Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin
Chapter Seven
Lancelot studied the young man for a moment before speaking. It was strange seeing Merlin with a bottle in his hand. He'd certainly seen Merlin drink before – they'd shared a hangover or two in the time they'd been friends. It didn't take much to make Merlin a happy drunk, extra friendly with everyone and somewhat prone to singing off-key. But sitting on the roof alone with a bottle? That wasn't Merlin.
"I wondered if I might find you up here." Merlin's back tensed when he heard Lancelot's voice. "I thought you might like a drink, but it seems you beat me to it." He took a couple of steps towards him. "Mind if I join you?"
Merlin nodded wordlessly at the spot next to him and Lancelot sat down.
Merlin had chosen a seat with a great view. They could see out over the courtyard, still lit up with the sparks settled on the shields.
"It's beautiful," Lancelot said. "Honestly, it looks like a work of art. And that sorceress certainly seemed impressed."
A small smile tugged at one side of Merlin's mouth. "It's the most complex magic I've ever successfully done. It was dangerous – I had to send bursts of magic through the courtyard to make the shields, and I had to do it without hurting anyone. I wouldn't have been able to get the final one in place if you hadn't pulled her away from Arthur for a moment." He paused for a moment and the smile faded. "It will break my heart to take it down."
"Is that why you've left it up?"
"Yes. It's not really practical to leave it – it makes it almost impossible to get into the castle from the gate. But no one is complaining yet, so I haven't felt too bad about it. I'll take it down tomorrow."
"It's a shame."
Merlin just took a long drink from the bottle in response. His eyes were still clear and he only had a slight slur, so he apparently hadn't had much to drink yet, to Lancelot's relief.
"I'm not sure it was the right move," Merlin admitted after a minute. "It took too long. Why didn't I just kill them? I've killed before. It would have been faster and simpler, and far less risky. What if the shields hadn't worked? Not to mention the fact that there are four people who want Arthur dead still wandering around out there. They could come back."
"They could," Lancelot agreed. "But it may be for the best that the first time Arthur saw Emrys's magic, it wasn't an act of violence. Besides, I don't think 'faster and simpler' are ever good reasons to opt for killing over other choices."
Merlin frowned. "The delay nearly cost Arthur his life. Every time I see that cut on his neck…" Merlin shuddered. "If you hadn't been there—"
"But I was there, and everything turned out fine."
"Yeah. It turned out fine." Merlin's lips twisted into a bitter smile. "I saved Arthur's life yet again. And he finally saw it – for the first time, he saw my magic save the day. Saw proof that magic can be used for good. And how did he respond? By declaring that I'm as much of a threat to Camelot as they were."
"Merlin—"
"I heard what you said to her about me," Merlin cut him off, changing the subject abruptly. "That was quite a speech."
"Another two minutes and I would have taken back every word," Lancelot said dryly, relieved to see Merlin crack a smile at the joke. "Thank you, by the way. For what you said to Arthur earlier. You didn't have to speak up, but I appreciate that you did."
Merlin shook his head. "I should have said more. It's not right for you to take the blame on this. I should have told him the truth."
"No," Lancelot disagreed. "Not today, you shouldn't have. Your temper and Arthur's were both running too hot. Arthur wouldn't have responded well."
"Maybe I don't give a damn how Arthur responds," Merlin muttered, taking another sizeable swig.
"Is that why you're drinking alone on the roof? Because of how much you don't care?"
Merlin chuckled, toasting the bottle toward Lancelot in concession of the point.
"What you said," Lancelot began cautiously. "About Emrys's life having value because he keeps Arthur alive?" He waited until Merlin glanced at him in acknowledgment. "Did you mean that? Do you really believe your life only has value because you protect Arthur?"
Merlin didn't answer right away. When he did, he spoke to the bottle. "Do you remember that book I was looking at, doing research for Arthur? Cadwaladr's Bestiary?"
Lancelot vaguely remember Gaius saying something about it, so he nodded.
"It's a well-known book. Somewhat famous, really. One particularly famous part of it, as it turns out, is its definition of monsters. It has a list of criteria. The first one being that a monster is a creature of magic."
