"I can't find you
I wouldn't even know where to look
Said you'd meet me back here, someday
Things change
Was it all in my mind?
Was I lost in my own head?
Worrying about something I regret?
Is there anything I don't regret?
No, it's not just the memory of you
But it's all that comes with you
As the images start to stutter and skip
Disintegrating into sparks that glitch
There's a daemon in the server
And histories we cannot erase
You're so close and so far away
You're so close now." -Fuel on the fire by Bear's den.
Chapter 9: Not everything as it seems, Kid
I sat at my desk staring down at the note; part of me still couldn't believe that someone like Jon could do this. However there was too much that can also say he could, Jon disliked the way Grandpa raised me. He was proud when I agreed with those notions at the time. He also kept me away from certain paperwork Grandpa sent my way, he had shuffled out papers from my sight handful of times. I had caught him doing this multiple times and he usually excused it as 'the master accidentally put these in.' before taking them away before I could even see a single word. When Grandpa talked to me about the paperwork in the past, he always showed concern before he gazed over Jon. Jon never reacted. Did he expect me to question something at the time, something I should've known?
When Jon started working for Grandpa, he had become a more serious worker. His attitude towards the others was different when he was not with either of us, when discussing with the staff and Hikori if they had seen any odd behaviour from Jon. The strangest was how he acted around me and Grandpa; Jon was usually seen as mysterious and glum by the ladies. The men staff found him the quiet type. It was quite a shock to come to hear this, seeing as Jon had been open towards me and Grandpa or had that been all an act, to get close to us? The note alone had shown some personal hate. I tried digging for more information but nothing really new came up.
"His family has always served the Honyaku's."
"His father was very close friends with your Grandpa."
"Jon has never spoken bad about you, Tyler."
"Jon was raised with your father, they had been childhood friends."
"His father always brought Jon to play with Sousuke when they were growing up."
"Your father is very close with Jon, they were brought up together."– I stopped at that to think, my adoptive father, Sousuke hadn't cried at the funeral nor did he express any emotion. The man was usually an emotional person, for him to show nothing meant two things. He either didn't have a close relationship to Grandpa as I thought he had or his death completely wrecked him. I had a feeling it was do with the first, though it was merely a theory. The memory of all the coldest Christmas I have experienced, the only laughter I had ever heard was between the couple. The thoughtless gifts, the way Grandpa always chided Sousuke for never being there. The distance between them might've been invisible to the unknowing eye. Yet with Jon, Sousuke seems his happiest, the two always seem to glow the best with each other.
Some tiny part of me regrettably believes they had been behind this. That Grandpa knew and he didn't want me to hurt by it and did everything to make it seem like nothing was really going on. I felt the wet drops before I knew I was crying upon the note and my hands. All this time, I thought Jon was my brother, my anchor but he was the one to chain me to rock and sent me to the ocean deep to drown. I trusted him, and believed he would always be there for us. I was gullible, an idiot. I crunched the note but had no heart to throw it away. Still, a small part of me clings with the hope that he hadn't really been all behind this. That merely it has been lucky timing on his part, just maybe, just maybe he hadn't betrayed me.
I sighed. This is the life of a rich kid, never knowing who's going to stab you in the back.
If I had to say one thing, if you think being reborn in the world of Ouran, to be born or adopted into the rich lifestyle was to be a life of luxury, you might as well have read too many good stories. I had. Because reality wasn't like that, people weren't like that; it's a world in which we all are going to get hurt at some point. I've been burnt, I thought because I was in some kind of cutesy world of Ouran I would be safe. How stupid could I be? Reality wasn't nice, reality doesn't just give you a better life nor does it predict anything that can be. It merely will be.
I couldn't help chuckle at that. "Que sera, sera, right Grandpa?" I clean around my eyes with the sleeve of my jumper. I pull out my phone, debating if I should say anything to Sousuke, if I should leave a text saying I know. I sigh as I glared at his name before putting it back into my pocket. I had no evidence beside the flimsy note and that alone wasn't enough to excuse Jon of anything, let alone his own association in this. I still had small doubts that they weren't the villains in my life's story. Maybe one day, I will have a better understanding of what they stand for. Through this note, they had broken the string that was our relationship, it was barely functioning before and this just snapped it.
I neither could say a thing nor get out of this now. I am a Honyaku whether I liked it or not.
