We were together. I forgot the rest.'

- Walt Whitman

December 24th, 2015

11:15 PM

Coffee Express Exterior

Stanford, California

Olivia's POV

I lower myself into the seat in front of Fitz. He doesn't turn around. Either he is avoiding me or he simply doesn't see me. I am hoping it's the latter. "Nice view."

I see his eyes close before he turns to face me. His eyes flutter back open, the bright blue color of them shining even though it's night. He looks the same, in a navy Henley that clings on his muscly arms and a pair of dark jeans. His hair is a little grown out but still short and falls in thick, messy waves.

Is this really him?

Is he sitting right here in front of me?

When I first approached the coffee shop property, I legitimately thought I was being delusional. But he is sitting so close to me I could reach out and touch him if I wanted to. And I want to. But I also need to be strong. If he is not sticking around, I am not getting attached to him.

No matter how much I miss him.

Fitz's face softens into a small, soft smile. "Hi."

I timidly smile back. I'm still pleasantly shocked to see him here but I want to seem unfazed. I have to get a grip. If my calculations are right, Mellie is still very much pregnant and in a few months, he will be a father. I can't be with him if he has a kid. Hell, I am a kid. That just won't work and I don't think I should tell myself it will. No more false hopes. I just need to finish out my last days at the Coffee Express and Stanford before moving on and living my life...even though I barely have one at this point. I don't know what comes after this. But I know it can't be good.

"Hi," I swallow, gripping the armrest on the black wired seat. I cross my legs.

That makes Fitz break into a quiet chuckle. "This isn't a job interview, Liv..."

"Then what is it?" I inhale. "Why are you here?"

Fitz looks away and I know he is asking himself the same thing. He takes a long swing on his coffee and exhales. "I wanted to see you, Liv. I miss you."

"How is your pregnant wife?" I ask bitterly.

Fitz runs his hand through his hair, rolling his eyes. "First of all, she's not my wife. Why does everyone think she is? She's not. Second, she's not pregnant." He pauses. "She never was. She lied."

I can't even hide my relief. Guilt quickly follows. Why would she lie about something like that? That was not fair to Fitz. What a hoe. "That is really fucked up."

Fitz laughs tightly. "Yeah, it is." We sit in a short, comfortable silence until he speaks up a few seconds later. "She's gone. She is gone and I'm so content that it's crazy. It's crazy how content I am without her."

I look back at him. "Congrats?"

Fitz grins for a second before it slowly fades. "The word on the street is that you're distant. You're quiet, sad...not the outspoken party girl you were a few months ago. And...there are ridiculous talks about you dropping out."

I close my eyes and sigh. He talked to Quinn. "Fitz-"

"Tell me it's not true, Livvy."

I open my eyes and press my lips together, my voice right. "I'm not in a good place right now, Fitz. But you don't get to comment on that."

"Fair enough," Fitz turns away. I know he's not through talking about this but he's giving me a break right now.

"You know," I speak up. "You really shouldn't be here."

Fitz is quiet for a moment before speaking up. "I drove all the way here, Liv. Five hours. It's a long car ride and I realized a few things on the way."

I roll my eyes. "Do you have to be so dramatic?"

Fitz chuckles softly. "Always." He pauses. "First of all, that Thanksgiving night, you said you were willing to give us a chance. You're a strong girl - the strongest I know. So it didn't make sense that you would run after Mellie said she was pregnant." He pauses again before taking a deep breath. "So I got to thinking and I realize now that you were scared. Scared of us. Scared of getting past the hard part. The obstacles. You were scared, Livvy. Not because of Mellie...because of us."

Now is my turn to look away. I feel his eyes on me and I inhale deeply. "I've never had a real, true relationship before, Fitz. Yes, I got scared, okay?"

"I thought that much," Fitz reaches out and rests his hands on my thighs casually. I don't stop him. In fact, I turn to look at him. His expression is so serious, but soft at the same time. "Which brings me to my second realization."

I raise my eyebrow. "Which is?"

"I'm a better guy now," Fitz smiles softly. "Ever since I met you...I don't what it is, Livvy, but you changed me. For the better. I'm just owning up to my mistakes and doing what's best for me. I know that is cliche but you really make me a better person. I can never thank you."

I try not to smile but it happens anyway. "I don't think I made you a better person, Fitz. I just think I made you be truthful to yourself and in time, you just grew into this amazing guy...well, even more amazing guy."

"Either way, thank you," Fitz presses his lips together. "And...my last realization."

"And that is?"

"We really should be together," Fitz declares.

I smirk softly. "Is that so?"

"Yes," Fitz nods confidently.

"Fair enough," I mock him, not able to stop grinning at our playful banter. "Can you give me one good reason why?"

"Actually," Fitz fishes into his jeans pocket and produces a piece of paper. "I can give you five. I wrote these down during the stop lights. Like I said, a lot of extra time."

I giggle. "You are such a nerd, Fitz."

Fitz flashes a dorky grin. "I prefer 'prepared'." His eyes lower to the paper and he somehow manages to read in the dark. "Number one - you're hot and I'm hot."

I burst out laughing. This is so high school. "Is that what you call a reason?"

"Let me finish," Fitz insists, then goes back to reading. "You're hot, I'm hot and that makes us a mega hot power couple. If you give me a chance, I know our relationship would reach the point where we would have children...and our children would, therefore, also be very good looking."

I try to keep a straight face. "Is that so?"

"Yeah," Fitz looks up at me, hopeful.

I cross my legs again, looking very seriously at him. "Hm...I'm intrigued. Go on..."

