'Some days, I'm the mess

Some days, I'm the broom

On the hardest days, I have to be both'

- Rudy Francisco

December 24th, 2015

2:30 PM

Grant Estate

Los Angeles, California

Fitz's POV

"Mellie!"

I jump out of my seat in the foyer when I see her walk through the entrance of the house. I can't help but yell at her - it's been forever since I have heard from her. I actually thought she took the baby and ran - I thought I would never see her again.

She never called, she never texted. Same with Olivia. So I have had two girls ignoring my existence. The only difference is one may be the love of my life and the other one may quite possibly be carrying my child.

I run up to Mellie and I'm about to scream at her some more about not making contact with me these past few weeks before I remember that she may be the mother of my child. I have to make better decisions. Treat her with more respect or whatever. I have to have somewhat of a new slate with her. I have to remind myself that there was a time I loved Mellie. And if there is a baby, it's our baby and that means something. I have to take responsibility and stop being, as Tom would say, a petty bitch baby.

I force myself to take a deep breath. "I was worried about you."

Mellie sets down her purse on a side table and smiles, pleasantly surprised. I can't tell if she's showing or not through her dress. She better be pregnant. If she not...then I would have not chased after Liv for no reason. The only thing that stopped me from doing that was the fact that my fiancée might have been carrying my baby. And I had to do the right thing - no matter how much I miss Olivia.

Mellie leans in to hug me, which kind of throws me off guard. But I hug her back. "I'm glad you're okay, Mells."

"I know you are," Mellie pulls away but continues smiling at me. "We can get our relationship back on track...now that she's gone for good."

I sigh. It hurts to think about Livvy...what could I have been. I haven't stopped loving her. I just need to get my priorities straight. "Yeah, I guess. First things first, have you seen an OB? Because if my calculations are right, you're about five months pregnant and it's important to find you a doctor - if you haven't gotten one already. You really should have...did you?"

"Nope."

I press my lips together to prevent from actually shouting. I force myself to take a deep breath. "Okay, that's okay. But right now, the baby weighs around one pound. It's a rapid growth month. He's around eight inches long. He's gonna develop fingernails this month."

"Mm...," Mellie kind of dismisses me, picking up her purse and making her way into the house. "Somebody has been doing their research."

I run my hands through my hair with another sigh. I don't know about Mellie but being a good parent means a lot to me. And I will be one, no matter what it takes. I follow her hopelessly into the kitchen. "Mellie, look. You can't just walk away from this. This is real. It's happening to us. You have to pay attention. This is an actual baby inside you. We need to get you folic acid and other minerals in prenatal vitamins...we need-"

"Hm," Mellie turns around absently. She looks up at me. "I like the Christmas lights y'all put up. Very festive."

"Mellie-"

"How do I know she's really gone?"

"What?" I exhale. "What are you talking about?"

"Your slut of a student," Mellie replies matter of factly. "How do I know she's gone?"

I clench my jaw, trying to keep my cool. I don't need to lash out and scream at the mother of my child. But that does not mean I am going to sit here and listen to her talk smack about the girl I love. "Mellie, she's really truly gone." Not that I'm happy about it. I take another breath. "But right now, we need to focus. You need to focus. To figure this out. It's our baby-"

"Right," Mellie cuts me off, folding her arms with a sheepish look on her face. "Fitz, we have to talk."

"Yes, we do," I agree. "We need to prepare for this baby."

"There is no baby, Fitz."

I swallow, suddenly feeling very lightheaded. No... "What happened to it?"

"It was never there."

December 24th, 2015

2:44 PM

Florence Moore Residence Hall

Stanford, California

Olivia's POV

"Liv, please."

I look into Abby's blue eyes, pleading me to reconsider. But I am immune to this by now. That doesn't mean I'm not upset about it, though. "Abby, I have looked at this from every angle. It's just not going to work. I have to drop out before the semester is over. I'm sorry."

Abby leans on her headboard, tears threatening to spill out of her eyes.

"Abby," I walk over to her bed and sit at the foot of it, ready to comfort her. "The shifts at the Coffee Express just aren't cutting it."

"You mean you're too hung up on buying alcohol and drugs to prioritize tuition and rent?" Abby demands bitterly, then immediately looks like she regrets it. "I'm sorry..."

I fold my hands in my lap, deciding to not hold it against her. I know she's as angry about this as I am. And she's not wrong. Ever since November and me leaving Los Angeles, I have made some pretty bad choices. But now I'm dealing with the consequences, like a mature adult.

The ugly truth is that I just don't have any money. Between housing, my meal plans, textbooks...if Abby had the money, I know she would help me. But she just doesn't. There is nothing anyone can do about that.