The next day, I decided to retry looking through the office, just to at least tidy it up for a day when I am truly ready to organise it. I had some of the staff help me clean up; one cleared up the fireplace and another helping pick up papers across the floor and file them away. Quinn and Rose were a pair of sweet ladies, they are cousins who have been with the Honyaku's for generations, they are usually the two who help me when I used to want to make cookies for Grandpa.
While they were doing that, I sat in Grandpa's office chair shuffling through his desk drawers sorting out the letters that sat in them. One of the drawers, surprisingly, had love letters from both Grandpa and Grandma who had passed away before I joined the household. I couldn't bear reading them but I also didn't want to throw them out that I ended up keeping them in that exact draw. Maybe when I need advice, I might reference these. Maybe. Who was I kidding? I am lucky if someone likes me romantically.
Though, I won't concern myself with that until I'm an adult. I continue looking through the other draws, organising the different letters from personal and business related, in which Quinn and Rose were filing away once she was done with their other jobs. And then I came across a letter, addressed to me in Grandpa writing. I stopped to flip it over, to see if anything was out of place before opening it.
Dear Tyler,
If you're reading this, I can only assume I have passed away.
Two sets of eyes dung into my person as I quickly scramble the letter into my inner pocket. I went back to sorting out the last draw of letters without letting them know that I had noticed their gaze. I giving them eye contact would mean I acknowledge their keen sight on the letter; I bit the inner part of my lip. In a sense, I was testing their loyalty. If they report the letter, eventually it will come back to me from someone else.
The only person I could trust was Hikori. He himself had been speechless at the note; he could even confirm it as Jon handwriting. Just at the confirmation with himself at what he saw, he clutched me in his arms. He knew how close Jon and I had been, knowing how much this would leave tears in an already wounded heart. He kept me close, stroked my hair. I didn't cry, at the time I barely had any, I instead clung to his clothes and stayed within his embrace.
Once the last letter was put away, I sent the girls to have their break, shooing them away from me. I wanted to breathe away from watching eyes. I sat in that chair, clinging against the padding and breathing in the scent that was Grandpa. It brought another wave of longing and wet cheeks; the room was everything that was Grandpa for me. His love for wooden burgundy furniture and the walls couldn't be seen as every corner was filled with books, letters and notes. A small fireplace sat near his desk, rarely was it ever used beside decoration, it only got used on the coldest days in winter.
I could see him, looking out the window with his cane in hand as he watched the passing of the clouds. A moment where he'll look sadly upon the roses in the garden, his hand used the cane more as a clutch then something to lean onto. His eyes would brighten when he heard me push the door a little too hard when trying to spy on the thoughtful man, he called me in. Then he was gone, nothing but the window pouring sunlight on my trodden face.
I pull myself from my position on his chair to the window in a slow, limping walk. I left my clutch behind, as I eyed the item from my memory. Against the window, sat the cane I knew so well. I pick it up once within reach, touching the smooth wood between my fingers. The top was where the art really stood, a craving of a crows head with small green gems for eyes. The cane was always much too short for Grandpa; he never used it besides having it against the window where every so often he holds it close. I always theorise that this was Grandma's.
Sadly, it is still too tall for me to use and I do not have the heart to have it cut to size. I leant it back in place, inspired by it. It'll be a long time until my leg gets close to being almost normal, the clutch was too obvious to be used once I entered back to school. I call Hikori to discuss my thoughts. He highly agrees with my plan happily as he helped me down for dinner.
Eventually, I was able to hide within my room alone with some comfy pyjamas and the letter within my hand as I got myself buried in my covers and plush against the pillows. I slowly reopened the letter as the first line in Grandpa Handwriting bore before me. The letter had felt almost dream-like between my fingers. I finally let the paper unrevealed itself as I lap up the words like water.
Dear Tyler,
If you're reading this, I can only assume I have passed away.
I have left this between my letters with hope that you would hopefully come across this, yourself. I hope it has not crossed any other hands beside me and you, Tyler. I hope, whatever has caused my ending has not put you in harm's way. If it has, I'm sorry, truly I am.
These past few years with you as my Grandson, no, Granddaughter has been ones that have been blessed. I might've never been a good parental figure; I've never had a talent for that sort of skill. My wife Ella, Your Grandma, would've been much better at raising you then I. However as we said many times between us, what will be, will be. As such, I was the one to watch you grow, even only for a tiny time within your life and mine has been times I will treasure. I hope you will too.
I further wish that someday, you have good relations with your adoptive father Sousuke. I might not have had the closest relationship as I wished I could've with my own son, I wasn't the greatest father I'll admit. I was far worse then and I do not blame Sousuke for keeping his distance from me. There are many things I wished I could've said to him; it had been far too late to even begin my many apologies to him. Just know, I love him dearly.
