It was the thirty seventh time Draco had cheated on her. She kept count, each time she marked it down so she could keep track. She didn't know why she did that, but for whatever reason it made her feel as though she had control over the situation although she knew she didn't.

"What do you feel?" Draco asked her, a smirk on his devilishly handsome face.

"I don't feel anything." she replied emotionlessly, staring blankly at his uncaring eyes.

"Why's that?" he inquired, the smirk not leaving. He asked her this all the time. Every time, she gave him the same reply.

"Because you always do this."

"So leave." Draco snarled, a disgusted look on his face.

"I can't leave you, because I love you." the words hurt, and she briefly shut her eyes as he caressed her jaw with his hand, gently placing his thumb on her full lips.

"But I don't." he said the words cruelly, harshly dragging his thumb down her lip and then placing his hand on her throat.

"I know." she acknowledged his cruel words. It was nothing new to her.

He roughly shoved her away from him, his hand jostling her collarbone harshly. He laughed as she flinched, turning away from her. She knew he would turn before he left the door, and he did, coming back to her and pushing her against the wall. He gripped her neck tightly, placing his lips to her ear.

"You would do anything for me." he breathed out, his teeth grazing her lobe.

Draco roughly took her robes off, and she unbuttoned her shirt. He pushed her down onto his bed, their lips mashing together as he roughly gripped her hips, leaving his fingerprints there. He trailed his lips down her neck, to her breasts where he quickly undid her bra, leaving her exposed as he groped at her skin. She moaned at his touch, which seemed to make him go faster as he quickly slid down her skirt and pumped two of his long fingers deep into her pussy.

Before she was ready, he thrusted his dick inside her, making her gasp at the pain. He had his arms propped up on either side of her head, leaning down to leave marks on her neck as he pumped in and out of her. She moaned loudly as the pain subsided and pleasure took its place.

"You like that, don't you?" Draco muttered breathlessly. "Fifthly little slut."

His breathing became ragged, and with one final hard thrust, he pulled out of her and rolled off the bed. She lay there, regulating her breathing, and shutting her eyes so he didn't see her cry. As usual, it was over as quickly as it had began, and she knew that was because he got all his foreplay done with Pansy fucking Parkinson.

"D'you want me to go now?" she asked quietly, sliding her skirt back on and retrieving her bra.

"Blaise, Crabbe, and Goyle will be back soon, so you'll probably want to be gone." Draco shrugged, putting his clothes back on and fixing his hair.

"Or are you just going to invite Pansy up here later?" she couldn't stop the sarcastic comment from coming out, sliding her shirt on and tucking it into her skirt.

Draco smirked at her. "Maybe."

She felt the tears prick again, and she quickly left his dorm without saying goodbye. After all this time, surely she would have gotten used to the feeling. Surely, she would have stopped caring.

But caring was the only thing she knew how to do. And Draco knew that. Draco was well aware of that.

It had started last year during their third year. She had always had a crush on Draco, and as it had turned out, he had known the whole time. He had love for her at one point, she assured herself, but she just couldn't figure out when the love had faded. Maybe it was last year at the Yule Ball when Pansy's dress sparkled more than hers and Pansy's tits were on full display in her low cut gown.

Maybe it was when they had grown comfortable enough that it could have been mistaken as losing feelings. She had started to see the tender look he would give her fade after the Yule Ball. That was when he began making excuses for why he couldn't study with her, why he wasn't sitting with her at meal times, until eventually she found Draco and Pansy wrapped together on the common room couch.

Perhaps if she hadn't forgiven Draco so quickly, if she hadn't assured Draco that she understood why he cheated, maybe he wouldn't have done it again. She would never forget that glimmer of cocky triumph in his eye when he realized she had forgiven him without a fight.

Sitting on the edge of the balcony in the astronomy tower, she tilted her head to the sky, staring out at the vast spattering of stars. Her dark brown hair tangled in the wind around her, and she couldn't find it in herself to care.

As she thought of that first time she had caught Draco, she laughed bitterly as she recalled he hadn't even apologized. He had simply stared warily at her, gauging her reaction, and when she immediately said she wasn't upset, he had relaxed. Throughout it all, she had been the one to apologize. She had been the one to ask what she could change in order for this to never happen again. She had been the one to promise to do better. All the while he had sat there and planned out the next time he was going to see Pansy.

She knew people were shocked when she and Draco had started dating. It seemed unlikely, the bullying Slytherin prince paired with the unusually kind Slytherin outcast. Before Draco, she hadn't had many friends in her house. She had most of her friends in the other houses, Luna Lovegood and Ginny Weasley being her best ones. Luna had accepted Draco as her boyfriend, while Ginny was thoroughly against it. For a while, they had stopped being friends, only to pick back up after an awkward month of Luna finding the strangest reasons to bring them together. Luna couldn't stand the thought of her best friend and her crush no longer being friends. Through it all, Luna was the only one who knew just how many times Draco had cheated on her.

