Summary:
First thing to know about this chapter is... "the bond remembers, even when the mind forgets."
Author's Note:
Another thing to remember is... the author has taken several liberties with Katras and Souls... as well as the space time continuum.
Also by the end of this chapter, some readers might think the author has taken liberties with author's own common sense as well. ;-)
- (T'Pol) -
T'Pol stepped out of the captain's bathroom, she's still processing everything she heard Jonathan say, but she knows she can't let him leave.
Not realizing she'd been reaching for him both mentally, as well as physically, she softly called out, "Jonathan…"
She watched him turn, with shock on his face, as he seems to stagger. "Commander, what are you doing here?"
She could hear how shocked he is, and worried.
"Jonathan…"
She watched his face close off, as he looked away, saying with some pain. "No, please don't… don't call me that, not now."
"Why?" T'Pol is confused, she'd heard him say, he wanted her to call him, by his name.
"I, no, I don't want you to just call me that, because you think I want that… it's, worse." Jon shook his head, "I'm leaving, please don't be here when I get back." He started to turn around and make his escape.
It's all too much for him.
She could hear just how much he's hurting; in fact, she can feel his pain.
She's been feeling his emotions lately. She realized recently just how strong their bond seems to be.
"Sarah T'Mir Archer." T'Pol said suddenly, before Jonathan could open the door.
Jon staggered, as he looked back, "What did you say?"
"Our daughter's name… in that alternate reality." She slowly moved closer to him, afraid if she moves to fast, he'll run. "I've been having those dreams too, Jonathan. Our daughter, we named her after your mother and my foremother. I felt how happy you were that she had my ears."
"I don't… I don't understand…" Jon said.
"Jonathan… please come sit down. We can figure it out."
"I, I can't, you shouldn't be here. I told Trip… commander Tucker I wouldn't…" Jon couldn't deny her even as he said no, he moved back into the room.
"No, there is no commander Tucker and I, there never was. I told him today I won't be doing the treatments anymore."
"Why, I thought you…" Jon trailed off, he's not sure what to think right now.
"Please, Jonathan sit down, we'll get through this."
"No, please don't call me that… unless you mean it."
It took her a couple of seconds to understand. He still thinks she's calling him Jonathan, only because he wants her to.
She waited until he's sitting on the bed.
She then did something she wouldn't do, with anyone else. She softly cupped his face with her hands, tilting it up, so he can see her eyes.
As she stands in front of him, she softly told him, "Jonathan… I want to call you by your name. I had only been calling you captain, because I thought, I wasn't allowed to call you Jonathan."
She let down her mental shield and felt his own shield, she recognized the style of shielding is the one she'd been taught.
She knows that means at some point, in the alternate reality, she'd showed him how to shield.
It's crude, and more instinctive then anything, but works well enough, to keep his emotions contained.
Yet another sign of how much he cares about her, knowing how strongly he's feeling, he's trying to protect her.
"Jonathan, let me in." she asked softly.
"No, I can't, my emotions…"
"I'm used to your emotions, please let me in."
She softly caressed his cheeks, with her thumbs, as she felt his shield slowly come down. She can see him watching her, watching for the first sign, that she's becoming overwhelmed, by his emotions.
She nearly drowned in his sorrow and pain, but she'd kept it from showing. She fought through it, to find the underlying warmth and love, she knew would be there.
She thinks she feels something else, but it's to fleeting at the moment.
Still she softly said, "there you are."
She didn't even try to suppress the happiness she feels. She then showed him, her own warmth and love for him.
She felt and saw his surprise at her action. "Yes, Jonathan I feel the same way you do. I have for a long time." She leaned down slightly, to kiss his forehead, "Taluhk nash-veh k'dular, Ashayam. I cherish thee, my beloved."
Then finally feeling at peace, and knowing Jonathan is starting to feel that way too. She recalled what led to this.
- (Flashback) -
T'Pol has noticed that lately the captain has started withdrawing from everyone. She's seen him somewhat act like his old self during the shift.
She's come to realized that's his captain mask.
But he spends as much time in his ready room, or in the command center as he can, when on duty.
When he's not on duty, he avoids her and commander Tucker. She can count on one hand the number of times the captain has had dinner with them lately, in the captain's mess.
Something that was unheard of before.
And when they do dine, she can see he's not comfortable, especially lately. She can see he's trying to get away as soon as possible.
That realization caused her heartache. However illogical it may seem.
Another thing she's noticed, he no longer calls her by her name. He uses her rank, only adding her name if he needs to distinguish between her and commander Tucker.
T'Pol is even more confused now than before. She'd grown to enjoy whenever the captain called her by her name.
She'd also against her logic, enjoyed when he would touch her shoulder or upper back.
His touch has for a while now, given her comfort and warmth.