Lastly, I have to tell you. I have done many misdeeds within this company, I have done things I wholly regret and made enemies with many people over my years of running the company. There are plenty of people within and outside the company that have wanted me gone from the scenes of the Honyaku family, wanted me dead. They are all justified and reasonable, I, myself agree with them. Many times, I had tried to show you my misdoings and the effects they had on the work and relations. I believe Jon took this in the wrong way no matter how much I explained the reason to him. I think he thought I was going to make you do the same. I would never, I have reflected and learnt. I just wanted you to learn from my misgivings.
I hope with time and healing, you may forgive them as you had done me many times in the past.
Love,
Your Grandpa.
The water flowed dripping down like rain onto the paper in my hands. I kept rereading his words, stroking the paper between my fingers as I felt the squeezing of my heart tighten. It hurt to breathe and all I could taste was salt as everything blurred, I took my glasses off and put them to the bedside counter as I folded the letter with my other hand and put it back into the envelope. I dried my soak face with my pyjamas sleeves and tucked the letter into my front pocket near my heart. I needed time; time to process everything, time to heal my broken heart.
I tuck myself deeper into my pillow, reminding myself to breathe every time my heart constricted at the thought of Grandpa and Jon. It burnt the worst at night, when I had nothing to distract me. "Grandpa." I cried, letting his name slip from my tongue as I hugged my pillow tightly. "Grandpa, why, why…"
I awoke back in the hospital bed. I was sealed surrounded by white walls, floors and sheets. It was eerily silent as I took a breath; the scene is both familiar and distorted as I gaze across the room. The usual sounds of tapping feet couldn't be heard within the hospital's hall and I brought myself to get up.
Slap.
My feet fell into mud and grass that sloshed as I stepped onto it. It was like it had recently rained as I looked up from my feet, gasping at the sudden change of scenery. I couldn't really see through the fog beside the towering book shelves that line up randomly around the field. I took steps towards the closest shelf. Slap, slosh, slap. It held plenty of books, none of the words stood out to me as I tried to reach for a book from the shelf. However no matter how much I tug my arms towards them, they fall further back into the shelf. I gave up and stood back, the shelf returning to normal.
A hand pat against my shoulder, I turn towards only catching the forming shadows within the fog. No one was there beside another bookshelf; this one had just one book on the shelf. It was one I hadn't seen for years; it was pink and filled with drawings. The big number one sat on the front cover and as I reached out, this time it didn't run away, my hand touched the soft cover and I carefully picked it up. I hug it close to me as I rub the front cover, shocked to see it once more.
The bookshelf it had sat there once was gone, along with the other forest of bookshelves. I was alone once more with a book amongst the fog; I opened a page and slammed it shut after seeing Tyler now existed within the pages. I grimace as I thought it is best to start walking onwards. Slosh, slap, slap. The mud dug around my ankles with each step and I had to pull it out to take another foot forward. It was slow and dragging as I fought against the nature of the ground. It was like the ground was flooded, just as I was about to trip over a hand, take my shoulder and pull me up.
"Careful, Tyler."
I whipped my head around to them but nobody was there once more. The touch had been gentle and the voice was a soft feminine one. I felt a soft sensation on my face, as if someone was touching them with their fingers. It was one I hadn't felt since being adopted. "Carol?" I asked, "Is that you?"
A hum answers me; she removes her hand from my cheek and takes my hand. I still couldn't see her, as if she is a phantom. She takes me forward, helping me whenever I get stuck and guiding me forward. I grasp her hand tightly, scared to let go. The fog cleared up and within my sights was someone I didn't think I'll see again.
"Is that really?" I whisper, looking forward, my fingers lessening around hers. I point ahead with the book still in hand, hoping she gets what I am asking.
"Careful, Tyler." She replies. "He's the Honyaku's monster."
I stop, turning to her in confusion. I look back at the round figure with glasses and eyes that look over me gently. "What do you mean?" I asked. "He's no monster." I let go of her hand harshly, upset that even Carol disliked him.
"Careful, Tyler." She repeats. "He's the Honyaku's monster."
Her voice slowly fades as I drudge towards Grandpa, ignoring her warnings. I grimace with every tricky step. Just as I reached the wooden ledge he stood on, with my hands reaching out I found my fingers slipping through his body.
