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01/23/22 EDIT: Thanks to KumaZura for proofreading this chapter.

Chapter 4

Seeking inner peace, desperately

Sanji opened his eyes and winced, stretching slowly. He didn't need to move to know it was time for him to get up, his internal clock never failing him. He wriggled free without a sound from his bunk while all his companions were still asleep like babies. Then he headed for the bathroom like an automaton and dived directly into the shower. A cold shower preferably. To wake him up and to banish from his head the memories still too present of the day before.

The cook relaxed his body under the cool water and increased the temperature to unwind his muscles. He wasn't used to the kind of exercise he had done with the swordsman but it was the lesser evil in the end.

He shivered a little. He was still savoring his victory but he was also surprised he had gotten so much physical pleasure. Of course, they hadn't spoken about it again and the next day had been the most normal in the world. Even the side glances of his rival had stopped. No doubt the fencer was brooding over his defeat, to the delight of the blond.

The island where they had disembarked the day before had been totally devastated by a pirates' looting shortly before. The inhabitants had nothing to sell or even to give them anymore in view of the terror that each crew with the black flag inspired in them. So, they had left empty-handed as soon as the Log-Pose had finished reloading, which hadn't taken more than a few hours.

On this occasion, Zoro and he had even managed to trade a few blows before Nami intervened and the cook had welcomed with relief this common fight. Everything was going back to normal.

His body a little less painful thanks to the hot water, Sanji also resolved to relax his mind. He had answered to the swordsman's challenge and now that he had shut him up, he had no reason to worry. He was going to be able to move on.

The next land was a several days crossing and he should pay attention to their reserves since they couldn't resupply the day before. This implied that he probably would have to reduce the rations before they arrived and he was already imagining the captain's cries of distress when he found out…

He was suddenly pulled from his thoughts by an intruder who literally broke into his shower. Astounded, the blond noted that Zoro didn't even have good taste enough to ask him his opinion while he was already devouring his neck. "What the hell are you doing, marimo head?!" He choked, pushing him away.

"Can't you tell by yourself?" The fencer grumbled, jaded.

"But… anyone could come in! And it's my shower! I didn't think that-"

"That what? They're sleeping."

The cook put a wet hand through his hair, confused. "That's right, how come you don't sleep?"

"I saw you get up."

"And that gave you the idea to join me naked here?!"

"Yeah," The swordsman just said. Sanji swallowed hard. He was so sure a minute before that he could calmly move on and now…

He sharply turned the water off and pushed the swordsman to get out of the shower cubicle. He grabbed a towel and tied it around his hips while Zoro came out of the shower in turn. As the fencer didn't seem to want to dry himself, Sanji threw him another towel before planting himself in front of him. "We need to be on the same page."

"About what?" The other asked.

"But… about all of that!"

"Isn't that what we did the last time?"

"We didn't really talk," The cook grinded.

"Oh, yeah," The swordsman remembered, shrugging, "Well, it was clear anyway, right?"

"I'm not sure we understood exactly the same thing!" The blond got annoyed.

"There isn't that much to say!" The swordsman got impatient. "We're here because I like this activity more than expected and you've discovered yourself a new passion for muscular bodies, period. Do you see anything else?"

Sanji stared at him, petrified. Was this challenge just the start of some good romps between two rivals according to him?

"What? Do I have to provoke you constantly for you to remember you liked it?" The fencer got annoyed. "Are you that uptight?"

The cook blushed before furiously clenching his fists. "Dammit, are you aware of what we did or is your brain more crushed than a mashed broccoli?! We did a draw on that one and now we're gonna get over it!"

Zoro shook his head before fixing his dark gaze on his eyes. "You really believe what you're saying? We wanted to do it, you craved it."

"I wanted to take my revenge, that's all!"

The swordsman sighed. If he had agreed not to keep him under the last time, it was because he had felt that the blond's pride wouldn't stand it. They both needed to feel that they were controlling the other and with that effort, he had thought that Sanji would realize he had done his part to please him. But apparently, his denial was the strongest.

"We are adults, cook, you have to take responsibility. Don't you think this challenge is a perfect excuse for your little conscience?"

"Stop that, you're talking crazy! I know very well what I'm doing!"

"Then you should start asking yourself questions because for a simple role, you had a fucking good time!"