"My cousin must have an infestation of the nittlebigs," Luna had said loftily, holding her as she cried. "I don't understand why else he would hurt someone as beautiful and kind as you."

Luna never pressured her to break up with Draco, and that was part of why they were so close. She knew that regardless of what she told Luna, Luna would listen and offer judgement free advice. A rather large part of her wanted to carry a mini Luna around in her pocket so that when she was feeling down, Luna would have something rather kind to say or something so odd that it would distract her from her personal woes.

She longed for Luna now, desperately wishing she had a distraction from her mind.

Just jump.. the voice whispered in her head. jump, and you'll no longer feel anything.

The voice was so.. alluring. It was true, if she jumped, she wouldn't have to feel anything. It wasn't that she wanted to die, she just… no longer wanted to feel the constant heavy weight in her chest. The only time she got a reprieve was when Draco would walk in the room on a good day, and give her a smile that reminded her of the boy she fell in love with. The boy she had watched Hermione Granger punch in their third year, the boy who had been full of such cocky and pompous attitude that had ran away crying when someone had actually shown him talk instead of action. Draco was always all talk. Just like when he used to promise her he would be faithful. He no longer did that.

The wind grew stronger as she hoisted herself up on the ledge of the railing. She began walking along it like a balance beam, her arms spread out to keep her balance. The urge to jump became stronger than before, and she focused on keeping her balance so that her intrusive thoughts wouldn't overcome her.

"When he walks in, I am loved, I am loved." she whispered softly, tears slipping down her cheeks.

There were footsteps coming from inside the astronomy tower. She carefully got down from the railing, wiping her cheeks as Ginny Weasley burst through the door with a haggard look on her face.

"Mae, what the bloody hell are you doing here this late at night?" Ginny demanded, her eyes narrowing as she took in her hollow look and wet eyes.

"I could ask you the same." she responded, twirling her wand between her fingers.

"Ron told me they saw you up here," Ginny paused, her frown creasing her forehead. "Figured I would check on you. What the hell happened?"

"Draco and I.. got in a little argument."

"Over what?"

Mae bit her lip. She hadn't wanted to tell Ginny, as she knew that it would be harder for her to keep things together if Ginny knew.

Tell her, the voice whispered. Tell her, because it will be easier.

"He was, erm," she cleared her voice. "Cheating on me with Pansy again."

Ginny's eyes flashed dangerously, and her voice was hard and flat. "Again? How many times has he done this?"

She shrugged. There was no way she would tell Ginny she had kept track of each thirty seven times Draco had cheated on her. "Dunno."

"I'll kill him," said Ginny decisively. "I'll kill the prat."

"No, Ginny please," Mae pleaded, reaching out to grip the Gryffindor's robes. "I'm handling it! I just need to be better."

Ginny's mouth dropped open, and she gave Mae an incredulous look. "Mae, you're not the one at fault here. The slimy git bastard is the one who I should be hexing."

Mae shook her head furiously, tears sliding out. "No, you don't understand, I just need to change. I'm too soft, and he's just doing this so I'll be stronger for whatever is coming next-"

"Don't tell me you believe that rubbish!" Ginny shouted, this time gripping Mae's robes. "You are beautiful, you are smart, you are kind to a bloody fault, you are an amazing friend and I would never say that about any other Slytherin!"

"That doesn't mean I'm perfect!" Mae argued hotly, her frustration and sadness growing. "I may be all of those things, but at the end of it all I love him and I won't ever be good enough for him!"

She ended her shouting with a muttered cry, slumping into Ginny's open arms. "Why am I not good enough?"

"You are good enough, Mae," Ginny rubbed her back consolingly. "It's him who's not."

"That's the problem though, isn't it?" whispered Mae into Ginny's robes. "Everyone thinks he has no good, but me. I know he's good. He just needs to find himself again."

"You can't save everyone," replied Ginny softly, pulling away and cupping Mae's face with her hands. "You will wake up one day, and realize you've had enough. You're too young to have your life tied together with someone who will never see your worth."

Mae shrugged. This was why she was hesitant to tell Ginny. She knew that the wise witch would say something so absolutely truthful and clever that it would make her think of her situation in a different light.

"I think I need to sleep now."

Together they walked back through the castle, splitting apart for Mae to head downstairs to the Slytherin common room. She trudged her feet along, taking her time as she entered the thick door. Upon entering, she headed straight to her room she shared with Astoria and Daphne Greengrass, and Marissa Blackwoods. The other girls were fast asleep, Daphne's loud snoring filling the air, and Mae found it easy to settle in her bed. What she found difficult was attempting to sleep

Ginny's words kept spinning around her head. You'll wake up one day, and realize you've had enough. The only problem was, Mae couldn't imagine her life without Draco. Sure, he made her upset and made her not like her life. But he was comforting in the sense that he was familiar, she had spent nearly three years with him. That was such a long time, could she really give all that up just on the off chance that she would be happier without him?

One day, you'll realize you've had enough.

i don't imagine this will be very long, but leave me suggestions for anyone you'd like to see mae end up with :-)

-TheFlyingGraysons