Even though he rarely touches her bare skin, when he would put his hand on her shoulder, the Starfleet uniform is thin enough that she can feel some of his emotions.
Unlike her old uniform and her robes, that are thick enough she wouldn't feel anything.
They are that way by design.
She misses it.
T'Pol had been trying to not let everything get to her. She has been getting more and more out of sorts as the mission continues.
Not to mention the Neuro-pressure that is supposed to help both of them, just ends up leaving her confused.
She knows she miscalculated, after she started taking the trillium D, she felt her own emotions closer to the surface.
Subconsciously she knew that the captain would be upset with her, if he knew. Even though she'd refused to see it at the time.
She had been thinking of commander Tucker's developing feelings and his increasing desire for her, she can feel it whenever they do the sessions.
However, before she could think more about it. She and the captain had been walking down the corridor, when the ship ran into that spatial anomaly.
She for the first time in her life, felt panic and fear.
She should have been able to easily move that beam, but she couldn't think straight.
Her actions or rather inactions, had almost cost her captain, his life.
That was when she started to realize, just how bad things were starting to get.
She started having a new dream that night. She dreamed she and the captain… Jonathan, ended up living together, when the mission failed.
She now knows what she needs to do.
She asked for and received permission, to take a few days to herself, from the captain.
She could feel how concerned he is for her. It warmed her to know that he's still there.
She told commander Tucker that she would not be able to do the treatments for up to a week. He was also concerned about her, and as his friend, she'd been okay with that.
However, she had not been careful and commander Tucker is starting to think, there's more to the sessions, then just the treatments.
It's not logical, but she has really begun to regret agreeing to the treatments.
She has heard the rumors and seen how Jonathan has pulled away from her.
Ever since then, she's not let Tucker, give her the treatment.
She is only continuing to do the treatments on commander Tucker, because the doctor had asked her.
Logically she can still understand the reasoning behind the treatments, few people on the ship need sleep more than the chief engineer, and for a time the first officer, when she had let him do the treatments on her.
However, she's been around humans long enough and spent almost 15 years, including the alternate reality, with Jonathan, so she knows him.
She knows that regardless of the fact, that nothing has ever happen. The most Tucker has ever touched was her back.
It still hurts Jonathan.
She spent her time meditating and going as the humans would call it, 'cold turkey,' regarding the trillium.
At night she would find herself dreaming, of what she now realizes is an alternate reality.
The first time she felt herself pregnant, she was shocked.
She could feel everything her alternate self, felt. Including a mate's bond with Jonathan.
She recalls going through Pon Farr with him. And despite the horror stories she had heard growing up, regarding the violence that it can cause, between two Vulcans. It was one of the most pleasurable experiences she'd ever had.
The joy from him when they found out, she was pregnant.
She recalls teaching him about her way of life.
Telling him things she would never have told any outsider, but as her bondmate he had a right, and in many cases, a need, to know.
She finds, she looks forward to those dreams.
One of her favorites is recalling when Phlox had assured Jonathan that their daughter would have her mother's ears.
She was almost overwhelmed by his joy at that.
She found that as her body was weaned off the drug, her mental faculties became clear again. She hadn't realized how much the trillium had messed with her mind.
She began to notice that if she concentrated, she could feel Jonathan.
That had surprised her, not only did the Vulcan science directorate, believe that humans were incapable of forming and maintaining a bond, but also the bond was in an alternate reality.
In this time and space, she and Jonathan had never created a bond, at least one this strong.
She had noticed before this mission, that she'd felt the bond that V'Lar had mentioned.
As the mission had progressed, she'd mourned when she felt it weakening, as Jonathan pulled away from her.
She has been clear of the trillium for almost two weeks now.
Her mind is clear, but she's still having troubles meditating. She can't seem to reach the deep state she needs to get the full benefits.
She's too distracted by her concern for the captain, her unease about the continued treatments with commander Tucker. As well as how she's dissatisfied with the way the doctor pushed this on to her.
Not to mention the different trials the ship and crew are going through to find the weapon and stop it.
She had continued to meditate as much as she can, in between reluctantly doing the treatments with Trip.
She finds that she has reluctantly begun to derive enjoyment, as long as she doesn't think about who she is touching.
She partially blames the memories from the alternate reality.
In that alternate reality, she and Jonathan had a very hands-on relationship, and alternate her had no compulsion about enjoying Jonathan touching her.
Even though Jonathan is doing his best to avoid her, she can still see the decisions he's had to make, are as the humans would say, 'eating him alive'.
She finds herself growing a little upset with Trip and the doctor. They have not tried to talk to him.
She wants to, but this isn't something she is familiar with.
She wouldn't even know where to begin.
Finally, she'd had enough, she can't stand to see Jonathan killing himself.
She decided to talk to him in his ready room and set about trying to figure out the best approach, to see if she can get through to him.