At these words, Sanji felt himself cornered in the narrow space of the bathroom in front of the swordsman and his emotions went wild. "And you want me to take responsibility for what, you bastard?! Do you want me to say that I like to get screwed by a guy I hate?! I can't do that, dammit!"

Zoro smirked. "But that's what you did."

"That's not what happened!"

"You got caught up in the excitement."

"No! No…" The blond refused to think more about it. His thoughts swirled like a hurricane in his head. He wasn't attracted to a man. He wasn't attracted to Zoro. He couldn't. It wasn't like him. He had never fantasized about his body or someone else's. Never!

"That's what I thought," Zoro suddenly said, "You may have a big mouth but in reality, you have no guts."

Sanji came out of his thoughts and stared at him, exasperated. "Are you going to make me believe you're okay with what we did? That you find it logical and the most natural thing in the world?!"

"Unlike you, I accept challenges regardless of their nature."

"That's bullshit!" The cook turned away but this time, Zoro grabbed his shoulder and brutally turned him, facing him. "If you didn't enjoy it, I'd have understood but you back down because you feel a desire for a man and it's pathetic. And it's not like you."

The blond got free of his grip before glaring at him, perfectly furious. "It has nothing to do with that, you moron! It's just that it's you! I'm so used to wanting to punch you that I don't see how I could want anything else!"

"We can fuck and hate each other. It's not incompatible."

"Yes, it is, idiot! And stop trying to find arguments! Why don't you want it to be like before?!"

"'Cause it ain't possible."

"Why?!"

"Because we slept together," The swordsman calmly said as the cook winced, "Whatever you do, you can't erase what happened."

"Why not?" The blond suddenly tried with hope. "We could act as if…"

"You can," The fencer agreed, "You can become a coward and run away from what you feel, it's your choice."

"A coward? Don't you think you're exaggerating? And for the record, I feel nothing at all!"

"Really? A guy who prefers trying to forget what he did because he doesn't have the courage to look at things differently, what is it called?"

Sanji opened his mouth before closing it, silenced. Really, he hated when the marimo head was so quick on the draw. Finally, he leaned against the wall that froze his still wet skin. "I'm not a coward but it's beyond me," He then admitted with a sigh, "My head's about to explode thinking about it…"

"Then stop thinking."

"But I can't!"

"Suit yourself." Zoro collected his things and walked past him in a flash. The blond watched the door close behind him, surprised. He had been about to prolong his reflection, to share it with the swordsman but he had disappeared, leaving his head filled with questions.

For two days, Sanji focused on his preparations to better forget the disturbing words of the marimo head. This morning, he had made short shrift of the breakfast and was already working on lunch when it was barely ten o'clock. Luffy's snacks were ready, the cocktails for his princesses too.

When he made the final touch to his dessert an hour later, he considered starting dinner before pulling himself together. He wasn't going to cook 24 hours a day for the rest of his life to escape a few ridiculous sentences…

He rinsed his pans absent-mindedly while trying to put some order in his thoughts but it was a lost cause. He was on pins and needles since their last conversation and the confidence he had felt after his victory had crumbled as quickly as a sand castle nibbled by the tide.

In spite of himself, the arguments of the swordsman were creeping into his head and made him doubt his own attitude. He had tried to reject them but if they returned so often to disturb him, so much it prevented him from resting, it was because they strangely resonated in him. Irreconcilable words circulated in a loop in his head.

Zoro. Pleasure. Man. Hatred. Desire.

"Sanji-kun!"

The cook jumped, his cheeks red. "N-Nami-san, what can I do for you?" He immediately asked. "You were completely elsewhere, my poor Sanji," She pointed out, shaking her head. "I noticed that the aquarium isn't full and I wanted to know if we should ask Luffy and Usopp to fish."

"Yes, that would be good. Better to stock up on that…"

"We'll run out of meat soon?" The navigator understood.

The blond nodded. "Don't tell Luffy, I'll do my best so he doesn't realize it until the last moment." Nami agreed with a sigh before leaving his friend to his preparations. She was aware that the time would come too quickly for their captain to find that there wouldn't be enough meat until the next call.

The lunch took place in a monstrous brouhaha and the whirling thoughts of the crew's cook increased. Luffy and Brook were screaming with laughter after the captain showed him his chopstick technique in his nose, Chopper sniffled loudly as someone had stolen his share of dessert, Franky and Usopp were building small towers with bits of bread while bawling and Nami and Robin conversed happily. Only the marimo remained silent and Sanji could have thanked the swordsman for not increasing his headache if it wasn't him. On the contrary, the fact that he was the only one to behave quietly annoyed him to the highest point.

