1.

Adam Parrish was trying very hard not to stare.

It wasn't that he was ashamed; it was that it was Ronan. He kept catching himself staring at Ronan Lynch in the same way he had stared at Blue when they'd first met. Except Blue had been a new girl. Ronan was an old friend, nothing more. They weren't even that close of friends; they just tolerated each other for Gansey's sake. But at some point that tolerance had shifted into friendship. Adam didn't remember when it had happened. He simply realized one day that they had an independent relationship outside of Dick Gansey III's clique. Now he felt something similar. A shifting. Adam had absolutely no idea how it happened.

Now Ronan Lynch was sitting less than two feet away from Adam, looking incredibly good in black jeans and a t-shirt. He was slumped against the side of the backseat door, his arms folded over his chest. His eyes were downcast, but Adam didn't think he was looking at anything in particular. Rather, he was falling asleep.

In the front seat of the Pig, Gansey and Blue were chattering about some foreign species of tree. Adam knew Gansey had very little interest in trees, but he was listening intently to whatever it was Blue was saying anyway. It was the first time she had shown some of her old spirit in the last week since her mother disappeared. Adam was happy for her, although he was slightly worried Gansey would crash the Camaro because he couldn't keep his eyes off her.

Adam glanced at Ronan. His eyes were closed. Adam wondered if Ronan had slept at all the night before. He wondered how Ronan ever got to sleep with the Night Horrors plaguing his dreams. He wondered what it would be like to sleep with Ronan.

"You guys coming?"

Blue and Gansey were both twisted around in their seats, staring expectantly at the boys. Adam realized that they had arrived at 300 Fox Way. Ronan was blinking slowly awake. He scrubbed at his face. "I'll stay here,'' he muttered.

"I'll stay too,'' said Adam. He was at Fox Way often to see Persephone. He didn't feel like facing the crowded house or any of the women who lived there at the moment.

Gansey nodded. "Okay. This'll only take a minute.''

Adam watched Gansey follow Blue into her house. "What are they doing?" He asked Ronan.

Ronan suppressed a yawn. "I don't know, I wasn't paying attention.''

"Me neither.'' Adam's eyes found Ronan again. He looked exhausted, dark purple shadows underneath his light blue eyes, contrasting rather brilliantly with his pale skin.

Adam shifted in his seat. He wasn't used to sitting next to Ronan in the Camaro. Ronan always got the passenger seat, while Blue sat in the back with Adam. Today though, Ronan had offered up the passenger seat for some inexplicable reason. It was a small kindness to Blue, perhaps. Ronan had changed over the summer. He'd grown up. Adam didn't think he knew this mature Ronan very well.

"What's wrong?" Ronan's voice was quiet, muffled by exhaustion.

Adam cocked his head. "Nothing's wrong. Or at least, nothing out of the ordinary.''

Ronan smiled. It was a rare thing. Genuine. Adam liked it, and found himself wising Ronan would do it again.

"You're tired.'' It wasn't a question.

"Yeah.''

"Did you sleep at all last night?"

It was Ronan's turn to shift in his seat. "I did. But . . . not for long.'' Ronan's expression darkened. Adam leaned forward and stretched out a slender hand to rest on Ronan's shoulder. He didn't know why he did it. Ronan watched Adam with a guarded expression. For a moment, Adam thought he would pull away. But Ronan didn't pull away. Instead he lowered his head, so his cheek rested on Adam's hand. Adam lifted his thumb to stroke the pale skin without thinking. Adam could feel the tension leaving Ronan's body as he continued the soothing movement.

With his free hand, Adam unbuckled his seatbelt. He moved over so he was sitting right beside Ronan. The hand he had originally put on Ronan's shoulder was now cupping his cheek. His other arm slid over Ronan's waist. Adam leaned into Ronan. He held his breath. He was not used to this sort of close contact. And it wasn't until Ronan curved into Adam, resting against him, that Adam realized it was the touch he craved. Adam released his breath and closed his eyes.

Adam's mother had never been affectionate. Adam had very few memories of her even hugging him. Robert Parrish only used his body to harm Adam. Adam had wanted so badly for his need for touch to be fulfilled by Blue when they were dating. And she was gentle with him, tender. But there had always been something missing. Now, leaning against Ronan, Adam felt safe. Ronan, wary and distant with almost every person he'd ever met, allowing Adam to share this comfort with him, Adam felt wanted.

