Going Up In Flames
AN: Oh my lord. About five minutes after I posted my last chapter, I realized I'd forgotten to thank everyone who'd reviewed the previous one! I feel like such a bitch... SO SORRY ABOUT THAT! It won't happen again, so please don't stop dropping me a line or two...
THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED THE LAST TWO CHAPTERS! You guys are gods and goddesses. LOVE you!
I apologize, also, for the long gap between chapters (again). Lots of reasons... but I won't bore you. This is a long one to make up for it, tho. Seriously looooooooong. Sorry! Hope you enjoy!
Despite being in an absolutely rotten mood, I'd never been so happy to go grocery shopping in my life before, and I probably never would be again after this, either. Not that I was complaining about my stellar care at the Cullen's, but almost a week of their constant spoiling just about smothered me. I'd nearly forgotten how to tie my own shoes by the time I got the okay to head back to the rez. Although, having Alice somehow set up a webcam viewing of the Paris fashion shows so we could shop for the latest couture from my bedside kind of made it all worth it.
Back home, I only had to worry about my Packmates' attempts to coddle me. Attempts which, in reality, only amounted to a pint of my favorite Ben 'n Jerry's ice cream, and never, ever, being left alone. Embry had, for all intents and purposes, moved into my house, which I secretly didn't mind in the slightest. Seth, however, was less than thrilled with my current sleeping arrangments- which was his own damn fault for finding out, since he didn't seem to know how to knock, and didn't have the brains to know innocent, friendly cuddling from the more intimate kind. He acted like he had to pour acid on his eyeballs, threw a huge fit, and somehow managed to talk Jake into putting Embry on night patrol. At least Jacob and Quil had the good sense not to say a word about it. Within my earshot, that is.
Stupid Wolf-boys were worse gossips than any high school drama queen I'd ever met. Emmet was still laughing over the whole thing.
"How many cans of black beans did you want me to get?" Embry asked, suddenly breaking into my silent musings by dumping his armload of cans into my cart. "I grabbed about ten or so."
"I don't know. How many burritos can you eat in one sitting?"
He scrunched up his face in serious contemplation. "Dunno. Twelve, if I'm just average hungry, not straight-off-patrol hungry."
"Then you should grab another armful," I replied absently, perusing my foot-long grocery list as he dutifully headed back to the canned foods. Feeding a bunch of hungry Wolves doing extra paroles was no joke, but since I was under strict doctor orders not to phase, I figured I could at least be useful in keeping them fed, even if they were a bunch of irritating shits.
Okay, so I couldn't cook half as well as Esme (which was bizarre since she hadn't actually had to cook for decades), but I could make the basics in enormously large quantities. And if those stupid Wolf boys complained, I'd dump arsenic all over it and shove it down their throats anyway.
... Can you tell it was driving me insane not to be able to patrol? Because bloody hell, was it ever. Speaking of which, I needed to buy a new (and more durable) frying pan thanks to my conversation that morning with my dearest Alpha. Jake had refused to give me any patrol duties until I got the okay, even oh-so-kindly reminding me that I'd gotten smashed up so bad it might be another week before Carlisle thought I was ready to shift again, and I... kinda dented my best frying pan on his freakishly hard head. And then broke the handle off and chucked it at his retreating back.
So, yeah. Not so much in a great mood.
I grabbed two of the strongest-looking frying pans La Push's tiny grocery store had to offer, then headed to the check-out aisle. Embry met me there and dumped his last armload of cans onto the belt along with two 12-packs of Ramen.
"My cooking is not that bad," I snarled at him. He put his hands up and backed away slowly like he was afraid I was going to go ape-shit on his butt right there in the Shop 'n Go Food Mart check out aisle. Ah, it felt good to know my patented Leah Death Glare was still effective.
"You're cooking's good, B. I just love Ramen," Embry replied earnestly. I glared at him for a minute longer just because I was crabbier than a vegetarian in an all-you-can-eat steak buffet, then sighed and turned back to our huge pile of groceries.
Leaving him to finish bagging everything up, I headed out to his beat-up Ford with my arms full of the first load of food. Just my luck, I bumped into someone (literally) just outside the door, hard enough that I staggered backwards a step to regain my balance.
What the hell. Whoever it was had better be blind, or old, or in some other way not to be held responsible for banging into me, because otherwise I was going to kick their ass. It's not like I could see around the pile of groceries I was carrying.