Abby gets a ton of financial help from the school because her mother back home only makes around thirty thousand per year...and Abby has two younger brothers. Since my father makes a six figure salary, I have no help from the school which really sucks considering he doesn't talk to me anymore, let alone gives me handouts. I could talk to the school board about that but I don't think they'd believe me. Even if they did believe me and did help me, they could never scrape enough money to make a difference. I am taking eight classes and I need to keep all of them to get my degree in three and a half years. That includes ridiculously priced textbooks too.

Like I said, the money just isn't there.

"It's okay," I tell my best friend. "And just so you know, you don't have to pay extra once I leave campus. The residence advisors have exceptions on that type of stuff."

Abby shakes her head. "I don't care about that, Liv. It was supposed to be me and you out here, living the college dream. And now you're dropping out before your freshman year at Stanford is complete? Before the freaking semester is? Really?"

I sigh and get up, now more angry than apologetic. Why is she acting like dropping out is something I want? I grab my NorthFace hoodie and shove my feet in a pair of Uggs. "It's not like I ever wanted any of this to happen, Abby. I'm hurting just as much as you are. So I'd appreciate it if you stopped treating me like the fucking villain."

"Wait," Abby's voice stops me when my hand is on the dorm room door handle. "Olivia, wait. I'm sorry."

I take a deep breath before opening the door. This isn't Abby's fault. It's nobody's fault except mine. "It's alright. I just need a minute by myself, okay?"

I lower myself to the brick wall, outside the lecture hall. It's late and nobody is really out here. They have all gone home for the holidays. I'm alone. But I like sitting here, against the building. It gives me a chance to think - which is really something I need to catch up on.

Fitz and I talked for the first time here. That means a lot to me. I miss him. After all this time, I still think about him. But I don't know if things would have gone differently had he still been in my life.

Maybe they would have. Maybe I would have studied harder. Maybe I would have partied less. Maybe I would have the courage to fix things with my father.

But I don't. After all this time, I just don't.

I don't want to drop out. I honestly don't. I have made severe sacrifices to make sure I would have enough money to pay for housing and tuition but in the end, it was all for nothing. I have no other option and that kills me. I have to drop out within the next couple of weeks and that hurts - especially since I worked so hard to make to Stanford. I wonder what Fitz would say to me if he were here. He would probably hold me and promise me everything would be okay.

He was really good at promising me that.

And he was really good at making me believe him.

I'm not trying to say my life is based on him, because it's not. Life is so much more complicated than love. If love was enough, I would not be in such deep shit right now. I would be happy. Life is so much more, though. But that doesn't mean I don't miss him. I miss him a lot. I haven't heard from him. I don't know if Mellie was really pregnant and frankly, I don't care.

The reason I left Fitz is honestly not because I thought Mellie was pregnant. It's just...the weight of our unconventional relationship was finally hitting me and I got scared. I ran. I do that a lot, I have realized.

And now, it's Christmas Eve. I'm heartbroken and very close to bankrupt. In a week, I'll be homeless. And I will, legitimately, have no where to turn.

I pull out my still cracked phone and unlock it, careful not to cut my fingers wide open from the torn glass. A part of me wishes I took that iPhone from Fitz when I have the chance. I dial my Dad's number. He hasn't picked up for weeks... I don't know what I am waiting for anymore. I just keep on hoping I'll hear his voice and- "Hello?"

"Dad," I try to hide the surprise in my voice. "Dad, I have been trying to reach you for-"

"I know," he says shortly. "Did you not get the idea that I maybe did not want to speak to you?"

I lean my head against the brick wall and close my eyes. I thought we could get past this. That stupid night in that stupid bar in that stupid city was the worst mistake of my life. "Please. This is ridiculous."

"No," he argues. "What is ridiculous is the fact that you have some delusional hope that I will forgive you. That I don't mean what I say. That there are no consequences for your actions."

"Of course I don't think that," I whisper. "But I just thought you'd forgive me by now. You're my father...that's your job..."

"No," he says loudly. "You don't get to tell me what my job is! For the last time, you brought this on to yourself and-"

I hang up on him this time. I don't know what to say or do at this point. Like I said, I have nowhere to turn. I don't think I have ever felt this alone. I guess, in the end, I don't need my father. I felt like I needed my mother until I lost her. I lost a little bit of myself when she died but I survived. This time? I'm not really sure.

I'm not really sure of anything.

AN: I'm sorry it took a whole day to update w/ such a short chapter. Fun fact: I actually had to search up what day Christmas was because I forgot and I'm not Christian, lol.

I'm sorry to hear some of you guys aren't liking the direction of the story so hopefully I can switch it up and make a lil better for you guys come the next few chapters. :)

And don't forget to follow me on tumblr! my url is idle-aesthetic. If you have any questions about the story, don't hesitate to ask.

And did you guys see that pic Kerry posted of her and Tony on her insta last night...it's been giving me life