Summary: Owen was determined that Zach clean his jeep. Zach wasn't.
The Jeep Thing
"Zach! You've got to clean your jeep."
Zach slipped his headphone down around his neck and looked up at Owen. "What?"
"You've got to clean your jeep." Owen repeated.
Zach looked back down at his phone. "Why?"
"Why?" Owen walked across the tiny trailer towards him. He hovered and threw up his arms. "You're asking me why."
Zach glanced up from his phone and he shrugged. "No, not really. I don't care."
"You should care. It's disgusting."
Zach shrugged again and looked down at his phone again. "It's fine." He said dismissively.
Owen shook his head. "No, it's not."
"Yeah, it is. I like it the way it is."
"You need to clean it!" Owen snapped.
"No!"
"Yes!"
Zach leaned back on the couch and shook his head. "Not gonna happen."
Owen sighed and tilted his head. "Then I'm going to do it."
Zach shook his head again. "Nope."
"Yeah, I am."
Zach shrugged. "Fine. Then you'll regret it."
Owen rolled his eyes. "You're coming with me."
"No I'm not."
Owen grabbed Zach and hauled him off the couch. "Yeah, you are."
"Guess I am." Zach mumbled as he was dragged along.
Owen pulled him through the door and down the stairs. Zach's jeep was parked right out front, in the middle. Zach hadn't exactly parked very well the night before. Just pulled up and rolled out of the jeep. Owen shook his head as he stopped beside of it. "Look at it!" He let go of Zach and waved his hands. "It's ridiculous!"
Zach straightened and slipped his headphones back on. "It's not that bad." He insisted.
Owen opened the passenger door and a myriad of items spilled out. "Oh yeah?" Zach had his phone in his hands again and his back was turned towards Owen. He took a step away and Owen reached out and grabbed the back of his shirt and hauled him back. "Oh no you don't!" Owen snapped. "You aren't going anywhere!"
Zach threw back his head and let out a groan. "Fiiiiiine!" He strung out. "But just so you know, I am here against my will. You are kidnapping me now."
Owen cocked an eyebrow. "You are an adult."
Zach tilted his head and shrugged. "Fine. Adultnapping then."
"Just go around to the other side!" Owen snapped, pushing him. "Open the other door and start pulling stuff out."
Zach stumbled around to the other side and pulled the driver's side door open. He really didn't see what the big deal was. Driver's side was rather clean. He shrugged and stepped back from the jeep. Then he plopped down on the ground and pulled up a playlist on his phone.
Owen started pulling things out. He tossed them on the ground without a second thought. First, he wanted to empty the jeep. Then they could sort everything and figure out what actually needed to remain in the jeep and what needed to go elsewhere and what needed to be thrown away. The latter was the option he was thinking for everything. So he spent the next half hour cleaning the jeep out. The pulling first and sorting later idea ended up not working. There was just too much stuff. So he'd stopped, hauled Zach back up off the ground, and started sorting as he went, making piles on the ground around the jeep.
Owen had emptied the visible parts of the back and front seats. Now all that was left was the hidden spots. Under the front seats and the glove box. He was almost afraid. He had no clue what was lurking in the dark corners. But he'd already started. There was no going back now. He popped the glove box open and a large box of condoms fell out onto the passenger seat. He stared down at them for a moment. Then he looked up at Zach and cocked his head to the side. "Really?"
Zach shrugged, not missing a beat as he leaned against the hood. "We fuck around in your jeep all the time."
Owen picked up the box and held it out. "This is a ridiculously big box, crammed in the glove box."
"Cheaper that way." Zach pointed out.
Owen nodded his head slowly. "Okay... sure. Acceptable answer. But one flaw in your logic, sweetheart."
Zach glanced up from his phone and eyed him for a moment. "Yeah? What?"
"Ain't no way we're ever fucking around in your jeep." Owen said. "Can't fit in it with all this shit."
Zach shrugged again and looked away. "Always be prepared." He said flippantly and looked back down at his phone.
Owen stared at him for a moment. "Did you just recite the boy scout motto... in defense... of your huge box of condoms?"
Zach nodded. "Yep."
Owen sighed and set the condoms on the dashboard. "Fine. Though you're missing a key item."
"Under the seat." Zach said.
Owen raised an eyebrow. He was suspicious. But he leaned forward and stretched his arm down, under the passenger seat. He honestly was a little nervous about just blindly reaching under the seat without looking. He really should get out of the jeep, get the flashlight and lean over so he could get eyelevel with it. And gloves! He needed plastic gloves! His fingers brushed across something and he grabbed it and pulled it out. He stared at the dangling pair of handcuffs and cocked an eyebrow. "That was one time." He said, throwing the cuffs at Zach.