"Sorry, I wasn't looking, and... Oh, Leah! Hi!"
The overly excited voice sounded vaguely familiar even as it grated on my nerves like Seth's chirper attitude in the morning. I manuevred my armload enough to be able to see the speaker and bit back a groan.
That Matt kid- or was it Mark? I couldn't remember- stood right in front of me, grinning hugely from ear to ear. And to make it worse, there were five more of his Packmates behind him, Leg-Fetish-Brady and Jared being among them. And, of course, Brady's eyes had wandered down below my waist, while Jared was very obviously trying to hold in a laugh. As for Matt and the other guys, well, let's just say they were looking at me like it was Christmas morning and I was their present.
Times like this made me wish Cyrus had finished me off.
"Wow. You look great! I mean, you look healthy," Matt stuttered out, and I arched one eyebrow at him, daring him to keep talking. Sure enough, the moron kept babbling like a prepubescent boy with a crush. "That is, for just being beat up. Not beat up. Uh... injured?"
Okay, a royal ass-whupping was about to occur, in Wolf form or not. Phasing and taking a chunk out of him be so worth the major shit I'd be in from Jacob. What the hell was this kid's problem?
I caught the amused, expectant gleam in Jared's eyes, and immediately snapped my mouth shut, damn near choking on the stream of profanities about to pour out. Jared was hoping I'd tear into the kid unmercifully, acting like it would be some kind of twisted entertainment. Oh, look! The Bitch is back! I always knew she couldn't really change! No way in hell was I going to give him the satisfaction. Seeing the shock on his face made it worth the effort to give Matt a small, tight-lipped smile.
"Oh, hey, let me get those for you," said one of the other boys. Before I had time to blink, my groceries had been snatched right out of my hands.
"No, wait- I can handle that myself, ... er, um..." I trailed off, trying vainly to come up with the kid's name but blanking. He ignored me and headed to the open trunk of Embry's beat-up Ford while the others minus Jared gave his back the stink-eye.
"You've got more stuff inside, right? We'll grab it for you!" declared Matt eagerly, and all but Jared disappeared into the store before I could stop them.
Deep breaths, Leah. One... two... three... four... must not phase in the parking lot...
"It's, uh, it's good to see you back on your feet, Leah," Jared said on a poorly disguised laugh, breaking into my concentration. Scowling, I crossed my slightly trembling arms across my chest.
"Right. Get your pups under control, would ya? I don't need any help carrying my groceries."
The man started giggling- honest to god, uncontrollable, girlish, giggling, for cripe's sake, but it seemed like it was more at a private joke than at me. Which was lucky for him, because, unlike him, I was wearing shoes, and I wasn't above smacking him in the face with one of them.
Embry coming out of the door to join us with a comically confused look on his face distracted me. "What the hell, B? How'd you get an army of slaves? And can we use them more often?"
"They're not my slaves!" I hissed, embarrassed. "I don't even know their names!"
Jared snorted in an attempt to reign in his giggle-fit. "Don't tell them that. You'll break their fragile little hearts! They pretty much worship you like some kind of goddess, you know."
The boys in question trooped out of the store and passed us then, cutting off my angry retort. The way they all grinned at me like over-eager puppies made me cringe.
"See what I mean?" Jared muttered. "I swear, if I have to be subjected to another fantasy involving your legs, I'm going to kill Brady."
I'm guessing the less-than-amused look on my face bordered on scary, because Jared suddenly cleared his throat and barked at his troop to stop wasting time and get inside. I swear, I couldn't tell who was more mortified, them or I, when the pups chorused a 'see you later, Leah!' in unison. Even my worst Glare of Death couldn't stop Jared from laughing his ass off as he followed them into the store.
I caught Embry trying to hide a grin as we climbed into the front seat of his Ford, and I crossed my arms over my chest with an indignant huff.
"It's not freakin' funny, Tank!"
"Yeah, actually, it kinda is," he replied, the grin stretching wider across his face. "'Sides, you've gotta expect things like that when you're hot as hell."
"Oh, like you would know," I snorted sarcastically. He flexed some of his drool-worthy muscles, smirking.
"Please, B. I'm so hot, I make the sun look cold."
I had to laugh, even though I secretly thought it was true. That boy was just too damn sexy for his own good. Melt in your mouth, yes-sir-may-I-have-another bit of tasty goodness in one Wolf-boy package... and I really had to stop having those kinds of thoughts about him.
