This is my first fic and I feel so bad about leaving it hanging! Thank you for all the reviews :)
It has been over a year, and I apologize. I have been focusing on my senior year of college and preparing to graduate in May. Along with that, I've had some family issues in the past year (almost 2).
So, I'm just going to skip ahead in weeks because I don't want to down play a baby's development from being born early as that is a very serious issue for some people—an issue that I don't want to make any offense on. Almost twelve weeks had gone by since the morning Meredith Grey had been woken up to the news that her son had died just hours after she had met him. Her newborn daughter still wasn't home and as the days went on, Meredith had became more and more distant.
Derek had thought that Meredith should have been distant the first few weeks in the aftermath of the incident, not the other way around. When he had first brought her home from the hospital, Meredith was as active as she could be with Zola and Bailey. She read to them, they cuddled up to her carefully on the couch and watched movies all day while Derek took care of the three of them.
But as the weeks went on, Meredith had began isolating herself little by little. One night after getting the kids to bed, Derek decided to corner her about it.
Meredith was finishing brushing her teeth when Derek entered the bathroom. She looked up at him from the mirror and inwardly sighed. She knew the look on his face, and she also knew that she wasn't going to like what came out of the conversation that is sure to follow said look.
"What's been going on with you, Meredith? Day by day you've been detaching yourself from me and the kids. I want to help you, Mer, I do. But I don't know what I'm helping you with."
Meredith sighed as she sat down on the closed toilet seat. She was too exhausted to even try and pull the 'I'm fine' line. "It's been weeks, Derek, weeks. Our daughter is nearly three months old and she still isn't home. Almost twelve weeks ago, I lost one of my children, a child that I should have been able to keep safe until he was born at full term. I didn't even get to see him that long before he was gone. And Ellie, Derek, it is so hard having to leave her in that hospital everyday while I come home to a family. I want her home, in my arms, free of any wires and tubes. Is that too much for a person to ask?"
"No, no it's not too much to ask. I want that too, but Meredith, she'll be home with us before you know it."
Meredith sighed. She knew Derek was right, but everyday she thinks of what she could have done differently in order to keep her unborn children safe and healthy for nine months. She was angry too. Derek never brought up Marcus. He never gave feedback on anything Meredith had said about him. He left her to explain what happened with the babies practically on her own. She understood his loss, she was experiencing it too. Hell, she was experiencing it worse than Derek was; he wasn't the one with the constant reminder that her body was supposed to keep their children safe. Meredith lived day by day with that fact never leaving her mind.
…
Meredith had insisted that Derek go back to work a few weeks after the incident so he could take more time off once they had Ellie home. Every morning, Meredith and Derek would load the kids into the car and drive off to the hospital. Zola and Bailey went to daycare, Derek went off to work and Meredith spent her day in the NICU sitting with her daughter.
She took solace that morning when Addison had announced she was going to head back to California. That meant that her daughter was doing well enough not to need one of the most renowned neonatal surgeons.
Derek sat up with Meredith in the NICU during his lunch break. As he sat in a chair next to Meredith, she decided to tell him the good news.
"Addison is going back home. Ellie is doing well enough not to need her medical care anymore. Arizona is going to take it from here. And both of them said that if Ellie can pass the carseat test in a few days we can take her home." Meredith had a smile on her face when she told Derek this. Derek looked from the incubator back to Meredith with a smile on his face. Slowly, he pulled Meredith close to him.
Though she normally felt safe in Derek's hold, this time, Meredith was on edge. "I just…I don't want anything to happen to her when we take her home. I already lost two babies, one of which I actually held, I won't be able to handle losing another one. And I don't want to keep distancing myself from my family."
Derek squeezed her shoulders from his embrace. "I know. We are going to do everything possible to keep Ellie safe at home. Everything is going to be fine, Addison wouldn't have left if it wasn't, you know that."
"I am going to be on edge everyday for the next few months, until I'm convinced everything is going to be okay, I hope you understand that," Meredith warned.
Derek nodded his head slightly. "I do. Just don't forget about Zola and Bailey. They've been feeling a little left out lately."
His statement broke her heart and she began to think she was just like her mother, abandoning her kids. Meredith took a deep breath and nodded her head. She made a silent promise to herself that she would spend every possible second with Zola and Bailey, because if there were any kids she knew who deserved such a thing, her kids were them. They didn't ask to be in the situation they were in, none of them did, and it certainly wasn't fair for her kids to have a distant mother.
….