Safe and wanted. Two things Adam had never felt.

Ronan gave him both.

Long, beautiful minutes passed. Ronan's breathing fell into a steady cadence that told Adam he had fallen asleep at last. Adam would have liked to remain that way forever, but too soon he heard the door of Fox Way open. He gently pulled away from Ronan, taking care to not wake him. Adam was just putting his seatbelt back on when Gansey climbed into the Pig.

Gansey glanced at Ronan's curled up form. Gansey smiled softly, but it wasn't the kind of smile he gave Blue that had once made Adam jealous. "Is he asleep?"

Adam nodded, smiling to himself as he recalled the recent feeling that had not yet faded. Safe and wanted. "Yeah. He's asleep.''

2.

Adam legs shook slightly as he climbed the stairs at Fox Way.

His heartbeat still felt erratic, his breathing shallow. Today was just about the most exhausting day of Adam's life, both physically and emotionally. He could hear Gansey, Blue, and Henry talking in quiet voices with Maura and Calla in the kitchen.

"I feel perfectly fine,'' said Gansey, for the fifth time in the last two hours. "Honestly, I don't feel any different.''

Adam quickened his pace. He didn't want to hear the response. Enough strange things had happened already. Adam had excused himself from the conversation as soon as he possibly could, which meant he bolted as soon as Maura and Calla were done asking him questions he didn't have the answers to. Everyone assumed he understood the days' events because he was the one that bargained with Cabeswater. They were mistaken.

Ronan had vanished soon after they'd arrived at Fox Way.

Adam paused when he reached the top of the staircase. He listened, angling his body to make his functional ear more accessible. He heard the sound running water coming from the bathroom down the hall. Adam sighed. He ran a hand through his messy hair and started forward.

The bathroom door was ajar. Adam didn't knock, and he didn't hesitate before pushing the door open. Ronan was leaning over the sink, scrubbing furiously at the dried black that was smeared all over his face. The water in the bottom of the sink was discolored a muddy gray.

"Lynch,'' said Adam.

Ronan didn't respond.

"Lynch.''

When Ronan ignored him the second time, Adam strode forward and shut the water off the sink. "Ronan,'' he said severely, "look at me.''

Ronan looked up slowly, blinking hard. The thick black liquid of the unmaking was dripping onto the white tile of the sink. Ronan's hands gripped the edge so hard his knuckles were white, but it didn't disguise the tremor.

Adam stared into Ronan's haunted pale eyes. He swallowed and tore his gaze away. Wordlessly, Adam grabbed the towel hanging above the toilet. He turned the sink back on, dampened the towel, shut the water off. He wrung out the towel, acutely aware of Ronan watching his every movement. Gently, Adam took Ronan's face in one hand and began to clean him up.

The black goo came off more easily than Adam expected. He wiped it away from Ronan's face and neck. It stained Ronan's shirt and hands as well. There wasn't much Adam could do about his clothes, but after he'd finished with the towel he instructed Ronan to wash his hands. To his surprise, Ronan did without a word. Once the unmaking was gone as much as it could be without Ronan taking a proper shower, Adam finally broke the silence. "Are you okay?"

Ronan didn't immediately reply. After a few moments, he whispered, "No.''

"Neither am I,'' admitted Adam. He tried not to look at the scratches and bruises on Ronan's face and neck. The one's Adam had given him.

"Gansey fucking died.'' Ronan's voice was flat.

Adam could still hear Ronan's broken sobs as he knelt beside his friend's still body. His stomach clenched. "Yeah, but he's okay now.'' Adam tried to sound positive.

Ronan stared at the floor. Adam wished there was something he could do for him. Ronan had lost his mother, his best friend, and the forest he dreamt all in the same 24-hour period. Sure, Gansey had been resurrected when Ronan offered Cabeswater in his place. But the scars of seeing him die remained, as they always would. Not to mention Ronan himself had nearly died twice.

"I'm sorry I tried to kill you,'' Adam blurted out, before he could stop himself.

Ronan met Adam's gaze. "That was the demon.''

"I know,'' Adam struggled for the right words. "But . . . but I saw it all. I felt my hands wrap around your neck.'' The memory made him want to vomit. "And there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. The demon had complete control of my body—"

"I know,'' Ronan began, but Adam cut him off.