"Grandpa?" I ask, I was baffled by the change of events. Where his illusion had been standing had disappeared with my touch. I cry out his name, crying out as I clutch the wooden ledge. I eventually pulled myself together and got up onto the ledge, leaving trails of mud around me. I stood up and turned to see Carol actually standing afar sinking into the mud, still whispering words.
"Careful, Tyler. He's the Honyaku's monster."
I watched as she sunk into the sinkhole of the mud. "Careful, Tyler. He's the Honyaku's monster." She chanted as it reached her waist. "Careful, Tyler. He's the Honyaku's monster." It reaches her bust. Her hand pointing behind me. "Careful, Tyler. He's the Honyaku's monster." Her shoulders slowly engulfed by the brown substance. "Careful, Tyler. He's the Honyaku's monster." She gave one last smile, tears trailing down her face before she put one more "Careful, Tyler. He's the Honyaku's monster." Before being buried underneath.
The area became dead silent without her chanting and I clutch the book closer to my chest. I took one foot forward, than another, than the other. Until I was walking forward once more. The wooden path creaks with the pressure of my feet, looking ahead I could see an old rusty car that looks like it's been left there longer than a decade. As I got closer I could see the car cover in vines and greenery, as if it had become a part of nature.
Shadows. Bodies sat within the rundown car, their heads laying down forward. Even the vines wrapped around them and I reached forward to rip them away, recognising the head of the one them, the hair tied up with a tiny ponytail. I tug them away with my strength yet they wouldn't budge as I stay there gripping them for dear life. "Hikori, Hikori, wake up, please." I called out to him, hoping he would wake up with my voice.
I hiss, the vines felt like they were giving me rope burn. I let go and it sprung back, smack I wince as I looked to see it had dug into Hikori and he melts away into his seat. I try and clutch at what is left of him but he slips through my hand, I choke on my breath trying to hold back the tears that want to rain down. I look over the car and find it empty now beside the overgrowth of plants.
I step away from the car and run to the left, the book left forgotten on the grass. I just ran through the panels of wood, the sinking mud, to the forest of bookshelves until I trip and fall on nothing but air. I cry into my hands as the mud slosh around my legs, wanting nothing more for all this to end.
"It's time we close this chapter of the Honyaku's misdeeds." Jon whispers behind me. I swirl around, spraying the watery mud out around me. He lifts his arms up to cover from the substance before pulling them down, planting them on my shoulders. "It's time; you open a new chapter Tyler." His eyes gaze into mine, he smiles softly before fluffing my hair with his hand.
"What do you mean?" I question as he places his hand written note into my hand.
"It's time; you open a new chapter Tyler." He repeats once more before he forms into the fog and I try to grip his hand tightly.
"Wait, wait…" his body turned to smog as he squeezed my hand once more, then no more of him could be seen, disappearing into the fog as if he was one with it. "Wait!" I cry out.
I woke up with sweat, once again in my bed. I cringed in pain as I felt my hip had been pulled too much, I noticed the bed sheets flung across the floor. I gasp, my heart shuddering as I try to settle it. Footsteps fumble outside my door and it flung open by the least likely person.
Sousuke stood at the door, his hair dishevelled and his eyes open wide in worry. He is in his pyjamas, bright pink stripy ones. He looks over to me and quickly comes to my side. I choke at his actions, as he pats my head. "Hey, hey, it's going to be okay….it's going to be okay." He whispers as he starts to reach his arm around my back.
Smack.
He stops, shocked at my actions of smacking his hand away. I glare him down as I try to take deep breaths, still shaking from the dream. He tries again to pull forward to wipe away my tears and I clutch his wrist, digging my nails in. "I don't need your affections." I spit still angered by his actions up to now. His eyes widen before he looks down, hurt crossing his eyes. "When did you get here?"
I let go off his hand when he began to tug it back. "Just a couple hours ago, I wanted to come much sooner." He answers, softly. He lays his hand on his lap, he always seems to be wearing his heart on his sleeves however I couldn't help but feel that was a part of his act.
I huff as I fold my arms together, straighten my back in the bed and look him head on. "I don't believe you." I reply, "Your past actions say otherwise."
"No, no Tyler, I mean it-"he starts to babble out as he brings his hand to the edge of the bed sheets.
"Then, why didn't you ever try before?" I whisper, my hand digging into my skin leaving crescent moon dents. He doesn't answer with his head bow down; he most likely couldn't find an excuse for his actions. "Shouldn't you be better than Grandpa?"
He tightens his hand on the sheets and I notice the light scars on his hand. "I am better, better than that..." He starts.
