Let Me Go (Hailee Steinfeld feat. Alesso & Florida Georgia Line)

"What should I have done? I've always loved her...you knew that!"

They thought they were being quiet as they argued but I was just on the other side of the wall and despite it being the middle of the night, I heard every word.

"She's not in her right mind, Luce. You can't seriously be leaving me for her."

"Right mind or not, I cannot walk away from her."

"So I was what, a consolation prize?"

"Celia, I..."

"Answer me!"

"That's not what this was."

"We've been together for a year! We live together for Christ's sake how was this ever going to work if you have been harboring feelings for my sister?"

Felo pulled me close to him in his sleep and I could feel evidence of whatever dream he was having.

Gross.

I tried to pull away but he held me firmly.

"Stop." I said, slapping at his arm but he didn't budge.

"What happened in that car earlier?" He asked, apparently very awake and still pressing himself against my ass.

"Why's that any of your concern?"

"Because, you have been casually hooking up with me for weeks and now you're pulling away, they're arguing about you and I just don't get it."

"I'm horny, blame the kid but that doesn't mean that I'm feeling you like that Felo. You're just a warm body."

I swear I could hear his eye roll even though I couldn't see him.

"I know that. I've always been clear on my role in this. Sperm donor, casual hook-up, and sometimes body guard. Technically your boss. I know who I am and who you, my resident pain in ass. What I don't get is how did you go from a zombie to a homewrecker in the span of a day?"

"If you know your lane, why are you in mine?"

"Because of this." He stretched out his hand and covered my whole stomach. Shivers went through me because wow, but I tried to tamp them down, I didn't need him getting any ideas of a family life stuck in his head.

He was getting too attached.

I grabbed his wrist and pressed my thumb against the pressure point with my nail.

He hissed and pulled his hand back and I used that opportunity to roll away from him.

Before he knew it, I was on my feet, flicking on the light and shuffling into my robe and slippers.

Felo looked at me with crazy eyes as he cradled his wrist in his hand.

"What was that for?"

"The contract we created together...it's legally binding."

"I know." He said.

"Then why are you being so fucking clingy if you know that I plan to do this on my own?" Unlike the two banshees in the next room, I knew how to keep my voice down. Papi didn't need this right now.

"I just thought that after losing Maribel, you'd need comfort. I'm trying to be that for you."

"Fuck you, Felix. I absolutely do NOT want your comfort. The only person who can give me that is in the next room. I already agreed to let you be a godfather to this kid as long as you didn't stake a claim and what was your response to that?"

"I agreed."

"Then please, I am fucking begging you to back off."

He threw up his hands and let out a sigh.

"Fine."

"Promise me that we won't need to have this convo again."

"I promise."

"And no more hooking up, it's blurring the lines obviously, got it?"

"Yeah...that would help, I guess."

"Good. Now, I'm going to go save my girl from my sister's wrath and when I get back, I hope it's to an empty bed."

"You're kicking me out in the middle of the night? You're serious?" He actually looked shocked.

"As a motherfucking quadruple bypass."

He actually smirked, appealing to him as a cardio thoracic resident to cardiac surgeon seemed to do the trick.

I knocked on Celia's door and there was a thud of a body against it in response.

There was grunt and a moan.

Good God, they were actually fucking now.

I heard a familiar growl and then a curse.

Fine, a goodbye fuck was deserved, who was I to fault them.

I was wired though, so I went back to my room and saw Felo sitting on my bed as he shoved his feet into his shoes.

"I'm leaving." He grumbled.

Again, hormones.

I pushed him backwards, straddling his waist as I climbed on top of him. His hands gripped my hips as he looked up at me.

"Blurred lines, Santana."

He was turned on and I could tell that he was trying to turn it off but I knew that it wasn't so easy.

"They're fucking."

"I heard."

"I thought maybe...we could, like a goodbye."

He sat up and wrapped his arms around me before standing up.

My legs slipped and he held me until my feet were on the floor.

"No. You made a good point earlier. I fall in love easy and I know you will never give me what I want so right now, I need you to stand by your word. If the two of them want to fuck, let them but as far as you and me go, we need to be done."

"Fine." I had my arms crossed over my chest, pouting. "A kiss then, doc?"

He rolled his eyes and leaned forward, kissing me harder than I expected.

I soaked it in, marking just how different this was from all other kisses.

No love, just a casual roughness to it.

I needed more and there was only one person to get it from.

Unfortunately, I had to wait for her to be done fucking my sister into submission.

What a warped world.

"Don't quit residency. You're almost done." He said when he pulled back.

"I love being a surgeon, I just...I've spent way too much time in the hospital lately. I'm tired."

His hands were cupping my face now, our bodies were barely touching but I could feel his warmth.

"We bonded over our dead or dying parents and our love of heart surgery. I've spent time getting to know your family over the last four years and the number one thing that Maribel was proud of was you deciding to go to med school and become a doctor."

"I know."

"You're so close."

"I know."

"Once the munchkin is here it's going to be impossible to throw yourself into going back as a resident. You can take a break between residency and fellowship...the baby's birth lines up with you finishing residency before you even get out of the second trimester. That's like two months from now."

"I know."

"Just think about it. I know you plan to disappear but maybe do it after residency."

I sucked in a breath because I thought I hid that better.

"How did you know?"

"You told me it's what you planned to do once your mother was gone, way back on one of those drunken nights."

"I hate how chatty I get when I drink."

He leaned in again and dropped a quick kiss before stepping back.

"I love it, frankly it's the only time you're open and honest with me. Call me when you get back to the city. I love you."

