Mouse's face was the first thing that came into focus. I cursed as I realized I was having a nightmare. Again.
This was already the second one tonight, which, so far, has been a record. I have been here for two months now, working on the case in my free time, finding nothing.
The Army has granted me time off until I solve the case. Unfortunately, Intelligence was passed onto another case and they only help out occasionally, busy with other things.
The nightmares have gotten worse and worse since I've been home. I realized about a week ago that I had never been home this long from a tour before, except after my first.
I sighed and sat up, ignoring Mouse's worried looks and I limped to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of whiskey and downing it.
Mouse follows me and rips it out of my hands, cursing. "Jay, man, it's three in the morning. What the hell are you thinking?"
I shrug. "It helps."
"Yeah, well, I'm not letting you fall into the bottle like I did when I came home," he says and a pang of guilt runs through me, reminding me I wasn't there for him.
"I'm going for a run, then," I slur, heading for the door.
Luckily, I already had basketball shorts on, but I didn't bother to put a shirt on.
My dog tags bounced against my chest as the cold air bit my skin. Every time they came up and hit me in the face, it reminded me of all the friends I've lost.
Soon, it got to be too much and I collapsed next to a bench, bringing my head up to rest in between my knees.
I don't know how long I was there before a hand on my shoulder snapped me back to reality. I flinched, jumping up, ready to attack.
I saw the man, holding his hands out cautiously, not making any sudden movements.
His gaze landed on my dog tags and then he made eye contact, and I immediately knew he was a soldier. The understanding in his eyes was all too familiar when I met a soldier.
"Army?" I nod.
"Navy?" I ask him, seeing the tattoo on his shoulder.
He nods. "Where?"
I hesitate. "Korengal Valley," I mutter.
His eyes widen. "Well, shit. Sorry, man."
I shrug.
He holds out a hand. "Seaman Logan Davis."
I shake his hand. "Master Sergeant Jay Halstead."
His eyes go even wider, and he laughs a little. "You're Halstead? Dude, you're like, legendary. It's an honor."
I nod. "So, what are you doing in Chicago?" He asks.
"Um, I actually live here, but right now, I'm here on business," I answer, the chill starting to make me shiver.
"Cool. Hey, here's my number, if you ever, I don't know, feel like talking. I got back from my last tour seven months ago, and the PTSD is still pretty bad, so I know the routine," he says, writing on a piece of paper and handing it to me.
I nod and take it, thanking him quietly.
He offers to run back with me, so I agree, seeing the way his hands are shaking and his breathing is hitched, but not from the cold.
I stop a few blocks away from Mouse's apartment and shake his hand, saluting him before leaving.
He smiles and turns, running back the other way. It takes me about ten more minutes to reach Mouse's apartment and I get inside quickly, half frozen.
He watches me walk in and runs over, immediately going and wrapping a blanket around me.
He leads me back to my bed and he helps me lay down, and I fall asleep quickly, the nightmares once again plaguing my mind.
CPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPD
I woke up alone for once, since usually a nightmare has Mouse rushing in to wake me before I can do any damage.
I get up slowly, feeling the aching of my knee again. I still had a limp, even though the injury had healed months ago.
I walked to the kitchen and got myself some coffee, pouring a good amount of whiskey into it before Mouse walked in the door.
He eyed me and smiled slightly. "Hey man, I didn't think you'd be awake."
"Yeah."
We don't say anything else, and I begin to wonder when it got so weird between us.
"Well, Intelligence just finished up another case, so we're gonna put some time into your case, if you want to come in with me today," he tells me.
"Uh, yeah, sure," I say hesitantly.
He notices and places a hand on my shoulder, lifting my chin so I will look at him. "Jay, come on man. This isn't you."
"What are you talking about?"
"The nightmares, and the panic attacks. You're supposed to be the strong one, remember? You can't just hide away here all day long. You need to get out of the apartment, maybe some fresh air would be good for you," he says.
"I just got some fresh air," I say.
"What, nearly freezing to death while you run your lungs out?" He says. "Come on, you're coming to the district with me."
I know I don't have a choice, so I nod and head to my room, slipping on a black hoodie and some jeans, making sure to attach my gun to my belt.
I join Mouse in the living room and he smiles sadly when he sees me trying to hide my shaky hands.
"Let's go," he says.
I hesitantly follow him out, climbing into the passenger seat of his Jeep, where he immediately blasts the heat.
I shrug myself further into my hoodie and feel my eyes fall closed barely a minute into the drive.
I am shaken awake not long after though, and Mouse eyes me cautiously. Another nightmare. Great.
I lean my head against the window and sit silently, listening to the rain that just started up.
By the time we reach the district, I am completely caught in the throws of a flashback, and Mouse has to whisper soft words to me until I acknowledge I'm back with him.
