In My Dreams (James Morrison)

If I was a zombie before, now I'm a golum.

Nothing I do is premeditated, I just float on autopilot.

Mami is gone.

That's all that repeats.

Her heart beating slower and slower in my dreams.

My nights are fitful and filled with sobs but every morning, I get up, I go to appointments, I make arrangements and then I sit with my family as they relive memories of my mother with no input from me.

I'm somewhere else entirely, just waiting to go back to bed so that I can see her again in my dreams.

We walk together by the pond, holding hands and she goes from a giant to being so small that I can wave my arms above her head without much effort.

Quinn and Celia come and stay with me after the second night of my house shaking sobs.

I'm sandwiched between them in the bed but nothing that they say or do gets through.

Through a miracle of sorts, the service gets planned.

Every detail is met and I'm completely convinced that my people were going behind me and picking up the slack.

I wouldn't be surprised, honestly.

I shut down and people step up, Mami was always the first to do so and now...who would be next

My answer came the next morning, both obvious and slightly annoying.

"I brought you this," A cup and a bag were shoved into my hands moments after I opened the door to my father's house, "I'm not going to ask the stupid questions everyone asks. I'm just insisting that you eat something."

I looked into his eyes and knew that he'd already talked to Quinn and my father, there was no need to ask the stupid questions when he already knew the answers.

"Thanks, Felo." I mumbled as I stepped back for him to pass me. Only he didn't, instead he pressed his lips to mine and then brushed his hands across my stomach.

"How's the munchkin?" I shrugged and he scowled almost immediately. "Eat the sandwich, drink the tea and then I'll help you get dressed. Okay?"

I nodded and then turned to walk away from him.

Like the smooth motherfucker that he is, he fell into step with me without a word.

Like I said, annoying.

"I haven't said anything to anyone yet." I said to him just before we walked into the kitchen. "They can't know right now." I stressed but I knew from the look on Felo's face that he didn't give a flying fuck how I felt about it.

This was something happy and right now that's what the world needed.

At least, the world according to Felix Pacheco, the 'father' of my unborn child.

The rage that filled me was new.

Anything other than pure sadness was not something I was expecting.

I turned on him, blocking the door with my body which was much smaller than his but he stopped short.

My sharp nail poked at his chest and his eyes danced with amusement.

"En serio, I'm begging you, I can barely handle the pity in their eyes and the way they are always watching me...if you tell them it will only get worse and I can't take that shit right now. I wanted this kid, I paid for this kid and so trust me, I'm not going to fuck it up. I asked you to be a part of this because I trusted you to have my back and I thank you for all you have done. Just be cool for once in your fucking life. Please?"

Maybe it was the desperation on my face or the tears in my eyes but he kissed my forehead and nodded.

"Okay, just let me see you eat that thing so I can relax, okay?"

"You got it."

Felo stood by his word and said nothing about my situation but that didn't mean that he stopped hovering.

No, sir, that fucker held doors, navigated me around puddles and when it came time to head to the cemetery, he stopped me before I could get into the limo.

"You sure about this?"

"Burying my mother? Of course, pendejo."

"What about that whole thing about going into cemeteries while pregnant?"

"That's a superstition and brujeria, I'm not going to avoid going in there because of some stupid folktale."

"What's going on?" Q said, climbing out of the car for the sole purpose of inserting herself in our conversation.

"Get back in the car Q ball." I growled as I shook off Felo. "I'm going to say goodbye to my mother, don't you dare try to stop me."

He looked at Quinn for assistance on something she didn't even have a clue about.

"Why can't she go?" Q asked and Felo glared at me.

"What?" I snapped at him.

"Not even your best friend?" He whisper yelled.

"No." I muttered.

Q was looking between us and before I could stop her she yanked the door to the car open and whistled.

Like the fucking faithful lapdog that she is, Celia climbed out of the car to join in.

So now here we were the four of us holding up the procession all because Felo wanted to throw a tantrum.

"What seems to be the problem?" Celia asked looking directly at Felo, instead of me.

"I don't think that Santana should go to the cemetery in her condition."

I aimed my heel straight at his foot but he moved before I could strike.

"And what condition is that." Q asked but then Celia, the bruja that she pretended not to be looked at me and then pressed two fingers to my neck.

Her eyes went wide and then she shook her head.

"I agree. You should head back to the house."

"See!" Felo said, a shit eating grin on his face.

"Can someone tell me what's going on?" Q said, and I could tell that she was trying to sound tough but the whine betrayed her.