"—and I was going to kill you. I would have, if it wasn't for the others. I was going to kill you and you didn't try to stop me. You did nothing.'' Emotion pressed on Adam's throat, making it hard to breathe. "Why?" He choked.

"Because I couldn't hurt you,'' said Ronan

"You could have!" Adam retorted. "You wouldn't. You wouldn't hurt me. Why the hell not?"

"You sound angry,'' Ronan calmly observed.

"I am angry! I was about to goddamn kill you and you were going to let me!"

"You've been hurt enough,'' said Ronan, and although the hollowness in his eyes didn't disappear, his voice was steady as he continued. "I wasn't going to be the next person to hurt you, even if it meant me dying.''

Adam waited, not trusting himself to speak.

"I wouldn't hurt you to save myself because people have hurt you too many times already.'' At some point Ronan had let go of the sink. His hands were at his sides. Adam could see them shaking as Ronan finally said, "And I also couldn't hurt you because I fucking love you, Adam.''

Adam thought of the hungry glances. He thought of the kisses. He thought of the night they'd shared, and he thought of his fingers tracing the exquisite tattoo on Ronan's back. Adam stepped closer to Ronan. Ronan didn't back away. He knew even before he spoke that it was the truth, whole and absolute: "I love you too, Ronan.''

Adam wrapped his arms around Ronan's waist and buried his head in Ronan's shoulder before he even knew he was moving. Ronan melted into his embrace, holding Adam too. Adam felt Ronan shaking with silent tears. Adam cried too, softly. Tears for Aurora Lynch, tears for Gansey, tears for the lives they themselves had both nearly lost that day. They held each tightly onto each other, neither willing to let the other go.

Adam loved Ronan Lynch.

Ronan Lynch loved him.

In that moment, Adam felt as if their minds and bodies melded together to form one entity; broken, but beautiful just the same. They stayed that way for a long time.

3.

"What the fuck, Parrish?"

Adam stood in the kitchen, shivering. He shrugged his shoulders lamely.

Ronan was sitting on the countertop, idly stroking Chainsaw, who was perched on his knee. "It's two in the morning.''

"I know,'' Adam replied, a bit awkwardly. "It's just . . . I have work in the morning and I wanted to get a good night's sleep tonight, but the heater broke at Saint Agnes.''

"Shit,'' said Ronan, "it's like negative twenty out there.''

In reality, it was just below freezing in Henrietta. But it felt a helluva lot colder in a tiny room in a tiny church in the middle of the night.

"I couldn't sleep,'' finished Adam. He had tried for hours to fall asleep in his freezing room. It was true that he wanted to get several hours of sleep before work in the morning, but the real reason Adam had driven out to the Barns at 2 AM was that he had been unable to stand the cold any longer.

Ronan had given him the spare key to the Barns when they started dating two months earlier. His reasoning had been, "So I know where to find it when I lose the first key." Ronan had also casually told Adam that he could stop by whenever he wanted to, or if he needed something, or if he was bored and wanted to "fuck around or some shit."

Adam's plan had been to slip into the house unnoticed and get a few hours of sleep on the couch. But then he'd noticed the kitchen light on and had walked in to find Ronan sitting on the countertop feeding Chainsaw a paper napkin, which couldn't have been good for her digestion.

"What are you doing awake anyway?" Adam asked.

Ronan flashed him a smile. "I couldn't sleep.''

Despite the smile, Adam detected a hint of pain in Ronan's voice. It was well-disguised, but Adam knew. He always did. "Another nightmare?"

Ronan regarded Adam carefully for a moment. Then, slowly, he nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Nah.'' Ronan ran his index finger down the curve of Chainsaw's spine. "So are you here to chat or do you wanna fucking sleep?"

"Sleep would be good,'' said Adam dryly.

"Alright.'' Ronan swung his legs over the edge of the counter and hopped down. Chainsaw squawked in protest. "You're fine,'' he told the raven. "Go find Opal. She's always down for a game of hide-and-fucking-seek in the middle of the night.'' He turned to Adam. "You coming?"

Adam blinked. "'Coming'?"

"To bed.''

"Oh, um,'' said Adam quickly, "I was just going to take the couch.''

"Okay,'' said Ronan with a shrug. He started towards his bedroom. Adam hesitated. Then he followed.