Quil met us at my front door when we pulled up, anxious for food before he and Embry left to take the next patrol. And despite my less-than-stellar cooking skills, the two of them dug into their share of the burritos like it was a four-star meal.
I left them to it and was working on frying up the meat for Seth and Jacob's food when I heard a timid knock on the front door. Frowning, spatula in hand, I whipped it open to reveal Emily's scarred face.
For a brief second, she stared at me with a distraught expression, wringing her hands, before diving at me and catching me in a tight hug.
What. The. Bloody-ass. Hell. Had she gone insane?
"Oh, Leah! I'm so glad you're okay! I've been so worried- you have no idea!" she sobbed into my shoulder. I stood completely stiff and still in her arms, sorely tempted to beat her off with my spatula. I was aware of the tense silence emanating from the kitchen, and I wondered if she knew Embry and Quil were listening in on this little episode. Emily's snot and tears soaked into my shirt, but I was too shocked to say or do anything.
It took her a few minutes, but when I didn't respond to her hug, she finally composed herself enough to pull away from me. She wiped her eyes, still looking at me, and I finally managed to get myself together enough to say something.
"Uh, yeah. Did you want something?"
Probably not the friendliest of responses, but what did she expect anyway? Her face fell, and fresh tears started to leak down her cheeks. I shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot and worried that she was going to try to hug me again.
"I wanted to see you, Leah. You almost died; I couldn't stand not seeing for myself that you're alright," she continued passionately. "Sam won't tell me much about what happened... all I could think about was you being hurt. I could've taken care of you if you'd come back to La Push right away-"
"The Cullens fixed me up, Emily. There's nothing to worry about," I cut in. The good side of her face pulled into a quick grimace, like she realized she'd just said something wrong.
"Of course they did. I didn't mean it like that. I'm so grateful that Dr. Cullen could help you. But Leah- I can't help worrying about you. You're my family. My cousin. I miss you..."
She trailed off awkwardly and looked at me expectantly. I couldn't answer her because I just didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell her that I missed her, too, because I didn't. I didn't even really want to be around her, much less be her friend. The only reason I was standing there talking to her at all was because Jacob wanted us to keep peace between the Packs- for his sake and especially Quil's. I also owed her Pack for helping mine with the search for Cyrus, so I couldn't very well slam the door in her face.
"You... you shouldn't worry about me, Emily," I finally muttered when nothing else suitable came to mind. She broke into a smile, like I had just told her I'd forgiven her for everything, and hugged me again. Mustering up every ounce of acting power I had, I managed to lift one hand to pat her twice on the back. And, oh great, she was sniveling into my shoulder again.
"Oh, Leah! I know we've had problems, and we've kind of grown apart," she began once she'd pulled back and mopped her face again. I was hard pressed not to snort incredulously at her major understatement; she didn't seem to notice. "But, ever since your... your accident, I just can't stop thinking about how I'd almost lost you and everything we'd been through growing up together... Leah, if you'll consider it, I'd really, really like for you to be in my wedding, just like we've been planning since we were little girls. You agreed to it before, even though I know things changed after you- after you joined the Pack. And I know Sam... er, some of the boys won't be happy about me asking you, but... It just won't be right without you as a bridesmaid. "
The house was so silent that I could've heard a mouse sneeze. Nobody was breathing; not me, not Emily, and not either one of the boys in the kitchen. I could feel Quil begging me to agree to it to keep Emily (and therefore Sam and the La Push Pack) happy. Now, I may never admit it out loud, but there wasn't a whole lot I wouldn't do for my Packmates. Hell, I'd die for any of them- but this? This was asking a lot.
"Oh... I don't know. I mean, I'm not sure it's a good idea..." I began uncertainly, but Emily cut me off.
"Please, Leah? It would mean so much to me. It really would."
I took a deep breath, then blew it out silently. Would it really be so terrible to agree to this? To stand up there in an ugly dress, having everyone look at me with pity while she and Sam exchanged vows?
Yes. Yes, it probably would. But what the hell did it matter, anyway, if it made things easier for Quil and Jacob?
"Fine. Yeah, I'll be a bridesmaid, if you really want me to be," I muttered quietly. Emily flung her arms around me, again, and I winced since she couldn't see my face.
"Oh, Leah!" she blubbered. "I'm so happy, you have no idea! I'll talk to my mom right away and get your dress ordered. If we get you fitted next week, everything should be ready in time!"
