Summary:

For a long moment Trip wanted to be selfish.

But he'd already lost his sister to this madness, he can't lose his brother as well.

Phlox had two thoughts running through his head as the captain exited sickbay...

'What have I done?' and 'How did I miss so much?'

- (Trip and Phlox) -

- (Trip) -

Trip didn't know what to expect, when he confronted Jon about what's been happening.

He knew that last night, T'Pol had been distracted and had called the session off….

He pushed as gently as he could, to find out what was wrong.

He almost wished he'd not asked, after she told him about the conversation, she'd had with Jon.

Trip left her quarters more unsettled than usual; he'd been doing his best to ignore the signs from Jon.

He just wanted to complete the mission and spend time with T'Pol.

So, it was with some trepidation that he walked onto the bridge. He was almost staggered by the amount of gloom, in the room. But he pushed through.

He noticed right after asking to speak to Jon privately, that T'Pol became very uneasy. Like she's worried about something.

But what, he's not sure, surely not about him.

No, he watched her glance at the back of the captain. There was a hint of sadness and concern in her eyes.

Trip didn't realize it until much later… but that look of concern for Jon, was more then she'd ever given him.

Trip never one to beat around the bush, let Jon know right away why he was there.

Trip was beyond surprised, at first, that Jon knew about the sessions. He reacted in anger, and he realized a bit of jealousy on his part.

However, as Jon 'explained' why he'd not said anything. Trip watched him; they had been friends for years. Trip knows how Jon thinks, it made them a great team in the beginning.

Now, Jon is all but withdrawn completely from everyone.

Trip can see, this is more than just about the pressure from the mission.

That made Trip's heart ache at how much he'd missed, when it came to one of his closest friends… or at least used to be.

No there is more to it.

He finally realized a few things, when Jon told him, that he couldn't afford to think about things he 'couldn't change', suddenly Trip realized that for all the pressure… Jon had continued trying to be around them, until the sessions became known.

After that, Jon avoided them both like the plague.

Trip's statement about Jon being in love with T'Pol, seem to hit him, like a torpedo.

Trip expected a denial or something… anything other than the flinch.

Seeing Jon deflate and pull away, is something Trip never thought he'd see, from one of the strongest men he knows.

Trip was seriously considering pushing more, but he can easily read, his old friend's body language. Even as his back is turned to him, staring out the window. He can see how tense Jon's body is right now.

He knows that Jon is hurting and mad. Not to mention the amount of stress he must be under.

Trip felt guilty, he didn't even consider the amount of pressure, this mission has had on Jon. If there's one thing he knows about him, it's how important being captain of the ship is to him.

Trip knows how much he himself is stressing from his job, and the pressure to save their people.

He couldn't even imagine, how much worse it is for Jon.

On top of all that… loving a woman that he can't be with.

Trip is well aware of the fraternization rules, and he had made sure it wouldn't apply to him.

He tried to avoid getting into relationships with crewmembers.

He talks a good game, but he's very aware of his position on the ship.

He never expected to develop feelings for T'Pol, sure he'd always known she is a very beautiful woman.

But she's been… he hated to call it cold… no, disinterested, but that is the closest he can come up with.

Whenever he thought about it, he figured that they are both the same rank. The fact that she is the first officer and in charge whenever Jon is gone, he didn't think about or ignored.

He'd noticed that since they started doing the sessions, they seem to become closer. He can sometimes swear when they are touching, he can feel something from her.

He'd never asked her, for fear that she would stop.

He'd heard rumors that Vulcans are somewhat telepathic.

However, all that doesn't matter. Trip realized that Jon's had feelings for T'Pol and has for some time.

He's not surprised that Jon didn't try to stop them. He knows Jon would never stand in the way of someone else's happiness, even at the expense of his own.

He's got a lot to think about. He looked up to see Jon still standing rigidly, staring out the window.

Trip decided to leave and hope to salvage what's left of their friendship.

He quietly said, "I'm so sorry Jon." Then he turned to walk out, of the ready room.

He walked past T'Pol at her science station. He didn't do more than glance at her, when he knows she's watching him, trying to determine what happened.

That's when he thought about the other side of the equation.

How does T'Pol feel about this, if he's honest with himself, based on the history between both Jon and T'Pol.