At least let him know she supports him, like they had both done for each other, so many times before.
She knew it would likely be pointless, as soon as she walked into his ready room. She can see he's completely shut down.
Still she won't give up now. She let him know, as best as she could, that she misses him, and what he's doing that she misses.
She almost doesn't recognize the man sitting in front of her.
This isn't the man that took on her entire government, more than once, to keep her by his side.
This isn't the man that has bravely stared down everything thrown at him and not blinked.
This isn't the man she'd developed a deep bond of trust, respect, and friendship with, over the course of the last 3 years.
She can still see hints of the old him, peek through, but he's been consumed by this mission.
She is well aware of how important this mission is. One of the reasons she resigned from the Vulcan high command, when they refused to let her go on the mission is, she knows how much her presence is needed on the ship.
The other reason is sitting right in front of her, hurting and not letting her in.
She had even mentioned commander Tucker to see if she would get a reaction.
It had, but not quite what she could understand.
As soon as she heard him mention lack of sleep, she jumped at the chance to help him.
But the way he shut her down… she wanted to cuss. It is as she had feared, he'd heard the rumors and instead of asking her, he assumed they were true.
She paused, she felt him mentally withdraw, she felt him do something mentally when he mentioned 'private time'. She subtly reached out, and yes, there is a mental shield.
She doesn't have time to look any farther at it for the moment.
She shakes herself mentally out of her thoughts, to see the captain looking at her concerned.
She told him honestly, about her lack of meditating having affected her.
She was heartened by his pushing her, to take the time, to make sure she's okay.
Even if he's not doing it for himself.
Even as the conversation ended, she finds herself wishing she'd known what to say to reach him. As it stands, the divide between them, is still as wide as it was before.
As she made her way back to her station, she mulls over the fact that Jonathan has a mental shield.
She'd never known a human to have one, nor had the captain ever had one before.
She's at a loss, she feels trapped. She wants to stop the treatments, but can't come up with a valid logical reason, that doesn't reveal personal attachments. When the doctor would invariably get involved.
As much as she would like to use, commander Tucker's developing feelings, as the reason. She would imagine the doctor, would simply say that the benefits outweigh the negatives, of her becoming the topic of conversation on the ship, and having to deal with Tucker's feelings.
Then there is also what she could, or even should do, about Jonathan. She loves him, her memories of alternate her, revealed just what the humans call love.
Alternate her had felt it strongly, from alternate Jonathan. The feeling of warmth and comfort, alternate her had experienced, is the same she can feel from Jonathan.
And feels for him as well.
She felt her heart ache, because she knows that he is the captain and she is the first officer.
The same reason she plans to tell commander Tucker that his feelings are not appropriate. Apply to her and Jonathan as well.
Not to mention, the fact that she does not share commander Tucker's feelings. In fact, she has never felt anything more than a friendship for Trip.
Her own feelings for her captain, make sense to her. They have been there for each other, so many times….
However, it's all moot, this mission is too important to all of them, to let her feelings get in the way.
Still, she can't help but think that something, is about to come to ahead.
As loathe as she is to admit it, she needs to talk to Trip this evening. He might have insight into the captain due to their long friendship.
She has no plans to do the treatments anymore.
She will have to remember to let commander Tucker know this evening, or should she wait until after she talks to him, about the captain.
There are times she misses having the ability to ask someone, usually Jonathan, or the doctor. She has at times been able to ask Ensign Sato, for the occasional advice, with success.
However, she is aware of how ship's gossip works.
No, for everyone's sake, she will have to try to figure it out on her own.
She set the problem to the back of her mind, as she continued to run sweeps with the ship's sensors, looking for any problems.
The rest of the shift went without incident.
She'd asked the captain, if he would join her for lunch once again. She has noticed how much weight he's lost, and she knows he's missed many meals.
He doesn't even bother to say he's going to lunch anymore. She felt just a little hurt, when he politely declined, again.
However, shortly after she arrived, at the captain's mess, commander Tucker showed up and she found her appetite had diminished somewhat itself.
Still, he is her friend, and her issues are not his fault. She will have to tell him that nothing will happen, soon.
At least he's still smart enough to avoid public displays, that would have her saying something.
After her shift, she took the long way to her quarters, and stopped at the command center to see the captain once again engrossed in the information.
She wanted to join him, but she needs to get to her quarters, to meditate before commander Tucker shows up.
She reluctantly turned around and walked away. The captain unaware of her scrutiny.
She saw the look of disappointment in commander Tucker's eyes, when he showed up at her door, she still has her uniform on.
She'd taken to wearing it lately, when he would come to do the treatments. In part to show him, that she will not be having him do the treatments to her, and to reinforce the notion to herself.
The other is that if someone saw him leaving her quarters, it would be better if she's not in her nightwear.