Now I was confused. "Isn't the wedding going to be in September? What's the rush?"
"It was, but we just decided to move it up to this month," Emily replied sheepishly. She blushed and put her hands over her lower stomach nervously. "It wasn't what we planned, but we... I'm pregnant, so we didn't want to wait for fall to get married."
The bottom fell out of my universe, and I felt vaguely like puking, but I kept a fake smile plastered on my face.
"Oh. Well, that's... that's... um, congratulations," I forced out lamely, and she smiled wider than ever, with a touch of relief. I supressed a twinge of anger. What the hell did she expect me to do, attack her?
"We haven't told many people yet, just my mom and the rest of the wedding party, so please don't say too much yet. We'll be sending out the new invitations in a few days, though," she went on breathlessly. Again, I just smiled and nodded while she talked on about getting me fitted for my bridesmaid dress and how happy she was that I would be in her wedding. I wasn't even sure what she all said, just that sometime soon she'd be calling me with fitting times and so on.
I closed the door slowly when she'd finally left, and took a few deep breaths to compose myself. A baby. Emily and Sam were going to have a baby. Not only were they getting married in just a few weeks, they were going to have a child together. A life, a family, a child. Everything I would have had, in another lifetime. Everything I would never have now.
Numbly, I walked back into the kitchen, heading instinctively toward Embry. For what, I didn't know. Comfort? An escape?
...Love?...
Whatever I was looking for, I wasn't going to get it from him at the moment. He stood up slowly as I came through the door, but his face was dark as thunderclouds, and his eyes were cold and black as chips of obsidian. I swallowed, but pretended not to notice anything and calmly went back to frying the meat. The air in the room was thick and heavy with tension, and I jumped when his voice cut through the silence.
"What. The. Hell. Leah, what the hell are you doing?"
The growl in his voice made me want to wince, but I stood my ground, turned around, and glared instead. I was Leah Clearwater, after all.
"It's obvious, isn't it? I just agreed to be a bridesmaid. Or re-agreed, since I said I'd do it before I sprouted fur," I replied sarcastically.
"Are you masochistic or something? Why the hell would you agree to this? It's sick. It's messed up," Embry shot at me. His voice shook slightly from the tremors beginning to rock through his body.
I felt like punching him but held myself still. "Because it's my decision, Call. Because it'll make things easier for everybody. Because she's Emily, and she gets what she wants."
"Fuck Emily. Who gives a shit what she wants?"
I internally winced at the anger in his snarled words, but my mouth moved fast enough to hide it. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe Sam for one."
Oops, wrong thing to say. The fury on his face doubled, as did his tremors. He looked like he was barely holding his skin together, but he still managed to sneer at me.
"Yeah, I forgot. Sam might be upset, and you wouldn't want that, would you? Not your precious, fucking, Sam!"
Holy shit. He did not just say that to me. Did he? How could he say that to me? I was shaking now, my carefully constructed facade in shambles as I fought hard not to phase and go for his jugular. And judging bythe look on his face, he was fighting the same urge.
The sudden scraping of chair legs against the worn linoleum floor distracted me, and I shifted my glare to Quil. He got to his feet awkwardly and mumbled something about going on patrol before bolting out of the room as fast as his human legs could carry him. At any other time, I would have laughed out loud at how goofy he looked, but not now. Right now I was far too pissed off. And hurt. I felt like I had just been stabbed in the heart, and I hated Embry for it.
"You have no right-" I began in a shaking voice, but Embry cut over me angrily.
"What is so god-damned special about Sam Uley that you can't get over him, Leah? Huh? Fill me in, 'cause I gotta tell you, I can't see it."
A lump of tears threatened to clog my throat, but I choked them back. "You don't see a damn thing, Embry Call. You're blind. You're-"
"Yeah, I'm blind! I actually thought you were growing a spine, that you'd had some self-respect. That you were finally getting over your pathetic, stupid sniveling for him. Thanks for proving me wrong."
"Get. Out. Of. My. House," I snarled at him in a dangerously quiet voice laced with acid.
"With pleasure," he growled back, and was gone before I could even think to throw the spatula in my hand at the back of his head. The faint sound of fabric tearing reached my ears a short second later, and I knew he'd phased and was running hard for the Cullen territory.
