I discover myself on the verge of a usual mistake.

- Walt Whitman

February 14th

10:30 PM

Olivia's POV

I lean my head on Fitz's shoulder and watch as he orders us pizza on his laptop. "You don't have to order us that much...since, you know, I'm not eating for two."

Fitz chuckles softly. "Noted."

I can tell he's a little upset that all seven of the tests were negative but I don't hold that against him because I also know he's aware of just how insane a baby would be for us right now. That, and for a small second there, I had hoped the tests would be positive as well. I know that's crazy but it's inexplicable. Just for a second...

I lean over and close his MacBook. I wrap my leg around his waist and pull up the blanket between us. The bed is a long twin so I'm practically on top of him but I don't exactly mind. "What're you thinking about?"

Fitz pulls me closer and I feel him sigh. "The pregnancy tests. What if they were wrong?"

I lean up slightly and kiss his cheek. I knew he was a little upset. I mean, we were both practically shaking while waiting for the tests but I think...I think there was a sort of vibe, you know? I don't know how to explain it but I think it would be kinda...exciting if I was pregnant. I mean, it would be scary because neither of us are in a position to take care of a kid. But we could have handled it, I know that. And I am a little disappointed too. I couldn't stop picturing a little baby boy or girl in our arms...

When the first test was done, the little window read NOT PREGNANT. I was mostly relieved but a tiny part of me felt broken. Fitz was in denial until all the tests were completely. Then he kinda just sighed, presumably out of both relief and disappointment. I just started crying, out of so many mixed feelings and Fitz held me anyway.

He took me to bed and went in the bathroom. He collected all the tests, put them in a plastic bag and took them out the dorm and in an undisclosed location. He wanted the whole situation out of sight, out of mind. I can't say I didn't agree with him.

We don't really need to have a discussion about protection or anything. I'm on the pill - I always have been and I always will be (maybe. I don't know). And we're both clean. I knew he was clean just because he's Fitz. He's not a fuckboy, he never was. He doesn't sleep around. I get that he had every right to be concerned about me, but he wasn't. We just got tested a long time ago, even though we both trusted each other. So I think things will just go on like they always had.

"There are rarely false negatives," I remind him gently, my hand on his chest. "Especially with seven tests."

"Okay, but let's say you somehow were pregnant," Fitz looks at me, a serious expression on his face. "What would we do? You're so young and...something's gotta give, Livvy."

I look back at him. "What are you talking about?"

"Our relationship...it's unsteady," he struggles to explain. "I mean, we don't have any support. We-"

"Do you want to break up?" I ask him point blank.

If the answer is yes, he doesn't need to dance around it. My heart would already be broken. Despite all of this insane crap we put up with on a daily basis, I love him. And I need him in my life.

Fitz holds me tightly. "No, I don't want to break up. And I don't want to ever hear you talk like that again. What I want is...I want security."

I close my eyes, relieved that he feels the same way. But I still don't know what he means. "And that is...?"

I feel him sigh again. "I don't know...I want to talk to your father."

My eyes flutter back open. I sit up. "What? What are you talking about?"

Fitz loops his arm around my waist. "I just...I don't know how to explain it, Livvy. It's not about money. It's just about...if you were pregnant and agreed to go through with it and keep him or her, I would want my baby to know their grandfather." He pauses. "And I know it's still a little early to talk about this, but I would want to know him before we get married. If we do. Do you understand?

I lean back against the headboard. "I'm sorry, baby, but I don't understand. And that is saying a lot for me, because I usually know exactly what you mean. But this time is different."

"I can't explain it," Fitz repeats , still laying down. . "I just want to see your dad. And I think you want to see him too. Do you think that's possible?"

I don't say anything. It took me two years to accept him disowning me and I just got over it. I don't want this to be a thing anymore. Why can't Fitz get that?

"If you're so uncomfortable with it, I won't even bring it up again," he assures me softly, as if reading my mind. He leans forward and kisses my hip. "But just think about it."

I do think about it. Not only right now - I think about it very often. I still love my father, whether I want to or not. He was there for me - he took care of me. Not just after my mother died - before that, he was still a pretty great father. Maybe not the best one in the world. I mean, he did make some mistakes, like I am sure all parents do. He wasn't always the best - he focused on his work and not on his family at times. But he did provide for me and made sure I had everything I wanted and needed. I love him. But I don't think the feeling is mutual.