That had fueled the rumors, quite a bit in the beginning.
She tried to ask Trip about how to approach the captain. However, he'd learned how to see through her questions and pushed until she, in a moment of weakness, told him about the conversation. And she couldn't suppress how much she is worried about the captain.
She did see a look of concern, in Trip's eyes after that. It was also telling that he didn't put up any resistance, when she told him, she wasn't in the right mindset to do the treatments.
She still couldn't decipher the other look; she'd seen in his eyes. She could have put her hand on him and picked up the surface feelings, to try and figure it out.
But she couldn't bring herself to do that.
After Trip left, she tried to meditate some more, and when she failed to once again reach the deep level she needed, to be as refreshed as she used to. She thought long and hard about going to find the captain so they could talk.
His mental shield and how closed off he is around her. The way he's acting, it all concerns her greatly.
However, she decides to wait, she needs to sleep.
She changed and eventually fell into a fitful sleep, with dreams of her and Jonathan and their daughter.
There is a soft smile on her face, as she dreams of her family, in her sleep.
The next day was much like the last few. The captain was already on the bridge, when she arrived. The logs had once again shown her, he'd been there for at least an hour, before she showed up.
Yet another sign at just how little sleep he's getting.
He stayed on the bridge longer then she expected today. He moved around to talk to the bridge crew to see how everyone is doing.
She, and as far as she can tell, the rest of the bridge crew can see how much the captain is forcing himself to do it. Knowing that is how he used to be… before the mission, and they all know he's trying to show he's still there.
She could see him avoiding looking at her, but they both know he'll eventually have to go talk to her.
She suppresses the sigh she feels, at just how far apart they have drifted.
She can feel his emotions leaking around his shield. Now that she knows it's there, some of the recent events make more sense.
She looked over when the turbolift opened, and commander Tucker walked out. She saw him smile at her, and she felt the captain mentally withdraw. She watched Tucker walk over and ask to speak to the captain, privately.
Now, she had no reason to think that the private conversation, commander Tucker wanted with the captain, had anything to do with her. Still she can't help but feel concerned, and illogically a little worried. She's worried that whatever the conversation they are about to have, will not help the captain and likely add to his stress.
She would have verbally sighed when the angry words from the captain's ready room had reached her enhanced hearing. They are talking about the captain and his withdraw from everyone, and worse the rumors that had circulated about her and Tucker.
She now knows what the humans mean when they say, 'the straw that broke the camel's back.'
She didn't want commander Tucker to confront the captain. He had only made it worse for all of them, not better.
As she understands it, it is a common practice for males to feel the urge to 'protect' their significant other.
She is neither his significant other, nor would she accept that kind of behavior, from anyone she would consent to be in a relationship with.
She heard nothing for a while, then she spotted commander Tucker walk out of the hall, to the ready room, and head across the bridge towards the turbolift.
She's a little thankful that he didn't stop to speak to her, or even give her more then a glance. She can see that the commander is concerned, perhaps even a little distressed, as she is.
However, the damage is done. She will go and speak to him during her lunch period. She can no longer ignore her own mental welfare.
As much as it would benefit commander Tucker for her to continue the treatments, they are not benefiting her, with the mental strain she's under.
She will also confront the captain in private, and hope that, away from everyone else, and in a more personal setting, she can get through to him.
She can no longer continue to watch, someone she cares deeply for, waste away.
She might talk to the doctor, after a while, to see if they can convince the captain to let her do the treatments with him.
She knows from her dreams, that alternate her had shown alternate Jonathan, how to do the treatments. In fact, alternate her had shown alternate Jonathan a version that enhances the sexual pleasure between bondmates.
She had to suppress the blush at recalling how enthusiastic and proficient, alternate Jonathan became at the different kinds of Neuro-pressure.
It was because of her plan, that she didn't invite the captain to lunch as usual. She, knowing him, as well as she did, heard the hurt he tried to hide.
If it wasn't imperative to let commander Tucker know as soon as possible, so he may make other arrangements. She would change her mind, and as usual, ask him to lunch.
He might have agreed this time.
She stopped to eat, knowing she would need the fuel for the coming events.
She was not surprised that commander Tucker did not show up in the captain's mess as he usually does.
To which she can honestly say she's thankful for. She's still trying to figure out how to tell him.
She headed straight to engineering, as soon as she finished her food.
She saw a look of happiness show on commander Tucker's face, when she spotted him.
She's not sure why. Surely, he should know how displeased, she is with his interference.
However, as they went to his office, she could see his happiness, start to fade away.
She felt slightly guilty, his growing feelings aside, it isn't his fault that she doesn't return them and the fact that she is his direct superior.
She was genuinely confused, as to why he had tried to convince her to continue the treatments, if he'd already told her via a short message, he was going to end them.