Suddenly, all my anger- and the tremors with it- disappeared, and I crumpled to a heap on the floor. I only realized I was crying when the salty, wet smell permeated my senses; I rubbed my fists against my eyes roughly.
What the hell had just happened? What had happened to my Tank, the one that always seemed to know what was bothering me? I had needed him, and he'd let me down.
Anger bouyed me up again, and I harshly scrubbed the traitorous tear-marks off my face. The meat was burning on the stove, and I went back to cooking it with a whole lot more energy than I needed.
How dare Embry say those things to me? How dare he accuse me of still chasing after Sam, of still wanting Sam. Like I'd agreed to be in his stupid wedding just so I could pretend it was me getting married to him.
Well, fuck that. I was Leah Clearwater. I was not that pathetic.
... And I wasn't going to care that Embry had just run out on me and most likely wasn't going to be coming back. That was his loss, the stupid mutt.
I slammed the bowl of charred meat onto the table with the rest of the burrito fixings just as Seth and Jacob came in the front door. I could tell by the way they both watched me warily and stayed out of range of my fists when they came into the kitchen that Quil had given them the heads-up.
"I'm going out," I snarled, the look on my face daring either one of them to just try to stop me. Or worse yet, offer to go with me. Seth started to open his mouth, but Jacob's hand on his shoulder stopped him. The way my over-protective Alpha nodded silently at me, despite how badly I could tell he wanted to remind me not to go near the borderline, made me almost feel guilty about smashing my frying pan over his head that morning. Almost.
Jacob didn't need to worry, though. I had no intention of going anywhere near the border. I was pissed off, but I wasn't stupid. Besides the threat of Cyrus lurking out there somewhere, one of the Wolves from Sam's Pack would be on me in a heartbeat if I got anywhere close to the edge of the rez, and the last thing I needed was to deal with any of them again today.
It was a good thing I knew Embry was phased at the moment, otherwise the urge to do so myself would've been overpowering. And as much as I bitched about not being able to patrol, the occasional ache deep in my healed bones told me that wouldn't be the greatest idea I'd ever had. I settled for sitting with my back against an ancient pine and letting my thoughts drift instead.
The sun had long since set and the moon was high overhead when a familiar scent wafted into my nose. A scent that once upon a time might have made me want to shrivel up and die, but now just made me feel like cursing and punching the nearest solid object.
Sam.
Damn it all to hell. Why was he stopping in mid-run and phasing back to his human form now, of all times? There was no one in the entire history of the human, vampire, and shape-shifter world that I wanted to see less than him right now. Even worse, I couldn't get up and run away from him without looking like a pathetic, love-sick, coward.
Which I wasn't, no matter what Embry thought.
So I sat there and fixed Sam with a look of annoyed indifference when he came out of the trees towards me.
"Leah, what are you doing? You shouldn't be out here by yourself. You know it's not safe-"
"Are you saying your Pack can't keep Cyrus off the rez, Uley?" I interrupted him mockingly. He flushed red underneath his dark skin and changed the subject.
"Emily told me she went to see you, and that she asked you to be her... her bridesmaid. I wanted to tell her not to do that, but I couldn't upset her.I just... couldn't. Leah, you have to understand. The truth is... Emily- she's, well, she's-"
"Pregnant. I know," I grated out between my gritted teeth. His eyes snapped up to meet mine, and my heart recoiled in horror at what I saw there. I wanted to scream until my throat bled.
Don't you dare pity me, Samuel Levi Uley! Don't give me that 'poor Leah with her dead, empty uterus' look or I will gouge your eyes out with my bare fingers!
But damn me to the deepest level of hell if it wasn't pity written all over him. I swallowed once, hard, to keep myself from spewing out a string of the filthiest curses I knew at him, then scrambled to my feet and started walking swiftly away.
"Wait, Leah-"
I heard him, he knew I heard him, but there was no chance in hell I was going to turn back around. His large, hot hand on my wrist brought me to a sudden halt, and I swore viciously under my breath. I couldn't remember the last time Sam had touched me, and now this. Why now? I didn't want to stay there with him another second. I didn't want to see that awful, pitying look in his eyes.
"Let me go this second, Sam Uley, or I swear to every god in the universe that you will never father another child again." My voice dripped with venom, and I was proud of how calm and even it sounded. Unfortunately, the violent tremors rocking me definitely gave me away; I was seconds away from phasing, and there was no way I could hide that.