Zach glanced up in time to see the flying cuffs. He fumbled to catch them and hold his phone at the same time.
"And you lost the key." Owen snapped. "I was stuck for almost 3 hours."
Zach shrugged again. "Maybe I lost the key on purpose." He said and tossed the handcuffs at one of the piles.
"Seriously?" Owen exclaimed. "I couldn't drive while being handcuffed to the steering wheel. Lowery had to bring bolt cutters to the jungle in the middle of the night! I still owe him a favor for that! He won't tell me what, either! I'm terrified!"
Zach let out a laugh and nodded. "Yeah, that was great."
Owen narrowed his eyes. "For you, maybe."
Zach shrugged. "Wrong seat anyways." He said. "Lube is under the driver's seat."
Owen retrieved the ridiculously large bottle of lube from under the driver's seat. "Zach! This is ridiculous! You know this, right?"
Zach shrugged again. "It was too big to fit in the glove box." He said. "Had to put it under the seat."
"Not the lube!" Owen snapped, grabbing it and the condoms and tossing them both on the ground. "The whole thing!" He slammed the door shut and threw up his arms. "Look at this!" He stared down at the various piles on the ground and frowned. "Wait... did mix up my piles?"
Zach shrugged as he pushed off the jeep. He stepped around the piles and flopped down on the ground.
Owen stared at him for a moment. Then he let out a sigh and shook his head. Fine. He'd just resort it. Again. He divided the items up again into piles. At least this time, it was faster. Only some items were tossed in the wrong piles. Zach still wasn't helping, just sitting there with his headphones on, his head slowly bopping to some beat. Occasionally, Owen threw something at him. Zach would just pick up the item and toss it in the correct pile this time, at least. So he was sort of helping. In the least way possible. "Zach."
Zach had the volume low enough to hear Owen. He slipped the headphones off and looked up at Owen. "Yeah, O?"
Owen knelt down in front of one of thes pile and pointed to a bundle of wires. "There's like 20 phone chargers here."
Zach shrugged. "I keep misplacing them and buying new ones. Then I find them."
Owen narrowed his eyes. "I was undercutting it." He said dryly. "There's 38."
Zach shrugged. "They all still work fine."
Owen pulled one of the top and held it out. "This one is covered in something sticky. I'm hoping you spilled a pop or something."
Zach leaned closer for a moment, looking at it. Then he nodded. "Yeah, last month, I think."
"Zach!"
"I cleaned most of it up." He said defensively.
Owen pointed to a pile of actual trash. "Yeah, I found the wadded up paper towels still in there."
"See?" Zach pouted a bit. "I can clean!"
Owen stared at him blankly. "Did you seriously just say that?"
Zach pointed to the pile of cleaning supplies. Leather wipes, glass wipes, a bottle of tire cleaner, a few smashed rolls of paper towels, car wash, car wax, hand towels, sponges, and a dozen other cleaning items.
Owen sighed and shook his head. "Whatever." He pointed to a second, smaller set of cords. "These chargers aren't even for your phone."
Zach leaned closer again for a moment. "Those are for my old phone."
Owen pointed towards another pile with four phones. "Which one?"
Zach's eyes widened and he jumped up. He fished one of the phones out of the pile. "Oh awesome! I thought Echo stole this one. It has that video of the night you got drunk and stripped to that Beyoncé song."
Owen's mouth dropped open. "You said you deleted that."
Zach shrugged as he grabbed one of the cords out of the old charger pile. He wrapped it around the old phone and shoved it in his pocket. "I say a lot of things." He sat back down on the ground.
Owen clenched his teeth and mentally fought with himself for a moment. Yelling would do no good. He sighed and shook his head. "Fine. Whatever. This is a pile of keys." He said, pointing at said pile of a ridiculous amount of keys. "I have no clue what they go to."
Zach glanced down at them and shrugged. "No clue."
"They're in your jeep."
Zach shook his head. "They aren't mine."
Owen glanced down at the other ridiculous piles with a sigh. Clothes, shoes, silverware, a blanket, toiletries like deodorant and an exploded bottle of hair conditioner and a bottle of lotion, 3 umbrellas, 9 various pairs of gloves, and a bra. That last one was a bit weird but Owen would ask later. There was also an old camera, too many writing utensils to count (Owen lost count around 96), notebooks, old college text books (Zach hadn't even been attending college when he moved to the island), $53.68 in coin change, towels, sunblock, a folding chair, 3 pocket knives, 57 loose batteries, and way too many flashlights in all shapes and sizes. There was also a pile with screw drivers, wrenches, a hammer, a ruler, level, and other various tools. The emergency car kit Owen had gotten him was empty and the contents had been loose in the jeep. Space blankets, first-aid kit, flares, bungee cords, spare fuses, gas can, jumper cables, and duct and electrical tape.
