Unbelievable how much stuff had piled up over the years. Good luck finding anything in this mess.
She climbed the stepladder up into the loft of her walk-in closet and looked around. What was it she was looking for in the first place? Something she needed for tomorrow?
Technically, tomorrow would be her second birthday without Jack. But the year before, she had turned thirty-five soon after coming out of the catatonic state, while still not too well aware of her surroundings. So that didn't count. Now, on the eve of her thirty-sixth birthday, the loneliness and anguish which had been somewhat blunted over the past months hit her with renewed force.
Thirty-six… It was such a scary number. Not old age yet, but already middle age. At any rate, the end of youth. Entering middle age with the one you loved by your side might not have been as terrifying as entering it alone.
Her eye was caught by an old photo album. That should be interesting. Whatever she had been looking for could wait.
She grabbed the album, got off the stepladder and knelt with it on the floor. The moment she opened the album, she wondered what had given her the idea she could handle this at all, especially tonight.
Enough running and hiding, she told herself. The innocent, happy, youthful faces looked out at her.
What a blessing it's not for us to know the shape of things to come. Otherwise, nobody would ever look like that. Nobody.
…That day, Chrissy had walked in waving her new Polaroid camera in their faces. Her flavor of the week was a fine-art photographer who talked to her about exposure and composition and diffuse lighting. To be able to hold up her end of the conversation, she ran out to get an instant camera and over the next few days insisted on everyone posing for her.
Here was a shot of the three of them snapped by somebody else. Jack had his arms around her and Chrissy, as usual, trying to cop a feel from both. The camera captured the moment when both of them were simultaneously biting down on his hands as he tried to slip them down their shirts…
She stared at her own pictures and realized she no longer identified with the girl in them. If she ran into her younger self she wouldn't recognize her. That girl had vanished without a trace. And it hadn't even been that long ago. Just a dozen or so years – hardly a lifetime.
The woman she saw in the mirror these days had a kind of mature, dramatic beauty. But she no longer looked as alluring, as radiant, as full of life and joy and innocent mischief as the girl in those old pictures.
Whatever else her life had been, it had brought her here, to this point. To this overstuffed closet in a tomb-like condo. And the girl in the pictures… that girl deserved better.
If life was nothing but a random mosaic of events, like a handful of colored stones tossed on the ground with no pattern, no meaning to the way they happened to fall, then, of course, there was nothing and nobody to appeal to. If, however, there was a higher power, an entity which was, at this very moment, writing her life story, then there may still be a chance to change something.
She knew that entity was there. She had sensed its presence many times and come to know a few things about it. She knew the entity wasn't evil or cruel. It was benign and well-intentioned, and it might even love her in its own way. It had tried to give her the best of everything – all that it thought she wanted. But even entities such as this sometimes got it wrong. Even such entities, who held the ultimate sway over her, and Jack, and her family, and everyone she cared about, could let that absolute power go to their heads and sometimes make bad decisions.
Perhaps if she appealed to that entity for a second chance, if she wanted it badly enough, if she promised not to squander it the second time around –
No. She hadn't been an astute businesswoman for nothing. She knew that if somebody else had something you wanted, you did not go begging for it. You traded. You struck a bargain. You offered up something you had in return. That was how business worked. And that, for the most part, was how all life worked.
As she sat hugging her knees on the floor of her vast walk-in closet, she talked to that all-powerful entity. And she bargained with it…
What would she give up? All her wealth? Easily. Her meteoric rise had never been about money. Money had been a useful side effect of it, but she could do without it. How much did one person need to get by on? Back in the old days, she had worked hard for pennies and always had trouble making ends meet – and life had been so much more fun.
Power? Any moment. She had had power aplenty back then. She just never used it. When every man's eyes would first glide past her, check out all those all-American beauty queens all around her, and then go back to her and settle there, she knew she could have any man she wanted, could have them all wrapped around her little finger. But all she wanted was the one man she could not have.
This impeccable, put-together look achieved by all the advantages of wealth – haute couture, high-end grooming, precious jewelry? No question. All of it in exchange for once again being that girl in cheap jeans and a tied-up plaid shirt, with a mass of untamed curls and drugstore makeup. How sweet she had looked in those simple gold hoop earrings – her only piece of "real" jewelry back then! It was a gift for her twentieth birthday from her parents and fifteen-year-old Jenny. For a long time, she wore them every day, with every outfit. She didn't even know what had happened to those earrings after they had been replaced by tasteful diamond and ruby pieces.
This elegant condo in an upscale neighbourhood which was now crushing her with its emptiness? A bed in a shared room had been good enough for her back in the old days.
All she wanted in return was a do-over. Surely that wasn't asking for too much of an all-powerful entity? Not even of her whole life – just of the past twelve or thirteen years.
What had her life been like? Traumatized early by something that had happened to her at fifteen, she spent her high school years hiding from everybody and afraid to draw any attention to herself. She never dated, never had fun the way her girlfriends did. Instead, she focused on her studies, acquiring as much knowledge as she could, honing that powerful brain she had been born with, learning to think and analyze and predict.