Ronan didn't say anything when Adam caught up to him. He didn't say anything when he flicked the light on in his bedroom, or when he tossed Adam an extra hoodie. Adam was already wearing sweatpants and a ratty old sweatshirt, but he was grateful for the extra warmth. Adam didn't say anything either as he tugged it over his head. It was a size too big, so it fell to the top of Adam's thighs and the sleeves covered his hands. He noticed Ronan staring at him.

"What?'' Adam said, self-conscious.

"Nothing.'' Ronan turned away. "It's cute on you.''

Adam felt warmth bloom on his cheeks. "I like your socks,'' he blurted.

Ronan glanced down at his fuzzy rainbow socks. "Matthew got them for me for Christmas. He thinks he's funny.''

"You're wearing them,'' Adam pointed out.

Ronan raised an eyebrow. "Yes, and?"

Adam suppressed a smile. And you're only wearing the socks because they're from Matthew. "Nothing. They're cute on you.''

Ronan rolled his eyes, but there was a ghost of a smile on his lips. "Goodnight, Adam.'' Without another word he turned off the light and climbed in bed.

The blankets were already messed up from Ronan's previously unsuccessful attempt at sleep. Adam tentatively climbed in beside Ronan. Ronan's bed wasn't very big so they were close enough that their knees were touching. Ronan pulled the blankets up around them. He scooted as close to the wall as he could, so Adam could have plenty of room. But Adam didn't want plenty of room.

It was much warmer in Ronan's home, in Ronan's bed, than in Adam's room at St. Agnes. Adam already felt sleep beginning to wash over him. He gazed at Ronan, whose eyes were closed, his long, dark lashes nearly brushing the top of his sharp cheekbones. Ronan looked peaceful. More so than Adam ever saw him in the waking hours of day.

Ronan Lynch was a creature of night. A Dreamer. And, Adam thought with a thrill, a beautiful one. He shivered.

Ronan's eyes blinked open. Even in the dark, Adam could see the pale blue irises. "Are you still cold?"

"I'm warming up,'' said Adam, because there was no way in hell he was going to tell Ronan the real reason he'd just shivered. "Of course, I could always use more heat.''

Ronan's thin lips quirked. "Alright, then.'' He wrapped his arms around Adam and pulled him close. Adam curled into Ronan's chest. Their fingers laced and their legs twined together. They were close enough now that Adam could feel Ronan's warm breath on his neck. "Better?" Ronan whispered into his ear.

Adam inhaled Ronan's scent. His body was properly warm now, yes, but it was nothing compared to the heat that was rapidly spreading through his chest. Although Ronan could not see it, Adam smiled. "Better.''

4.

Adam stretched his long limbs and sighed contentedly.

He rolled over to face Ronan. Ronan was lying on his stomach in the grass, propped up on his elbows, his chin rested on his hands. He was watching with a thoughtful expression as Opal chased Chainsaw around the yard.

It was a warm for early June, but not yet unbearably hot. Adam had the weekend off work so he drove up to the Barns for the day. And, he was thinking as he glanced at the sun beginning to lower in the sky, the night.

"Hey,'' Adam nudged Ronan with a shoulder. "What's up?"

Ronan shot him a side-glance. "Making sure Opal doesn't eat my bird.''

Adam laughed. "That would be unfortunate,'' he agreed. They lapsed back into comfortable silence. Adam watched Ronan. He was a little sad for once, that he would be leaving at the end of the summer. This place. The Barns. It was so beautiful. And Ronan, who was beautiful in the same exquisite way, and whom Adam loved more than he'd ever loved anyone in his life. There were still moments that Adam couldn't quite believe that Ronan was his and that Ronan loved him too. He still felt undeserving at times. Ironically, he knew Ronan felt undeserving of him as well. Adam laughed again, softly. They really were a strange pair.

Ronan ran a hand through Adam's dusty hair. "What's on your mind?"

"I was just thinking about how much I want to kiss you.''

"Mmm.'' Ronan's touch was light as he dragged his hand down Adam's face. He rested his index finger to Adam's lips. "Okay.''

"Move your finger, idiot,'' Adam mumbled.

Ronan grinned. As soon as he moved his finger, Adam was kissing him. He pushed himself up on his elbows to deepen the kiss, and when that was no longer enough he rolled on top of Ronan.

"Adam,'' Ronan gasped in between kisses. "Adam.''

Adam paused his kissing, but did not pull away. Their faces were close enough that they were sharing breath. "Ronan.''

