.
.
Madara has come back from a mission - one of the first where Hashi wasn't supervising him. ("If I had known the brat would be my warden," Madara said, and he narrowed his eyes at Gai and Naruto, "I would have refused to leave my room.")
Now Madara is back, irritated and patting his pockets for his keys. Then he remembers the only keys he has are to the mailroom, there isn't a normal lock on a door, but a numerical keypad.
"Dammit." He takes off his glove and mashes his finger on the buttons, pressing in the code.
"Wrong. Number. Please try. Again."
"What?" Madara presses the numbers again. The lock beeps at him. "Dammit."
He bangs his fist on the door. "Hashirama. I'm locked out."
He can hear her scurrying around the living room. "Um! Just a second-"
Something crashes. Madara raises his eyebrows as he listens to the thudding of her footsteps. She flings open the door, then closes it behind her.
"Uh." Hashi blocks the door frame with her body. "What, what are you...uh. What are you doing here?"
Madara's eyes narrow. "I live here."
"I know that! I mean, wow, you're back from your mission so quickly-"
"It was a fool's errand. Why they needed three of us is beyond me." Madara tries to look behind her. "Why are you blocking the door?"
"What? Blocking? Oh! Ha ha! I'm not blocking anything-" she inches around the door frame.
Something clatters. Madara looks behind her. "What was that?"
"Nothing! Just, uh. Rats, maybe? Lots of little rats-"
"We don't have rats, someone is there." Madara activates his Sharingan.
Hashi throws up her hands. "Wait wait wait, don't go in, I can explain-"
Madara throws open the door.
Izuna is squatting in the living room, trying to walk with a chair tied to his hands and back with Hashi's Wood-Style Jutsu.
xXx
.
Hashi and Tsunade were drinking, which is how it all started.
"So, uh, Tsunade-chan and I were talking about the whole Reanimation Jutsu thing, and how that snake guy improved it over Tobirama, and we started wondering if someone who has the Mokuton could do it better, and-"
They glance over at Izuna, who growls in the chair.
"I, uh, thought I'd try it? I didn't think it would actually work," Hashi says. Izuna bangs his foot against the chair.
"What the fuck, Nii-san?!" Izuna says. His skin is cracking and his sclera's black. Madara rushes over and starts untying him. "That Senju bitch kidnapped me! Aren't you going to do something?"
"Why did you tie him up?!" Madara says. Hashi spreads her hands.
"He attacked me with a katon - he almost set the apartment on fire!"
Goddammit. Madara takes a breath. He unties the knots around Izuna's arms, the ropes going slack and dropping to the floor.
"Where are we?" Izuna says, standing. He rubs his wrists, looking around. "This place looks like something from the gods."
"It's an apartment." Madara's eyes narrow. "That idiot Senju summoned you."
xXx
.
Uchiha Izuna looks around the apartment, awestruck.
He touches a light switch. Reverently, he flips the switch on, then off, astounded by the miracle before him. Modern nin can control sunlight. They can sequester winter climates and create ice. They have gleaming metal tools for cooking and a mysterious box that heats up food.
There was too much to explain, so Madara took a shortcut and genjutsu'd Izuna, pouring in his memories of everything that happened. "What do you remember?" Madara asks. Izuna shakes his head.
"I remember telling you to take my eyes. And then I woke up here." He turns and glares at Hashi, who's perched on the couch, anxiously. "She smells of sake. We should take her now while she's intoxicated."
"Um, I can't get drunk, my healing powers kick in," Hashi says. Madara motions for her to shut the hell up.
"Why is my skin cracking?" Izuna says. A piece of skin flakes off his eyebrow. "What's wrong with my eyes? Why can't I feel anything?"
"From what I gather, your soul is tethered to that body, which isn't real," Madara says. He crosses his arm. "It seems Hashirama used a wood clone to house you."
"Okay, so why the hell are you living with her? Don't tell me," a look of disgust crosses Izuna's face, "you've consummated your relationship with her."
"Wait, what?" Hashi says, while Madara bolts upright, "Izuna!"
"Oh, I see. I think I understand the situation." Izuna scratches his chin, nodding. "Do not worry, Elder Brother. I won't tell that Senju cow how you're secretly in love with her."
"DAMMIT."
"Oh. I shouldn't have said that last part," Izuna says. "We should just genjutsu her so she'll forget this conversation."
Madara throws Hashi a horrified look. Hashi waves her hand.
"Don't worry, don't worry. Tobirama says the same thing, I know he's just making fun of you."