Owen breathed out and shook his head. The more he stared at the piles, the more his head started to spin. Because seriously, did he really just pull all of it out of one jeep? Was that possible? "Zach, how did all this even fit in there?"
Zach glanced around and shrugged. "Mary Poppins."
Owen frowned. "What?"
"Like that bag she has." Zach said as if that explained everything.
Owen was about to argue when a tuft of orange caught his eye. It was sticking out of the blanket, near the clothes pile. Owen stretched over and grabbed the blanket. He shook it until the orange thing rolled loose. Owen picked up the orange stuffed fish. "You have Echo's Nemo?"
Zach shook his head. "That's not Echo's Nemo. That's an extra."
Owen blinked. "Extra?"
Zach nodded. "I have a few hidden around the island."
"The island?"
Zach nodded again. "Yeah. 9 in the bungalow, 3 at the paddock, 13 in the control room...
"In control?" Owen interrupted. "Where?"
"Mostly Lowery's desk." Zach said. "He wanted to help. I think he crammed 8 in the bottom drawer. There's also 3 in aunt Claire's office..."
"In her office? She hasn't noticed?"
Zach stared at him. "It's aunt Claire."
Owen scratched at the back of his neck. "Okay, you got me there."
Zach nodded. "But yeah. Simon's got a bunch, too, in his office and car and his house. There's a few with Barry, too. Even Zara keeps one for me. They're basically everywhere. All through the jungle and in Rexy's paddock, too."
"How many?" Owen asked slowly, like he really didn't want to know the answer.
"136." Zach answered easily.
"Why?"
Zach rolled his eyes and stood up. He stretched for a moment and shoved his phone in his pocket. "So no matter where I am, if someone calls me and tells me Echo's freaking out because she lost Nemo, I can say I'll be right there to help mysteriously find him."
Owen opened his mouth slowly. "Has that happened before?"
Zach nodded his head.
"How many times?"
"Echo's on her 16th Nemo."
Owen's eyes widened. "Seriously?"
Zach nodded again. "Sometimes I end up finding them. Usually it's because Delta's stolen him and hidden him to drive Echo crazy. So she's totally in on it and I keep telling her to stop. But I'm pretty sure she thinks it's funny. Actually, I'm pretty sure she has her own stash somewhere." Zach crossed his arms and huffed out. "I just can't find it!"
Owen shook his head. "How did I not know this?"
Zach shrugged. "It's a need to know basis operation."
Owen frowned. "What?"
Zach shrugged. "Plus the Nemo toys are sorta my thing."
"The raptors are sorta my thing." Owen emphasized.
Zach's eyes snapped up to Owen's and he looked serious for the first time. "They're mine, too. Don't mess with my mommy skills."
Owen rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Fine!" He raised his arms.
"I get Echo in the divorce."
Owen wrinkled his nose and shook his head. "You'd return her."
"Nope." Zach shook his head. "She'll follow me anywhere. I have all the Nemos."
Owen had to admit, Zach was right about that. If Echo ever found out the island was full of Nemos... she would go crazy. He nodded slowly and his eyes scanned the piles once again. "Okay. I'm gonna run inside and get the vacuum and some trash bags. We'll get it vacuumed and cleaned and then figure out what needs to go back in."
Zach tilted his head and shrugged. "Whatever you say."
Owen nodded again and headed inside.
Zach watched him for a moment. Then he looked back down at the pile of keys. He lied about one of the keys. One of them, attached to keyring with a pink pony on it. Zach bent down and grabbed it quickly. Then with his eyes on the door to the bungalow, he backed up slowly, trying to be quiet. Then he turned and sprinted towards Owen's jeep. He opened the door and slipped in. He put the pink pony key into the ignition and it roared to life.
Owen was out the door and standing on the deck. "HEY!" He yelled and waved.
Zach waved and laughed loudly. "Have fun!" He called before putting the jeep into gear and then speeding off.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
Author's Notes: This is silly and stupid and I wrote most of it back in December, when I was going through my "I'M DON'T WANNA WRITE RAPTOR BECAUSE I'M BURNT OUT" period. Also inspired by the song, "Things In My Jeep" by the Lonely Island.