"Thanks Felo, I love you too and I promise to think about it, okay?"

"Good."

Felo gave me one last kiss on the forehead and then rubbed my little bump before leaving me finally.

And while I was desperate for love at the moment, I knew that I couldn't replace what I truly needed with a cheap replacement. He was right to stop me and while I grumbled about him rebuffing me, I was actually really grateful for him.

I grabbed my comforter and unlatched my window, not even looking back towards my door because I needed the time and space.

Even from Quinn.

I walked the unstable bridge to my tree house and then closed the door behind me.

The spring air still had the chill of winter but the kid had turned my body into a furnace so this chill was actually a welcome reprieve.

I couldn't remember the last time that I had actually entered my tree house but from the looks of the pillow fort in the corner on top of the twin sized mattress, my nephews had been keeping it warm for me.

That thought made me smile.

Sandra would be so excited to know that I had a little cousin for her boys brewing in my belly but I was going to keep this little munchkin to myself for as long as I could.

No one seemed to know about the pregnancy yet, thankfully, and I was hoping to keep it that way.

I collapsed into the little bed and wrapped my blanket around me, burrito style, feet tucked and all.

Even if I was a furnace, I wasn't chancing freezing my tits off.

I smiled to myself as the darkness took me under.

Each time that I fell asleep I felt a little closer to the death that would someday claim me and it filled me with peace.

B had once asked me if I was suicidal when I told her how I felt while falling asleep but how could I expect someone who believed so much in rainbows and unicorns to understand that death was something that I would embrace when the time comes?

Like I told Sue ages ago, I'd never kill myself, I'd miss me too much.

The heat of the sun burned against my back as I walked hand in hand with Mami.

"So Santi, how does it feel to have gotten into med school?"

Britt and I had been married for five years when Lord Tubbington died and we flew back to Lima.

I'd been working hard to finish my undergrad and the surprise of getting into med school had been what I'd returned home with.

We'd been having problems in New York with B wrapped up as a minor character on Broadway and me in school but B had supported me in my decision to dedicate the next four plus years to becoming a doctor just like Papi.

"It's unreal."

"Like I always told you, mi'ja, you can do anything that your heart desires."

"What if what I really desire is going off on my own to figure out who I am?"

"As in?"

"I love her Mami but I feel like I rushed it."

"Uh huh."

"You can say it."

"Say what?"

"You know what."

She looked at me with a wicked smile and then finally put up her hands in mock surrender.

"I told you how I felt back then and it doesn't bear repeating."

"I should have listened."

"You would have regretted not marrying her just as much as you regret jumping in too fast. You get that from me, that impulse to jump in feet first."

"Papi says I get that from him."

"He's probably right, we both have a little of that."

"Mami?"

"Yes, Santi?"

"Do you regret having me?"

"Not for a second."

"Yeah?"

"Mamita, when I felt like I was at the end of my rope and your father was doing scut as a resident, I knew that I needed a tether."

"To keep you here?"

"I wouldn't have killed myself but I knew that mentally, emotionally and all the ways it counts, I would have checked out. You saved my life."

My body was shaking as Mami's words rang through my head.

I felt like this kid was my tether, my reason for staying lucid and it wasn't until this moment that I remembered her words.

She'd been right.

Hopefully I could be to the kid what she was to me.

As I began to wake up, I was aware of being surrounded by a pair of arms.

I turned from the wall I was facing and the arms slipped a bit.

Quinn was looking at me with a small smile and just behind her sleeping against the wall were Celia and Sandra.

"Hey." I whispered and she leaned in and kissed my lips.

"She let me go." Q said.

"I heard."

She blushed bright red and cleared her throat.

"You heard that?"

"Yeah, I heard ALL of that."

"Are you mad?"

"How could I be?"

She kissed me again, this time harder and I let out a moan.

One that I knew from the throat clearing across the small space, had woken up my sisters.

I pulled back and looked over at them.

Sandra looked annoyed and I knew that she knew it all.

And I knew she was disappointed that I hadn't been the one to tell her about any of it.

"Promise us that you won't be dead in a ditch somewhere." She said, just as harsh as always.

"Q will make sure of that, it's why I agreed to let her go." Celia said to her.

I watched Q roll her eyes and tried not to laugh in response.

"Thank you for letting me steal your girl." I said to my sister.

"Yeah, sure, she was apparently never mine to begin with."

"You hate me, don't you?" I said to her, fake pout in place.

"No because your mom just died and like Q pointed out, we were bed warmers for each other. If she is going to be with anyone, why not you."

"Gee, thanks." I muttered.

The situation should have been awkward but as we all had breakfast and Celia had announced the breakup like it was old news and claimed to have no hard feelings.

She'd done nothing to make it seem like the situation was what it was.

And she covered my ass by telling Papi that me and Q were going to spend some time decompressing from all the heaviness and everyone, including Papi agreed.

I guess my plan to runaway was now a family sanctioned vacation.

At least the kid was still a secret between Q and my sisters for now.

That at least, I still had control over.

And I was crazy grateful.

It could have been worse.

As we headed to the airport, Q's hand in mine, I felt like returning to my residency would be easier with her by my side.

Felo had been right.

And dream Mami had been right.

Two more months and I'd be officially done with residency.

After that we'd make a run for it.

By then, I'd have told Papi about the baby and Quinn and it would seem like we'd fallen in love naturally and the trip would be a baby-moon.

All above board.

It felt like Mami had worked her magic in making sure that the road ahead of me went smoothly.

Maybe I was starting to believe a little in luck after all.

And maybe every thing would work out.

Maybe I'd even been through my biggest life challenge.

Just maybe.