hello! so first of all i hope everyone's doing well and staying safe, i live in the uk and we're back in lockdown so im trying to put my newfound free time to good use and hopefully get some writing done.

i've had this idea for a while but its been a bit of a back and forth trying to figure out which direction to take it in before i finally ended up with this. i just want to make one thing clear just in case it comes across a certain way, this is not a thasmin or fam bashing fic. anyone who has read my previous who fics will know i write mainly thasmin and in order to make this story as i guess believable as possible i had to come up with a valid reason for the fam to be temporarily out of the picture.

anyway. as always, i hope you enjoy and i would love to hear your thoughts.

Don't Say Goodbye

She knew she shouldn't but she couldn't help herself, she'd never been good at following rules, even rules that weren't even official rules, it was more of a could have catastrophic consequences situation but she ate catastrophes for breakfast most days of the week, so it was no big deal, not really, as long as no one found out anyway.

Sometimes the trips were made shortly prior to regeneration, a distraction of sorts, other times it had been out of curiosity, or like this time, simply because they were missed. Try as they might, The Doctor never forgot a face, not a day went by when a past companion didn't enter their thoughts. Each individual to ever call the TARDIS their home, no matter for how long or short a time, had their own permanent place in The Doctors hearts. It sometimes bore painful reminders given the fates of said companions, which is why it wasn't uncommon for them to try and lock these memories away, not because they didn't miss them dearly, but simply in an attempt to lessen the pain it brought them.

Her fam had requested some downtime and she had listed off roughly a dozen spa planets she could take them to before Graham had finally interrupted her. Downtime was apparently code for Doctor free time, they wanted to go home, without her. Not forever, Yaz had been quick to assure her when she'd seen her face fall.

"Just a little while." Ryan had elaborated on Yaz's behalf.

Her eyes widened a fraction before narrowing as she tried to process what was going on.

"How longs a little while?" She'd asked, trying her best to keep the worry out of her voice.

There had been a pause whilst they tried to put a timeframe on how long they wanted to spend with their families before they resumed their travels with her, she felt a touch of embarrassment at how desperate she must sound and knew she couldn't blame them for wanting to be with their loved ones but the selfish part of her wanted to blame them, wanted to remind them that although not blood related she saw them as her family too, her only family actually and after everything they had been through together she thought they felt the same way, however in that moment she was left feeling like little more than some sort of space taxi.

"We'll give you a ring yeah?"

That had been the gut puncher, thankful she had been facing the console at the time so they couldn't see her face The Doctor gave a short nod in response. She hadn't trusted her voice and remained with her back to them whilst she pressed the necessary buttons and twisted dials to direct her ship back to Sheffield.

Give her a ring. Neither Yaz or Graham had added anything after Ryan, clearly happy to go along with the idea he'd presented to her. Maybe they'd been planning this for a while, whilst she had been tinkering they had probably been trying to figure out the best time to make their leave. Give her a ring. She wasn't stupid, in fact she was pretty flipping brilliant and she knew they were fully aware of what their vague answer meant. It meant she couldn't just skip ahead and pick them up when they were ready, it was goodbye. She hated goodbyes.

Few words had been shared between the group after that, The Doctor landed the TARDIS in present day Sheffield, ish, give or take and after a few long moments of awkward silence Graham had been the one to initiate their leave.

"Try and stay out of trouble Doc."

She'd managed a breath of a laugh and a small nod.

"Don't have too much fun without us."

The ghost of a smile crossed her lips.

"See you soon."

That had nearly broke her, Yaz's inability to meet her eye as she spoke only further cemented what she had already worked out in her mind. This was goodbye.

She had walked them out, leaning against the doorway of the TARDIS as they gave her a final wave.

"Bye fam!"

Her usual loud, cheery tone followed an exaggerated wave, however the pain in her eyes was unmistakable. Yaz finally met her gaze if only briefly and she saw the young woman's expression change as it appeared for the first time since they had asked to go home, that she'd finally realised/bothered to consider what this was like for her. It hadn't been enough to change her mind though and The Doctor could only bare to watch them walk away for a few moments before she had silently slipped back through the door.

The events that had transpired after leaving Sheffield were grainy in her mind, she wasn't sure how much time had passed by but one thing she had been painfully aware of what that not once had she heard from her fam. The moniker that had once brought her warmth and happiness now felt like a punchline to a joke made at her expense, she really had seen the trio as her family, still did as much as it hurt to think about and she also knew that if they were to call her in the future then she would come running.