After Derek went back to work after his lunch break, Meredith had continued sitting in the NICU watching over her youngest daughter. She refused to take her eyes off of the soft rising and falling of Ellie's chest for fear that it was just an illusion. As she sat in a chair next to the incubator, Meredith trailed her finger along the clear plastic of what her baby slept in and hoped that Ellie would pass the carseat test and be able to go home by the end of the week.
She only looked up when she felt a soft tap on her shoulder. Derek stood next to her, a soft smile on his face. "You ready to go get Zola and Bailey?"
Meredith nodded, but also spoke, "I think I want to spend some time with just the three of us—me, Zola and Bailey—so I can make up for my absence lately. I feel terrible about it."
Derek smiled and nodded. "How about I drive us home, we'll have dinner and I'll come back here and stay the night with El? I know Zola and Bailey would love to have some 'mama time' as Bailey called it." He noticed the smile on Meredith's face and the eager nod of her head. So, Derek helped Meredith up and guided her out of the NICU, toward the elevators to take them to the daycare.
…
Spending time with just her children made Meredith's heart swell in a way she hadn't felt in months. She could not believe she allowed herself to put a distance between her and Zola and Bailey, two babies she once fought so hard for—and still would, should they need it. After getting home and eating dinner, Meredith asked her children if they wanted a whole night of 'mama time' while Derek went to stay with Ellie; the response she got was one that she had not expected. Both of the children threw themselves at their mother with beaming smiles on their faces. They allowed Meredith and Derek the briefest of goodbyes before they pulled her over to the living room.
Zola had crowned Meredith and Bailey as they sat for a long overdue tea party. Bailey was accustomed to the parties by now, having to attend one at least once a week. Zola had put on her best hostess act by filling the plastic tea cups up with fake tea, passing plastic croissants around the table and keeping the conversation flowing. It actually reminded Meredith of Izzie and the way she held get togethers. When they had their fill of tea, Zola had told Bailey to pick the next thing they did.
Meredith sat staring at two of her children in awe, never having really taken in the special relationship between the two siblings. Zola was the best big sister she had ever seen—something she often wished she had been to Lexie in the beginning—and Bailey was the smallest protector of her little family. She had seen on more than one occasion Bailey making sure Zola was okay after falling and scraping her knee, or after being sick with the flu. Watching them play together and take turns picking and choosing what to do warmed her heart.
Bailey was her little bookworm, so Meredith wasn't surprised when he pulled one of the many books the Shepherd family owned out of the box kept next to couch. Smiling at her son, Meredith gently grabbed the book. "Bailey, how about we read this before bed, but right now we find something else to play? Anything you want, we'll play."
Bailey nodded and walked over to the selection of toys in the living room. He pulled a box out and looked at Meredith and Zola. "Puzzles?" He asked with a smile on his face. Meredith nodded and Zola's face lit up at the idea.
With three people—though mostly two as Meredith allowed the kids to find most of the pieces—doing the puzzle, pieces were spread all over the floor. Zola and Bailey occasionally stopped and compared pieces, figuring out where they should go. When the puzzle was finally finished, Meredith saw the two rubbing their eyes, a sure sign of oncoming sleep.
"Why don't we go to Mommy and Daddy's room and we'll lay on the big bed and read any books you choose?" Meredith asked. She knew it probably wasn't the best idea to have the two in her bed, but she didn't want to be away from them that night.
Both Zola and Bailey nodded as they ran into their rooms, put on pajamas, and collected two books each, almost the maximum amount of books per child, before meeting Meredith in the master bedroom. She helped them up onto the bed before getting on herself. By the time everyone was situated, Meredith was in the middle of the bed with Zola leaning on one side and Bailey on the other. By the time Meredith reached the middle of book three, having picked up the majority of the reading as sleep slowly began to come over the two children, Zola and Bailey were asleep.
…
When Derek walked in the house the next morning, he frowned when there was no bustling activity. Normally at least one of his children were watching cartoons in the living while the other was with Meredith in the kitchen, but now, there was nothing but silence. He walked through his house looking in each of the bedrooms only to find both twin beds empty.
A smile graced his face when he entered his and Meredith's room and saw both children cuddled up to Meredith, still sound asleep. He looked at Meredith and smiled just a bit wider as he saw a content look on her face after months of agony that lived on her face. Derek closed the door to the bedroom and made his way out to the living room. Rather than disrupt his sleeping family, Derek laid on the couch and drifted off to sleep having stayed up a majority of the night watching over Ellie in the NICU.