As well as the distress he could hear in her voice, when she talked about the conversation, she'd had with him yesterday. He believes she might have similar feelings for Jon.

For a long moment, Trip wanted to be selfish.

Jon had decided, to not act on his feelings, and he thinks that with enough time T'Pol might develop feelings for him instead.

However, the amount of pain he's seen in Jon's eyes and can hear in his voice. He can't do that to his friend… no they are brothers.

He'd already lost a sister to this madness; he won't lose his brother as well.

It's not worth it, especially something that wouldn't even be a sure thing.

As it stands, if he was to bet, on the chances of T'Pol having stronger feelings for either himself or Jon… he's pretty sure he'd lose.

He should have listened to his instincts, when the doctor first spoke to both him and T'Pol about the Neuro-pressure sessions.

He could see how uneasy she was about them, and when she stated they are reserved for bondmates… or spouses.

After the slight thrill, of being alone with a very beautiful woman in an intimate setting subsided. He realized that she is his friend, and this makes her uncomfortable.

Yet the doctor persisted, and they both agreed. She more reluctantly then he did.

That's it, he's going to go talk to Phlox and ask for another option. He'll send a message to T'Pol later, stating he can't in good conscience, continue their sessions.

He felt a little bit of relive, when he made his decision.

A small part of him had always felt that his developing feelings, were somehow betraying someone.

He had refused to look to deeply into it, content to have that time in an intimate setting, with a beautiful woman.

Even if nothing ever happened.

He knows now, that even if he'd not thought about it, consciously. He'd known that those feelings of betrayal were about Jon.

That's the only reason he can think of, that he'd not confronted Jon about his withdrawing from them.

He felt shame, at how long it had taken him to recognize, just how much Jon is hurting.

Because he didn't want to deal with the fact, that he'd known, or at least suspected, that Jon harbored deeper feelings for T'Pol.

And if he was to continue to be honest, he suspects that she harbors the same feelings for Jon.

Jon had gone out of his way, at the beginning of the mission, to make sure he was okay. Spending time with him drinking in his sister's memory.

But when Jon needed someone, Trip was too busy.

Trip has never been, what his momma would call a 'homewrecker', and he sure ain't gonna start now.

He plans on pushing, as gently as possible, those two together.

Trip understands Jon's reluctance, he doesn't seem to know that T'Pol, shares the same feelings for him.

Trip also knows that Jon is the captain, and nothing is more important than that.

Trip has taken enough leadership classes and been around enough captains to know that at any time, the captain could very well have to order a crewmember to their death. In order to save the ship or complete the mission.

Granted it would kill Jon, and likely Jon would not order it, he'd try to do it himself.

With a deep sigh, he walked onto the turbolift, to head to sickbay.

Trip entered sickbay, looking for Phlox.

"Ah commander, what can I do for you?"

"Yeah doc, I need another option to help me sleep at night…"

"What's wrong with the current method?"

"Nothing, except it… well I just can't do it anymore." Trip couldn't think of any reason that wouldn't reveal personal information, that isn't his to reveal.

"Is there something going on, with commander T'Pol?"

"No… I mean yes, I'm developing feelings for her, doc, that isn't good."

"Why not?"

"Well for one, doc she doesn't feel the same way, and another she's the first officer and my direct superior."

"So?"

"It's against the rules."

"Okay, but surely a mission as dangerous as this, it's expected for people to become close…"

"Doc… she doesn't feel the same way about me."

"What changed, just the other day, you told me that she seemed to start to enjoy the sessions?"

"I was wrong."

Trip watched Phlox looking at him intently as if he could read his mind. "What's really going on, commander?"

Trip without thinking, asked the question, he'd been thinking about on the way here. "Why didn't you recommend Jon have those sessions? He needs sleep more than I do?"

"What brought that up?"

"Have you not noticed how much Jon has withdrawn from everyone?"

Trip could see Phlox stop and look down like he was looking inward.

"I see what you mean, however, why does that mean you have to stop the sessions?"

"Dammit doc, he loves her!" Trip stopped after he blurted it out. It was as much a surprise to him as it was to Phlox.

Trip felt his heart ache a little, after he'd said it, as it had sunk in.

Even when Trip had told Jon earlier, it didn't sink in at the time, but now… Trip knows it's true.

"Look doc, just forget I said anything. I'll figure out another way to get sleep. I gotta go, my engines need me." Trip needed to get away, to lick his wounds, and before he said anymore.