When she couldn't hide her guilt, when he told her about how he'd known she was starting to enjoy the sessions. She had tried to avoid telling him, in part to spare his feelings.
However, as a testament to how well commander Tucker seems to know her. He was able to deduce that her enjoyment came when she couldn't help but imagine the captain… Jonathan doing the touching.
As she left, she faintly heard commander Tucker say that her captain loves her. She mulled that thought over as she headed back to the bridge.
Once more confused, not about the captain's feelings, but that commander Tucker seem to pick up on them.
Also, if commander Tucker is aware of them, why did he insist on continuing the treatments that he knows hurts his friend.
As she reached her station and checked with the bridge crew, that everything is still proceeding as normal, she decided that she will never understand commander Tucker's reasoning for it.
Within an hour, the captain came to the bridge. As he walked towards the turbolift, he told her that he'd been called to sickbay.
She's a little surprised at that, she knows that like her, the captain has been avoiding the doctor as much as possible.
Even though she has been considering talking to the doctor herself, about her concerns for the captain. In this instance the doctor can override him.
However, she feels that unless something drastic happens, the captain will take it as a personal affront, to go behind his back, to tell the doctor.
Both she and Jonathan are private people. As such they wouldn't appreciate anyone, doing what the humans would call 'sticking their nose in someone else's business'.
She finds human idioms both staggering in number, and colorful in description.
Not long after the captain walked by, she felt a wave of hurt and longing batter her mental shield, just a few seconds, before it vanished.
She could only speculate that Jonathan's feelings had overwhelmed his shield for a brief moment, until he regained control.
About 30 minutes later, T'Pol heard the call go to ensign Sato from the captain. However even if she hadn't it would be easy to know. The younger ensign, like the rest of the bridge crew have started adapting a certain look, when any of them talk to the captain, a mix of pain and sadness. They can all see he's hurting, no matter how much he tries to hide it.
"Ensign, what did the captain want?" T'Pol asked dispassionately. Technically they all know the call should have gone to her, as the first officer.
"He said he would be in the command center and asked that if I have time to walk Porthos later." Hoshi said, resigned.
They all know it's not the first time or even the tenth time he's done that.
Knowing that would work well, in her plan to get the captain alone, in a more private setting. She said, "Ensign, I will take care of it."
Hoshi asked, "you're not spending the evening with commander Tucker?" T'Pol could hear the surprise in her voice.
She then saw the wince that the ensign made. "I'm sorry ma'am, that's none of my business."
T'Pol felt a flash of irritation that she suppressed. "I understand that this is a small ship, and people will talk about other people's business. However, I would like to know who knows about that?" She watched the entire bridge staff put their hands up.
"I see, thank you for letting me know." T'Pol at somewhat of a loss, turn to look down at her station.
She could see out of the corner of her eyes, the rest of the bridge crew, that really don't have much happening right now. They seem to be trying to communicate with each other, without talking.
T'Pol has the illogical urge to show her irritation, by looking at them, and asking if it would be easier, for them to gossip, if she left the bridge.
She knows they are likely trying to communicate about her, and commander Tucker.
It's not outside the realm of possibility, that the captain is also included.
T'Pol is once again displeased about being as her human shipmates would call, 'the center of attention'. Unlike commander Tucker she does not desire it.
The fact that the entire bridge crew, is aware of her personal business, means most of the ship is as well. She values discretion over most things.
She has to let it go. She has a more important mission for herself tonight.
The rest of the shift went once again without incident.
She then headed to her quarters to meditate.
She finds that for the first time, in quite a while, she has an easier time. She is able to reach the deep state she needs, to refresh herself.
She almost spent too long, in meditation.
She went to eat and inquired with the Chef about the captain's eating habits. He told her that the captain had ordered his dinner a few hours ago.
She ate a quick meal, then headed to the captain's quarters.
She just stood for a few minutes, in the middle of his quarters.
She let her mental shield down, to feel his presence in the room. This is where she can best feel him. His scent is all around her. The items that make him who he is, are within eyesight.
She shakes herself out of the meditative state, she found herself in.
She rounded up Porthos, who has learned to sit quietly near her, and wait.
She took him on a long walk. She avoided the area around sickbay and commander Tucker's quarters.
She let Porthos spend extra time running around in the hydroponics bay.
Eventually she took him back, to the captain's quarters.
She finds that the quarters are still empty, and it would seem, that he's not shown up yet, this evening.
She is indecisive on what to do.
She can either wait until he shows up, which could throw him off and put him on the defensive.
Or she could go back to her quarters, and wait until later, to come back.
She decides that she will use the restroom. As illogical as it seems, as her own quarters are only a short walk down the hall.
She isn't ready to leave his quarters yet.
She had completed her business when she heard the door open. Then she heard the captain's voice sounding tired, speaking to Porthos.
She felt a little embarrassed at being caught in his bathroom.
