest.
Something tingles at the base of his skull, a familiar sense, Rey, she had sensed him and allowed the connection to become stronger and alive. Ben stared at her as she was calmly gazing at the open space. She seemed calmer now, more like the Rey he knew; he remained there slowly observing her. And he took in all those little details he hadn't noticed until now.
Rey didn't want to admit she was failing to start a conversation, so instead, she asked, "Why did you follow Poe from Jakku?" Her words came out too harshly like a challenge, a challenge she wanted to dare Ben since she had found he was alive. "Why accept to become the Resistance spy and go under all the danger?"
Ben was taken back by her questions; he thought they would talk about her and aid her to calm down. But classic Rey was avoiding questions and talks that would poke around her weak points. Fair enough. He thought, and the thought reached her through the force. "Because I was a weak-minded fool, like my father," he said.
Rey recalled Kylo Ren had given her a familiar answer when she asked him why he hated his father, back then he said because Han was the weak-minded fool. But now that so many things had changed, he knew that his father wasn't a fool. "I believe you!" Rey said and suddenly turned and looked at him, "But why did you agree? Give me an honest answer?"
"I will when you ask an honest question," Ben responded as Kylo would have as he stared at her and tried his best to avoid starting such a deep and serious conversation with her.
"Why do you hate Ben Solo?" she dared him again.
Ben took a deep breath, as he already knew he would not escape this time from responding to her. " I don't hate me, I don't even know Ben Solo, Kylo Ren made sure for that." his answer came fast, and it was honest, too honest that it even shook Ben.
"Then, why?" Rey demanded as she leaned closer towards him, it was the first time they managed to talk open and honest to each other, and strangely enough, Ben was answering her. He didn't try to postpone this talk for another time.
"Why what? Say it?" it was now his time to nudge her. "Say it?"
His calm voice caused her goosebumps all over her body down to her core. "Why do you try to kill him? I don't understand? Why are you keeping hurting yourself so much? Why don't you even try to forgive yourself a little bit." Rey pressed him further.
"I'm not trying to commit suicide or anything," Ben said in a steady voice, "I don't think dying is the right answer. Death would be an easy escape for the monster I've become. I managed to remain alive and pay for all the wrongdoings, atone until my end."
His words were quite unbelievable, shocking, really. Her mind was sent reeling, unable to comprehend or process the words that she was hearing. Rey looked away and back at him. Silence beckoned with cold fingers, making her heart feel sore, but strangely, she felt an admiration.
Rey inhaled through her nose and sent her awareness into the void. Ben had now caught all her attention; she sought the memories inside his mind, his thoughts, that part he was keeping away from her.
At first, she only saw darkness; his world inside his mind was darkness. It was unsure what she would find if she would reach deeper. Then Ben freed a small part of his mind and let Rey in. Silence now, suffocating silence. She struggled to breathe as she watched a few of his memories spring alive inside her own mind. Panic welt up inside her.
She forced herself to breathe slowly in and out as she coughed for air, and Ben worried pulled back. This was Ben; this was the side of Ben he was living with, he was hiding in. That was no way someone could ever live in so much pain and suffering. Rey gazed at him in bewilderment.
"You..." Rey mumbled as she placed her hands against the mattress and tried to gain her breath back. "You keep all those memories alive." For the man who was so desperate to kill his past, she thought, Ben was doing more than that.
Ben slowly moved close to Rey; his right hand unconsciously touched her back and started tapping her to calm down. "Rey," came his voice, and he pronounced her name in a tender tone, "Kylo needed to kill the past because he couldn't handle his misdeeds. His strength was scary, but deep inside him, he was scared of what he had become."
Rey lifted her head breathing steadily now and gazing at Ben; it was the first time Ben was so openly talking about his thoughts, about his memories, and Kylo Ren. Rey wanted to know, needed to know, because she wanted to help him. She had given him that promise before, even when he was Kylo Ren.
"Those thoughts," Rey whispered under her breath, "They are killing you; how can you live like that, Ben."
"There is no other way, those memories," he corrected her, "are what I have created; the least I can do is remembering them."
"At what cost," Rey asked him in a higher tone, "What is the price you pay daily for what Kylo Ren did?"
"It was me who allowed Kylo Ren to rise in the first place. I was the one who trusted Snoke and the darkness that was calling me," Ben uttered, his eyes burning cold. "Even if Kylo Ren turned, his deeds are remembered, the Galaxy paid the price. Are you asking me to escape from what I created?"
Rey reached her hand and let it rest against Ben's lap; her eyes were now filled in tears. She was terrified about Dark Rey, her dark version, just because she saw her once, and she hissed her. She felt so childish at the moment. Ben was carrying all this weight, all this pain, and he was still going on so bravely and proudly.
