Crazy (Jessie Reyez)
She cradles me all night long.
Old Santana would have tried to fuck her or at the very least try to seduce her into fucking me.
Right then though, I just needed her arms around me holding me together until I was ready to do it for myself.
Mami and I are back at the lake again in my dreams but there is no dialogue this time, instead we watch the sunset and hold hands as we walk.
A warmth fills me as I allow the closeness of her touch to remind me that she was still here.
It's with that peace and comfort that I am awakened to a persistent knock.
The bed is cold but the sun is shining brightly into my bedroom.
I can smell Quinn's perfume as it goes stale in the air.
She'd been gone awhile.
When I slide out of bed, the knocking is still going.
I try to recapture the feeling of peace that my dreams had filled me with but I was crazy to think that could be recaptured with the obnoxiousness of reality.
So it's with barely any clothing on that I yank the door open.
"Hey." Britt says, trying to actually look embarrassed. I must look really pissed.
"What is it?" I say without stepping back.
She'd forfeited the right to just barge into my home months ago when she tried to bring HER here on a whim.
"Can I come in?"
She tried it.
"No."
"But I'm here alone."
"I don't care."
"Don't be so cold, baby." She says as she brings her hand up to touch my bare arm.
I jerk back and she looks hurt.
Good.
"What do you want?"
"Uh..." She looked flustered and confused. "To check on you. How did everything go?"
I rolled my eyes up and tried to fight the tears but it was useless.
"My mother is dead. How the fuck do you think it went?"
"Oh."
"Is that it?"
She readjusted her duffel bag and then unzipped it, searching for a moment before pulling out a gold music box that had Lopez inscribed on the top.
"I just wanted to give this to you, we aren't together anymore and now that Maribel is gone, I figured you'd want it back."
The tears were streaking down my cheeks as I looked at the music box in her hands.
"Fuck." I said and then opened the door fully.
Leave it to Brittany to know just how to slip back behind my walls.
Fuck.
I cradled the music box in my hands as I walked back to my bedroom, leaving Britt by the doorway.
The front door closed and then I heard her kick off her shoes.
At least she'd remembered that rule.
I didn't look back at her as I crossed the threshold into my bedroom and sat at my barely used vanity.
A note was scrawled right in the center.
S-
Leaving you this morning was the hardest thing I've had to do in a very long time. Until tonight.
-Q
I smiled as I looked at the blood red lipstick kiss imprint on the paper.
My lipstick.
And just like that I was smiling again.
I traced her swirly handwriting and let myself remember the feel of her body pressed against mine.
"Q?"
I looked up to see Britt leaning over and reading my note.
"Yeah."
"Since when?"
"That's none of your concern."
"Our divorce isn't finalized until June. It's still my concern who you're fucking."
"Well you'll be happy to know that I am not fucking anyone, can you say the same thing...wife?" I cocked an eyebrow and she flushed.
"That's..." She began but then shook her head.
"That's what I thought."
I turned back to the music box and opened it up.
There right at the bottom of the box sat her engagement ring and wedding band.
"Sanny...I just...it's time." She said, sounding rehearsed. "As you know, I've moved on and you've made it clear that you don't want to fix us so...yeah."
"And yet you were just in my fucking business not even two minutes ago. You need to leave." I said, my eyes glued to the little tan ballerina with her arms stretched above her head.
Mami had bought this when I was into ballet hardcore and had it painted to resemble me.
So that I would feel like there was someone else like me, even if it was just a little figura.
"We can still be friends, right?"
I stood to my feet abruptly and she actually stumbled back which is an anomaly in her world.
She reached for the first thing she could grab to prevent her fall, which was unfortunately, me.
Her hands pulled at my top and I went down with her, falling into her lap as she fell on her ass.
My hands immediately went to my stomach as I rested against her.
Being cradled in her arms didn't feel the same way that Quinn's arms had felt the night before.
I pulled away from her but it was too late.
Her large hand rested on my little bump as she held me on her lap.
Our eyes met and for a long moment her eyes asked the question that she was too shocked to ask.
But she'd have to actually ask me for me to admit it.
Her hand came to the side of my face, she tipped up my chin and moved to kiss me.
And I let her.
I needed to know.
She's pulled me into a straddling position over her lap and is kissing me like I'm feeding her hunger.
And I go along with it even though none of this feels real.
I turn my face from her, breaking the kiss and she immediately begins sucking my neck.
And then I see it...the note on my mirror with those two perfect red lips.
Quinn.
I press my arms against Britt and slide out of her lap.
"That's enough." I say and she looks like I've just drowned her cat but I don't fucking care. "You needz to go. Now."
I'm on my feet again, moving, moving towards the door.
She's full of questions and I'm giving her nothing but movement.
A language she should understand.
"Wait." She keeps saying. "Please...is it mine?" I pause at the front door, hand gripping the door knob and wishing that I had the nerve to call her stupid for asking that kind of question. I knew she wasn't as dumb as she liked to pretend.
"Of course not." I say as her hands come to my waist, her body pressing me against the front door. She's grinding her hips now and I'm just standing there, letting it happen.
"You said you weren't fucking anyone else but now you're pregnant."
"You don't have sperm, B. It's not yours. It's not anybody's but mine. Got it."
She whimpered but I pushed back against her as I yanked the door open.
"It could be." She said as she picked up her bag and gave me the saddest expression.
"No."
I had my fiercest glare aimed right at her and waited for her to be fully over the threshold, her eyes filled with yearning, before slamming the door in her face.
And then I heard her yelp and curse.
I rested back against the door and slid the deadbolt into place.
Brittany didn't belong to me anymore and nor did I belong to her, did I wish that we could go back to a simpler time?
Yes.
Did I fit in that life anymore though?
Nope.
I wasn't the woman she loved and she wasn't the woman that I wanted.
"Please, Santana. I can leave her, I can be everything that you need, please?" She begged through tears, it was a knife to the chest to hear her use my full first name but I had to stay strong.
I didn't love her anymore.
Not like I used to.
My landline rang.
Which never happened.
I usually forgot it existed until my phone died.
With one last deep breath, I pushed off the door and picked up the phone.
"Yeah?"
"Hey, you answered!"
Quinn.
"Why didn't you just call my cell?"
"I did, like five times and so I called you here. I was like five seconds from calling the cops. Are you okay? Your phone is normally attached to your hand, I thought you'd passed out."
"Brittany is currently weeping outside the door, she thinks this is her baby somehow."
"I'm on my way."
"No, Q...you don't have to."
"It's fine, I was going to surprise you with lunch anyway."
"Aww, thanks! I haven't even eaten yet."
"No bueno, S. Any cravings?"
"Something cold and something hot."
"Soup and a smoothie?"
"Hot noodles and a smoothie?"
"You got it. Do you want me to come there first and maybe we can go out?"
"Uh..."
"S, you've been in that apartment for days now, you need to get some air."
"Fine."
"Good because I'm already at your building. Go get dressed, I'll take care of B."
"Thank God."
"I know, I know, you owe me."
"Yeah I do."
A/N: Had to get the cobwebs out...is anyone out there?