She was feeling reckless, and lonely. The TARDIS gave a questioning hum when she realised where and when The Doctor was trying to fly her to but made no effort to divert off course, almost as though she too was hoping to catch a glimpse of their old friend.

It was a bumpy landing but they managed it, whether the rough ride was down to where it was they were or just The Doctor's bad driving she wasn't sure but it didn't matter anyway, they had done it. She was back. A feeling arose in her chest, butterflies was the term coined by the humans. She'd always wondered why it was butterflies, why not something more interesting like ladybirds? Ladybirds were cool. Maybe she would use that from now on. Maybe she would tell her, that she gave her ladybirds, it would make her laugh if nothing else, she always had a brilliant laugh, and a contagious bright smile that never failed to lift the mood no matter what sort of grump The Doctor found themselves in.

She was allowing herself to get lost in the excitement and it was another hum from the TARDIS, this time low and almost sad that brought her back to the present and she sighed.

"I know, old girl."

She did know, as much as she wanted to pretend things were different and could act as such whilst still on her ship, Rose wouldn't know her, not this her anyway and no matter how much she wanted to, she couldn't reveal her true identity. Simply being there was taking a big risk and the only reason the TARDIS had even allowed The Doctor to land her there was because she was trusting her not to screw things up.

"Right!"

A grin appeared on her face and she rubbed her hands together before shoving them into her coat pockets and rummaging around as though making sure she had her keys and phone before she set off. Instead of keys or a phone however, The Doctor pulled a packet of biscuits out of one of her packets with a triumphant 'ah ha!'.

"What?" Her tone held a touch of offence as she made her way over to the door.

"Just incase I get peckish." She explained, slipping the packet back into her pocket.

Another hum filled her mind and The Doctor nodded, what felt like her first true smile since her fam had left replaced the perma frown and she lay a hand against one of the doors for a few moments before finally opening it and stepping out.

Snow covered the ground and small flakes continued to fall, well, the humans would believe it to be snow but she knew better. She flexed the fingers on her right hand as she recalled the events of oh so long before and yet less than a day previous at the same time, timey wimey.

The estate was only a few streets away and she felt her hearts rate quicken as she set off in that direction. What was she even hoping for? It wasn't like she could just knock on her front door and say hello, could she? It was Christmas after all, she could pretend to be an overly festive neighbour who was making her rounds wishing everyone good tidings. This all banked on Rose answering the door in the first place, what if Jackie answered? Or him? She could already feel the buzz of his presence and knew he'd be feeling something similar although he'd probably chalk it up to extra regeneration energy, as long as she didn't make her arrival obvious.

Straight up knocking on her door was crossed off the list then, with a sigh she took the biscuits out of her pocket and opened the packet, maybe a snack would help her come up with a better idea of how to bump into her old friend.

She was three custard creams down when she stopped across the road from the all to familiar block of flats, the ladybirds were back and this time accompanied by a touch of panic as she still hadn't come up with a plan. Being this close to herself was dangerous and the longer she hung around, the higher the risks became but she didn't want to leave, couldn't leave, not until she at least caught a glimpse of the shop girl that had stowed a part of herself away in her hearts all those lifetimes ago.

Movement caught her eye and The Doctor found herself momentarily frozen as a figure emerged from the building, not just any figure though, a figure she hadn't laid eyes on in millennia and yet in that moment it felt as though no time had passed at all. Feelings long since suppressed came flooding back and she simply stood, watching from a distance as Rose set off by herself.

Rose hadn't appeared to notice the strange woman watching her from afar, recent events had her head in a mess and her only focus in that moment was finding somewhere, anywhere, that she could just take a minute to process it all.

The Doctor waited until Rose had made it a safe distance before following after her, she couldn't remember her mentioning this nighttime stroll and briefly wondered what her newly regenerated self was up to.

By the time she had caught up with her, Rose had wondered into the local park and was sat on one of the swings. It was clear she had ventured out to have a moment to herself, The Doctor knew it would be best if she just turned around and went back to the TARDIS, she had seen her after all, a glance, it was all she'd promised herself. She couldn't though, she'd never been good at following rules, especially ones set by herself and before she could try and convince herself further she was already closing the remaining distance between herself and Rose. Slipping through the gate with stealth that surprised herself, she walked across the park to the swing set and came to a stop just short behind the young woman.

"This seat taken?" She asked, gesturing to the empty swing beside the one Rose was sat on.