I know I was the opposite of a good daughter. I lied and got into so much horrible crap. But through all that, he forgave me. He gave me the benefit of the doubt. He accepted me. So why he just gave up over a video, I will never know.

I still want to see him. I miss him. For a while, he was all I had. If I never see his face again, I won't die, you know? I can live without it. I can be happy. These two years have been the best of my life, all because of Fitz.

But that doesn't change the fact that my father is my father. He is blood. He may hate me but I don't hate him. I'm actually pretty damn grateful for him, for what it's worth. And I am so sorry for being such a poor excuse for a daughter while I was his.

Basically, I have lost all hope at ever reconciling what we had as a family. I love Fitz and I happy with him. I understand that he wants to meet him, I do. But I am scared. I am terrified. If we actually get up to Baltimore and my father refuses to see me, I'm gonna deal with this heartbreak all over again. And I don't want that. I'm scared.

"What if he still hates me?" I ask quietly, desperate for an answer.

"Then he's an idiot," Fitz replies matter of factly. "He'll forgive you, Livvy. And if he doesn't, it'll just prove he's not worth it. And we never have to go to Maryland again if you don't want to."

I don't say anything, so Fitz continues. "I'm dead ass serious Liv. If it's giving you heart palpitations thinking about seeing him, we won't. But personally, I would like to meet the love of my life's father."

I smile hearing him say that. "I'll think about it, Fitz." And I mean that.

Fitz opens his laptop back up, but not before giving me a kiss on the cheek. "I'm proud of you, baby. My father and I may not talk anymore, but I am happy you might have another chance with yours."

"I think I'm happy too," I tell him candidly. I pause. "If we're being honest right here, right now...I have something else you should know."

"What's up?"

I inhale deeply. My feelings don't make sense - they never do. But if there is one person that has a fraction of a chance in understanding them, it's Fitz. "The baby...I mean, hypothetical one...I was almost kind of hoping it was there."

He doesn't say anything.

I go on, even though it's hard. It's the hardest thing in the world. "I don't...know how to explain it. I know we couldn't do it, I know that. I mean...maybe we could, but I know it's best that we don't have to." I take a deep breath. "I know that. But there was little part of me...just a small part...that was hoping. Just hoping."

Realistically speaking, I know that having a baby would be the craziest thing in the world right now.

"Me too, Liv," Fitz sighs. "Me too."

April 5th, 2017

3:00 PM

Baltimore, Maryland

Fitz looks over at me. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I look towards the window, hoping he doesn't catch on to my complete bullshit. My leg can't stop shaking. I don't remember being this nervous since two months ago when I took those pregnancy tests. "Keep your eyes on the road."

Fitz pulls our rented car over on the highway, which finally makes me look at him. "What's wrong?"

"You tell me," Fitz puts his hand on top of mine. "You can't stop shaking. You got no sleep back home, let alone the plane ride. I'm gonna ask you this again, baby...do you really want to do this? Do you really want to go see your father?"

Yes. No. I don't really know. I want whatever Fitz wants. I want to make him happy. And yes, I miss my father. But I know it's not as easy as just showing up on his doorstep and begging him to forgive me. It's just not.

I swallow. "Yes, but...what if he's not there?" My eyes widen. "Oh my god, what if he's dead? What if he fucking died and I wasn't there to say goodbye? Fitz!"

Fitz brings my hand up to his mouth and kisses it softly. "No one is dead, Livvy, I promise. And I know you haven't spoken to him in around two years but I know everything will be just fine."

I stare into Fitz's royal blue eyes. He is so good at making promises he definitely cannot back up. I glance down at my peach sweater and skinny jeans with combat boots. "Is my outfit slutty?"

Fitz moves a wavy lock of hair away from my face. "You're outfit is the complete opposite of slutty. You look beautiful. You could be a nun. Can I start the car now?"

"No, I'm scared," I admit, shaking my head, inhaling deeply. "There is a very real possibility of him shutting the door on our faces, Fitz. We haven't even told him we're coming..."