"Secondly," Fitz recites, before breaking into a soft smile. "You trust me. You trust me a lot. You showed up at my door at your most vulnerable and you fell into my arms. You trusted me even when I almost got you fired. You still trusted me. And I get the feeling you don't trust a lot of people."

"You're right," I raise my eyebrows. "I don't. Valid point. Continue."

Fitz's eyes lower of the paper. "The sex between you and me? It would be hella good."

I giggle. "How can you be so sure?"

"I'm sure," Fitz winks at me and I laugh. He goes down the list. "Reason four...this is a good one... you promised me you would at least give us a chance. You sat on my lap, you kissed me and you promised me. Verbally, you promised. So...you kinda owe me."

"I don't owe you anything," I tease him, pretending to look offended.

Fitz shrugs. "Well, you kinda do." His eyes return to the listen and his expression turns serious again. "Reason five...I love you. And you love me. There is a hell of a lot of love between us. It's really, for the lack of a better word, cool. And I don't have much experience with love but I really do think it's powerful. I think it's worth it." His eyes lift from the paper and lock into mine. "I think we're worth it."

I stop grinning. So much for not getting attached again..."Fitz, you should know that I am really not in a good place right now. I have so much going on and so do you."

"I know that," Fitz finger pushes the end of the paper absently. He sighs. "I know that, Livvy. I also know that whether or not you take me back, I still want to be a part of your life. Your friend, your best friend...whatever. If that's okay with you."

I look at Fitz - really look at him. I reach my hand up and push it against the flow of his wavy hair. He smiles gently at me and I return it. It is so ridiculous how much I love him. How happy he makes me. How much I want him - not just physically.

I close my eyes and bring my hand down from the crown of his head. I cup his cheek before letting hand glide over his collarbone and down his chest until it's in the middle of it. I let it rest there, on top of his heart. "I really missed you, Fitz."

"I missed you too," he mumbles, his voice low and his eyes half parted. "I love you."

I smile softly, even though I know he can't see it. "I love you too. A lot." And I mean that. I have loved him for a while now. I just have weird ways of showing it. "And I don't have a ton of experience with love either."

"Is that why you were scared?" Fitz asks me quietly.

I don't know why I was scared. I take my hand off his chest and interlock it with his. "I'm still scared."

"Me too," Fitz admits. He pauses before he squeezes my hand and shakes his head. "But I am sure. I want to be with you. I'm sure of that. I know it's like, the definition of unconventional. But I am going to make sure you finish Stanford and I am going to make sure you're taken care of while you do."

I already begin shaking my head. I want to stay at Stanford - of course I do. But I can't take his money.

The thing that annoys me about Fitz is how stubborn he is. I love him and I love almost everything about him but the fact that he always gets what he wants makes it so hard. Because I know what I should do. I should turn away right now. How am I gonna let him pay my tuition? I'm not. I know he has the money but no. I'm not letting that happen. "It's alright, Fitz..."

"No, it's not alright," Fitz says firmly. "You're going to finish school and I am going to be by your side when you do. Can you look me in the eye and tell me that's not what you want?"

I bit my lip. "Of course that is what I want, but-"

"Then it's done," Fitz cuts me off. He brings my hand up to his lips and kisses it. "I love you."

I'm trying to be angry but I can't help but smile. I won't ever get tired of hearing him say that. Ever. "And I love you." I look down at the folded list on his lap. "And that was very dorky."

"But cute?" Fitz asks hopefully.

I giggle. "Of course." My eyes linger on his and my smile slowly drops. He should know. He deserves to know before he agrees to spend a penny on me. He deserves to know everything. "My mom died when I was sixteen. She was in a car accident. She died on New Year's Day...and I was at a party when I found out. I...got into drugs and alcohol...and sex." I swallow. "A lot of sex."

He doesn't say anything so I turn away, my hands moving off his. I swallow again, trying to convince myself that I don't need to cry.

If I am going to be with Fitz, I want the whole damn thing. I want a real relationship - something I have never had. Something I don't think he has had either. But in order for that to happen, I need to lay this down in front of us. I need for him to know the truth. The whole truth.

"Everything thought it was a coping mechanism at first. Even I did. But...it didn't take us long to see that it wasn't. It wasn't temporary and it wouldn't pass. It never did." I inhale deeply, biting the inside of my lip so hard I can taste blood. "The thing is, Fitz, I destroyed everything. Relationships with people I cared about, opportunities...my dad is right. I don't know why he won't forgive me, to be honest, but he is right. I brought this on to myself. I don't deserve your help or his help, for that matter. This is the weight of my choices finally catching up to me." I pause before sighing, finally letting tears drop freely out of my eyes. "What I am trying to say is that you should go. You should go and not get involved with me in any way. I wouldn't hold it against you."

"Liv," I hear his voice but I shake my head, not allowing myself to look at him. "Livvy...look at me. Please."

I'm afraid if I open my mouth to answer him, a sob is going to come out instead, so I just shake my head again. I have never spoken to anyone about this before and I am already regretting it. But like I said, he deserved to know.

"Livvy," Fitz mumbles again, this time his hands reaching for mine. "Okay, okay...you don't have to look at me. But just listen. I love you. I don't love you anyway and I don't love you still. I just...love you. And I cannot imagine not being with you."

I close my eyes and try to hold back more tears because that is honestly exactly how I feel. I love him so much. And I never wanted to leave him. I just felt like I had to. But he's right. I was scared. "I-...i'm sorry."

"Don't be," Fitz whispers, leaning and locking his arms around my waist. I move forward so I'm sitting on his lap and I rest my head on his shoulder. God, I missed him. He kisses the side of my neck. "Everything is going to be alright. I'm here now. Everything is going to be fine."

And I believe him.