Trip made a hasty escape from sickbay and headed straight to engineering.

He did the one thing that always made him happy, he went to work on his engines. Making sure everything continued to run smoothly.

He finished some maintenance, on one of the subsystems, when he knows he can't put it off any longer.

He stepped into his office and sent T'Pol a short message, about stopping the sessions. He decided not to say any more or give any reason. He's sure she could figure it out, on her own.

It was less than 10 minutes later that he spotted T'Pol walk into engineering and look around.

For a few seconds, Trip felt happy, that maybe she'd gotten the message. And is here to tell him, she didn't want to stop.

He walked towards her, she asked to speak to him in private.

He led her into his office, and he felt his happy feelings start to dissipate, when she stayed standing by the door. She seems to be holding herself even stiffer than normal.

"I need to inform you, that I can no longer perform Neuro-Pressure treatments on you." T'Pol said suddenly and continued, before he could say anything. "I've noticed that as the treatments continued, you seem to be developing feelings for me. However, I'm the first officer and it's not only against the rules, but also, I don't…" T'Pol trailed off, but Trip had been around her long enough, to know she was going to say, she doesn't have feelings for him.

Still he had to try, his earlier altruistic need to stop the sessions, were waylaid in his need to keep spending time with her. "Uh, the captain said, he wasn't going to say anything, as long as we keep it out of the public..."

In an unusual move, T'Pol interrupted him. "Wait, you've discussed this with captain Archer?"

"Well, kind of, he told me that he'd known about our sessions, and how it was against the rules, but he was willing to look the other way…" Trip said silently thinking to himself, 'as long as Jon didn't have to see it and have to deal with it.'

"I see, however that doesn't change anything. I apologize I cannot continue them…"

"That's okay, I'm guessing you haven't checked your messages lately. I sent one to you."

He watched her pull a PADD out and look it up. She then looked up slightly confused, asking, "If you sent this before I showed up, why have you been trying, to make me continue?"

Trip looked down and with a deep sigh, "I didn't want to stop, beyond just being able to sleep better. I enjoy what we do, and I thought maybe you were starting to as well."

He saw her look away, wondering what it could mean, he asked.

"I admit the sessions, are somewhat enjoyable, but it's not you…" she stopped, so Trip finished it for her.

"When you think about the sessions, it's not me, you picture, but Jon." Trip stated almost flatly.

Trip can't recall ever seeing surprise on her face so clearly. "I understand T'Pol, I hope you get everything figured out."

T'Pol started to reach for the door control, but stopped, adding, "Anyone can do those treatments… I hope you find someone that would be willing to do them with you."

Trip bit his tongue, to keep from saying that it's her, that he wanted the treatments from. However, he knows it's not worth it. He nods sadly at her in thanks.

Trip watched her walk away, before she exited engineering he said, "Jon loves you, T'Pol." He doesn't know if she had heard it or not, but it doesn't matter.

A few days later, his request for extra help had finally been answered. When a couple of MACOs that had engineering training, were sent to help.

He sent one with his second, and feeling a connection to this Amanda Cole, he decided to see what she knows.

- (Phlox) -

Phlox almost stumbled to his desk chair, after the captain left sickbay. Two thoughts kept running through his head as he sat down.

'What have I done', and 'how did I miss so much.'

Phlox had not expected his day to go like this.

He's been a doctor for many years, and has become quite accustomed to expecting the unexpected, especially on this ship and in this unpredictable and hostile part of space.

Not to mention how vital the mission is.

He's thankful that Elizabeth had not requested another posting, like she'd been thinking about.

Although there are times, he almost wishes she had. So, she wouldn't be here, in as much danger as the rest of the crew.

However selfish it may be.

However, it wasn't mortal danger or even Elizabeth that shook Phlox today.

- (Flashback) -

Phlox looked up from his never-ending paperwork when he heard the outer sickbay doors open. He peeked out to see a distraught commander Tucker walk in.

Putting on his best bedside manner, he walked out to greet him.

As he tried to find out, from Trip, why he can't continue the treatments. He was let in on a couple of truths.

It would seem, that he still has more to learn, about humans. Despite having studied their behavior and lived with them for several years.

As much as he was surprised, by the confession from Trip, about his feelings and the captain's feelings, for the same woman.