Then, refusing to let that one event overshadow her whole life, she made drastic changes which hadn't come easy but which got her where she wanted to be. Armed with her newfound strength and confidence, she finally left that terror in the past where it belonged. Finally, she was free to have a life…
That was it. That was the fork in the road she wanted to go back to.
She was not complaining, as she tired to make clear to the entity. If she complained about the way her life had turned out she would be the worst kind of ungrateful. Many thought her blessed in countless ways, and her life, a charmed existence. To have achieved so much at such a young age! And that was true. All she wanted was a chance to live it… differently. Perhaps not better. Perhaps make as many mistakes or much, much more. Just different mistakes.
If only she had had the good sense to get out of that apartment while she still could and leave them all – Jack and Chrissy and the Ropers and the whole lot of them – to their own devices. Before she got sucked in, so mired in their affairs that she barely had any life of her own. Before she got so hung up on Jack that moving away from him was no longer an option. Being free was no longer an option…
For the first several months after Jack moved in with them, she still had a chance. She was still dating, going out almost every night. Not to find a future husband – she was still too young to settle down – but just to have fun. Eventually, of course, she knew she would have to find the one.
If during those months someone half-decent had come along, someone interesting enough, intelligent enough, caring enough, someone who had more to offer than meaningless lust, things might have turned out differently. And again, not necessarily better. But that didn't happen. After a certain moment, it was too late. She effectively sabotaged every potential relationship, turned away every man, even those she liked. Eventually, she stopped dating altogether – that was nothing but an exercise in frustration for both her and the men. Now her life was all about Jack. Which, under the circumstances, meant sitting at home, night after night after night, while he was out with his dates, fixing him up with her own girlfriends – because they were such good friends, listening to him lie…
That was the worst part. Listening to him lie as easily as he breathed for years and letting those lies corrode her soul. Even after it had miraculously turned out that he was also secretly in love with her, and suddenly he was hers for the taking, committed to her once and for all and for the rest of his short life was as loving, as devoted, as faithful as she had never even dared to wish, that corrosion never left her soul, never let her have one moment of peace or happiness without a side dish of anxiety and irrational misgivings.
It was easier to dive head first into work than to deal with that. For the next eight years, her whole life was work during the day and Jack at night. She had become a stranger to her own family and Jenny, the sister with whom they had once been almost one person. She, who had been an avid reader in her younger years, now barely picked up a book which wasn't work-related. She, who had lived for music, now never set foot in a theatre or concert hall: the only time she listened to music was while driving. But it all seemed worth it. Until…
Until one morning she woke up and looked at Jack, and it seemed he would be there forever. And the next moment he was gone. In her shock and grief, she nearly followed him and for over two months got stuck between this world and the next. It all happened over a year ago, and the way she was feeling now, that shock and grief may well be hanging over her for the rest of her life.
It doesn't have to be better, she whispered to the entity. Just different. A do-over of the past twelve or thirteen years. A chance to push the reset button. A chance to look in the mirror – and see that irresistibly lovely girl with the impish smile. A chance to be free...
She leaned against the wall to rest her back. Before she knew it, her eyelids dropped heavily over her eyes, and she drifted off…
…
"Janet?"
She opened her eyes and looked around, feeling disoriented. She was lying fully clothed on her narrow bed. Chrissy was standing near the bed staring down at her.
"Come on, Janet. What's the matter with you? Did you fall asleep?"
"Oh my goodness." She sat up and rubbed her eyes. "I just stretched out for a few minutes to rest my back and must've drifted off. Lord, what a weird dream I had! You wouldn't believe!.."
Chrissy sat next to her and slipped an arm around her shoulders.
"No surprise you were feeling tired," she said. "You were up half the night packing. Didn't let me get any rest either."
"You all ready to go? What's going on in here?" said the all-too-familiar voice from the doorway.
She jumped and stared at him. "Jack?!" Of course, Jack. Who else?
He came over and sat on Chrissy's bed facing the girls.
"Is this all your stuff?" he pointed at the small suitcase sitting on the floor by the closet. "Chrissy packed three times as much for an overnight trip. You sure you got all your belongings in there?"
"Of course I am sure! What else did you expect me to pack, Roper's furniture?"
Suddenly Chrissy buried her face in Janet's shoulder and burst out crying.
"How can you do this to us?" she wailed. "Just taking off like this! You've always been here taking care of us… of me!"
"Chrissy, honey..." Janet kissed her on the forehead. "Tell me, how old are you?"
"I am twenty-six… Didn't you know that?"
"Of course I did. Do you know how old I am?"
"Twenty… three, I think? What's your point?"
"My point, sweetie, is that it may be time for you to grow up. You'll do just fine, I know."
"But what kind of people are you moving in with? Are they nice?"
"I don't know them yet. But there was a time none of us knew each other, and it all worked out okay."
"So why are you leaving, then? Are you upset over something?"