"She's pregnant." Celia said.

"What? How don't I know that? Who is the father? Are you not gay anymore?"

"This is why." I said to Felo, "I didn't want to answer any fucking questions today. I just want to see Mami off."

I let out a sob and covered my face with my arm as the dam broke.

They tried to wrap me up in their arms but I pulled away.

"What's the big deal about the cemetery?" Q asked Celia.

"Bad luck."

"She doesn't believe in luck."

"Doesn't mean it doesn't exist." Celia shot back and then she was pulling my arm away. "How about we pull up next to the plot and you stay in the fucking car?"

"With the window down?" I said.

"Yes."

"Okay." I was too tired to fight and I knew in my heart that Mami would be arguing for me not to go in either, so in that moment, I just told myself that I was honoring Mami's wishes.

Fuck everyone else.

True to my word, I sat in the back of the limo with Quinn by my side as we watched the service and then the burial.

I rested my head against her shoulder and waited for her to ask me the questions that she had brewing but instead she just held me and periodically dropped kisses on the top of my head.

And when it was over, she shooed away my sister and Felo to the next car, leaving just her to be the one to escort me home.

Relief filled me as she put up the window and continued to stay silent.

"I'm still gay." I said to her and she sighed.

"It's okay if you're not completely gay, being fluid is okay...I mean look at me."

"I know that but I'm a lesbian and no sex was had to create this little parasite." I said taking one of her bawled up fists and bringing it to my barely there bump. "I asked Felo to donate his sperm, it worked on the first try. Now he's overprotective of a baby that I plan to raise on my own."

"Does B know?"

Her hand was warm against the coldness that seemed to linger on my skin. She'd pushed up my blouse so that she could press her hand to my flesh and it did more to calm me than anything else had in years.

"No. Up until an hour ago, it was just me and Felo."

"Wow."

"It was right around the time when things were looking up, when Mami woke up from the first surgery and they thought she'd make a recovery."

"She was awake for like an hour."

"But it gave me hope and so I ran with it."

"Do you regret it?"

I put my hand over hers and leaned more against her, absorbing all the warmth that I could.

"Not for a second."

"How far are you?"

"15 weeks."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you're fucking my sister, even if you don't think I know about it and I know how loose your lips are after an orgasm."

She tried to pull her hand away but I gripped her wrist and kept her in place.

"I think I love her, it's not just sex."

"Call it what you want, I really don't care."

"You do though, I was your backup. You left your wife out of grief, she fell in love with someone else and instead of you being able to come to me because I was busy falling for your sister, you got stuck all alone."

"You got that right."

"I can still be your backup if things don't work out between me and Ceily."

"No thanks. I have this kid to love on."

"What about B?"

"She is in love with someone else."

"She's still in love with you though."

"And she wants me to share her and I won't do that."

"So what, you go back to New York and raise a kid while you finish your residency?"

"No, Q. I'm not going back to New York and I damn sure can't spend another minute in the hospital."

"I get that."

We didn't continue talking after the car pulled up outside of Papi's house.

Instead I did something that I promised myself that I wouldn't.

I was so tired of doing what everyone else wanted, I needed something that was mine, thus the baby but that wasn't enough.

Nothing ever was...until now...and that's only because I needed to seize control of my life.

No more autopilot.

I locked the doors, put up the divider between the driver and us, then I turned to Q.

"I plan to make a run for it, Q and even though it's insane, you should leave Ceily and come with me." I said and when her eyes went wide, I leaned forward and kissed her lips.

There was no hesitation as she kissed me back.

Her hands gripped my jacket and I buried my fingers in her hair.

It was the first time that I had crossed the line in ten years and I only regretted that Celia had gotten to her first.

She dropped one of her hands and pressed it against my bump and then her hand moved up to my boob.

I groaned against her and she kissed me harder.

And then there was the knock on the window that was thankfully tinted.

I rested my forehead against hers, her lips smeared with my blood red lipstick.

"Run away with me, Q."

There were tears in her eyes.

"Okay."

"Yeah?"

"I'd follow you anywhere, S."

"Promise me?"

Another knock.

Her eyes still looked into mine.

"I promise you."

One last kiss and then I handed her a make-up wipe and then fixed my hair.

No one could know about my plan because I was certain that rumors of my pregnancy were already circulating and that alone would invite people's opinions.

Like Papi's.

Quinn was my ride or die and I was counting on her to keep her word.

It was the first time that I was letting my guard down for anyone, I just hope I don't regret it.

A/N: Quinntana or bust.