She is used to seeing tears. She is used to causing them. What she isn't used to is people approaching her with tears already in their eyes. But it is becoming more common place and she thinks that it is because she listens. And to some degree, she understands. At the very least, she understands how it feels. The hopelessness, that feeling of being lost. The need for an outlet.
She has had many outlets and all of them were anger. All of them lead to her own ruin. Regina stares at Ashley as she weeps about how taxing motherhood is. This, Regina understands very well. What she does not understand is why Ashely is coming to her. The mayor herself has never been a good person, much less a good mother. She hasn't been a good anything, not for a very long time.
And she has only so freshly shed her Evil Queen moniker.
"Yes, they're fussy. Henry was a handful at times."
"How did you do it?"
Regina thinks for a moment, "I suppose that I just thought of all of the times he had done something sweet and adorable and about all of the times he'd make me smile again." She adds a small smile for emphasis.
Ashley isn't the only one. She isn't even the only one that day. Granny vents about how difficult Ruby is being and Ruby rants about how overbearing Granny is. Henry talks about how frustrating school is.
And Grumpy...the dwarf is a steady flow of complaints and tirades.
Sometimes she doesn't even have a name for the face that sits down next to her for a venting session. But every single time she lets them complain or yell or cry. Occasionally all three. She isn't sure why they come to her when Archie's chair is open.
Emma is the hardest to deal with. The hardest because she cares. Because she doesn't like seeing the woman hurting. She never has the heart to tell her to leave and tell her problems to someone else because she owes her at least this much. And she owes Mary even more.
No one owes her anything.
She locks her front door and musters up the energy to make it to her loveseat. She isn't entirely sure of how long she sits there for, but the sun finishes its descent and the room has gone dark. She tries to muster up the will power to go turn on the light and get some paperwork done. Instead she curls herself up on the seat and waits for sleep to come. It stubbornly refuses.
She has forgotten to take her shoes off.
She is thankful for the weekend, it means that she doesn't have to drag herself out of bed. But she resents the weekend because there is no work to take her mind off of things. She supposes that she could clean but the mansion is already spotless.
So she lays. Lays and stares. Stares and thinks. She is, perhaps not a hero, but she isn't a villain anymore. She is trying to do right by the people she had wronged. And yet she isn't happy. Henry runs up her porch steps and into her house with a smile on his face, people smile at and greet her when they pass her by on the streets, Ruby invites her for drinks at the Rabbit Hole. And yet she isn't happy.
She is hollow. Hollow and overcome by a potent dread that it is all fake, that they are planning to take her down after playing nice or, at the very least, poised to turn on her the minute she makes a mistake again. And she will make a mistake. She knows that she will because she knows how she is. She knows who she is. Her heart aches. Her dark and useless heart.
She hears a knock on her door and swallows. She rubs her eyes, takes a deep breath, and teleports in front of the door. She should have walked to it like anyone else would have. She pulls it open. "Good morning, Emma."
"Hey." She mutters.
Regina swallows again. "I take it that you'd like to sit down?" She motions inside.
"Yeah, that'd be great."
She waits for Emma to get comfortable before handing her a drink. "What's on your mind, Swan?"
"Everything I guess. This whole savior thing. I don't want to disappoint Henry but it's...it's just a lot to deal with, ya know?"
Regina nods.
"And he's always asking what cool savior thing I did today and so I have to go out and find something savior-ish to do."
"You don't have to do that, Emma. He'll always look up to you. Even if your...savior thing...was helping Happy bring his groceries inside."
Emma chuckles. "I guess. But I just don't want to disappoint him, ya know?"
She does. Very much. She very nearly tells Emma that she has nothing to worry about, that any blunder she makes will be wholly outshined by a disappointing relapse from her.
"And even without Henry, it's just a lot of pressure. Everyone expects something of me. Sometimes I think that they expect me to be something I'm not."