He didn't loosen his grip on my wrist at all. "Leah, listen to me. This isn't what I-"
"Just stop it, Sam. You've said it all before, and there's no reason to say it again. We are in the past, so just leave it there."
"But, Leah-"
Still shaking, I wrenched my wrist out of his hand harshly. The only emotion I felt was anger. Anger at Emily for putting the two of us in this awkward position, anger at myself for caring that she was living the life I should've had, and anger at the pity in Sam's eyes. I vibrated with the force of my fury, and he took a step back.
"I will smile and play my part and be a good bridesmaid for Emily. I won't ruin her perfect day. She'll be blissfully happy and think that all's right with the world, and that's all you really need to know, right?" I hissed through clenched teeth. "So let's just grow up and play nice, okay?"
The bastard actually had the audacity to look hurt. "I never wanted this, Leah. If I could change things, I would, I swear."
"Is that so?" I drawled sarcastically, one eyebrow raised. "Well, I wouldn't. Fate was right. We most definitely don't belong together, Sam. And I'm glad you imprinted. I'm glad I figured it out now instead of twenty or thirty years from now, after I'd wasted half my life over you."
He winced, and I should've felt guilty for being such a bitch, but I didn't. Not even the tiniest bit. I did, however, want to keep the peace between the Packs. And I wanted, for the first time in all the years since he'd imprinted on Emily, for things to just be peaceful between us. I had told him that it was all in the past, and dammit, I wanted it to stay there!
I pinched the bridge of my nose between my forefinger and thumb and sighed heavily. "Look, let's just forget this ever happened, okay? You're happy with Emily, and I'm... well, I'm happy enough just living my life without you. So let's just keep out of each other's way as much as possible."
"Sure. Yeah," Sam agreed after a long pause, but his eyes still held a mixture of sadness and longing and pity (damn him!). "If that- if it makes you happy."
"It does," I replied curtly, then turned to go. "I'm sure I'll see you around before the... before your wedding, so..."
He looked a little lost, standing there under the trees where I'd left him, as he raised a hand in a limp farewell. "Yeah... Goodbye, Leah."
I didn't bother to answer him. I'd said goodbye enough times to that man to fill my lifetime quota. I also, to my credit, resisted the urge to turn around and give him the one-fingered salute.
Light streamed across my lawn from my porch, but other than that, the house was dark when I quietly snuck through the front door. Dark, but not at all quiet. Why the hell did Wolf-boys snore so damn loud?
I could see Jacob's enormous frame sprawled out across my couch when I tip-toed past the living room, and I cursed silently when a floorboard creaked treacherously under my foot. He didn't so much as twitch, unless you counted an extra loud, rumbling snort, and the equally loud snores coming from Seth's bedroom didn't miss a beat, either. I breathed a sigh of relief and escaped up the stairs to my own room.
It was hard to ignore Embry's scent permeating my room. The crumpled up pairs of cut-offs in the corner wasn't helping, either. I didn't want to think about him. I didn't want to feel the hurt building up underneath my anger. And I really didn't want to think about the empty hole that had opened up in my chest the minute he'd run out of my house.
So he thought I couldn't get over Sam, did he? What the hell did he even know about it? I was over Sam. I was. And I'd prove it to him.
I yanked open my closet door and pulled out the gigantic, black garbage bag I'd been filling with all my old and ratty clothes. They were unceramoniously dumped onto the floor to make room for anything and everything that had any connection to Sam.
That red shirt that had always been his favorite? Gone. That shoebox filled with pictures of the two of us? Tossed. Yearbooks, old love-notes, the stuffed rabbit he'd won me out one of those stupid vending machines, and on and on and on. Good lord, how much shit had I been hanging on to all these years?
Satisfied at last that every trace of Sam was gone- nothing else could fit into the over-stuffed bag anymore, anyway- I whipped out my cell phone and called Rose.
"Hey, you busy?" I asked once her perfect, clear voice answered.
"Nothing that I couldn't do in the next hundred years or so. What's up?"
"Is that fireplace in your room just for decoration, or does it actually work?"
There was a momentary pause before she answered. "It works. Should I bother to ask why?"
"I've got some things I need to burn," I replied shortly. "Tonight, if you're fine with me using it."
"Well, I don't know. I need my beauty sleep..." she teased, then got serious when I didn't joke back. "Of course you can use it. Emmett and I will pick you up at the border in five minutes. Ten if you want s'more fixings."