Even if it's somewhat innocent, but before she could figure out, what she would say to him. She heard him start a personal log.
As soon as she realized how personal Jonathan's log is, she becomes even more indecisive.
While this could be a good way for her to figure out, what is going on with the captain, and she might also be able to figure out a way to help him.
She also knows the captain is as private a person as she is, and if someone, even Jonathan, had been listening to her private thoughts, she would be upset.
She decides to wait and see what she can learn.
She knows that one way or the other, she's likely to be caught. If the captain gets ready for bed, he'll come into the bathroom and see her.
As she hears him speak, she can't help but feel his pain, and had she not been able to successfully meditate tonight. She'd likely have cried several times; at the pain she can hear, in his voice.
As it stands, she suppresses her emotions, so she won't miss anything he is saying.
She had to work hard to suppress her joy, at hearing him state his love for her. It was tempered, by the pain and anguish, she can hear under everything he's saying.
She feels guilty at how much, even she's missed, regarding how bad the captain has gotten.
When the captain revealed how he had found out about the sessions, and commander Tucker's developing feelings.
She had a flash of irritation, at how casually the commander had been discussing her business, with Mr. Reed, a member of the bridge crew, someone that she works with every day, as well as being his superior officer.
She almost wasn't able to suppress her joy, when he talked about having the same dreams of their alternate reality life, as she has.
Even if it seems to be a source of misery for him, while for her, it's an illogical source of joy.
She thought to herself, 'I want to call you Jonathan. I didn't know I could. You are my captain; you have been, for quite some time now.'
It is interesting, to hear his side of their conversation, from the other day.
She hadn't realized that commander Tucker had been flirting with her, when he was on the bridge.
If she had, she would have ordered him to stop.
She listens as he spoke of the discussion, he and commander Tucker had yesterday. She got to hear the rest of it, since she could only hear their raised voices for part of it.
She didn't let herself react, when he spoke of ignoring, what he thinks, they are doing during the sessions; she'll react to it later.
She felt her heart ache at the hopelessness of his words, when he described that he couldn't bring himself to deny having feelings for her, but couldn't stand in the way, thinking she was happy with commander Tucker.
She couldn't take it anymore, she silently put her hand on the door, that is nearby where he's sitting. She dropped her shield slightly and could feel his emotions still leaking around his shield.
She both loves and loathes Jonathan's self-sacrificing habits. It makes him a good man, but it's denying them both, of what they could have.
Even if he doesn't seem to know how she feels about him, as well as the fact that he is unaware that she is not, in any kind of relationship with commander Tucker.
Because he's avoiding her, and she's not been doing her duty, as his first officer, to make sure her captain is at his best.
She wonders why commander Tucker went to Phlox. That doesn't seem like him, to inform the doctor.
She feels a little relieved, that Jonathan knows it wasn't her, that informed the doctor.
As she heard him talk, about his conversation with the doctor, she felt horrified, at how bad off Jonathan is mentally.
She can't help but think, 'No, Jonathan, please, don't give up. Enterprise and her crew need you… your first officer needs her captain… I need my mate, my Ashayam.'
She then thought, 'Oh Jonathan, I have missed you to. Please come back to me.'
As Jonathan finished then deleted the log. She finds herself no closer to figuring out what to say to him, that would help ease his burden, and let her in.
She heard him tell Porthos he's going to head back, to the command center.
She is indecisive once more, on the one hand, he won't have caught her, and she could go to her quarters, and meditate about the information she'd learned, to hopefully figure out how to best reach him.
But on the other, she can't let him continue to slowly kill himself.
She finds herself opening the door, before she even fully realizes it, and reaching out both through their bond and physically, she calls to him.
- (End Flashback) -
T'Pol had been showing Jonathan most of her memories of the last few days. It lets her have both a physical and mental touch with her captain.
Jonathan who after recalling the basics of a mental shield worked on putting one up. He wanted to protect both T'Pol from his emotions and himself from her picking up on his feelings.
However, as she showed him her memories, they both felt the bond between them, flourish and grow deeper.
In the middle of her showing him everything, he'd closed his eyes.
After she finished, he found that he'd rested his head on her stomach, and she was holding him to her, while she stroked his hair.
He had never known her to be this open and couldn't hide his surprise.
She looked at him and said, "Jonathan, you know that Vulcans have emotions. The only time it's acceptable for us, to be free to show them, is with our bondmates. So, while it may seem strange to see me react this way. It's not as uncommon for Vulcans as you might think.
"Okay, but still, T'Pol we can't… I'm the captain and you're the first officer…"
"Jonathan, if you were willing to ignore the rule for… other couples, why not for us?"
"…" Jonathan couldn't think of a valid reason. He knows that for both of them, their sense of duty is strong enough, that if either of them should have to make the ultimate call, they would.