Still lost in her own thoughts, Rose hadn't heard anyone approach. Wide eyes met The Doctor's as she spoke and for a moment the pair simply stared at each other. Her gaze shifted to the hand still pointing at the empty swing beside her and a small frown crossed her face when she saw the packet of biscuits she was holding.

It was another few moments before Rose finally shrugged and shook her head.

"Go ahead."

Her voice had tears rising in The Doctor's eye before she even had a chance to process the emotion. With a small nod, she rounded the swing and sat down. Unsure of what to say now that she was finally in a position to do so she held out the hand still clutching the biscuits and offered Rose a smile.

"Custard cream?"

A breath of a laugh escaped Rose and she found herself smiling back, she should probably creeped out by a strange woman offering her a biscuit in a park of all places but for some reason she felt more amused than anything else.

"I'm good, thanks."

Amused as she may be, her mum had still taught her not to take things from strangers. The Doctor shrugged and took one out for herself before putting the packet back into her pocket.

"So, what brings you out here by yourself, it's Christmas isn't it?"

The Doctor's tone held genuine curiosity as she spoke around the biscuit, she'd managed to get her emotions in check but couldn't stop herself from staring at Rose with a intense expression, willing the image in front of her to be burned into her mind forever more.

Rose frowned at the questions posed to her, was the woman asking her if it was Christmas? Why wouldn't she know what the day was, especially one so widely celebrated as this one. She was also bothered by the fact that for some reason, she found herself wanting to tell this stranger why she was out all alone, why she had chosen to leave her family on Christmas Day evening in favour of sitting in a cold park by herself. Instead though, she offered the woman a shrug and dropped her gaze to the ground, scuffing the heel of her trainer into the dirt.

"I could ask you the same thing."

"You could." The Doctor agreed.

"But I asked you first." She added after a beat.

Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, Rose looked back to the woman to find her staring back with an expectant expression. She could tell her to mind her own, tell her she wanted to be left alone, which she had wanted, until she'd walked over anyway. The feeling was back, the urge to open up to this stranger and like before she didn't understand why but instead of deflecting the question a second time she sighed and took a moment to try and piece together the words to explain her issue without all of the wibbly wobbly details.

"I have this mate."

The Doctor nodded slowly, offering Rose what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

"He went through this.. change."

She paused then, chewing her bottom lip as she struggled to really explain without explaining.

The Doctor had always known Rose had struggled when she had first regenerated from her ninth self to the tenth but it still brought pain to her hearts even after all this time to know that she had slipped out whilst he was probably resting to try and deal with these struggles by herself.

"What sort of change?" She asked when Rose had been quiet for a short while.

Obviously she knew exactly what change she was talking about, but Rose didn't know that, couldn't know and if talking to a supposed stranger about it helped her feel better then The Doctor would quite happily play along.

"It's complicated." Rose surmised with another sigh.

"It's like.."

Another pause.

"It's like, he's a completely different person."

Rose met the woman's gaze expecting her to look confused or even bored at her vague explanation but was surprised to find a look of understanding and guilt? For a long moment, they both simply stared at each other but unlike before Rose felt a sense of familiarity when she looked into the strangers eyes.

"Change isn't always a bad thing."

It was The Doctor who finally broke the silence, her voice betraying more emotion than she had wanted to share. The fear she had felt post regeneration was clear as day in her mind, the fear that the change would be too much for Rose, he'd have never blamed her if it had been.

Rose gave a small nod, tugging her sleeve over her hand she brought it up to wipe away tears that she'd tried so hard to keep at bay, tears of anger and frustrations and fear. She was angry at him for changing and then angry at herself for being angry at him, frustrated with everything and most of all terrified of what this change could mean for them.

"I just.. I don't know what that means for us now y'know?"

Unable to hold back any longer, The Doctor reached out and took Rose's free hand in her own. It wasn't a tight grip by any means and she gave Rose a chance to pull away, which she didn't, instead they shared another glance and the former gave the latter's hand a reassuring squeeze.

"Your mate might be feeling the same way."

The Doctor reminded her softly. She knew for sure that he was and for the umpteenth time that evening, wished she could tell Rose who she was in order to help quash her fears.

"It may not seem like it right now, but I bet he needs you just as much as you need him."

She added after a moment, giving her hand another gentle squeeze.

"How can you be so sure?"

Rose asked with a sigh, she still couldn't figure out what it was about the woman that seemed to draw her in but she found herself feeling more at ease than she had since before The Doctor had regenerated and was grateful to this stranger.