It was the innocent question about the captain, that had stopped him short.

He realized that he'd been neglecting his duties to the crew. He'd rarely seen the captain, or commander T'Pol for that fact, unless he asks for them, or they require a treatment of some sort.

Phlox went to his office to pull up the logs. He didn't notice anything off when it came to the bridge logs, but when he checked the command center.

He'd been informed by a several different crewmembers of spotting the captain in there at night. He saw that there is a staggering number of hours logged in the command center.

Fearing the worst, he called Chef and made a few pointed inquiry's, about the captain's eating habits. What he'd been told shocked and worried him.

He made it a point to tell Chef, that if anyone else experiences, the same loss of appetite. He should be notified as soon as possible.

Phlox hopes, it's not too late. He plans on making a few discreet inquiries with the staff. Primarily with the senior staff, about the captain's behavior.

He recalled Elizabeth mentioning how the crew is worried about the captain. He himself had heard the 'airlock archer' nickname floating around.

He's been around enough military organizations to know, that if there's one nickname, there are others.

While Starfleet isn't technically military, it's close enough, and this mission is a military mission.

Armed with as much information as he could gather, for the moment. He could no longer put off, calling the captain down.

From the first moment Phlox spoke to Archer, he knew this would be a fight. He could tell that Archer is on the defensive.

So, it didn't surprise Phlox too much, when Archer refused to join him in his office, to talk about it. Instead he kept one proverbial foot, out the door. By remaining out in sickbay.

It saddened, then scared Phlox, as they started talking.

Phlox has had to deal with commanding officers, that refuse to take medical advice, but he had always been proud that captain Archer wasn't one of them.

Sure, he doesn't like being treated, just like anyone else, but he's always quick to make sure his people are taken care of.

That reminded Phlox of the number of times the captain, has been there for commander T'Pol and the reveal by Trip, of the depth of the captain's feelings for her.

Phlox still remembers the conversation he'd had with the captain last year, about that very subject. It had slipped his mind, when this mission took over, and Phlox didn't see any evidence of the captain continuing to harbor feelings for commander T'Pol, at first.

But he starts to recall events the last few months, the one crewmember that the captain seems to inquire about the most to him, was the commander.

Phlox had seen some signs, at the beginning of the mission, of the captain showing more care for her then other members of his crew.

Phlox wasn't very surprised, that the captain figured out that Trip had spilled the beans, to use one of his expressions.

Phlox was a little… only a little… hearten, when he detected a hint of happy surprise, from the captain, when he mentioned it was several people that had been concerned about Archer.

Phlox has had to ask a lot of tough questions and answer even more, in his time as a doctor. So he recognizes how important it is, when Archer asks, if he can ask a question, as he puts it 'in all honesty between you and I', that worried him almost as much as the seeming lack of emotion from the captain.

Phlox did not expect that kind of question; if he felt he would have to remove the captain, from command, due to self-neglect… would his order be carried out?

Phlox is at a loss, he's not sure, if he tried to remove the captain, that even Trip or T'Pol would help him. Trip is still loyal to his friend and captain. And Phlox has long ago, picked up, on how upset T'Pol is with him.

The point the captain had about Starfleet command not caring about the human cost, to the captain, and possibly the crew, as long as the mission is successful… struck Phlox particularly hard.

After Archer told him to forget about him and concentrate on his crew.

Phlox watched in muted shock as Archer just left.

- (End Flashback) -

Phlox has never worried about someone, more then he's currently worried, about Jonathan Archer right now.

It's not that the captain doesn't care anymore, he knows, the issue is he still cares… too much, about the mission and his crew.

Just not himself.

Phlox knows that the captain is fully expecting to not comeback from this mission. But he'll take on heaven and hell to keep his crew safe.

Unless it's part of the mission.

Phlox has a lot to think about now, he can't let the captain continue to think that way. If something happened to him, Phlox knows it would devastate the crew.

He'll need more information now, but he has to be careful. He knows that the captain will be on his toes around him.

Phlox actually hopes that commander T'Pol shows up. However, given how much she's been avoiding him as well. He fully expects not to see her.

He knows that of everyone on board, T'Pol would be his best bet to help the captain.

He'll have to talk to Elizabeth about it, and see what he can do, to help them both.

He just hopes he can save the captain… from himself.