I get out of the car and follow him inside, dreading every moment. Adam greets us first, handing each of us a coffee on our way to the bullpen.
Voight comes out of his office just as Antonio walks in, followed by Alvin, Kevin, Kim, and Hailey.
She smiles at me as I take a seat next to her desk. Voight walks out of his office and shakes my hand.
They all start filling the board with pictures and notes and I try to follow everything, but it's been so long since I've actually worked the case that a lot of it goes right over my head.
Then my eyes land on Terry's picture again. I can feel my breathing start to pick up as I notice another familiar face.
"Woah, woah. Stop for a minute," I say, walking even closer to the board. They all stop moving, looking over at me.
"Mouse. Is that Hollingsworth?" I ask him quietly, and his eyes widen. He moves in front of the board to see and puts his face in his hands.
"Damn it," he mutters under his breath.
I turn and slowly walk out of the room, going into the break room and pulling out my phone.
I dig the piece of paper out of my pocket and dial the number, but it becomes frustrating when a simple task becomes nearly impossible because my hands are shaking so badly.
Hailey walks into the room and shuts the door behind her, seeing my struggle and holding out a hand for my phone.
I reluctantly hand it over and she dials it for me, simply smiling with no traces of judgment on her face.
I mumble a thank you and hold the phone up to my ear. I slide myself down the wall, waiting for it to pick up.
"Hello?" A woman's voice comes through.
"Um, is this Logan Davis' phone?" I ask, slightly confused.
"Yes, this is his wife, who is this?" She says.
"I'm, uh, Jay Halstead, we met the other day in the park, um, is he home?" I say quickly.
"Oh, yes, of course, sorry, I'll go get him for you," she says.
"Thank you," I mutter.
"Jay?" His voice finally comes through.
"Yeah," I answer. I can see Hailey's confused look as she joins me on the floor.
"I have to be honest, I didn't think you'd call," he says. Then he adds at the last minute, "But I'm glad you did."
"I'm sorry man, I wasn't thinking, I just…" I trail off, and I can practically see him nodding through the phone.
"No, it's totally fine. What's going on?" He asks.
I sigh. Hailey places a comforting hand on my shoulder and I don't pull away like I thought I would've but found myself leaning into her touch.
"Um, well I told you how I was here on business?" I start slowly.
"Yeah."
"So the army sent me here to stop the terrorist organization that's killing soldiers, I'm sure you know which one," I begin. "It's just, I was looking at the board today and I guess I didn't realize how many of them I knew."
I can't make myself continue, and I feel tears welling up in my eyes for the first time in… probably years.
After so many tours, I was forced to shut off the part of me that could actually feel.
"I'm sorry. Look, I know how hard this can be. I lost a lot of friends, and at first, I felt hopeless, like nothing could get better, and I was in a really dark place. But I met my wife, and she showed me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel," he says. "How about we meet up later? Get a coffee, or something?"
I think for a moment. "Yeah, sure."
I hang up then, the phone dropping from my hands and Hailey is still there, running a hand down my back slowly.
Before I know what I am doing, I lean my head against her chest and she simply holds me as I cry, silent tears running down my cheeks at the thought of going back.
Mouse's words ran through my head again and again, about not accepting more tours. He was right. It was too much.
I feel myself slipping into a flashback and I think somehow Hailey notices, because then she's whispering soft words into my ear, and I feel my heart slow down and my vision clears.
I sit up and lean my head back against the wall. She smiles at me and stands up, holding out a hand and pulling me up as well.
"Thanks," I say, barely a whisper.
"Anytime," she smiles, before leaving the break room, sparing a tiny glance backwards before shutting the door after her.
I go to the counter and lean my face into my hands, trying to get rid of the tear tracks on my face.
Mouse comes in a minute later and sits me down in one the chairs. He doesn't say anything, simply sits there and waits for me to acknowledge him.
"You're right, Mouse. These tours, they're killing me," I say quietly. He nods. "But I don't know how to quit. I love the rush of the missions, how it makes me feel, and over there, I have a hold on the PTSD. When I'm there, I know how to shut it off," I say.
"Jay, I know. I went through it too. I know how good it makes you feel, but it isn't healthy for you to keep shoving everything down. Because one day, you won't be able to hold it back, and you'll be on a mission and you'll hear a gunshot and you'll panic. Start having flashbacks on the battlefield. You remember when it happened to me. You barely pulled me out of there alive. Even took a few bullets for me, remember? You need to stop now, you can learn to deal with it. The triggers and the flashbacks. Being a cop, it's helped me like you can't even imagine. You still get that rush and you still get that great feeling when you save someone's life. Let me help you," he pleads with me.
I glance at him and nod slowly. "Okay."