"Either way, everything will be alright," Fitz goes back onto driving. "Now shh...worrying won't solve anything and I need to hear the GPS. I can't understand the driving in Baltimore for my entire life."

I turn back to the window, still holding on to Fitz's hand. I missed Maryland, but I don't feel like I belong here. I feel out of place. This isn't home to me - not anymore.

I walk up the steps of the townhouse, my heart beating faster than I believe to be humanly possible. I wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans but Fitz reaches down and grabs one, holding on tightly.

I think he's nervous too.

It's the early afternoon and still work time but it's Saturday and my father doesn't work on Saturdays. He doesn't have much of a social life, so I can't think of a reason why he wouldn't be home, which makes it all the harder to sheepishly knock on the door of my own house.

The door swings open in a matter of seconds.

He stands in front of me, Eli Pope. He looks the same - tall, wrinkled with greying hair. He is wearing a brown sweater with jeans, which I can't ever remember my father ever wearing. He looks at me, Fitz, then back at me.

He is gonna shut the door - I feel it in my gut. And I am going to cry like a little bitch baby when it happens. We should have never come here.

"Olivia," he speaks evenly.

I swallow. It's been so long since I have heard his voice. I can't do or say anything. I'm frozen.

Fitz does it for me. He smiles confidently and opens the screen door himself, holding out his free hand. "Hello, Mr. Pope. I'm Fitzgerald Grant."

My father doesn't shake Fitz's hand, but he looks civil enough. "And your Olivia's...?"

"I'm Livvy boyfriend..." Fitz answers shortly. I can tell he is unsure of my father's reaction and I feel the same way. I still think he has half a mind to slam the door in our faces any minute now.

"Why don't you come inside?" Eli steps to the side and opens the screen door fully. "It's cold out."

Fitz's POV

"How long are you two in town?" Eli doesn't look at us as he walks down the hall.

"Just the weekend," I reply, squeezing Liv's hand. I can't get my eyes off the inside of this house.

It's the complete opposite of what I expected. It doesn't look like Livvy grew up in it at all - at least not the Livvy I know. It's dark but not modern. It's very spacious and all the furniture is old fashion. It just looks like a museum or a traditional office. It's still kind of warm, though. I can't find the words to explain it. It looks like a big attic.

From what I can tell, Eli Pope is a lot like Jerry Grant. He is cool, calm but I can see that underneath all that is hell. I am just trying to be level and confident for Liv - who looks like she could have a breakdown at any minute.

That said, I'm surprised he let us in and if he did, I guess that means he's a good man. Or he could just be really passive aggressive. Either one.

In case you were wondering, I don't think about what happened a few months ago. I just don't think about it. Because I know that even if she was pregnant, there would be no way in hell we could take care of that baby the way it deserved to be taken care of. We couldn't give him or her the time or attention...we just couldn't. Wanting something, loving something is just not enough. So I don't think about it.

But that whole situation did bring us here, in a way. It made me realize how off the books our relationship is. And there is also something I need to do while I'm here.

I wonder how much he knows about me - if he knows at all. If Liv is being honest, he hasn't talked to her ever since like, November of 2015, which is a long time ago. And that means he knows nothing at all. He doesn't know me, and he doesn't know us. He has no clue about Thanksgiving, Mellie, Christmas, our fights, Italy, Palm Springs. Nothing.

More importantly, he doesn't know the new Liv. The happier, older, more mature Liv. The more responsible but still Livvy, Liv. I hope he does get to know her.

None of this matters if Eli kicks us out, or just tells Olivia he wants nothing to do with her. Isn't that what he's been saying for like, two years now? The more I think about it, the more I realize how shady this is. I mean, I don't think men like Eli just up and change their mind when they're brought back to reality, if that makes sense. I don't think he's forgiven her.

And I think that this weekend will make that very clear.

AN: WOW thank you all for your incredible response towards the last chapter. That chapter got more reviews than any other one in either of my stories, so thank you. I did take all of your reviews and messages in consideration but in the end, I decided to stick with my original decision and make this just a pregnancy scare. I'm sorry to those of you who did want an Olitz baby but in my opinion, it is too early for these two. I just hoped that the idea of a baby would bring this story into another depth! But there will be babies sometime in the near future :)