Darn you, Ben Solo! She yelled into his head. You're carrying too much pain on your shoulders. Rey had just discovered a little bit more about Ben Solo today. She once thought that his capacity was one of a kind, and he had such depth. Today, she reconsidered that she was wrong. His capacity was above any valid number; his depth was unknown like the unknown space. She had underestimated Ben Solo.
Ben Solo was one of a kind.
She was bewildered by her discovery, Rey ended up admiring Ben Solo even more. "No, Ben, you don't need to escape. You should fight and atone for your wrongdoings. But don't do it alone. I'll help you." Rey smiled and looked at him. "Trust me; it will be easier facing it with friends. Maybe Luke and your parents made their mistakes, maybe you did your own, but you can change the tide."
Ben sat there for a moment gazing at the wonderful person in front of him. Rey had such kindness; it was almost aching his heart. "Luke, my father..." Ben paused as even referring to his mother was hurting him deeply "my mother, they had their reasons. It was my fault; it was me who failed them." Ben hid a sob and went on, "You believe because I helped you in Exegol, and because I aided once the Resistance, it will be enough to undo all my wrongdoings." Ben took a sharp breath. "Let me tell you it won't."
"Ben, you gave your life and saved me, you almost died again working as a spy, you lived for a year in Jakku, under all that suffering, it's a start," Rey assured him as she spoke to him softly, trying to make him understand. "What about Luke and your parents?"
Ben once more surprised her; he didn't flinch away from her. He remained there and explained to her. He told her about Luke and Luke's family. About his son, who had killed his mother. About Anakin and most truths that he told Ben.
Rey was lost in all the details that Ben revealed to her. Suddenly her worries seemed so silly. They talked for hours, and each time Ben would reveal her something new, Rey only felt better, admitting that her worries weren't that serious. And then she understood what Ben was doing. He was offering her his examples, showing her that it could be worse.
"You're doing it again," Rey suddenly interrupted him. "You are trying to shield me, to help me from my own worries, and forgetting yours."
"I know what I had to do," Ben said, slowly pulling his hand away from her back and stretching his back. "Don't be afraid of her; you are stronger than that."
"I didn't know there was so much pain, suffering, and fear in a person's mind." Rey responded, "But now that I have seen part of your, I know mine was not important."
"Your thoughts are important, your fears as well," Ben said. "Always take it under consideration. You are important, Rey."
Rey cracked a smile, "And I was supposed to be the one who would help you!?"
"You already have so many times, in so many ways," Ben stated, "Without you, this journey I have started, it would be impossible."
They were much quieter after talking for so long. A heavy silence settled over them, thicker than the uneasy tension in the atmosphere. Their minds were wheeling, and their hearts heavy. What had changed? Their minds were wheeling stronger. Now that Rey's burden was dealt with and Ben opened aside to her, he never had an odd silence that had grown between them. It was like an awkwardness rose slowly between them.
Maybe opening up to Rey wasn't a wise choice because now his mind wanted to ask her more. He wanted to ask her again about those kisses, even if she didn't know the answer. He started wanting to know about Finn and what her answer was. What was wrong with him? His thoughts were baffled, refusing to listen to his confused heart. He refused to become a victim of his own alien emotions. Ben sat up, almost aware of his thoughts, thoughts he hurried to seal away.
Rey's mind wheeled in a strange, happy way. She never spent so many hours talking with Ben; their dyad felt more alive than ever. But that wasn't the only thing that started burning inside her. Being so close to Ben, getting used to his scent, to the way he breathed and gazed at her. Rey stared at him back, her eyes taking in every detail of his face, his lips. She remembered the way her heartbeat. And the butterflies became alive in her belly. She blinked in confusion with her reaction. She rubbed the back of her head and almost bit her lips in frustration.
Was she sick again?
Across her, Ben was emotionless. His heart skipped a bit again, and it almost made him recognize the feeling. His heart sank in disappointment. Ben almost dwelt into her awareness. There was a slight feeling of dissatisfaction that showed on his face. Yet, he had not forgotten the taste of her lips. His touch on her body. Her body.
Rey's gaze dropped against his, and she blinked fast. Ben was unaware, had she heard his thoughts. "What about my body?" she boldly asked. Conflicting with Ben made her sickness better. She preferred to ask that awkward question than to feel her heart being sick again.
After a few seconds of silence, Ben leaned closer; if she wanted to start this stubborn game again, he would gladly play it with her. Ben didn't think the actions he simply delivered his thoughts "Nothing," he lied, "Nothing interesting to remember it again!" Ben leaned closer. His eyes pinned against her, trying to make sure that he was not startled. But he was, he was already shivering like a small child that was coming across newborn emotions.