I felt myself starting to calm down as we talked. "Even if he had been a monster to you…" I began, he began to try to deny that claim but no words came out as we met eyes again. "He was as much as human as you, he had regrets." I pull the letter from the pocket near my heart and place it into his hand.
He doesn't say anything as he opens the letter open and starts to read the content. He stops. "I shouldn't be reading this," He tries to give it back. "It was written for you."
I put my hand back on his. "There are some things better seen with your own eyes." He tries giving it back and I plead "Please." He gives in and reads the letter, tears spill from his eyes as he reads that by the end he holds the letter out while hiding his face with his other hand.
I carefully take it as he begins to mutter to himself. "I thought…I just thought…" as he shook. I don't reach out, I didn't have the heart for someone who barely ever been there. "I'm the…" He says, as his shoulders shudder. We sat like that for what felt like hours as he cried, I put the letter back in the pocket. Silence of the night echoes on within the room; I watch him tremble in his place.
He eventually looks back up at me. "Could you ever forgive me?"
I remember the snapping of my chain, the hope and expectations of him being a parental figure in my life has all come into dust. "Maybe..." I clutch my hands together, I remember what Grandpa asked of me. 'I hope with time and healing, you may forgive them as you had done me many times in the past.'
I looked him in the eyes, hands shaking as I denied myself of wanting to keep this man out of my life because I just loved Grandpa that much and I just wanted to respect his last wishes he gave me and so I whispered softly back to Sousuke.
"Maybe with time."
"You're pouring fuel on the fire and I can't get enough
Fuel on the fire and now I'm burning up
Fuel on the fire and I won't ever stop
Fuel on the fire, remembering how to love
Remembering how to love
Remembering how to love
I can't help it
I only wish that I could
Always hoped you'd come back here someday
Things change." - Fuel on the fire by Bear's den.
Review Feedback from chapter 8:
Pigs103: OMG I didn't notice that error! That is a really valid piece of feedback, so I will edit that in the future with my Beta (Once the chapters be fully edited by them, that'll be fixed!) Plus thank you! Very much!
Mr Meowington: Thank you for always supporting this fanfic. ^^ Only time will tell.
Dally'sTUFF: Sorry for all the tears you may have spilt for that chapter. People come and go, some more gently then others in their methods of leaving. Partly so but there is always two sides to a story and we're mainly only seeing Tyler's perspective of things so don't hate them too badly. Hikori is a good boy, lul Me too, I can't wait to get writing about the boys and Tyler together fully soon! Ooh, interesting, we'll see how things play out in the future. I love your rambling! Please ramble again! The same to you too, please stay well and safe!
Elisablackcat: That chapter has closed and gone with Grandpa, something's are never made to be fully told. We all have family where there things we don't know about them and most likely will never know all about those things about them. Thank you!
MadMaddy0215: Exactly! Happy you saw that, it is a grey area when it comes to their parenting. Sadly, Tyler is still a 12 year old in body and mind, even though she has her past life, that life was and is very different from this one, so she still will get angry for her only family not seeing her when she really needed them, she put up with the neglect for the whole time, so she always has a right to be mad. Thank you for supporting both fanfics! It means a lot :D
Animie02fruit: We have almost finish the first arch, we're not quite done just yet, gotta set the stage for the next part of course. I'm happy I can surprise you! I'm curious about your predictions for the future are but maybe I will find out in the future! You too, please take care and be safe! I hope you like this chapter too!
Akari Wolf Princess: (Too both reviews.) Thank you. Maybe it was an easy way out? Though I did go crazy researching lul, I didn't want to have the cliché way of the character finding out he is a she. (Seeing the binders/bandages, the cliché tripping and touching the boobs ect.) Plus I haven't seen this topic use in other stories personally, plus there other reasons that will show up later chapters where this impacts Tyler. I did this for a reason and not just as a cheap way to get around the boob problem.
Plus I did consider the Honyaku's making her to deduct or take away her breast but I thought that be waaaay to harsh. So that my reasoning without spoilers.
Oooh I got you theorising, hehe, there is a lot to figure out and it's hard to know who could've done it. Elric Honyaku had a lot of enemies as he did friends, so seeing only from Tyler point of view restricts what you know. So keep an open mind, but I like your already trying puzzling pieces together. But I'll give on clue, which should be obvious; Jon didn't drive the car since he was still at the Manor. He couldn't get ahead of Grandpa and Tyler if he was still there when they left.
Thank you so much and I hope I'll keep you invested :D