The Doctor took a moment to consider her words, one hand still curled around Rose's whilst the other picked at a loose thread on her coat.

"Never been too good with words me." She finally started, a sad smile appearing on her face.

"There's been plenty of times where I've needed my mates but because I just, didn't know how to ask I ended up pushing them away instead."

Her face fell as the memory of her fam's departure resurfaced in her mind, the pain she had felt at watching them leave swam with the guilt that sat heavily in the pit of her stomach. A shaky sigh fell from her lips and she briefly closed her eyes in an attempt to get her bearings. It was Rose's turn to offer a reassuring squeeze of the hand still in hers and The Doctor couldn't stop a few rogue tears from falling before swallowing the lump and opening her eyes.

"Just, give him a chance."

Her voice cracked and an almost whispered 'please' tacked onto the end would have been missed by Rose had it not been for their otherwise silent surroundings.

Not trusting her own voice, Rose gave a firm nod.

Neither were sure how long they sat in simple silence, both needing time to gather their thoughts and emotions. Once again however it was The Doctor who made the first move, reaching out with her free hand she wiped away Rose's tears with her thumb before tucking a loose blonde strand behind her eat.

"Right, no more tears."

Her tone held as much positivity as she could muster, cupping Rose's cheek for a brief moment she managed a smile before bringing it back to her side.

"It's Christmas, no one should be upset at Christmas."

The gestures made Rose smile and she nodded once more, she wasn't sure what she had hoped to gain from her evening stroll but she was definitely feeling lighter and her head clearer thanks to the woman before her.

Part of her wanted to stay and get to know this stranger further, find out what it was about her that filled her with such a sense of safety and familiarity but the other part of her, the part assisted by said stranger had her wanting to get back so she could check on The Doctor and make sure he knew that no matter what she would be by his side.

Giving the hand in hers one last gentle squeeze, Rose slipped hers free.

"It's getting late, I should probably.." Her words trailed off and she gestured vaguely in the direction of the estate.

The Doctor couldn't stop the small wave of panic that washed over her when the warm hand slipped from hers, this wasn't her Rose, or her time, she had to get back to her own Doctor whilst she went back to..

No one.

Her fam were gone and once more she was alone.

Mentally shaking off the invading emotions she realised Rose was trying to make her leave. Plastering another smile across her face that she hoped was convincing, she nodded and stood from the swing.

"Of course, completely lost track of time, your mate will be wondering where you've got to."

Her tone increased a touch as she tried her best to keep the panic out of her voice, her current issues weren't of Rose's concern and at the risk of either screwing everything up right at the last moment or making Rose think she was some sort of mad woman, she needed to keep it together until she made it back to the TARDIS.

Rose stood too, a smile of relief and gratitude lighting up her features.

"Thank you, so much."

Her smile grew and The Doctor found her mood lift too if only a fraction, a testament to being around her pink and yellow human. They both shared a brief look before a mutual decision was made and they embraced each other. Rose had always been fantastic at hugs, hugging Rose had been her favourite thing to do during their time travelling together, closely followed by holding her hand. It had been one of the many memories she had locked away a long time before in order to protect her own hearts.

They parted after a few long moments and The Doctor prepared herself for the moment she had been dreading ever since she had arrived, the goodbye.

It didn't come however, not immediately anyway, instead she felt a hand against her cheek and her gaze met Rose's briefly before the young woman placed a quick but sweet kiss to her other cheek.

"Thanks, again."

The Doctor was at a loss for words and simply stood still as Rose stepped away, she managed a small nod and had to resist to urge to raise her hand to cover the cheek where her lips had just been as she turned to leave before looking back to presumably say goodbye.

Again, it didn't come.

"You never told me your name." She called back instead.

Once more, The Doctor found herself at a loss for words. She stared back at Rose for a hot second whilst the latter patiently waited with a soft smile.

"You never told me yours either."

Rose looked slightly surprised at her response before an amused looked crossed her features, with a small shrug she slipped her hands into the pockets of her coat.

"I asked you first." She shot back, her signature grin warming The Doctor's hearts as she recalled her own earlier remark.

"Jane." The Doctor told her after a small pause, her classic alias rolling off the tongue.

"Merry Christmas Jane, I'm Rose."

"Merry Christmas Rose."

The pair shared one last glance, both wearing smiles and one fighting to hold back tears that luckily the other was too far away to notice. It wasn't until the latter finally turned away for a final time and set off out of the park in the direction of her home that the former finally allowed the tears to fall.