This is a bajillion shades of crack and I'm not even sorry about it.

Jemma confidently ran up the few steps to the Mikaelsons' safe house, ready to battle.

She had been nice for far too long already, going through a season and a half of pure bullshit, and she had finally had enough. Somebody had to put a stop to this madness, and that somebody was going to be her.

Without even bothering to knock, the brunette swung the front door open and crossed the threshold.

Immediately, she felt the air around her change and someone dangerously vamp-speeding right in front of her in the matter of a few seconds.

Elijah bared his vampire teeth to her, growling threateningly. He looked so much like a mixture of ridiculous and constipated, that Jemma was surprised when he decided to talk first and attack later. After all, she was pretty sure intelligence was something running pretty low in that house, or in the whole Mikaelson family at that point really.

"Who are you?" he roared, making her snort slightly as she tried to reign in her growing laughter out of self-preservation more than anything else.

Klaus quickly appeared behind him, together with Hayley—who was holding a fed up-looking baby Nope in her arms—and Camel–ahem, Camille.

Jemma cringed at the ridiculous pictures the four of them painted in front of her.

After a moment, she sighed, taking a step back to distance herself from Elijah and slightly pushing the old vampire to the side. He let her, looking completely baffled by her actions, eyes wide and crazed. Leading an existence pretending that Hayley Marsh-whatever was actually Katherine Pierce every single time that he had to toss her on a table–

–much class, very elegant–

–could do that to a man: make him lose his mind and will to live.

She took a moment to give the poor Original a sympathetic look before finally answering his question.

"I'm Jemma," she replied proudly, hands on her hips à la superhero, "Klaroline shipper by day and–and... and Klaroline shipper by night, too. I'm here to try and fix your ratings."

They all looked at her in total astonishment, shocked and confused, mouths comically agape.

"Our what?" poor men's Caroline asked.

Jemma rolled her eyes, already growing incredibly annoyed.

"Your ratings," she repeated, feeling as if she was talking to a two-year-old but then banishing the thought from her mind; it wasn't fair to two-year-olds to be compared to Camille. "Those things that allow your show to keep on airing on TV and that depend on how many people watch it live every week? Which, let me tell you," she brought her hands up and gave them a pointed look, "is not many at all."

"We... aren't a TV show," Hayley frowned, and Jemma struggled to understand her words, barely managing to translate from her (it's not—)Australian to Human English.

The young girl snorted, assessing the group in front of her from head to toe. "Yeah, right, and I'm a vampire."

She received a few weird looks then, all of them surely surprised to learn that she somehow already knew what they really were.

After a moment, she spoke again, suddenly excited. "Well, actually, not that I would mind—being a vampire, I mean. Immortality and all that, especially forever being able to watch new Klaroline scenes. Like, if you're willing–" she took a step forward, making the five (well, four plus Dopey Nope) recoil and move back slightly all at the same time, looking almost alarmed and definitely freaked out.

Noticing, Jemma scowled, feeling somewhat offended.

"All right then, no turning me into a vampire. No need to be so mean, oh my God. I was going off topic, anyway," she shook her head to herself, looking pensive.

After a few moments of silence, Klaus finally spoke up for the first time, looking severely annoyed.

"I have no idea who you are, sweetheart,"—she didn't swoon, not even for a millisecond, n o p e—"but I think that you have overstayed your welcome."

He started to walk towards her, an angry look in his eyes—which made her snicker because, like, no; Klaus Mikaelson didn't even do angry anymore, he did selfies and creepy animal balloons if anything—but stopped when she snorted once again.

"Oh, please," she haughtily crossed her arms over her chest, "if anybody here has overstayed their welcome it's Grandma over there," she nodded towards Camille with a quirked up eyebrow.

The gir–no, woma–uhm, old lady? in question's eyes widened, and she looked outraged for a moment.

"I'm sorry?" the blonde (eh) stuttered.

Jemma rolled her eyes. "You heard me just right. Nobody wants you here."

Camille frowned. "Klaus wan–"

"–ts Caroline. Yes, I agree."

"Who?"

"Your Queen, everybody's Queen. The flawless being that Julie Plec unsuccessfully tried to copy/paste you from."

But Camille only became even more confused, the others around her as well.

"Who's Julie Plec?"

Jemma sighed. "The only reason why you're unfortunately currently still alive. But I'm gonna fix it."

Swiftly, Jemma moved towards the girl, putting her hands on both of the other human's shoulders and shaking her head in disappointment.

"I can't even say that I'm sorry for your wasted potential, because, let's be real, look at that ugly bottle-blonde hair! You didn't even try."

And, before anybody else in the room could react in any way, she quickly steered Camille towards the door, pushing at her back.

The psycho-psy-pso-something looked like a deer caught in the headlights as she turned around, her void, washed-up blue eyes open wide.

"But–"

The door slammed shut in her face.

"Bye-bye!" Jemma sing-songed as she turned around with a calculating look shining in her light brown orbs.

"And now..." she purposefully walked towards Hayley, who held Nope closer to her in fear.

Jemma smirked widely once she was right in front of the two, slightly amused and pleased by how both Klaus and Elijah were too frozen on their spots in bewilderment to do anything in defense of Miss-I-am-badass-but-always-need-someone-else-to-come-and-save-me-because-I-am-also-stupid werewoof slash vaaaahmpaaaahire.

She brought her hands up, the way witches do when they're about to spell (curse) someone, and went—"Boo!"

Immediately, both Moon Moon and Nope magically disappeared and the two Originals gasped.

"Where–where did they go? What did you do to them?" Elijah asked, more stunned and disoriented than angry or worried.

Jemma shrugged, her gaze shifting between the two brothers.

"Nothing, really. They never existed, they were just a nightmare."

"A nightmare..." Klaus repeated quietly after a moment, then nodded to himself. "It does make sense."

Satisfied with the outcome of her mission, Jemma grinned, producing a carefully folded piece of rectangular paper from inside one of her jeans' pockets.

"Here," she thrust it into Klaus' open hand. The hybrid frowned, so she explained, tone deadly serious. "It's a one-way plane ticket to Mystic Falls, put it to good use," she pointed a threatening forefinger at him.

With both Mikaelsons still highly appalled because of the latest happenings, Jemma turned around, finally moving to the door with a happy jump in her step.

"Oh," she grinned mischievously, stopping for only a second, not turning to look at either of the two men but clearly addressing Klaus. "F.Y.I., you might wanna start practicing some groveling, dude."

Weee aaare the chaaampions—

—the sudden music blasted loudly from some invisible stereo speakers as she left the safe house, the two Originals watching her retreating figure through the still open door—

—of the wooooorld.