"The girls are right there,'' Ronan murmured against Adam's mouth.

Adam glanced at Opal and Chainsaw. Opal had lost interest in trying to eat Chainsaw and was now playing merrily with her in the grass. Adam turned back to Ronan. "They aren't watching.''

"They haven't noticed yet," said Ronan. Then he continued with a smirk, "We need to preserve their innocence.''

Adam rolled his eyes, but slid off his boyfriend. Ronan scooted closer to him until there was no space between their bodies. Adam wrapped both arms loosely around Ronan's neck. Ronan rested his head on Adam's forearm.

"We'll continue this in my bedroom tonight,'' said Ronan.

"Yes,'' Adam purred. "Yes, we will.''

5.

I really should go to sleep, thought Adam.

But he didn't even attempt it. He was too busy watching Ronan sleep. They were tangled together in Adam's tiny bed in his dorm room. He'd only been reunited with Ronan for a few hours. He'd only been separated from Ronan for a few weeks. A few weeks? It had felt so damn long.

Adam was loving Harvard. He was thriving. Half a semester in, and it was already everything he had hoped and dreamed it would be. He had worked himself nearly to death to get where he was now. But there was one thing Adam had not anticipated when planning his future at a young age: Ronan.

When Adam decided at fifteen to enroll at Aglionby Academy, he did so with the goal of getting into an Ivy League school and never returning to Henrietta. He stuck with that plan, until the November before. Adam had never anticipated falling in love with Ronan Lynch. He thought he would be able to leave Henrietta, abandon his past, without anything tethering him. Ronan made that impossible. Adam thought ruefully that he probably would have resented Ronan for it if he wasn't so deeply in love with him. If he didn't miss him every moment of every day.

Ronan was here now. In Cambridge. With Adam. And he'd spoken of looking for an apartment, moving to Cambridge. Adam scarcely dared to hope. Going to the school he loved, with the man he loved just minutes away? It was the best of both worlds. Adam wanted it. He wanted it badly.

Adam ran a hand lightly over Ronan's shaved head. He caressed the taunt muscles of his shoulder. Both boys were under the sheets in just their boxers, which they put on in case Fletcher came back in the morning before they were awake. Adam smiled at the memory of the few previous hours. It was the kind of smiled that if Gillian saw, she would announce to the rest of the Crying Club that Adam must have just had amazing sex, and then she'd sit him down and demand the juicy details.

Adam brushed his long fingers over Ronan's cheekbone. He carefully touched the dark eyelashes. Ronan shifted a little, his closed eyes twitching. Adam restrained himself from further fondling over his boyfriend. He instead nestled even closer to Ronan, kissed him, and went to sleep.

+1.

Adam Parrish stared at the screen in his shaking hands.

He was sitting on his bed in his dorm, his legs folded underneath him, fighting back tears. Two days. That was how long it had been since he'd turned on his phone and saw the texts that nearly stopped his heart. Two days.

Adam swallowed down the sob rising in his throat. He continued staring at the last texts he had gotten from Ronan, until he could no longer bear it. Adam took a shuddering breath

and called Ronan.

He counted every ring, just as he had so many times over the last two days. He knew exactly how many times the phone would ring until it went to voicemail. He began counting them after the first. He anticipated the sharp disappointment that stabbed in his gut when the phone went to voicemail.

"Hey Ronan,'' said Adam hoarsely. "I'm . . . " He swallowed hard. "I'm sorry I didn't respond to your texts. I left my phone in my dorm during my quiz and . . . I'm sorry. Please, Ronan. Call me back. Or call Gansey. Or Declan. I don't care, just let us know you're okay. We're all really worried.'' Adam paused. Over the last forth-eight hours he had recorded multiple similar messages. He assumed Gansey and Declan had too. Probably Blue and Matthew as well. It wouldn't be long before Ronan's voicemail box was full.

Adam wasn't sure what else to say, so he ended the voicemail. His phone automatically reverted back to the screen he'd been staring at before the call.

And so Adam was staring at Ronan's last texts again.

Tamquam

Adam sank down on the stiff mattress of his bed. He pulled his blankets over his head so if Fletcher returned early he would think Adam was asleep. Adam squeezed his eyes shut, unable to hold back the tears any longer. He clutched his phone to his chest and whispered, "Alter idem.''