Now I laughed. "Yeah, s'mores would be good. See you in ten."
I hung up and quickly changed into a comfy pair of pajama shorts and a cami tank before slinging the overly-full bag over my shoulder. With any luck, I'd be able to sneak out of the house again without waking up either of the boys...
"Where're you going now, Lee?" Jacob's voice boomed out of the dark living room as I tip-toed past. I squeaked and dropped the bag onto my foot.
"Ouch! Dammit, Black! I'm heading over to the Cullen's. Rose and Emmett are picking me up at the border," I snapped at him.
He suddenly loomed up in front of me, totally unfazed by my cranky attitude. "I'll walk to the border with you."
"I don't need you to babysit me!"
"I'm not babysitting you," he replied with a roll of his eyes. "I'm just trying to be nice. Friends don't let friends wander around alone, right?"
I sighed in exasperation. "I'm not going to stop you, am I?"
"Nope."
He flashed his trademark grin before hoisting up my bag and heading out the front door. There was nothing for it but to follow him through my backyard and into the trees. We walked silently side by side for several minutes before Jacob suddenly cleared his throat.
"So... Quil told us about Emily's visit."
Dammit. I knew the silence was too good to last. I could tell Jake was stealing cautious glances at me from the corner of his eyes as we trudged along, but I kept my own glare directed at the dirt. Past experience told me that I wasn't going to get him to shut up if he had something he thought he needed to say, so I didn't try. I sure as hell wasn't going to encourage him, though.
When it became painfully obvious I wasn't going to reply, Jake heaved a heavy sigh. "You didn't need to say yes to her, you know, Leah."
That made me snap my eyes up to glare hotly at him. He didn't even flinch.
"I mean it," he continued. "It's not like I don't appreciate how much it'll help keep things smooth between the Packs, but... Hell, Leah. I couldn't have done it with Bella. I would never have asked you to do this with Sam."
"I don't give a shit about Sam," I burst out in a mortifyingly scratchy voice. I told myself sternly that it was not the threat of tears making my eyes itch. Just because Jacob honestly cared- and not only that but understood- was no reason to turn into a blubbering idiot.
"I don't," I insisted stubbornly when Jake didn't say anything. "Despite what Embry Call thinks-" I hoped my angry tone would cover up the note of sadness- "I am not doing this for Sam. Or for some sick, pathetic fantasy that he'll leave Emily at the alter for me. I'm doing it for the Pack."
Jacob gave me a long, hard look, then nodded slowly. "Okay. If you're willing to do this, I won't stop you."
"Thanks, Oh Mighty Alpha. I'm so honored you let me make my own decisions," I replied with a sarcastic roll of my eyes. "'Never going to use the Alpha command' my grey, furry ass."
"If you guys weren't all such idiots, I wouldn't have to," he teased back, then grew serious. "Hey, go easy on Embry, okay? Just... let him cool down a little and talk it out with him."
I snorted angrily even as a knife of pain sliced through my chest. Jake sighed again and scrunched up his face like he was struggling to find the right words.
"Look, he just... he really cares about you, you know? Give him another chance."
We'd reached the border, and I could see the headlights from Emmett's Jeep heading towards us. I took the over-stuffed garbage bag from Jake and tried to shrug indifferently.
"Fine. Whatever. I'll talk to him tomorrow. Maybe," I mumbled. Jake grinned his thousand-watt smile at me, and I just knew the bastard saw right through my attempt at nonchalance. I scowled at him as he turned to leave, but it didn't affect his cheerful attitude in the slightest.
"Thanks," he called over his shoulder just before he disappeared into the trees, then paused and gave me another serious look. "And Leah, just because Emily got herself knocked up doesn't make her any better than you. Remember that."
A thick lump of tears lodged itself so quickly in my throat that I choked. Before I could get any words out, Jake had waved at me with that stupid grin on his face and melted away into the trees. Damn him for knowing me so well!
The jeep slid to a halt next to me, and I threw my bag into the backseat and climbed in next to it.
"Whoa. You weren't kidding about having some things to burn," Rose said, staring at the garbage bag with raised eyebrows. "Doing some spring cleaning or what?"
"Getting rid of a lot of shit I should've burned years ago," I replied as I pulled out a picture of Sam and I from the top of the bag and flashed it at her.
"Ah. I see. I'm surprised you didn't already do this with Embry, though."