It would kill them afterwards, but they would do it.
T'Pol knows they can't fix his problems, in one night.
In fact, she's sure they will have to have a lot of conversations, in the near future. Before they are both satisfied that a relationship between them, can work. "Jonathan, we have plenty of time to talk about everything, it doesn't have to be right now."
Jonathan actually felt relieved, when she said that. He'd been worried about trying to get it all resolved tonight.
T'Pol watched and felt Jonathan agree, with her assessment. She then decided to let him know of her plan.
"Now, as both your first officer and your mate… we are going to take care of you."
"What?"
"I noticed long ago, how you have been skipping meals and losing sleep. Long before you mentioned it."
That reminded Jonathan of the fact that she had been here, the whole time.
He felt a little bit indignant and upset, that she'd spied on him. "What were you doing, in my bathroom?"
T'Pol had been waiting for that question. She sat down next to him on the bed. "I had planned to confront you tonight, in a private setting, to make you stop killing yourself. I had no idea you would have made such a personal log. I'm sorry about hearing it, but at the same time, I'm not. I needed to know just how bad things had gotten." She reached up to caress his cheek. "Jonathan, you are necessary to me, I do not want to lose you."
Jonathan wanted to hold on to his anger, but he can't against her words, and the feelings behind it, that he can feel through their bond. "What about you? You have been having troubles meditating."
"I was, but after I told commander Tucker, I can no longer do the treatments, I was able to meditate fully this evening. However, this mission will be difficult for both of us. So, I suggest we support each other. Like we have always done before."
"So, you really are not, in any kind of relationship with Trip?"
"Jonathan, the bond doesn't lie. I have never felt anything more for him, than friendship. You are my bondmate. You are my ashayam."
"I don't understand how I could be recalling events, from an alternate timeline." Jonathan said, finally giving voice to the question he's had for the last few months. Their memories seem to go counter to everything they know about alternate reality.
Which is admittedly not much.
"I'm not completely sure myself, I believe the bond we shared in that timeline, has something to do with it.
"Adun'a…." Jonathan said softly as a memory crossed his mind.
T'Pol felt a wave of warmth and love wash over her when she heard. She said back. "Adun."
"That means husband, and I said wife, right?" Jonathan said as fragments of memories pop up.
"Yes." She answered softly.
She can see he's tired, and figures this would be a good time, to start taking care of her captain. "Jonathan, you and I are taking tomorrow off. You and I both need the rest."
Jonathan didn't give into his first urge, to grow angry at being ordered around. He opted to take the humorous route, "Is that the first officer or bondmate's order?"
"Yes, in this instance, both my captain and my bondmate needs his sleep." T'Pol said, she had been sending calming feelings, to him, through their bond.
She knows he could become unhappy, if she pushes to hard.
She reaches over to push the intercom button. "Commander T'Pol to doctor Phlox."
She felt Jonathan's worry about what she's doing, so she sent him reassuring thoughts, to help him relax. "Phlox here."
"Doctor, can I count on your discretion, when I tell you that the captain and I, will be taking tomorrow off?"
"Of course, would you like me to contact commander Tucker, and let him know he will be in charge?"
"That would be agreeable… has he spoken to you?" T'Pol asked.
"Yes, he stopped by late this morning, to inform me of the change. That is when he slipped up about the captain. Am I correct in assuming the captain is with you?"
Jonathan nodded when she looked at him. "Yes, doctor he is."
"Ah, captain, first let me say that it wasn't commander Tucker's intention to reveal, what I should have seen for myself anyway. Second, I'm sorry I missed so much. I am hopeful, that my fears have been alleviated."
"I understand doctor. I'm sorry for what I said earlier."
"I completely understand. However, I would like to see you sometime tomorrow. Since I've been made aware of how far things have gone. I need to do my duty. I want to give you a checkup, we can then discuss, how to get you back to your old self."
"I'll see you tomorrow." Jonathan said, he could feel through their bond, that she was going to make him go, whether he wanted to or not.
Phlox couldn't keep the surprise out of his voice, as he bid them goodnight. He suspects that commander T'Pol had a hand, in the quick agreement from the captain.
He breathes a sigh of relieve, he isn't as worried about the captain and first officer now.
T'Pol feeling her own relieve, rested her forehead lightly on his temple as she said, "thank you Jonathan, I know you didn't want to do it, but it will make me feel better."
He put his arm around her, he felt and heard her sigh of relieve, as she relaxed against him. "I understand, I can't promise I'll be this understanding, all the time, but I know just how far I've fallen."
"Jonathan, your Katra… soul is not darkened. I don't sense any darkness in you. The fact that you have been agonizing over those decisions is proof of that."
Jonathan still processing, what she'd told him. Looked at the clock seeing how late it is. He turned back to her, getting ready to say, she should head to her own quarters.
