Heavy (Birdtalker)

The full weight of my trip to Lima doesn't hit me until I'm back in my apartment, standing in front of my full length mirror naked and dripping wet from the hottest shower that I could manage in this old apartment building.

So much of my look is my Papi, my complexion, my height, my face but the little things that are hardly noticeable come from Mami still existing even after she's gone. The birthmark just below my belly button that is beginning to stretch out of shape because of the kid and the many beauty marks that litter my skin all call out to me as reminders.

All of it from her.

Quinn had gone back to work almost as soon as we got off the plane. The work of a young soap opera star is never done, even if soaps are nearly extinct. She kissed my face a hundred times as she left me on my threshold, with apologies pouring from her lips.

"Two days and then you and I can run away for the weekend."

"I have school on Monday...I'm not sure I'll have time to get caught up if we go away." I actually whined.

But if anyone knew my whines in and out, it was definitely Quinn.

"And I have a script to learn by Monday, so we will set some time aside to do our adulting but you need rest. It's evident to me that you have been barely hanging on and I have been too distracted to help you but alas, not any longer." She tipped up my chin and gave me a huge, beautiful grin before kissing my face some more.

An alert went off on her phone and she groaned before kissing my lips one last time.

"Go." I whispered when her phone chimed again.

"Thai?" She asked, knowing somehow that once I went inside the apartment, I probably wasn't leaving.

"Yes."

"I'll bring that and a surprise for you. One more kiss?" She asked and I obliged.

How could I not?

I had locked the door to my apartment and left my luggage by the door.

The place smelled like hot ass and feet with just the hint of apple cinnamon.

I had left in a hurry, not bothering to take out my trash or do the dishes.

The fog of impending doom was finally lifted.

Mami was gone, there was no longer this feeling of temporary permanence that I had fallen into.

Things felt concrete for once and I didn't know what that meant just yet.

So I picked up a dry erase marker and wiped the board clean with my sleeve before doing what Mami had been teaching me to do since I could read.

Make a list.

Step by step, cross things out and conquer the heavy until it feels benign.

TURN ON MUSIC.

WASH DISHES.

DRY DISHES.

SWEEP.

STEAM MOP.

UNPACK LUGGAGE.

SORT LAUNDRY.

WASH LAUNDRY INCLUDING CURRENT CLOTHES.

DRY LAUNDRY.

SHOWER.

WASH AND DEEP CONDITION HAIR.

BRUSH TEETH.

MUD MASK.

FOLD LAUNDRY.

PUT AWAY LAUNDRY.

CALL PAPI.

I stepped back and looked at the list.

All together it was daunting to think of but written out with no deadline felt better than muddling through.

I took a deep breath and went to the kitchen and started from the top.

If anyone told her, I'd deny it until I was blue in the face, but when I get all maudlin, I like to listen to Rachel singing.

Something about that proverbial pain in my side, makes me want to do better than whatever my current situation reflected.

So on went the soundtrack of her current show and began to sing along.

There were 30 tracks on the record and I got to the end just as I was waiting for my laundry to finish drying.

I'd crossed off most of the list and decided to skip ahead to the very end.

"Hello?"

"Bendicion, Papi."

"Hi baby girl, how are you?"

"Probably as good as you."

"There's no way you are also throwing yourself into work as a distraction."

"I'm almost through my list."

"Mami's girl."

"Yup."

"And me?"

"I'm in med school, so who's girl am I really?"

"Ah, touche."

"I go back on Monday."

"Can I talk to you about this Quinn situation?"

"Sure, I can't promise I'll give you the response that you want."

"You rarely do, it's all a part of the excitement of being a parent. You'll see."

I felt a blush come over me.

"Papi..." I began but he tsked.

"You're an adult, you have a good head on your shoulders. I trust you."

"Thank you." I felt the tears welling up and my nose clogged up.

"Back to Quinn. Promise me that you will tread lightly."

"I promise."

"She's not Brittany."

"God, do I know that!" I laughed and so did he.

"Celia is sore about it, you need to stay mindful of how you conduct yourselves on social media and at gatherings."

"I know, Papi."

"I know you think you know it all and I know that Quinn thinks she knows it all but her track record tells me that she has one glaring flaw."

"And what's that?"

"She can be fickle in love."

"Papi that's not true."

"Finn. Noah. Sam. that Yale kid. You. Her professor. Noah again. You again. Celia. You a third time."

"Are you calling her whore?"

"No, I love her like daughter. I always have but you know you're kids. Just like I know that Brittany is flaky but loyal. Quinn can be like Russell."

"Did you give Celia this speech?" Now I felt defensive.

"Yes and she came to me and told me that I was right. So go slow. You're hurting and hormonal."

"Papi, I tire of this barrage of insults you are aiming at someone you call a daughter."

"Pshhh you should hear the crap I talk about you!"

And just like that, he'd turned my mood. I knew he was speaking from a good place.

I knew Quinn's track record just as well and maybe even better than him.

So the reminder was helpful but that didn't mean that I liked it.

After I hung up with Papi, I folded my laundry and then climbed into the shower with a million things running through my mind.

Papi had set something off in me.

I stood in front of that mirror seeking the parts of me that were my father and the parts of me that were certainly my mother.

That's how she found me.

My skin red and blotchy, my eyes full of tears, and my head as heavy as my heart.

She smiled softly at me and then began to pull off her rings before finding my lotion.

I didn't move as I watched her move around my space like it was hers.

In true Quinn form, she hummed to herself in the silence of my apartment.

The music having long ended and not replaced with something else.

She stood behind me rubbing lotion between her palms before blowing into her hands.

Then with all the confidence of someone who knew me intimately, she began to rub her hands against my skin.

I groaned and she just continued humming.

And then Papi's words came back to me.

Fickle.

How many people had she done this for?

How special was I?

"What's wrong?" She asks and I shrug but then her hands still on my waist. "Tell me. Please?"

And so I did, I told her every detail of what Papi had said.

Lesser people would have been pissed.

Brittany would have cried but not Quinn.

Instead she just looked at me with her thinking face.

Eyebrows scrunched and a slight scowl.

"Say something."

"He has a point. I can be fickle when I'm not fully invested in a person. Celia was the closest that I came to being loyal but that was because she was as much of you as I ever thought I'd get."

"But you've had me."

"No, Britt had you, I never really had you as mine. It's all I've ever really wanted. I can't promise you that there won't be doubts on both sides, we both have trust issues. I left your sister like it was nothing, that's going to bother you. You pushed your wife into someone else's arms because you felt like you weren't enough for her. You pushed until she finally gave in. That's scary to me. What I can promise you," She kissed my shoulder and then circled my waist. "Is that if you give me a chance, I will respect your needs and your desires. I will give you space when you need it but I will also be on your ass when you need it. I will always be your best friend."

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"So you don't mind going slow?"

"Definitely not. I also agree not to flaunt us on socials."

"Okay."

"Yeah? Can I finish?"

"Please?"

"Say less."

A/N: Happy New Year, my loves.