"Get that stupid look off your face, greenie! I'm tired of seeing you make faces like that at every meal!"

"Not my fault if your food is disgusting, shitty cook!" The fencer sneakily pointed out.

"Dammit, this time you're gonna meet your fellows in the ocean!" The cook fumed as he got ready to kick him.

Zoro was already holding his swords and he threw himself on the blond who narrowly escaped his attack before throwing his foot in his chest. The swordsman dodged him by a hair before spinning and relaunching his swords on either side of the cook who chose to bend down to avoid the blades.

"Always fighting, they ruin all our quiet moments," Nami said, getting annoyed and dragging Robin out of the room to stop hearing them.

The other members of the crew quickly imitated them with the end of the meal and the two rivals were soon alone without realizing it, continuously exchanging blows.

A few minutes later, Brook crossed the doorstep again in search of his bow and he found that the quarrel hadn't ended. He observed the two best enemies of the Sunny before clearing his throat. "Forgive me, dear friends. Would you like to relax? As you know, music calms you down!"

Sanji and Zoro turned towards him before glaring at each other again, winded. "It's a tie, cook."

"Go to rest, marimo. I know you're not used to moving so much between your naps."

The swordsman grumbled before going away and the musician walked in front of the blond. "Oh, Brook. That's nice of you but you shouldn't go through all this trouble for this stupid musclehead, he'll fall asleep on his own in a minute."

"Actually, I'm thinking you especially looked stressed," The skeleton replied with empathy. "Really?" The cook sighed. Of course he was nervous. He couldn't think normally for days but he thought he had handled his bad mood more discreetly. At this level, his little fight with Zoro had at least allowed him to let off steam. "It's true that I've been a little overworked lately," He said, "Do you have anything to make me forget morons with cactus heads in your repertoire?"

Brook started to think for a moment. "If you need to sleep, I can play my lullaby," He suggested. "No point going that far, I still have a lot of work," The blond showed him, pointing at the piled up dirty plates. "Okay. I know a ballad that sailors appreciate for its softness. It speaks of the joy of living for the moment in the midst of tormented lives!"

"Why not," The cook agreed, shrugging.

The musician started the first notes and Sanji cleared the table, letting himself be carried away by the slow and deep tempo of the violin. He concentrated on the song and tried to forget his agitation. The rhythm was engaging and the music pleasantly enveloped him.

He began the dishes with enthusiasm and the cleaned plates, glasses and cutlery began stacking up winded at a good pace. Wash, rinse, dry. Nothing easier to understand and apply. No need to think or ask questions. It was peace of mind.

Satisfied, he then addressed a dish where the food had stuck. The stain was hard to clean and the cook frowned. He grabbed the scraper and put more force into it. This stain wasn't going to remain embedded in his dish, it wasn't going to do like the marimo and spoil his life!

Sanji slowly put down his sponge, sighing. He had managed to get the job done but his thoughts were resuming their marathon in his brain. The song ended and the blond thanked his friend then freed him. He finished his dishes and made sure there was coffee for Robin in the afternoon.

Then he decided to sit down at the table to think calmly. He had been avoiding going further into his thoughts for too long and he was beginning to become crazy. Indeed, it wasn't like him not to take responsibility for his actions and he felt ridiculous to flee such a situation in his own head.

He placed a cigarette between his lips to help himself. After all, it was just words, he wasn't going to collapse from so little. So… He had slept with Zoro. This simple sentence sounded terribly wrong but he had to stick to the facts. The fencer had suggested that it wasn't just a desire for revenge and the blond himself had been the first to notice that the reason he had given himself to start again wasn't the most appropriate so he had to dig at that angle.

So… He had slept with Zoro – twice – and he hadn't hated it. If he had to be honest, he had loved it.

So… If he followed the logic, he had slept with Zoro and he had appreciated it then… he wanted to do it again? Just for the fun of this act and not for answering a challenge?

His stomach painfully contracted at this idea. No, he didn't want it. Because it was Zoro. Because he was a man. Because he had acted to protect his pride.

So… He had slept with Zoro, he had enjoyed it but he didn't want to start again? Another unpleasant sensation twisted his stomach and the blond sighed. He didn't like the idea of doing it again but he didn't like the idea of putting an end to it either. Why? Because the possibility of coming out on top against the swordsman in this way was intoxicating. Because the pleasure he had had wasn't negligible.