T'Pol knowing what he's about to say, shakes her head no. "I'm staying, you need sleep and we both know that alternate you, used to sleep better with alternate me, by your side."
T'Pol happy to be able to touch Jonathan, caressed his cheek and said with a little amusement, "Something tells me, that hasn't changed."
"Maybe, but if anyone sees you leaving my quarters, any later than it already is, they will talk."
I'm not planning on leaving, until the morning. As much as I dislike the attention. My captain needs his sleep, more than my discomfort.
"…" Jon's trying to come up with a valid reason, but in all honesty, he wants her to stay. He hasn't felt this calm in months.
T'Pol knows she has him almost ready to give in, adds one more thing. "I believe I once told you, the safety of this ship depends on her captain being it his most effective." As she moves just a little closer, to him.
She softly tells him, "please, Jonathan go get ready for bed."
Jon, to tired and at peace to argue, just nods and takes his usual nightwear. He heads to the bathroom to take a shower.
As soon as she hears the shower come on, she feels a bit of arousal. She recalls just how much of a wonderful lover alternate Jonathan was.
The alternate her, had grown to really enjoy, when they made love.
She wonders what it would be like this time around, now that he doesn't forget every day.
She hears him sing in the shower, she mentally smiles at that.
Something so human about it.
She thinks about going to her quarters, to get her own sleepwear, but she's very aware of how sensual she looks, to humans, in those silk pajamas.
Jonathan has always been better at hiding his desire, the few times he'd stopped by her quarters. For whatever reason and seen them.
But she had sensed it, like it was just under his skin.
One thing the alternate her never really did, was teach him how to hide his desire for her.
She believes that alternate her, enjoyed just how much he desired her.
Not just her body, but her mind as well.
She's fine in the clothes she's wearing for tonight.
However, if she decides to do this tomorrow, she will get ready for bed.
Rumors or not.
Jonathan came out of the bathroom a little later, dressed for bed.
At first, when they climbed into bed, it was weird to be laying by each other.
She suppressed her amusement, thinking about how Jonathan is in fact, the only man, she's ever laid with.
From their time at P'Jem and being very intimately tied together at Coridan, just to name a couple of times.
Soon they are holding each other close.
Not long after, Jonathan fell asleep, far faster than he has in months. With T'Pol's warm presence in the back of his mind, something he never thought he would get used to.
Yet now that it's back, he finds he had been missing it.
T'Pol held Jonathan close, as they laid in his bed.
They are both fully clothed. But she has never felt this close, to anyone.
She watches him sleep, knowing just how badly he needs it.
She strokes his hair, as he holds her tightly. She can tell, he's subconsciously afraid she'll disappear, if he lets go.
After she fell asleep herself, she picked up on Jonathan growing agitated, in his sleep, through their bond.
That woke her up. She let her shield down, joining his mind, to help ease his suffering.
He's having the Vulcan nightmare.
He's trying to reach her on the ship but can't. He knows that the longer the dream her is there, the worse she gets.
She draws her energy around them, and breaks him out, of this dream.
She decides to give them both a better dream.
She finds a memory she has of them, in the alternate reality. Near the end, when Sarah was 4.
They had just celebrated Sarah's birthday.
She felt Jonathan calm down quickly, and began looking around, for Sarah.
Suddenly they saw her, and she leaped into Jonathan's arms.
"Daddy, I missed you."
Both T'Pol and Jonathan are a little confused, this isn't how the memory went.
"Sarah?" Jonathan asked.
"Yes daddy? Oh sorry, I was asleep for a while. I'm not a memory, it's really me. I was asleep in you and mother."
"Wait, what? How?" Jonathan asked, he's just as confused as he could feel T'Pol is.
"Daddy, you are the one that taught me, about the first rule of thermodynamics." Sarah said, as she snuggled into her daddy's arms.
It had been a while, since she had been able to do it.
"Energy is neither created nor destroyed…" Jonathan said, as he put it together. "So, your Katra, which is energy, hitched a ride with your mother and I?"
"I believe so, all I know is I felt incomplete, until you two where together, in your dreams, then I was able to find the rest of me."
"Oh, so, are you okay honey?"
With a very human smile she nods and says, "of course daddy. I'm with you and mother." Like that's all that matters.
Both T'Pol and Jonathan are once again at a loss for how that is possible.
However, their daughter is with them. Jonathan doesn't want to look at it to deeply.
He's just happy to have their daughter, in whatever form she's in.
T'Pol couldn't agree more, with what Jonathan is thinking.
All three fell back to sleep, with Sarah safely wrapped in her parent's Katra and soul.
Author's Note:
I have started an epilogue chapter that deals with our favorite stowaway and her family and some of the events they experience during the rest of season 3 and season 4.
However I leave it up to you dear readers, if you would like me to post it or not.