"Dude, yeah. At one of your big Pack bonfire things! That would've been epic!" Emmett added, grinning broadly at me through the rearview mirror. I scowled at him, even though that was an interesting idea. Dump all this junk into the flames right in front of Sam? Tempting. Very tempting.
"Embry Call," I growled fiercely, "needs to get his ass severely kicked. By a person wearing a very pointy boot."
"Oh, dear. Sounds like somebody's having boy troubles," Rose sighed dramatically. I pouted and dropped my face into my hands.
"I wish I was gay. I really do," I muttered dejectedly to her. "Then I could just imprint on you and be done with it. Oh- but then you'd have to realize that you're gay, too."
"Oh, yeeeaaahhh. Mental image of the decade!" breathed Emmett in an awed sort of way. I kicked the back of his seat, and Rose shot him a dirty (but amused) look before turning to grin at me.
"I could go along with that... except, for whatever inexplicable reason, I think I'd miss my big, burly ape of a husband."
"No problem," Emmett spoke up enthusiastically. "You could be bi. I'm good with sharing."
Rose and I both swatted him on the back of his head in one fluid, synchronized movement that would've decapitated a normal human. He grumbled about it for a moment before glancing in the rearview mirror at me with a huge shit-eating grin on his face.
"I bet you I can get Edward to grab his little wifey-poo and run for their cottage for some of their sedate, missionary style nookie-time just by thinking about this."
I snorted. Edward the Prude? Ha. He'd probably give Emmett his constipated warthog 'I'm-so-offended!' look and tell him to clean up his thoughts or go elsewhere.
"I'll take that bet. A hundred bucks," I replied confidently as we pulled to a smooth halt in the Cullen's massive garage.
My bag in tow, Rose and I headed swiftly up to her room. The fire was already burning brightly, and Rose pulled the s'more fixings out of the grocery bag she was carrying and flopped down in front of it.
"Well? Aren't you going to get started?" she asked after I stood there staring at the flames for a few minutes. I scrunched up my face in thought.
"I dunno. It feels like I should say something dramatic. Mark the occasion or whatever."
"How about, 'Here's to Sam. Thank god the bastard didn't imprint on me'?"
A half-grin crept up my face, and I shrugged. "Works for me. So-" I held up a handful of photos- "here's to Sam."
I tossed them in, and we watched the fire swallow them up greedily. After that, Rose helped throw handful after handful into the flames. It felt good. Cathartic. And long overdue.
We'd gone through half the bag before Rose finally voiced the question I knew she'd been dying to ask since I'd called her that night.
"So... are you going to tell me what brought this on?"
I put a hot, gooey marshmallow between some chocolate and graham crackers before I answered her. "Emily came to see me today. She... she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids."
"That dirty bitch," Rose bit out harshly. "Let me guess, she went all hurt-and-innocent victim on you when you turned her down, right?"
"I told her I'd do it."
The stunned look on Rose's face was quite honestly comical. "You- what? Leah, what the hell kind of messed up thing to do was that? Why?"
I stared into the fire, mechanically feeding handfuls from the garbage bag into the flames. "Embry thinks I'm doing it because of Sam. Because I'm not over him, like I'm still clinging to some pathetic hope that Sam'll see me coming down the aisle and realize I'm the one he's been in love with the whole time. It's not like that at all. It's not Sam that I care about."
Rose was silent, just listening, and I was grateful for that. I just needed to explain it, say it out loud and have someone understand exactly how I felt.
"It's not the fact that it's Sam getting married that's hard for me. What's hard is watching someone else live the life I was going to have, if I had been normal. And I don't just mean a life with Sam. I mean that sort of life in general: being a bride, a wife, a mother." I paused again, and Rose reached out to take my hand. I took another, shuddering breath and squeezed out the words that hurt me the most. "Emily's pregnant. She's pregnant, and she expects me to be happy for her."
"Like rubbing acid into an open sore," Rose murmured. She gripped my hand, and both of us fell silent once again. I knew she understood. More than that; I knew she felt the depth of my pain, had felt it herself before, and she would not grudge me my tears.
The silence stretched on between us as the bag was slowly emptied of all it's broken memories. Together, we watched, unmoving, as the fire slowly died away into a few glowing embers in the darkest part of the night.
The stillness was abruptly broken by a sudden slamming of the front door, followed by peals of laughter from Emmett.
"You owe me a hundred bucks, Clearwater!"