Regina bites the inside of her cheek, her stomach giving an unpleasant flutter. "Yeah, I guess that's part of being a hero." And what a foolish and unhelpful thing to say. But what else can she say, this time she doesn't have the answer nor advice that is being sought out. She thinks that she might be getting misty eyed, there is a tightness in her throat.
"Sometimes I just want to be Emma."
"Yeah."
"And not have to deal with savior this and savior that…"
"Yeah."
"I just feel like I'm not good enough."
Regina can't help it, she really hadn't meant too, but she cracks. Cracks but there is so much pressure behind that crack...she buries her face in her hands and she lets herself slump over. Emma calls out to her but she doesn't quite hear it. Not through the haze of sadness in her head. Not over her uncontrollable tears. She is beyond willing herself to stop.
She feels a hand on her trembling shoulder. She thinks that Emma might have asked her if she is okay but it doesn't quite register. Only the sensation of a hand rubbing her back.
It isn't until her cries slow that she manages to sputter, "I can't do it anymore."
Emma goes rigid.
"I can't listen to their problems anymore." She clarifies and Emma relaxes a little. "I let them talk and unload but it's…" she thinks for a moment. "It's heavy. It's so heavy. I'm surrounded by it, Emma."
"By what?"
"I don't know. Anger, sadness, despair. My own and…" she takes a breath. "And everything else that everyone tells me about. I think about it; I think about Ashely and her baby, if they're doing well. I think about Nicholas and how he's being bullied at school-what if that was Henry? And Claire-Jefferson told me that she's sick, Emma. That she's been to see Dr. Whale every other week. And Dr. Whale said that he's seen a spike in cases and that he's worried that he can't keep up with it…"
"Regina…"
"And it's my fault, Emma." She declares. "It's my fault because I brought everyone here, where there are no happy endings."
"But there are, Regina. The curse is broken. And do you think that someone like Grumpy wouldn't find a way to be miserable wherever he is at?"
She gives a bitter laugh. "I sure as hell did."
Emma flinches.
"And I don't know what to tell them. But I guess whatever I say to them works because they keep coming back to me."
"They keep coming back to you because you're helpful. You're a nice person and you listen. You make them feel comfortable. They don't feel like you're going to judge them for whatever they tell you. And, I think that you make them feel cared for. You make me feel cared for." Emma smiles.
"But I can't do it anymore, Emma." She whispers. "I can't even solve my own problems, how am I supposed to help anyone else if I can't fix me?"
Emma tries another laugh. "I don't know but you're doing a damn good job of it."
"I couldn't help you today." She mutters and Emma cringes again. "I couldn't help you because…"
"You feel exactly the same way, don't you? You don't want to disappoint Henry…"
Regina gives a sad smile and a nod.
"And you don't want to disappoint anyone else. But they all expect you to be this shoulder to cry on…"
"Yes, Swan."
"Why don't you just tell them to go talk to Archie?"
"Because I have to do it, I have to listen."
"Why?"
"Because I hurt every single one of them and now I have to…"
"Oh, Regina." Emma says softly. She hadn't expected the savior to hug her. "You've probably made it up to some of those people several complaints ago."
"No one helps me, Emma." She wipes at her eyes. "No one is there to fix me."
"I'm here, Regina. I can listen to you complain sometimes. I'm even doing it right now." She tires another smile. And this time Regina manages a very small and short laugh. "You make a lot of people feel better and Henry is really proud of you."
"He is?"
Emma nods. "He is and so are Mary and David. You're a good person, Regina. If I give myself a break and let people solve their own issues for a change, will you give yourself a break?"
Regina nods, "I suppose."
"Good, because you don't have to be a hero all the time."
"I'm not a…"
"I have a feeling that you're going to help me fix whatever crisis hits Storybrooke, next."
"Probably, yes."
"Great! Well there is no crisis today, so let's take a day off and let Happy carry his own groceries inside! Do you want to take Henry to the park?"
"That sounds lovely, Emma."