Sanji shook his head, desperate. He had slept with Zoro, he had enjoyed it but he didn't know what he wanted! Because it was Zoro. Because he was him. Because their relationship was out of control from the beginning.

The cook got up and headed for the deck, more lost than ever. Yet he needed to know what he really wanted to regain his serenity and be in tune with himself. He needed an answer, whatever it was. It was about his mental health and his most deeply rooted principles.

He went down the little stair and instinctively looked up at the crow's nest. If he wanted to make the right decision, it was imperative to take stock of his feelings beyond the series of events that wasn't going to lead him anywhere. But he was unable to do that at the moment. His thoughts assaulted him and confused him, he couldn't calm down to objectively think about it.

However, if there was one thing he didn't want to go back on, it was his honor to remain honest with others and himself in all circumstances. His pride just didn't allow him to do anything else. Sanji intensely breathed in and took advantage of the sea air to concentrate.

The afternoon snack was over, Luffy had come to claim his share and Sanji had taken the opportunity to bring a little sweetmeat to the other members of the crew. Back in his kitchen, he was going around in circles. His mind was enraging him, he was getting nowhere and he was seriously getting fed up with it.

He noticed a bottle that the marimo hadn't come to pick up and he decided to take it up since he hadn't brought anything to him. At the same time, he could always try to mess with him in order to be able to kick him and relax a little…

The cook discovered the fencer in full meditation. As motionless as a statue, his eyes closed, he didn't move as Sanji approached and the blond soon lost hope of getting into a fight. Zoro's relaxed, serene features contrasted with his own inner struggle and he sighed deeply.

"You make a gloomy face, cook."

Sanji fixed his gaze on his now wide-open eyes and shrugged wearily. He then threw his bottle at him and the swordsman caught it as it flew past. The blond remained a few seconds to contemplate him without seeing him. He was feeling feverish, lost and terribly weakened. He didn't even know what was going on in his own head and he was overcome with despair at the thought of never seeing the end of it.

"How can I know what I want?" He brutally asked the swordsman. "It pisses me off to admit it but I can't calmly think on the problem to make the best decision…"

Zoro stopped drinking. He stared at him for a second and Sanji thought he was going to laugh in his face. Besides, that's probably what he would have done in his place. "Have you tried relaxation?"

"Are you kidding me?" The cook said, annoyed. "Of course I tried to relax and empty my mind but it didn't work!"

"Relaxation of the senses is a simple practice of meditation."

"Of the senses? What do you mean?"

"You focus on what you feel and you use it to relax your body that will calm your mind."

As the blond didn't reply, the fencer pointed out to sit on the floor facing him and Sanji complied. Calling upon Zoro didn't really please him but he was doing it to get to the bottom of this and make a choice that would satisfy both his conscience and his principles so he wouldn't back down. He was tired of feeling his guts making him feel guilty whether it was at the prospect of testing out this new game with the swordsman or at the thought of refusing it. And above all, he couldn't stand anymore being caught in such a whirlwind of thoughts since everything had changed between them. He needed to find peace of mind.

"Close your eyes."

"What? Why?"

Zoro closed his eyes and sighed. "Are you gonna rebel against everything I'm gonna say? You asked me a question, remember."

"I get it. I was just a little surprised, that's all," The blond mumbled as he was closing his eyes, uncomfortable.

"Take a deep breath. Concentrate on your body only…" The instruction was weird but Sanji tried to apply it. He focused on his legs, his hands, his arms. He didn't know how to do it or how long to spend so he tried to think about all parts of his body. Maybe if he focused on his entire body at the same time, he would get more results?

"Stop thinking," The swordsman ordered him, "You have to get rid of your thoughts if you wanna find your answer."

"And how can I get an answer if I don't think?" The blond retorted, irritated that Zoro had figured him out.

"You won't have an answer if you don't use your body."

"Huh?"

"Jeez, relax. Unwind your muscles. One place at a time."

The cook pouted but focused on his right hand. His most precious tool. His legs were at the origin of his strength but he cherished his hands much more because they allowed him to practice his art. The smooth movement of the wrist when he beat the eggs whites, firm when it was necessary to soften the meat, precise when he cut his vegetables. From his agile fingers to the power of his arm, everything converged on the right balance, the one that made his dish unique and incomparable.