"Merlin, if you're about to tell me that you're a monster, that's ridiculous." But Lancelot could tell by the look on Merlin's face that his friend was entirely serious.
"I meet every single requirement, Lancelot. I was created by magic. I have magical powers I can use to harm others. I can kill without weapons. There's a limited number of me in existence. The list goes on. I am quite literally a monster."
"According to one man. Who says he gets to decide?" The very concept of Merlin as a monster was so absurd that Lancelot was a bit at a loss of how to refute it. "Besides, there are plenty of ways to kill without weapons. That's a ridiculous piece of criteria."
"For two hundred years, people in general seem to have agreed with him."
Lancelot sighed. "Cadwaladr clearly didn't see you coming. And anyone who agrees with his definition obviously doesn't know you. Because you're not a monster."
"Arthur would probably agree with him. He believes magic inevitably corrupts anyone who has it."
"Arthur doesn't know you have it," Lancelot pointed out, but Merlin just shrugged.
"Maybe he's right. I've always assumed that people with magic could be good, just because I have magic. But what if he's right and I'm wrong about that? I've killed people and felt no remorse. I would kill again to protect him. Maybe magic is slowing corrupting me, and in a few years I'll just be a creature of rage and vengeance. Like Morgana, only infinitely worse because I am infinitely more powerful." Merlin's speech was growing more slurred, his eyes starting to turn glassy.
"Merlin, you have two things that Morgana does not have," Lancelot reassured him. "You must remember that."
Merlin looked at him curiously, although he wobbled somewhat when he turned his head.
"You have a purpose for your magic. Something to keep you focused and grounded. Because no matter what nonsense Arven might have said, you do not use your magic to serve yourself. And second, you have a destiny. Prophecies have already foretold the great things you will do."
Merlin didn't look convinced, but Lancelot thought he saw a slight spark of hope in his eyes.
"You are Emrys," he told his friend, and he couldn't keep himself from smiling at the words. "That is the name that destiny chose for you long ago. As Emrys, you have a path that you are destined to walk. But you are also Merlin. That's the name that your mother – a lovely and human lady," he said, nudging Merlin and finally getting a smile in return, "that's the name that she gave you. And as Merlin, you choose your own path. So tell me, my friend – which one are you?"
Lancelot was afraid for a moment that he had gone too philosophical, that Merlin wouldn't be able to keep up in his drunken state. But Merlin's eyes cleared, and for a moment he seemed completely sober.
"I am both," he said. "I have a destiny. And I choose to accept it." He took a deep breath and shook his head, taking another swig. "I worry sometimes that destiny picked the wrong person. I have no idea what I'm doing, Lancelot."
"Except destiny didn't pick you, did it? You weren't merely chosen, Merlin. You were created for this."
Merlin sighed, and for a few minutes the two sat in thoughtful silence.
"I have to tell Arthur, don't I? I've put you in a terrible position. I have to fix it."
Lancelot smiled pityingly at him. "You do have to tell him, but not for my sake. Tell him when you are ready. In the meantime, I gave you my word that I would keep your secret, and I will."
Merlin considered for a moment before nodding. "I'm not ready," he admitted. "Not after what he said today. But if it looks like he's going to go anything other than yell – if he starts threatening to punish you somehow – I'll have to find a way to be ready. I will not allow you to pay the price for my secret." He scowled suddenly and took another drink, only to glare at the bottle when he discovered it was empty. "I can't believe the things he said about me. Ungrateful prat."
"It wasn't his finest moment," Lancelot agreed reluctantly, "but Arthur is used to being in control. Having something this far outside of his control is difficult for him. He's scared, Merlin."
"So am I," Merlin muttered.
"Try to understand his side," Lancelot urged him gently. Merlin considered this for a moment.
"I could turn him into a toad."
Lancelot laughed until he saw that Merlin looked thoughtful.
"Merlin! You cannot turn the king into a toad!"
"I would turn him back," Merlin protested petulantly. Then he muttered under his breath, "I bet Gwaine would let me turn him into a toad."
"One of many reasons you should never, under any circumstances, drink with Gwaine," Lancelot said with complete seriousness. "Okay, I think that's the signal that we're done for tonight. Let's get you home."