"Guys, please!" Janet looked from Chrissy to Jack. "Why are you being such drama queens? I've stayed here, in this apartment, for quite a while now. It starts feeling stale after some time. I just want to shake things up, explore a new area, meet new people… And it's only a few blocks away, not another planet! We don't have to live together to be friends."
"But we need a third roommate… You know we can't make rent, just the two of us! What are we gonna do?"
Janet smiled brightly.
"You guys are gonna get off your asses and find one. I told you I was moving out weeks ago."
"Chrissy," said Jack, "could you give us a minute?"
When they were alone, Jack sat next to her with what looked suspiciously like desperation in his face.
"Janet… Seriously, why are you doing this? Is it me? Did I hurt you?"
"I just told you why. What's with all the drama, Jack? Now you can be with Chrissy. Isn't it what you always wanted? I won't be here to yell at you all the time. After all, who am I to meddle?"
"Chrissy." Jack made a dismissive gesture. "Please, is there any way I can persuade you to stay?"
"I'm afraid not. This is not about you."
"Let me at least try." He held her close to him and kissed her full on the lips.
After a beat or two, she gently disengaged herself and caressed his cheek tenderly.
"Sorry, honey… I better get going."
With a resigned sigh, Jack picked up her suitcase.
A small farewell committee was hanging around the living room: Chrissy, the Ropers and Larry Dallas. They all descended the stairs.
Mr. Roper shook her hand ceremoniously.
"Goodbye, er… Janet. You've been a… er… a very good tenant."
"Janet, come here a second!" Mrs. Roper grabbed her hand and took her aside. "So sorry to see you go, kid. I'm gonna miss you."
"I miss you already, to tell the truth." Janet hugged the older woman with sincere affection. "I really loved living here. I hope you know that."
"You are so right to be doing this while you are still young! Better not let your ass get glued to one spot. Next thing you know, you are too old for change. But you know something? We'll also be moving on pretty soon. Stanley wants to get out of the landlord game, unload this decrepit ruin and buy a nice little townhouse in some quiet community."
"Wow, that's huge! I am so excited for you! I mean, if that's what you want, too, Mrs. Roper."
"Helen, please," corrected the woman. "I am not your landlady anymore."
"Okay… Helen!" agreed Janet cheerfully. "I hope we can stay in touch as friends."
"I'd love that! Only you know…" She looked around conspiratorially and leaned closer to Janet's ear. "Don't tell anyone… but I don't think I'll be staying with Stanley much longer either."
"Oh no! I am sorry to hear that! What happened?"
"Nothing happened, kid. Don't get upset. I've just had it up to here with him. Would you stay with a cranky old cheapskate like him?"
"No, I wouldn't. But then I wouldn't have married him in the first place, and you did."
"Believe it or not, I was in love with him like a little fool. But he was different back then! He wasn't always this dried-up lump of nothing. I know it's hard to see that now, but there was a time when he was romantic… and generous… and handsome…"
Janet shook her head in amazement. "But what about you, Helen? Where are you gonna go? What will you do?"
"Hell if I know, kid," signed Mrs. Roper. "But I know it will all sort itself out somehow. I just want to wait till after the move and see him settled in nicely, and then I'm outta there. Before I am too old to even think of doing it."
"I know just what you mean," said Janet. "Sometimes you need to start over… to push the reset button."
"To push the what button?" Mrs. Roper's eyebrows flew up. "Never heard of such a button."
Janet stared at her, bemused. "Hey, I don't even know what I meant by that. It must be that weird dream I just had... gave me some strange ideas."
"I just want to see if there's anything better out there…" continued Mrs. Roper. "If maybe there's someone better for me. Yes, it's scary… but it's also exciting. I don't want to be dead before I die."
The two women hugged again and wished each other the best of luck and happiness.
The last one to request a one-on-one audience was Larry Dallas.
"Here, I got something for you," he grabbed Janet's hand and pressed something into it.
"Wow, that's so nice of you!" she said opening her hand. "Your phone number! I am so touched!"
"I knew you'd be," grinned Larry.
"But if I may ask, why? I've got your number… I mean, I know your phone number."
"Of course you know it now. But then… who knows? New place, new life… You may forget it."
"That I may. But why is it so important that I have it?"
"Oh come on!" Larry looked mildly offended. "You know how we've been talking all this time about you and me going out together?"
"I know how you've been talking all this time about it, Larry. And how I've been mostly listening… and laughing."
"There you go again! You don't think I am good enough for you, is that it? Don't answer that. But you may see things differently from a distance. And maybe then you'll see it may not be the worst thing in the world to go out with me."
"You know what, Larry? You might just be right. Okay, I'll hang on to this." She stuffed the slip of paper into her purse.
A taxi pulled up to the building. Janet blew everyone a kiss and hopped in.
The driver put her suitcase in the trunk, got in and started the car. Janet saw his eyes meet hers in the rearview mirror and widen in appreciation.
"Eyes on the road, sir, please," she said with a smile.
November 15, 2020