Shit. Shit. Shit. This could not be happening right now. I swore I would never step foot there ever again. And here I am, about to go back.
A hand on my shoulder snaps me back to reality and I see Voight standing over me, concern etched on his face.
"Halstead? Hey, you okay kid?" He asks as my vision blurs in and out.
I reach out my hand with the phone in it and he takes it, reading the email. His head drops in understanding.
"Aw, man. I'm sorry Jay," he says to me.
The reality of what is happening finally hits me and my knees buckle, Hank barely catching me.
I sob into his shoulder for what feels like hours, only pulling away when Ruzek interrupts, saying we caught a case.
"Kid, go home. You need to leave in the morning," Voight whispers to me.
I reluctantly nod, shoving past Ruzek and the team to the back, where I am stopped by a very confused Hailey.
"Hey, what the hell is going on?" She demands.
I walk past her and get into my truck, getting ready to get home and pack. She steps in front of my truck and doesn't move.
I sigh and get out, refusing to meet her eyes.
"Jay. What's happening?" She asks again.
"They're sending me back," I mutter, giving in.
"Who's sending you back where?" She asks, even more confused.
This time I don't answer her. It takes her a minute, but then her eyes light up and she curses. "Shit Jay, I'm so sorry, I wasn't even thinking."
"It's alright. I just, I wasn't going to tell anybody Hails," I say and she immediately understands.
"Of course Jay, whatever you need," she says.
"Could you tell Voight that I don't want anybody to know?" I ask nervously, already feeling the effects of going into a war zone.
"Of course. I'm coming over later though, okay? You shouldn't be alone right now," she tells me. I know not to argue with her about this so I nod.
She smiles at me and I get back into my truck, this time driving away. I let the thoughts of my time in the army cloud my mind for the first time in a long time.
None of it was good. Not one minute over there could have been described as good in any way. It was complete and absolute hell.
I lost more friends than anyone should in a lifetime and I knew how bad of a toll it had begun to take on me.
So I quit. I said goodbye to the military and didn't look back. The last time I even spared a thought to my tours was for a case or to help another soldier.
Which is why I crashed when I got home. I laid down and passed out, not caring about the nightmares that would inevitably invade my mind.
CPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPD
The pounding on my door jerked me awake. I pushed myself off the bed and stumbled to the door.
I opened it to find a concerned Hailey on the other side. I could see her mouth moving frantically, but for the life of me, I couldn't hear the words.
The images from my nightmare were still haunting me. I couldn't concentrate on anything else.
I don't even remember walking to the couch, but a harsh slap to the face brought me back. Hailey was standing there, her hands gripping my face tightly.
"Jay, are you okay?" She asks, my hearing finally returning.
"Fine," I mutter, shaking her hands off.
She shoots me a stern look but I ignore her, heading back to my bedroom. I dig into the back of my closet and pull out the several fatigues I store in there.
I shove them roughly into a bag and make sure to pack up my guns and anything else I know I'll need.
It may have been a long time since I served but I still remember what to pack. Everything I would need was drilled into my head from day one. And they never let you forget anything, cause it could mean your death.
Then I pull on a set of fatigues. They still fit me perfectly. I step out of the bedroom and meet Hailey in the kitchen.
She looks me up and down and smiles sadly. She takes my bag and motions to the door.
I give her a questioning look. "Come on, I'm driving you to the airport."
"No Hailey, you don't have to do that," I say, but she ignores me.
"Jay, let me help you. You don't have to do this alone," she says.
She doesn't wait for a response, just grabs my arm and leads me out of my apartment, locking the door behind us. I follow her to her car and climb in.
"Hailey," I start.
"Yeah?" She says.
"I just, I don't know. You realize that I might not make it back from this one?" I ask.
"Jay. I know you. And I know that you'll do everything in your power to make it home. But I know shit happens and I'm prepared for the possibility that you might not," she says.
I nod at this, slightly confused. Obviously I'm happy she understands the risks, unlike Will or my mom did, but how prepared was she really?
We stay silent for the rest of the drive, neither of us knowing what to say. Before we know it, we're at the airport and my nerves are worse than ever.
My hands are already shaking and the dreadful feeling in the pit of my stomach is there again, just like all my other tours.
Hailey notices and takes my hand in hers, squeezing it tight. "Let's go. I believe in you, Jay."
I nod and step out of the car. She takes my hand again and we walk inside together.
She stays by my side all the way through security and to the checkpoint. She sits with me until my flight is called.
That's when I really start panicking. I guess I had been avoiding it somehow, not really letting myself believe it was happening until that moment that I got ready to board.
Hailey of course notices my breathing pick up and pulls me to the side, taking my face in both of her hands and whispering firm but comforting words to me as I calm my breathing.
But this time her voice isn't enough to instantly calm me down like it usually does. This time she plants her lips on mine, snapping me back to reality.
I can feel everyone's pitying glances since I am in fatigues, obviously going away to war. I ignore them though, not caring about anything but our kiss.
It deepens and we interlock our tongues, wrapping ourselves in each other. Then I feel two hands land on my shoulders and I tense, ready to attack.
"Halstead! Damn man, you were really out of it there," I hear a familiar voice say.
I turn around with an annoyed smirk. "Marcus. Do you mind?"
He laughs and shakes his head. "You coming dude? Everyone has boarded."
"Yeah, I'll be right there," I say.
He nods and walks away.
"I'm sorry about him, we used to serve together," I explain to Hailey.
"No, it's okay. You should go. And Jay?" She says as I turn away.
"Yeah?"
"Stay safe."
At that, I force myself to walk away. If I don't do it now I'll never be able to. So I pick up my bags and walk to my checkpoint. I walk onto the plane without a glance backward.
CPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPD
Four Months Later
"Sarge? I know you told us to stop asking, but where the hell is Halstead?" Adam finally speaks up.
Everybody turns to look at Voight, wanting to know the same thing. Hailey and Voight had respected Jay's wishes and not told anybody.
Voight thinks for a moment and motions for Hailey to join him in his office. She follows and Adam throws his arms out when he doesn't get an answer.
She closes the door behind her and sits nervously.
"Have you heard anything yet?" Voight asks slowly.
"No Sarge, nothing. It's been two months since he last contacted us, why hasn't anybody talked to us yet?" Hailey asks, worried.
After Jay deployed, he did his best to email or skype as much as he could. But two months ago all communication stopped. They both assumed the worst.
"I don't know. It could be any number of things," Voight answers, not believing his own words. "I think it's time we tell the team. They deserve to know."
"We can't. Jay asked me not to tell them until he got back. We have to respect that," Hailey argues.
"Hailey, we don't even know if he is still alive," Voight says. "If we're right and something happened to him, they need to know."
"Can we please just wait until we hear something? We should know for sure until they hear it," Hailey pleads.
"Fine. I'll call again, see if they can tell me anything this time. But you should be prepared for the worst, Hailey."
"Thank you, Sarge."
He nods as she leaves. With a sigh, he picks up the phone and dials the number for Jay's commander for the hundredth time. He is surprised when someone answers.
"Hello, Commander Matthews' office," a voice comes through.
"Yes, this is Sergeant Voight from the Chicago Police Department. I need to talk to the commander. It's urgent," Voight says.
"Ok, one second," they say.
A minute later, the commander picks up. "Commander Matthews, what can I do for you, Sergeant?"
"Yeah, I have a detective in my unit that just got deployed. We haven't heard anything in over two months now. I'm wondering if you could tell me anything?"
"Jay Halstead?" The commander asks sadly.
"What happened?" Voight asks.
"About two months ago our team ran into a group of insurgents and we were outnumbered. We lost a lot of men," the commander begins.
Voight hangs his head and tries to hold back tears. The commander keeps talking.
"But we don't think Halstead was one of them. We couldn't locate him. He's been declared as missing in action."
"Thank you," Voight chokes out and hangs up. He sits down in his chair and puts his face in his hands.
Hailey rushes in when she sees him hang up and she falls into the chair across from Hank when she sees his eyes filled with tears.
"Oh god," Hailey mutters.
"He's been declared M.I.A."
She lets a few tears fall and he walks over to her. "Hailey, I think we need to tell the team now."
She hesitates. Then she nods and stands up, wiping away her tears. They walk into the bullpen together, addressing the confused team.
"Sarge, Hailey, what's going on? Is this about Jay?" Antonio asks nervously.
"Yes. It is," Voight starts and looks to Hailey, asking if she wants to tell them.
"Four months ago, Jay got an email from his old commander in the army. It said that he had to go back. They didn't know how long. The reason none of you were told was because Jay asked me not to tell anyone and we were respecting his wishes," Hailey explains.
Nobody says anything for a few minutes. They all stand there in shock, not knowing how to react.
"So Jay is in Afghanistan right now? Like serving a tour?" Adam asks.
"Yes. He is. But roughly two months, we stopped getting emails and calls from him. We didn't know what to think, so we tried getting information from his commander, with no luck. Today the commander answered. Jay has been officially declared as M.I.A," Voight tells them.
It takes a minute for it to sink in. Then Antonio turns and punches the wall behind him, yelling curses in Spanish.
Everyone is silent as he rushes from the room, still yelling.
"What did he say? Are they going to try and get him back?" Adam asks.
Voight and Hailey both look at the ground. "What is it?"
"They don't know for sure he is missing. They said he disappeared when their team was ambushed, so they assumed he was taken. They have no idea where to even start," Voight says.
"Damn," Kevin curses, falling into his chair.
Hailey can feel the tears about to fall, so she heads to the break room. Voight follows, and she immediately starts crying.
"I can't lose him, Sarge," she sobs.
"I know. None of us can. But we all have to be strong, for Jay," he says.
"Yeah," she whispers.
He is about to say something else, but they hear a commotion in the break room and they go out to find Mouse, standing in front of them with his fatigues still on.
"Mouse?" Voight says in shock.
"Hey Sergeant. It's been a while," Mouse says, shaking Voight's outstretched hand.
"Mouse, what are you doing here?" Voight asks.
"The commander sent me. About Jay," he says as a way of explanation.
He sees the confused looks getting thrown his way and explains further. "Our commander is sending me and another guy in to try and get Jay out. He's one of the Army's best guys. I'm gonna do everything I can to get him back guys."
"When are you leaving?" Antonio asks.
"Tonight. We're getting on a plane and flying back to Afghanistan," Mouse says.
"Okay. So when will you have him back?" Voight asks.
"Well, hopefully in a day or two. You guys are coming with, though," Mouse says.
"Wait, what?" Adam asks.
"Yeah, our commander is letting you fly over there with me and my guys and you can watch the raid from the camp there. As long as Voight okays it," Mouse explains.
"Seriously?" Antonio asks. Mouse nods and everyone turns to look at Voight.
"Will it be dangerous?" Voight asks Mouse.
"Probably. I mean, it's dangerous over there no matter what. But you won't be leaving camp so there is a good chance you will be fine," Mouse tells him.
Voight takes a minute to look around at his team and starts nodding. "Okay. We're coming."
Mouse smiles and nods before motioning for them to follow him.
"Where are we going?"
"To each of your apartments. You need to get a bag packed first," Mouse says.
"Right. Let's go," Voight says.