"To remember?" Rey repeated, and now she seemed bothered by his answer, "Wait, did you actually stare at me back then in the shower?" Rey sat up already fired up, she didn't understand how they could for hours share their inner souls, and then suddenly, she would end up so annoying. Why? What was that sickness that rose inside her? Why was her heart skipping? Why was her vision even blur?
Ben paused, his lips parted, but he sensed her thoughts and then heard her questions. He could calm her down, ease her silly worries. But he didn't; he couldn't let this feeling find its way. "Not voluntarily," he mocked her. "Someone stormed into the shower naked; I couldn't avoid it! But don't worry, it's not a memory I would want to recall again."
Rey laughed awkwardly, ashamed from that memory, and Ben was not making things exactly better. "Pervert!" she backfired as she felt her heart skipping a few more beats, and her stomach was killing her, "You're such a Pervert, Ben Solo!" she lied to avoid the sickness within her to rise again. She knew it was a pathetic trick, but that was her only defense against her own heart.
It triggered Ben somehow; her words got his full attention. "Let me remind you," Ben said in a pony tone. "You're the one who kissed your enemy twice, who rushed against him naked and let's not forget who announced loudly about the kisses. And I am the pervert one?" Ben leaned even closer; his warm brown eyes searched hers.
Therefore those few seconds, in the awkward confusion, Ben Solo persona appeared again, revealing a part of him that was always hidden. Han Solo had a playful tone, a tearful tease he would nudge the people he thought as friends, that part of Han Solo was also part of Ben, but until now, his dark faith and painful destiny kept hiding.
Rey's open wide and glared at Ben. Was he really saying she was the pervert here? "Lier!" she cried out at him, pushing the thought through the Force You are a Pervert! She insisted, but when her thought was delivered, she seemed to regret it. She wanted to reach out immediately and correct her silly reactions. They had to talk about those encounters.
But before Rey managed to confront Ben and explain her real thoughts, Ben had already delivered his attack. "Yes, I'm!" he admitted suddenly and found his hand grabbing the back of her head. If she thought of him as a pervert, he would show her pervert. Some feelings were visible. Things were done to prevent them from being miserable. Being honest was what made someone believable because some feelings might not always be reachable.
Her head was pulled closer towards him, and they oddly stared at each other, as if it was a silent argument. Their glances battled each other until he pulled her closer. Her heart skipped a beat. His eyes never lost contact with hers. Once again, that strange moment was created that was slowly drawing them both in. He thrust his lips against her and kissed her.
It was not a half fake kiss. It was a full-on, open-mouthed, almost sexual kiss—one of those kisses that can steal your breath away. The kiss lasted for ages, and when they broke away, they didn't talk. Rey touched her lips in disbelief of Ben's actions. Ben almost lost his balance, unsure what had just happened.
Rey didn't seem amused, although she seemed taken away from his action and rising sickness. She lifted her hand and slapped him as hard as she could, and then she ran away. She climbed down into the storage unit and grabbed her boots, and rushed out, stumbling away. She had never felt such confusion in her life. She heard the sweetest melody on her eyes and ears. Her heart was going crazy, and the butterflies were having a battle inside her stomach.
Ben tried to run after her, but he collapsed against the mattress. He couldn't move as he saw now fireworks all over the place. His cheeks were burning hot, and he didn't know if it was from Rey slapping him or from the kiss he had delivered. He moved and curled close to the enormous window hitting his head against it. He was a fool! Ben Solo had reached a new level of foolishness today.
Rey ran into the room that was offered to her, and she hit inside. Her fingers were touching her lips as she had climbed on her bed and under her covers, wanting to hide from the world.
Ben did not say anything -they did not know what to say. He only knew he deserved that slap that Rey gave him, and maybe worse than that, it only took one second for his guard to be down, and he had already caused problems.
Their world fell into silence as their sickness grew bolder.
「Upcoming Chapter: Act Forty - Five」
Okay, guys, that's all. I hope you enjoyed reading the 44th chapter.
Thank you all so much! Stay awesome! Stay sweet!
And be nice to each other, see you soon, in the next chapter!
Feel free to Review and Follow the story!
Feedback is always appreciated!
Talhulla: Agreed! I really hoped that Ben could have more moments with Han and Leia. I might few more scenes from Ben were little as the stories develop. Watching the trilogy, I thought Ben wasn't pulled to the dark side, rather pushed towards him. From Leia, Luke, and Han making their own mistakes, Snoke or Palpatine tried to mislead him. ^_^ Thank you for clicking and reading this story ^_^
LozzieEliza05: ^_^ Thankies for your support as well! I agree with you. Poe and Finn had such amazing chemistry on screen. It was my first time I really cheered for those to end together. So, after Finn slowly matures a bit, it could happen.