Sanji was brutally pulled out of his thoughts when he heard a thud coming from the fall of one of his companions on deck. Surprised, he opened his eyes but Zoro's voice immediately brought him back to his exercise. "Forget your environment, you have to focus on your inner world." Sanji stared at him. The swordsman hadn't even opened his eyes and yet he had known that the cook was no longer focused. He closed his eyes again, trying to model his breathing on the one of his crewmate, broad and deep. A calm aura surrounded the fencer and he took the opportunity to lull into it until he gradually relaxed.

"Focus only on the sensations of your body. Listen to it. Feel it." Obeying the suave voice of the swordsman, Sanji let his mind lean towards his perceptions. Over the next few minutes, he became fully aware of his own body, from the dry tip of his toes to the sensitive pad of his fingers through his belly that swelled with each of his breaths.

He ordered his muscles to relax one by one, starting with his left foot, then his right foot, his calves, his thighs and moving back up to the roots of his hair. Having reached the end, he noticed that he surprisingly felt serene. The bubbling that had been agitating him for days had flown back in the face of the calm intensity imposed on him by his own breaths.

Sanji felt he was mentally relaxing. A tension that he wasn't aware of containing flowed, letting all his senses spread to gather any information present in him and around him. He felt good. He felt totally connected with himself.

Then a hand rested gently on his arm, pulling him out of his torpor. "I… I haven't got my answer yet, marimo," He grumbled at the troublemaker, fluttering his eyes. "You'll get it but before that, you need to feed Luffy." Sanji cocked an ear and actually noticed that his captain was howling at the moon while searching for his cook. He had really focused if he hadn't even heard him!

He sighed and got up before leaving the crow's nest. His sense of well-being was already fading and he mentally threatened Luffy with painful retaliation if he didn't manage to get rid of his dilemma quickly because of the interruption.

After the evening meal, Sanji had quickly done the dishes, being in a hurry to find a quiet environment to continue his thoughts. When he got back to his bunk, his companions were already asleep around him. Only Zoro's bed was empty.

The cook slipped into the sheets and closed his eyes. He struggled for a few minutes to find the feeling again, trying to remember the instructions of the swordsman and he quickly regained his previous state. He soon recognized the kind of protective shield and salvific distance, characteristics of this feeling that isolated him from the outside world. His thoughts flowed quietly around him, rustling without making him deaf with their cacophony.

He allowed himself to be enveloped by the one that preoccupied him while keeping his precious distance so as not to relapse in an agitated state. Zoro had told him that the answer would come from his body. Perhaps by the appeasement he was giving him at the moment?

What did his body reply to this disturbing idea? At the thought of being carried away by the madness of his senses with another man? At the idea that it was a being he hated so easily? That he loved to hate.

A soft heat came over him. The one of need and desire but also the one which warmed the soul, which made all bodies aspire to touch one another, to feel important, to exist.

It was the call of a touch, a caress, a light touch on his skin that intensified. It was a fire that burned the oxygen of reason until his being was completely consumed by the inferno of the senses. It was the desire for a hand-to-hand fight.

Sanji quickly realized that this wasn't about the body of a man or a woman. It was just the call of a human being who was holding on to another one in the hope of sharing his warmth.

Nevertheless, he knew he still loved women's bodies, their curves and their softness. It was a part of him. But he was also discovering the ones of men, powerful and rough under his fingers, so different but equally attractive in their own way. The appeal of curiosity to this new sensibility was present in him, fueling his desire and his need.

And finally, Zoro. A human being who knew him more than he wanted to admit. A body that could return his own violence and his buried desires. A man who had the knack of inspiring totally paradoxical emotions in him and who challenged him by his mere existence. Then a sweet drunkenness of uncertainty and provocation at the idea that a rival was at the origin of so many contradictory feelings overwhelmed him.

The blond gently opened his eyes, his breath slow and deep. He glanced at the empty swordsman's bunk while around them, calm was prevailing. The roaring tide in him was fading away. It was present, it existed, but it no longer suffocated him to the point of preventing him from thinking.

Sanji took a deep breath, almost troubled by what he had just experienced and which had come from his own person.

He released his breath.

Maybe.

Maybe they could both fuck and hate each other.

Maybe it wasn't so incompatible.

Maybe…

I hope this chapter had convinced you about Sanji's reasoning.

Zoro's point of view is coming!